Being blown off...

[Andi]

My Bf is usually the best when I first leave him (I always go to him, he never comes to me). For a few weeks after my departure he calls and texts and makes me feel really important. However, after the 1st few weeks it seems my importance level in his life begins to dissipate. I have been having a very bad week due to a very unfortunate incident from 4 years ago that left me quite traumatized (it's a little much to go into here). He knows all about the situation and know sometimes I get very down when I am reminded of my situation.

Not to mention my finances are very tight and I just spent 328 on a plane ticket for march (ironically the same amount i owe on my utility bill for this month).

Anyway...He called me yesterday his late morning my early afternoon (3 hour time difference) and said he just wanted to hear my voice he wanted to wake up and get moving and he would call me back. Hours later no phone call, I got off work early and called him, he said he had to go to work and he was late he would call me back. Many hours later, i call him and said he was getting a snack and he will call me from the car. Still no call. i know he is busy with his life but I really needed to talk to him just so I would feel a little better and I got nothing from him. I don't think that 10 min out of your day is too much to ask for EVER. Not to mention all the times I have woken up at 4 am because he was calling and upset about something. this LDR is tough enough without being blown off.

Am I blowing this out of proportion? I feel like I am always there to listen to him vent but when i need something he is there if he isn't doing anything else. I sent him a text this morning telling him I don't appreciate being blown off that he said he would call me back 3 times and I never got anything. I told him I though it was rude and uncaring and that i don't do that to him. that i was having a hard time right now and only wish he could give me 10 mins. i am working 14 hours today so I will not be available to talk today. It's hard for me to feel that I can depend on him when he can't ever deliver on a promise he made to simply call me back.

Advise would be great.

[keypatalina]

I honestly think that we girls tend to blow things out of proportion, though he should text or at least call. Sometimes, I've found that when I get really busy and don't call or text him for a day, he will call me or text to see how I'm doing and what I'm doing. I've just decided to get busy when we're apart and not fill my time with waiting for him to call or send me a message, it makes it easier and I'm far happier as a result.

[Sierra]

Blowing things out of proportion? Maybe. But I think a lot of us here do it. I get really upset when my boyfriend and I can't communicate the way we have planned and ESPECIALLY when I go out of my way to make time for him and he doesn't do the same for me. I just feel so hurt and upset and let down. Maybe it shouldn't matter so much but in an LDR when communication through texts, phone, Skype, whatever and the occasional visit is all we get, they become very important and the foundation of our relationships.

There are two things I want to touch on here. First, I'm just going to be honest, it sounds like you're talking about having PTSD which I suffer from too. Not too long ago, I had a really bad day, I mean REALLY bad and my boyfriend set me off in my absolute time of need. While my boyfriend knows I have PTSD, what he didn't know was how to handle it, he said he thought that because I always dealt with it on my own, that's what I would have been doing and he didn't know that I needed him so badly. Have you been really clear about the fact that you need to lean on him and why? You don't have to go into detail here, don't worry about that, but know that men, or anyone, are not mind readers and they do frequently need to be explicitly told what we need/want from them.

I would talk to him when you're available, or write him an email about how you're feeling and why. Try to not say "You, you, you", instead try an I statement: "I feel (how you feel) when you (partners actions) because (how it effects you)." And if you want to take it one helpful step further you can say something like "To avoid this in the future maybe we can ______________" By making it a joint problem you can keep him from getting defensive about something that may not be as ... important to him as it is to you.

Your feelings are legitimate because you feel them, and because you feel that way you should talk to him about it. I know something my boyfriend thought was silly that bothered me was when we just text each other good morning, I love you have a good day at work in the morning ... he wouldn't say I love you too. This REALLY upset me. Is it a big deal? No. Did he tell me I was silly? Yes. But I explained why it was important to me, I have a huge amount of anxiety about people dying, and I don't want something to happen to him without us having said I love you. It's really THAT important to me. Now he tells me he loves me almost every morning (sometimes he's running late and I just accept it).

For me, being respectful of one another's time is REALLY important, I make a lot of sacrifices too in my relationship to make it work, I want those to be respected. Your time and effort should be respected too.

I hope this helps, I know I wrote a novel.

[Bethypoo]

I honestly think that we girls tend to blow things out of proportion

I agree, it is not just you, i think it is a universal female trait. HOWEVER, i dont think you are blowing it out of perportion 100%. Maybe only 90%

First of all, my SO and I are the same, i go to him and when i leave we deal with the distance together. More calls and texts than usual. But it does go away a bit after we settle back into our life's with out each other, because lets face it, we all have lives outside our LDRs. And it is a little unsettling when that initial drops takes place. But is this there first time that he has "blown you off" in this particular way other than going back to life.

If so, cut him a break and just talk to him about it. But if this happens all of the time, then maybe you need to tell him that you feel blown off, possibly like an obligation or feel under appreciated . Be honest about how you feel and let him know that it does, in fact, get you down.

Also, maybe just let him know, that if he cant call you back, just tell you the truth. That you would rather hear that he cant talk to you until tomorrow as opposed to getting your hopes up that he will call sooner. Maybe that is a little something to add in there.

Good luck.

[Andi]

I guess what bothers me the most is not that he didn't call, there are many many days where he doesn't call. It was the fact the HE said he will call me right back as soon as he gets in the car, and then nothing for hours or days. It's inconsiderate. He said I will do A (in this case call your right back when I am out of the store) and then not following through. It happened 3 times yesterday because I wanted to talk to him so I called twice. Both times I was told I will call you right back and nothing.

@Sierra

Yes I have PTSD and he knows very well how it can get for me as he has witnessed it twice for himself. i also made it very clear on the 1st time I called him that i had been having nightmares for the 1st time in years and on top of that having a really bad day (which proceeded to get worse as the day went on, not much better today...TGIF tomorrow). It's not even so much that he blew me off, he does this all the time (although i am going to talk with him about it because it's rude and makes me feel that if he can't even follow through on this little thing what will happen when it's a big thing), it was that he knew what was going on and still chose not to at least check on me.

@keypatalina

I would love to keep myself busy but my finances are so tight I can't afford to drive my car unless it is absolutely necessary. This is partly due to me buying my airline ticket to see him.

I'm not usually like this but with my "bad day" deal going on it's hard to not feel like ignored, push back, set off, whatever you want to call it.

Thank you for your novel, I love this site, no one really understands what it's like unless you are in it.

Thanks!!'

Andi~

[digitalfever]

I guess my question is... is his inability to follow through a deal breaker?

[Andi]

no. I'm usually not this way. It is the 5 year anniversary of a very traumatic and violent event. i get this way ever year at this time. If he were to follow through then I could have warned him. it's not a deal breaker but there will be a conversation about follow through. i told him i would call him when i felt better. He will have to understand that if I am alone during this time of year (and right now i feel that i am) then i need to implore my survival system. it's nothing he doesn't know about but by not being here and us not having good communication right now there is no way for him to know. i think in a LTR communication is key and if that breaks down so will the relationship. Communication is all we have. i am not pushy about it. We have only talked on skype once. We only talk for a few minutes a day. i don't think he is a very good long distance communicator and normally would have no reason to be so he has not developed those skills. anyway..it is what it is. i will live through it.

[digitalfever]

no. I'm usually not this way. It is the 5 year anniversary of a very traumatic and violent event. i get this way ever year at this time. If he were to follow through then I could have warned him. it's not a deal breaker but there will be a conversation about follow through. i told him i would call him when i felt better. He will have to understand that if I am alone during this time of year (and right now i feel that i am) then i need to implore my survival system. it's nothing he doesn't know about but by not being here and us not having good communication right now there is no way for him to know. i think in a LTR communication is key and if that breaks down so will the relationship. Communication is all we have. i am not pushy about it. We have only talked on skype once. We only talk for a few minutes a day. i don't think he is a very good long distance communicator and normally would have no reason to be so he has not developed those skills. anyway..it is what it is. i will live through it.

I'm a bit confused. You say the key to an LTR relationship is communication and if there is no communication or the communications breaks down then so does the relationship and THEN state that your SO isn't a good communicator and has not developed these skills because he doesn't need to. But he does... He's dating you. And the key to your relationship being happy and healthy is open communication which takes two people being able to communicate not one chasing the other. Does he not need to communicate on a day to day basis? Are you willing to help him learn to communicate with you?

I don't think being a "great" communicator is the issue here. It's more of the not being there and not being able to communicate and follow through when you need him the most that is a serious issue.

[Andi]

Yes my statement was a bit confusing. I was at work and my boss was in and out of my office. i am lucky that in my down time i can do whatever i want to do (including watch movies, play games, talk to my bf). Our schedules are very conflicting as I often work 10-14 hours a day starting at 7 am. He is 3 hours behind and usually works nights so it's not always easy to connect. He goes through stages of being great at calling and keeping in touch with me and then falling of the horse a little. I usually wait for him to call me as I have the ability to drop everything and talk to him because of the nature of my job. I realize most people do not have that luxury and I usually don't mind when he doesn't call all the time. It's the way it is right now and we both know it.

Mostly I think it was that I usually don't call him several times in a day and that day I did. i really needed him and he dropped the ball over and over leaving me to feel blown off. I talked to him last night for a minute, I had worked 47 hours in the preceding 4 days and was exhausted so it was short and sweet. When i reminded him of the anniversary of my traumatic event he apologized and offered the reason he was so scattered. We really are perfect and this is the 1st time I have been upset with him in 6 months. i think it was mostly me being a silly girl but when you live with PTSD it is to be expected sometimes. It is one of my imperfections and he loves me anyway just as he has imperfections and I love him.

I think I just needed someone who understands what a LTR is like and this site was very helpful. I'm so glad I have a sounding board when I get silly. It helps when others help put the situation into perspective.

I'm a bit confused. You say the key to an LTR relationship is communication and if there is no communication or the communications breaks down then so does the relationship and THEN state that your SO isn't a good communicator and has not developed these skills because he doesn't need to. But he does... He's dating you. And the key to your relationship being happy and healthy is open communication which takes two people being able to communicate not one chasing the other. Does he not need to communicate on a day to day basis? Are you willing to help him learn to communicate with you?

I don't think being a "great" communicator is the issue here. It's more of the not being there and not being able to communicate and follow through when you need him the most that is a serious issue.