You're Too Young to Be In Love

[Dziubka]

That's probably true, Moon, but it doesn't have as much to do with being in a long distance relationship, but more with keeping your own life in a relationship and realising that while it's fine to communicate online and have friends you only know through the internet, it's so very important to have a life and social contacts away from your computer. People miss out on great once in a lifetime youth experiences, because of their insecurities or issues, they don't need an LDR partner for that.

[Moon]

That's probably true, Moon, but it doesn't have as much to do with being in a long distance relationship, but more with keeping your own life in a relationship and realising that while it's fine to communicate online and have friends you only know through the internet, it's so very important to have a life and social contacts away from your computer. People miss out on great once in a lifetime youth experiences, because of their insecurities or issues, they don't need an LDR partner for that.

Hmmm, yeah, you're right. I wasn't really thinking about it that way. I was just thinking in regard to how sad I get reading people on here doing that. I guess it's because I had my daughter right after turning 18, and knowing I missed out on a lot myself, so seeing people doing that, and throwing away great opportunities, bothers me a lot

[Xanahtas]

Although im in a LDR, i dont miss out on a chance to party or go out and socialise with friends. I do like spending time with my SO yes, and i do set aside days where its just for us two, but i still go out when i can to see people. Holidays aborad arent that big here in the UK, but we did have one planned which we couldnt do due to money. I know some people would gladly not go out and be with their SO all the time. So i can see your point.

[floridaellen]

I think young love can be real and lasting as long as each person in the relationship does not sacrifice their own goals and dreams and they are mature about issues that may come along with their age.

I met my SO in high school. We had an amazing relationship in high school. We went to Prom together, partied together, and still maintained friendships with others. We did break up before college. I was scared that we were too young to handle our relationship. However, those months apart showed me that what we had was real. We got back together and support each other fully. We were talking the other night about our relationship and who would move where. He said he would love to move here but there is a college near him that is excellent for his field and he really wants to go to. I said, “If you move here and don’t get to go to that college, you’ll be bitter. If I move there and don’t get to finish my degree here, I’ll be bitter. We’ll be apart for now, grow, mature, learn, and then close the distance when we are ready.” I think this is a mature way to have a relationship at a young age. We each get to further our dreams, which is very important to us. We do plan on closing the distance and getting married, but not for a while. We need to mature before we are ready for those things. I do have a promise ring, but that again was a decision made after a year of dating and a promise to try and make it work, not a marriage proposal or anything like that. We’re not ready for that.

My friend, on the other hand, does not have a mature relationship, even though she’s 19 and he’s 25. A month after dating she was going on and on about marrying him and a wedding and such. She’s getting a promise ring even though they’ve been dating for 3 months and have issues. She may be older than I was when I met my SO but she is not as mature in her relationship.

My parents got together at 14. They broke up for a few months before college and then got back together. They went to separate colleges and stayed together. They got married at 22 and have been married, happily, for 30+ years. Young love can and does last.

I’m hoping this makes sense. I’m sick and it’s hard to focus.

[Dauntedpoet]

I feel like people tend to be overly critical of "young love." I feel like when you're 16, you're critical of the 12-year-olds..... you hit your 20s, mid-20s, and you become critical of the teens and pre-teens.... And then people in their 40s seem to be critical of us naive 20-year-old youngsters. :P It seems like love is always up for debate, always cause for question, as for when it's real and when the person has no clue what love is. So, where do you stand?
So I'm curious, what do you think? What are your opinions on young love? And if you've ever criticized it, has it been their feelings or their way of presenting and conducting themselves/their relationships?

I honestly believe most people's 'criticism' of younger love is actually based on .... ARE YOU A PESSIMIST OR AN OPTIMIST?
If you are an optimist you allow room for the fact* that two people working together toward the same goal can achieve it. If you are a pessimist you see all the obstacles that will make them give up. Which even if they do give up doesn't mean it's not love and should be criticized.
* note my using 'the fact', hints at my being an optimist.. lol

I also think two things could cause both groups to react critically 1) Their own personal experience with love at the same age was extremely painful or, 2) It's a subconscious expression of their feelings of failure because they themselves haven't found love at an older age.

I have always believed that love is deeply personal and private. Its as much chemical as it is kismet. I think that you can find love at any age, at any stage of life. It takes maturity (not age) and stamina to continue to nurture that love and keep it constantly evolving.

I can honestly say, I have loved the 3 men I was in relationships with before my SO, two of them I married. After each relationship ended, and I had entered into a new relationship, I was able to look back and see just how much deeper the love was in my current relationship (I believe this was due to my own personal maturity). I also realized that deep down, I sort of 'knew' something was missing, but I was happy, committed and worked hard at the relationships. When I met my SO in 1998.. the world shifted, for us both. We met in 2001 to see if there was more than just best friendship there, it scared the hell out of both us. I could see he wasn't ready for me yet, so I waited...then he waited...then I waited...all the while we stayed connected to each other growing our love. All we've ever wanted is whatever would make the other happy, even if that was someone else. We fell in love in 2001, but waited for our first kiss until 2007 (with years and years worth of sexually charged but platonic visits it was an amazing kiss, btw),and he's been my best friend forever.

My point with this personal anecdote is ... Maturity isn't something that has to be done alone, before you enter into a relationship, it can be done while in a relationship TOGETHER.

I feel really bad when I read very young people professing their endless love and talking about wedding stuff because, while the love is definitely there, almost no relationship at that age is gonna lead to marriage and happily ever after. I feel bad because I know they'll likely be writing a heart-wrenching post in the not to distant future about the absolute pain and confusion over that first true heartbreak That doesn't mean it wasn't love, it just means it wasn't the lasting kind.

This is exactly how I feel as well. Being old enough to be their mother (48)..I want to protect them from the pain that is ultimately coming, but that just isn't possible.

Its best to make mistakes and learn from them when we're young, have our hearts broken, and make stupid decisions instead of someone sugar coating it and making it all look pretty. Tbh, love isnt pretty, its hard and pushes us. We just have to find out who is worth fighting and suffering for, and who is best out of our lives.

This is a very mature perspective from a 16 year old and I found it 'comforting' to my mothering instinct. Thanks.

I do kinda hate reading about high school kids in LDR's though, just because I think about them missing out on so many things being wrapped up in someone so far away, with such seriousness. You'll never, ever get another chance to go to Homecoming, or Prom. Once you grow up, those illicit keg parties in the woods are done forever, and those cheap travel abroad language class trips that your parents pay for are no more. I just hate thinking of anyone missing out on the most influential period of their lives over some guy(or girl) whose screen name you won't even remember in 10 years. But I keep my mouth shut about that, cause really, who wants to hear that crap?!

Just to make you feel better Moon. I wasn't in an LDR.. and as you know in the stoneage we didn't have the internet in NH. I didn't go to homecoming.. I didn't go to prom.. never went to a keg party in the woods (except to drive home a very drunk friend one night ) and though I did the cheap trip to Montreal for the weekend french class..I never fit in. That isn't to say I didn't have friends because I did. I'm just saying the people I went to school with were the 'screen names I didn't remember in 10 years'.

[Oregongirl]

ARE YOU A PESSIMIST OR AN OPTIMIST?

I like to think of myself as a realist. I give advice not only based on what I have experienced but also by what I have witnessed through the years. I think life experience, whether it be good or bad,does contribute in some way to what a person thinks about similar situations, but I also think that using logic goes a long way. Using logic doesn't make anybody a pessimist or an optimist, it just means they are looking at a situation clearly.

[Dauntedpoet]

I like to think of myself as a realist. I give advice not only based on what I have experienced but also by what I have witnessed through the years. I think life experience, whether it be good or bad,does contribute in some way to what a person thinks about similar situations, but I also think that using logic goes a long way. Using logic doesn't make anybody a pessimist or an optimist, it just means they are looking at a situation clearly.

I am confused by your response to my post, as I made no reference to the use of logic making anyone a pessimist, optimist or realist. I was responding to negative connotations given to word 'criticized' by the OP's use of terms like 'overly critical' and 'naive'.

[Oregongirl]

I am confused by your response to my post, as I made no reference to the use of logic making anyone a pessimist, optimist or realist. I was responding to negative connotations given to word 'criticized' by the OP's use of terms like 'overly critical' and 'naive'.

I'm sick, so I'm going to blame that on my not making sense today.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I'm not sure on this one. I think it depends on the person, and the person they're with. I'm 19. I have known my SO my whole life, we've been best friends for the best part of a decade, so we've done a bit of that growing together. And I look back on how I behaved with my first ever boyfriend, and I think...
Man, I was stupid then.
And undoubtedly, in another 4-5 years, I'll think the same about me now. I think the same about me about two weeks ago, actually. I think I'm very lucky with my SO. Our friendship has managed to survive the entirety of my hormone-driven teenage years. I understand what people mean when they say you will grow, and you will change, and life can chuck lemons at your head until you're buried under a mountain of lemons and using a snorkel to breathe, and it scares me. I worry that my SO and I will grow apart. I look around at my other friendships - look how many people I've thought were so close to me, and understood me, and I've since lost touch with. I am not immune from changing, neither are any of my relationships, including the ones so close to my heart.
I think that what I feel now is love - true love. But then I was convinced I felt that for someone else when I was 15. And in hindsight, I was so infatuated and involved with that relationship, then, but it wasn't love. I didn't know him in the same way. It was mostly down to physical attraction, and romantic ideals (we were Romeo and Juliet in the school play). We were petty, and argumentative, and we behaved in the way you'd expect two 15 year olds to behave. So maybe in five years time, with that same hindsight, I will look back on this relationship with the same attitude.
But that's just my perspective on being young and in love.

[blankita719]

Moon & Dauntedpoet are my heroes.

Here's my interesting perspective. If you are newer to the forums, you probably don't know this (and I always hate re-stating it when I know longer term members have to read it again & again )

I met my SO when I was 18 years old. I fell in love immediately. I was willing to move from my home town in Florida to be with him in New Hampshire. He was a little bit older and he told me not to give up my life down here because I was only 18 and couldn't possibly know what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. We maintained a close friendship for years and years. When we got back together, I was 31. And on our anniversary last year we had an amazing conversation about what might have been and why we are happy with the way things turned out. He saw me grow from a naive 18 year old girl into a woman who became a mother, and who had a career and who built a life of her own. We both changed, and they way we changed complemented each other. It's not typical for people to grow together that way.

And that's why it gets hard for me to see some of the posts from the younger members. I want to hope and believe that you'll beat the odds, but those odds are always stacked against you. The only people I ever knew who married young and stayed together were my grandparents. Even friends of mine from school who married their high school sweethearts are divorced now. Maybe I'm jaded from life itself. It's just that when people say you're too young and you are hell bent on proving them wrong, you've got the wrong mind set. If it's meant to be, then with hard work and a little luck on your side, love will prevail.

[usmcgirl]

I just want to add something to my post: I am not blind to the hardships and such in my relationship at all. Even as I *squeee* over things he says, I'm making plans to send college applications to colleges all over America, rather than near California (where he'll be). Even as I defend our relationship to my mother, I ask myself if it's going to work. I'm not deluding myself; I know the chances of us actually making it are slim, very slim. But, that doesn't stop me from having hope. I look around myself, and I see kids my age getting knocked up. No, that's not what I want. Then, I come on here and see sucess stories and my heart gets a little lighter. I know we can make it, with a little bit of luck, lots of preservation, stregnth, and above all, love for each other, for ourselves, and for the people around us.
To address another thing I saw-- yeah, it's gonna suck some monkey balls not going to prom with my SO. However, we've talked and since he doesn't want me to miss out on these things, I'll be finding a date with friends, going stag, or going with a guy who understands he isn't gettin' lucky. In ANY way. I'll not be missing out on anything that my insecurites wouldn't have already limited my participation in. Honestly, when I see my friends getting pregnant at 14, and slashing their wrists because "He said he doesn't love me anymore!!" I consider myself to be extremely lucky. I know for a fact that he loves me, just as I've never been more sure of anything in my - admittedly short - life. And while it may not last, who the hell is going to take that hope away from me? Not a damn person.

[goalie_girl34]

I am never critical of young love purely because of age because as we all know age and maturity are two completely seperate things. What I think is unfair is when people tell someone what they have isnt love, to invalidate someone's feelings because of their age is wrong. But I also think a very loving relationship has to have a healthy dose of realism which is what many young people lack. Marriage or long term relationships call for sacrifice and growth from both partners.

I'm 20 and while excited for marriage in the next few years I'm also apprehensive, scared, and I know that its about more than a ring and a dress and a ceremony. In an seperate thread here a young member met me with quite a bit of resistance when I told her 16 was too young to be married. And the reason I said it was not purely because she was 16 although 16 as an age regardless of maturity is too young to get married. Again, age and maturity are seperate issues and I dont want to generalize because everyone is different but lets just say under age 18 you are still growing in every way, you dont know who you are or what you want even though you think you might. For me I didnt find myself until this year. It took me going away to college to really grow and between 18 and 20 I changed a lot. And I know once I move out of my mother's house that will be the final big change in to my sense of self. But back to the member here, it was her complete lack of hesitation, lack of realism towards marriage that struck me. And thats when I am critical of young love. When a young person has no hesitation. Love is not as simple as it seems. Its not just about getting along in the sense of not fighting. Sometimes marriage is ugly, and what you have to realize is marriage makes two people one, it affects every aspect of your life. Its no longer about just you. And thats where we come back to young love. Even relationships sans marriage force you to be selfless and realistic, and when youre young thats extremely difficult.

Love is love no matter the age but love that LASTS is usually reserved for older, more mature people.

[lucybelle]

I have not read really the entirety of any of these posts because they're just too long.. sorry so I don't know where the conversation currently is, but this is what I think!

I am extremely critical of young love, but I also see the importance and beauty of it. It's super cute to see high school kids walking around with balloons from their boo, or to get the scoop of who likes who. What bothers me is when young couples start making adult decisions. I don't approve of young marriages, I don't approve of young parents, and I don't approve of putting a young relationship in front of your own potential (ie: not getting a job or education, having a husband and babies instead). I also don't like when women think that they need to be defined by a man, and have only one goal: being a wife.

Being a high school teacher I have seen way too many things to think for even one second that teenagers should to be married or parents. To me, it doesn't matter how "mature" kids are at this age, you are not mature enough to have a baby and you are not mature enough to handle the complexities of marriage.

So, young couples- have fun, go out, fall in love, have your heart broken and mended, experiment, but be careful and stay young. Don't try to grow up too fast.

---------- Post added at 09:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:20 PM ----------

I have not read really the entirety of any of these posts because they're just too long.. sorry so I don't know where the conversation currently is, but this is what I think!

I am extremely critical of young love, but I also see the importance and beauty of it. It's super cute to see high school kids walking around with balloons from their boo, or to get the scoop of who likes who. What bothers me is when young couples start making adult decisions. I don't approve of young marriages, I don't approve of young parents, and I don't approve of putting a young relationship in front of your own potential (ie: not getting a job or education, having a husband and babies instead). I also don't like when women think that they need to be defined by a man, and have only one goal: being a wife.

Being a high school teacher I have seen way too many things to think for even one second that teenagers should to be married or parents. To me, it doesn't matter how "mature" kids are at this age, you are not mature enough to have a baby and you are not mature enough to handle the complexities of marriage.

So, young couples- have fun, go out, fall in love, have your heart broken and mended, experiment, but be careful and stay young. Don't try to grow up too fast.

[Lumos]

Man, all this negativity for first love is getting me down I'm currently dating my first and only boyfriend. I've never been into the casual dating scene, and my requirements for a boyfriend are pretty high, so I was never interested in dating anyone until my senior year of college. I am not one of those girls that needs to be in a relationship, and if I hadn't met my current boyfriend, I probably would have been content being alone for a long time. As mentioned before, dating around is not something I'd ever feel comfortable doing, and I don't feel like I've missed anything by opting not to do that. We've been together for two and half years now. I'm usually pretty confident about our relationship, but reading stuff like this makes me wonder... is there something I don't know?

Surprisingly, I've never actually had anyone tell me we're too young or that I need to experience other relationships. Our family and friends have been supportive even though we had a weird beginning.

[floridaellen]

I am never critical of young love purely because of age because as we all know age and maturity are two completely seperate things. What I think is unfair is when people tell someone what they have isnt love, to invalidate someone's feelings because of their age is wrong. But I also think a very loving relationship has to have a healthy dose of realism which is what many young people lack. Marriage or long term relationships call for sacrifice and growth from both partners.

I agree with this post.
I do agree that realism is very important. If you're young and you go into your relationship thinks it's all gonna be rainbows and unicorns and you'll never fight, that's not realistic. Love is hard. It takes strength and maturity.
I agree age that maturity and age do not necessarily go hand-and-hand. I'm not going to sit here and convince you that "I'm like soooo mature omggg". But I will say that a family situation (a moderate to severely handicapped brother who I cared for throughout high school) forced me to grow up faster than most of my friends. I held down two jobs at a time during high school, studied my butt off to get an almost full ride to college, and live on my own. I know physically I am still maturing; my brain isn't fully developed. But when people say that all people my age are immature (which I don't believe anyone here has said but I am have heard it), that's an overgeneralization.


Again, I hope this makes sense. I'm sick and my brain is in a million directions.