LDR vs a "Normal Relationship"

[LeilaniJoi]

In reading the forum over the last year or so, one thing seems constant to me. I have to wonder if some people don't function better in LDR than they would in a more normal, socially acceptable relationship?

I know in my own circumstance, I had several LDR over the years, one of them I married. I've also had more normal relationships that were close by and by far, the LDR seems to get more serious faster than any other relationships. This makes me wonder if people don't actually prefer a LDR over any other type? The emotional level of LDR seems to be higher, you have more time to build this fantasy up of the person that is at a distance... you're not there to find out early on that they really aren't the neatest person housekeeping wise, or that they wake up grumpy every morning as an example lol In the process of the LDR you have time to build anticipation and longing, you crave talking to that person because your time with them is limited. In thinking about it, you hurt more I think with an LDR if it goes wrong because you are so emotionally invested simply because you can't really be physically invested in the relationship - if that makes sense.

It just seems to me that a lot of people go from one LDR to another, always pouring their entire being into this one being "the one". It makes me wonder if it's not because those people actually prefer the feel of an LDR over having someone close by? Thoughts?


**Emphasized: This is not directed at anyone on this forum in particular, just a pattern that seems to evolve and I'm curious to hear other thoughts.

[Moon]

Hmmm...I'm really interested in the responses this gets. For me, our relationship took a very long time to get "serious", even after visits. For both of us, it's our only LDR, so we had no experience to fall back on. I have noticed how a few people seem to jump from one LDR to another, always claiming they've found The One, which for me would be impossible to determine without spending time together physically. I think these days, with how small the worlds become as we get more and more connected, it's turned some people into serial LDR'ers. Makes sense, I guess, especially for shy, introverted people.

[kiara_silver]

I've only ever been in a LDR, so I don't really have anything to compare with, or previous experiences. But thats one thing we wanted to make sure of, that it wasn't a fantasy and we weren't just in a fluff relationship. Sharing our flaws, which can be hard, and opening up on our pasts, and venting out our issues. He knows i'm messy...really messy, emotional, clingy, i cry a lot, i obsess at times over my weight, i mean the list goes on. And I won't list my SO's, but he's open and shares with me. I do think you get more emotionally involved faster then you would a CD relationship. Im normally shy, but over distance i dont shy away as much. And you feel protected at first by the anonymous part of it, but once you start opening up and letting that person in your personal life it's different. And as soon as we met in person, it just continued as if we spent the whole time in person, it wasn't different in the slightest, same man i had opened my heart to, same habits and quirks. I agree i think you would hurt more if it ends in a LDR, because so much of you is invested in this person, waiting for, opening up to, your so vulnerable. But at the same time, these relationships that work i think are special, it took so much more work, then CD, i feel it shows just how much a person is willing to be with you. There willing to wait up to years, stay up at odd hours, work to save for visits, it just seems like it takes more commitment. Which in my book is a plus, you get to see that this love is real and strong and can take the verbal beatings from others and still work. That you found someone worth fighting for, you don't always know this in a CD relationship right away. Again, im just speaking from my own relationship and thoughts. But I feel that even though my SO is miles away, and i don't get to see him as much as i so wish i could, and we dont talk nearly enough for me. I consider myself very lucky. I love my SO and our relationship, being in a LDR is the only way we would have met, and so for that reason i wouldn't have it any other way

[blankita719]

I do think it's interesting when people are serial LDR'ers (is that even a word??). My SO & I were serious back in 1997 when we first met and got together. But we didn't meet online, so there was a physical attraction that sort of started it. The second time, it was serious from the beginning because we had 13 years of friendship behind it. We already were in love, and had loved each other for years so it wasn't like we had to spend time really getting to know each other. But I can't imagine doing this with anyone else other than him.

My thinking is that there are just people who are serious relationships only people, regardless of whether it's long distance or close. I do think some people are attracted to the romanticism of having to fight to be together, and to struggle through the loneliness, and to brag about how their relationship is stronger because they have to communicate more being LD. It's their very own drama. And there's nothing really wrong about that - if that's just you. It can become a problem if you never really get serious about one of those people and just keep finding only new LDR's because they fill you with that same sense of excitement.

I'm just not like that. Too old for it. And really, he's been it for me since I was 18 - we were just too stubborn to realize it for years

[SnowAnd38Below]

It's an interesting question for sure.

I think some of the immediate seriousness might happen because of the inherent nature of an LDR. My SO and I established in the beginning when we first started talking that neither of us would be willing to enter into an 8,000-mile LDR if we didn't see serious potential in the relationship already. An LDR isn't something you usually do to casually date someone and have some fun.

I've been in more LDRs than CD, but I've had moderately serious relationships both LDR and CD. I think it's true in CD you can spend more time in the initial stages of just hanging out and having fun dating before getting to the more serious aspects of the relationship. But some people just connect and immediately become really serious right away. I think society has a tendency to say people are "rushing things" when that happens. It seems more acceptable to be incredibly emotionally invested early on in an LDR.

[Bethypoo]

I think that LDRs get serious more quickly, because in some ways they do take more effort. It does take out a bit more time and you do, in some ways have to go out of your way to talk to the person that you are with. It isn't like you can just head over to their house and head to a movie. You have to sit and talk from the beginning.

Another reason, is I think that you are forced to get to know them faster. You don't have the luxury of just going out on dates here and there and slowly falling into it. Instead, you spend hours on the phone feeling out who the other person is. I feel like I know my boyfriend now more than I have known any of my previous boyfriends all of whom were, as you said, 'normal relationships'. Chris and I would sit on the phone for hours and just talk about life and have no interruptions from friends or any other commitments. We set aside time for each other and that was it. In some ways you do have to make a commitment faster, because when you are in an LDR you need to know that you are monogamous and things like that.

I do want to add a note or a disclaimer of sorts as to maybe why i think the way that I do and I don't mean to judge any one else's relationship. But not only have I met my SO in real life, we had known each other for a long time and the distance came from moving away. So we did have some general basis for talking. I don't know how people who have never met in real life can truly know how they are "in love". My SO and I said that we loved each other after 6 months, which I think is somewhat of a normal time. But again, we had known each other for a while and therefore it was kind of like a 'normal relationship' but I, personally, don't think that after 6 months of never meeting can you truly know you love someone and thus get confused as well when some people in LDRs claim to have fallen in love so fast.

[Amatory]

-points at the above-

When you meet people who are close to you and live around you, you can see them casually. It's easy to slowly go from acquaints to lovers and no one has to make huge decisions any time soon. Breaking up? Painful, but not literally life-shattering.

But if you fall for someone online or far away, you have to almost immediately admit that someone is going to have to move to the other. In my case, I refused my SO at first because I was afraid that this wouldn't happen. He had to convince me it would before I took the possibility of a relationship seriously. And what if we broke up after all that? It would be painful, horribly. Especially if we had closed the distance by then.

So I guess in an LDR, you feel as if you have to be absolutely sure you would work as a couple before you make any big decisions. Or at least, that's how I feel.

[LeilaniJoi]

Interesting thoughts everyone, thanks for sharing. I know in my own circumstance everything moved quickly... we said "I love you" before we ever met in person but I do think that it is possible to know this... we are examples of just that happening. I want to say we said that before we ever talked on cam actually... sure there were pictures, but sometimes you just KNOW. Sometimes there is such a strong connection between you that there is nowhere else to go with it. Now, a year later and with 9 months of actually living together, day to day, we still KNOW this beyond any other fact or worry.

Someone mentioned people that do not do casual relationships. I would have to 'fess up to that one actually. I have never dated casually, every relationship I've been in I've pretty much known from the onset that it was going to be something big, or it wasn't. The one time I didn't trust my gut instincts on it I wound up marrying the guy and compromising my own feelings because at that time I just didn't believe in true love any longer. I suffered for that and gladly, am out of that situation now and much, MUCH happier.

I have to think that there are some that don't feel right in a relationship unless there is that closeness and emotional high that comes with an LDR. I'm not specifically about people so much that knew each other and moved, but ones that consistently meet people online or in games and get into LDR's that way. I have to wonder, especially with the younger couples, how healthy this is to be honest. Especially for those that are more reclusive or don't really have well defined life social skills. It's an interesting ponder... thank you for your thoughts and opinions.

[Sierra]

My therapist and I actually talk about this all the time. I'm someone who is full of relationship issues, I am. If you've read my threads here I'm sure it's pretty evident. I come from a family background of extremely dysfunctional marriages, I was abused sexually, emotionally and physically by my father and then in a relationship after that.

As such, I can say, for me, being in a long distance relationship is nice on some levels. I haven't turned into some raging ice princess, and it's easier to manage my ... destructive relationship ways. My LDR has let me really get to know my boyfriend aside from the general pressure of seeing someone every day and for me, that has been beneficial. It allows me time to work out my issues instead of me being barraged by emotions and becoming completely overwhelmed and then leaving the relationship.

I know LDRs work for some people. I guess that while it's really hard for me, this type of relationship has allowed me to get really far in my current relationship in a healthy way. My boyfriend understands my issues, the distance gives me a buffer as I work through my issues and I'm thankful for that. As much as the distance tears my heart apart, it is beneficial for me because I'm getting to work through these issues which allow me to be a healthier partner. I'm thankful for that.

All that being said, if things don't work out with my boyfriend now, I doubt I'll ever involve myself in a LDR again, but on some level I do understand why people do.

As for thinking every person that people get involved with (I'm not just talking LDRs) is "the one". I try to remind people, we aren't going to marry every person we meet, date or have feelings for or I don't say anything and attribute it to young love.

I don't think though that I could put my heart through this experience again. I also though, don't think that if I wouldn't have gone through this, and had the time to work on my relationship and feelings about it through therapy, that I wouldn't be a good partner for anyone in a close distance relationship either.

Do I think my boyfriend and I will get married? Yes. Could I be wrong? Of course. Have I felt this way about anyone else? Only one other man but I broke off the engagement and in my heart I knew it wouldn't ever work out.

I feel blessed for my LDR for everything it's taught me and given me and who it's changing me into. I do understand the safety LDRs offer a lot of people so I don't judge 'serial LDRs'. Plus, I think that as people use the internet more and more, and as jobs become more and more mobile, I think we'll see many more LDRs in the future, we're just ahead of the curve.

[Josephine Falnor]

This is an interesting thread, first off.

In my case, I don't really think about whether or not I prefer LDRs. Personally, if I could have my SO move here right now, or if I could move there right now, I would. I want to be CD with her as soon as I possibly can.

That being said, I think being in an LDR does have benefits. I know a few people in this thread have already talked about how being long distance forces you to get to know each other better. I didn't know what my SO really looked like until I'd already known her for five months. Three months after that, we got together. Not seeing her meant I got to know her as a person inside before looks even played into it. (Of course, I think my SO is the most gorgeous girl in the world, but the point is that I didn't get to know her because I thought she was attractive physically; I got to know her because I liked her personality.)

This is my one and only relationship, so I can't compare it to any CD experience. I do know though that I'm ready to be CD as soon as possible, and by the time my SO and I are CD, I think we'll be in a really good place for it.

[Sierra]

Heck Josephine, to be honest, I didn't even know what my boyfriend REALLY looked like until he stepped off that plane. I had seen two pictures of him.

[CanadianGirl]

For us, we shared a lot of secrets and intimate details when we first started talking. Just as something to do really, and it felt safe, since he lived so far away. I didn't even ask for his name right away, just called him "Stranger". All of a sudden, we found each other really wanting to meet and it happened and bam! - relationship. There's no way a CD boyfriend would know this much about me so quickly.

An LDR is basically a huge investment towards your future. CD relationships get their pay off immediately. You put all that time and money and effort into keeping up an LDR, so of course it has to get serious and quick. I'm not in any way complaining, because I'm so glad it came into my life.