Watching other LDRs meet while I can't...

Hello, this is actually my first post here. I've been following this site for some weeks already but I did not feel the need of joining until now because I really need people who understand me on these matters... there's not much out there.

So my problem is my boyfriend lives around 900 miles away and we'll be unable to meet this semester. The reasons are plenty and they are actually unnecessary to tell, although if someone asks me to explain, I could.

But what I've found out is that I really get hurt when I see other LDRs can meet once every month or so, while we can't. This week it's a 3-day weekend and I'm getting pictures of these friends and their respectives. I can endure the physical distance for months even, I'm strong and we talk a lot. But just seeing everyone meeting but us...is torture, feels like lemon juice in a wound.

Can someone give me some advice on how to tolerate this? :S


(By the way, PLEASE forgive me for my bad English. It's not my first language and I do not use it much. If someone does not get a sentence. I'll willingly try to explain it better).

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EDIT! Please read. I want to say here that I am not intending to make anyone feel guilty or anything. I would not call it envy, it's just that I get told many things in "real life" (outside the web) about frequent visits being too necessary, and therefore seeing others meeting frequently made me feel like I was doing things wrong. I am happy for those who can meet often.

After reading what you guys have written in this thread I can see that my relationship is how it should be and that I am not the only one who gets it this way. As I said I was just afraid something was terribly wrong and I can see now that it is pretty normal and that some are even in harder situations than mine.

I beg you not to take it like I want to make others feel guilty. Some told me so and now I'm feeling guilty myself for acting like I did.

Again I apologize if I sounded very immature and whiny.

[digitalfever]

I just want to clarify: Have you and your SO met before or would this be your first meeting?

[Brieasaurus]

I can relate to you. Even though I'm happy for everyone on here who gets to see their SO every couple of weeks, it breaks my heart knowing that my SO and I won't get to see each other. There are many on here who are in similar situations though. We all understand the heart ache. You just have to try your hardest not to compare your relationship with theirs. You will get to spend time with each other when it works out for you two. I used to always complain to my SO that everyone else gets to see each other while we can't, and it caused a huge issue between us. This is your relationship, not everyone else's. I know it hurts but you just need to put a smile on your face and congratulate everyone you see posting about getting to see their SOs because once you two get to see each other, you know that they'll all feel the same towards you.

[n3rdkate]

I'm the same way..it was pure luck that I got to see my SO in person after being LD for awhile. He still refuses a visit but anyway keeping busy is always helpful. Maybe making him something might help. When I get down about not seeing him in person I start crafting lol. Stay strong it sucks but it's going to be worth it in the end =) Hope this was helpful =)

[Michelle]

I just wanted to step in and say that this forum is here for support, not to compare your relationship to others' relationships.

It's already easy enough to feel jealous of couples who are non-distance in your day-to-day life.

You'll have your day in the sun, just like most of us have had visiting our SO's, and there will be others who will be in your exact situation now: wishing they could be you.

There are many people here in your shoes.... those who have long periods of time where they don't get to see their SO's and those who haven't even met yet. Please don't feel alone, because you're not. In reality, most couples on this forum do not see each other every month. It definitely is not something that is financially possible for many here who are in international long distance relationships.

Can someone give me some advice on how to tolerate this? :S

Yes. Look at it this way. When you read about someone sharing a visit or first time meeting, don't compare what they have to what you have. Think of it as a goal of what you want in your relationship. Making trips to your SO takes effort, lots of planning, and usually lots of money. Everyone here has obstacles: no one here would be in a long distance relationship if they didn't.

Use those posts to fuel your passion in making a visit in the future possible. Those posts already make you want this more. Use that.

But definitely do not make those people who do get to visit feel bad that they have something you don't. Lots of them work hard to be able to make those visits. They work extra hours so they can take time off and have the money to save up for these trips. Thereby sacrificing time and fun they could otherwise be having with their friends and family. We've seen some people overcome there fears of flying. Some who have children that sometimes prevent them from visiting when they want. Some have no money. Some have no job. Parents who won't allow them to see their SO. The list goes on and on.

Why not post about what obstacles you have to overcome to make a visit/meeting possible? You'll find many who are in the same boat, and others who have overcome those and will be able to provide support.

I was in a long distance relationship for over 5 years. If I was ever sad, I looked at everything I had, not what I didn't have. I had a guy that was worth it and was there with me all the way. I had found the love of my life. Even when we were apart and we'd have to wait months before we could see each other, I felt lucky that he was in my life.

It is hard, but vital to remember what you have... not what you don't have. If you focus on what you don't have, it will hurt your relationship and be harder to cope with the distance.

[Zapookie]

You shouldn't really be focusing on anyone elses relationship except your own. Thinking about how everyone else gets to see their SO's while you can't, isn't exactly going to make time fly by any quicker or make the next visit any closer. My SO is over 7000 miles away and the gap from the last time I saw him to the next time I'll see him will be about 6 months. I feel that I'm even lucky to have that, because I know a lot of people on here can only manage a visit once a year, and some haven't even met yet.

Don't focus on negatives. It's not healthy. Focus on yourself and on your relationship, and what you can do to strengthen your bond with your SO. Occupy yourself so you're not sitting around feeling sad all the time. Go out for a walk, see friends, go (window) shopping.

We're all here to support each other. LFAD is not meant to be a place where you feel intimidated or discouraged. We're all going through similar situations - we are apart from our significant other. No matter the time between visits, no matter the distance, we all know how it feels. No one here is trying to rub their relationship in your face. When people share news about visits, it's so that they can share their good news and give hope to everyone else that visits are possible if you persevere. LDR's do have their ups and their downs, and focusing on the down parts is not productive.

[LilyChiba]

10 000 miles and 2 years, I still haven't met my SO for the first time. I don't dare compare our relationship to the people who do get to see each other, although I'm envious. I just have to remember how awesome he is and he is worth every minute of the wait. I should be seeing him some time between March and May for the first time, so at least I have that now where before we had no real date. As for what to do, immerse yourself in activities. Only way to get by is to not think of it in my opinion.

[Deleted]

Hi Michelle, thanks a lot for your reply! I'm sorry if I sounded too whiny, I should've been more empathetic (sp?) with people who are in the same position as me or even worse. Now that I re-read my post I think I may have sounded a bit (too) spoiled.

I'm glad you did bring up the "making others feel bad" thing, because I'd like to make clear I'd hate doing that. I never bring up the topic with these friends of mine, I just smile and feel good for them... The problem comes when I start to miss my SO too much and seeing other people being happy makes it worse. I should've been more careful when posting though.

I have to get over this "comparing" issue of mine I guess, as you said. I will take their cases as examples of relationships that work and give myself more hopes.


(By the way and just to make clear: when I said about people meeting their SO, I did not mean in this site but people living around me, at school, and etc. Their posts come to my facebook page, not here )


Thanks again!

[Deleted]

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You shouldn't really be focusing on anyone elses relationship except your own. Thinking about how everyone else gets to see their SO's while you can't, isn't exactly going to make time fly by any quicker or make the next visit any closer. My SO is over 7000 miles away and the gap from the last time I saw him to the next time I'll see him will be about 6 months. I feel that I'm even lucky to have that, because I know a lot of people on here can only manage a visit once a year, and some haven't even met yet.

Don't focus on negatives. It's not healthy. Focus on yourself and on your relationship, and what you can do to strengthen your bond with your SO. Occupy yourself so you're not sitting around feeling sad all the time. Go out for a walk, see friends, go (window) shopping.

We're all here to support each other. LFAD is not meant to be a place where you feel intimidated or discouraged. We're all going through similar situations - we are apart from our significant other. No matter the time between visits, no matter the distance, we all know how it feels. No one here is trying to rub their relationship in your face. When people share news about visits, it's so that they can share their good news and give hope to everyone else that visits are possible if you persevere. LDR's do have their ups and their downs, and focusing on the down parts is not productive.

I guess what makes me frustrated is the fact that our plans changed. When he left, we had said we'd see each other every 3 months, but different factors changed it to it being possible only every 6...if so. Last time I saw him was in october and it all points to our next meeting being until june or july. Although reading what people are posting makes me really, REALLY notice how immature I still am.

But hey...you really made me feel like I have really nothing to complain about. Besides I do have to admit a while ago I was talking to my SO and it definitely made me feel a lot better. I do have to appreciate what I have... which are these amazing calls with him. After all, the physical contact is far from being the most important part of a relationship

Thank you for your advice <3

[Deleted]

10 000 miles and 2 years, I still haven't met my SO for the first time. I don't dare compare our relationship to the people who do get to see each other, although I'm envious. I just have to remember how awesome he is and he is worth every minute of the wait. I should be seeing him some time between March and May for the first time, so at least I have that now where before we had no real date. As for what to do, immerse yourself in activities. Only way to get by is to not think of it in my opinion.

You are right, I should stop comparing myself to the others and understand every case is different. You know...I kind of feel kind of embarrassed of myself now. I hope I did not sound too spoiled... if I did, I'm sorry (hope I did not give the bad first-impression I think I gave on this site!).

I'll stop thinking about it that much, it is indeed the best way. Thank you!

[Deleted]

Guys thank you all for your advice. I must say I feel even silly now (so obviously a newbie). It's good to see that in fact I'm not alone, and to read positive comments about it. I usually don't get much support with my friends and family because they doubt a lot it can work.

I wouldn't like you guys to think I'm all about comparing, I hope that's not the impression I gave to you. As I said to someone, it happens only time to time and just when the heart ache is too much. I do must say I always forget about every obstacle when we just talk for a while and tell each other about our day, instead of complaining about our troubles. I very, very rarely argue with him, less even when it comes to this.

In the end love is stronger than any trouble and I've always believed it (would have not started this relation with him if I did not, since we knew he was going to leave).

[Bethypoo]

I am one of the lucky ones who gets to see their SO (almost) every month or so. But it is relationships like yours that make us grateful for what we do have.

Like Michelle said, when you compare it just makes things harder for yourself and thus can make things a bit harder on your relationship because all you can think is "why not us?" But i understand it being hard. There are others on here who have ceased to be in a LDR and come on occasionally but it is hard for them to see their friends who are still here and in their respective relationships.

Anytime you are frustrated, we are all here. And I am glad you decided to officially join and be a part of the LFAD family!

[Deleted]

I am one of the lucky ones who gets to see their SO (almost) every month or so. But it is relationships like yours that make us grateful for what we do have.

Like Michelle said, when you compare it just makes things harder for yourself and thus can make things a bit harder on your relationship because all you can think is "why not us?" But i understand it being hard. There are others on here who have ceased to be in a LDR and come on occasionally but it is hard for them to see their friends who are still here and in their respective relationships.

Anytime you are frustrated, we are all here. And I am glad you decided to officially join and be a part of the LFAD family!

Thanks for the welcome and for your advice I'm glad I did join, having people understand how I feel (and tell me what my flaws are) makes me feel stronger and with higher hopes.

[Dziubka]

Thank you so much for your post, Michelle
It's perfect and it basically says everything that needs to be said on the subject.

I'm also one of the 'lucky' ones, who get to see their SO about every three weeks.
But it's not something that just "happens" to me. I'm lucky and I have a really good job now, but before that I worked a really shitty job for 2 years, because it was the only one that would allow me enough hours and flexibility to be able to see my boyfriend as much as possible. I live in a dorm room with a kitchen with no windows, to save on rent and be able to spend more money on visiting. I haven't been on a proper holiday since I've met my boyfriend, because all my disposable income is going towards visits.
Like I said, seeing my boyfriend as often as I do, is not something that happens to me because I'm lucky. It's something I make happen with a lot of hard work and sacrifices.

Instead of feeling bad (and by that making others feel guilty) concentrate on the positives in your relationship...
and try to work things out to make a visit happen

[LilyChiba]

You didn't sound spoiled at all. We are all entitled to feel like we are not getting to see our SOs enough. Wouldn't be an LDR if we could see them whenever we wanted to haha. You'll get there I'm sure, as we all will eventually.