The Religion Problem

[Moon]

Religious differences can be extremely sticky. You need to be sure - really, really sure- that you're fine with your future children being taught that something you don't believe in, as absolute truth. I think it's much harder for a believer (of any religion) and a non-believer to find that compromise that other people of differing religions sometimes manage. As an atheist, I would never be OK with my children being taught something that I find akin to Santa Claus or the tooth fairy, but if I was still a part of the Catholic religion I was raised in, I'd be fine with the denominational differences, as the idea is the same. You don't have a religious difference, your difference is a fundamental belief system, and that matters more than you may think. Just think about it, you'd have to support your children's religious education and you can only do that convincingly if they never realize you don't believe what you're telling them, and kids are a hell of a lot smarter than you think.

Sorry for being a downer, but you need to know what you're up against here. Good luck.

[AJD+JLH]

Religious differences can be extremely sticky. You need to be sure - really, really sure- that you're fine with your future children being taught that something you don't believe in, as absolute truth. I think it's much harder for a believer (of any religion) and a non-believer to find that compromise that other people of differing religions sometimes manage. As an atheist, I would never be OK with my children being taught something that I find akin to Santa Claus or the tooth fairy, but if I was still a part of the Catholic religion I was raised in, I'd be fine with the denominational differences, as the idea is the same. You don't have a religious difference, your difference is a fundamental belief system, and that matters more than you may think. Just think about it, you'd have to support your children's religious education and you can only do that convincingly if they never realize you don't believe what you're telling them, and kids are a hell of a lot smarter than you think.

Sorry for being a downer, but you need to know what you're up against here. Good luck.

Again, I agree with Moon here. I'm not wishing you poorly, but like she said, (I know because I have done a relationship before with one party being a christian and one party being an atheist) it is very, very tricky to navigate that kind of situation. Like I said earlier, I got to the point where I decided I couldn't have kids with him or even have a wedding with my ex. It would just be too difficult to navigate appropriately. I also agree with Moon that it is reasonably doable between people of different denominations. But, IMHO, it would be really tough for an atheist and a Christian, or for a Wiccan and a Muslim to make things work in a healthy, stable, permanent way. Although I am sure it has been done and is very possible (anything is possible, I truly believe that!) When fundamental beliefs differ, it is just tougher, though.

[sweetleya]

For me and my SO, I am Christian and he is Muslim and honestly its not a major problem for us...the only people who have a problem with it would be my parents lol, which i expected to be the case. My boyfriend and I have had several conversations about our faith and slightly different beliefs and both agree on one point, "As long as we love eachother and are respectful then that will be the biggest influence on our children."

Also, I agree with Alayna. Never choose a religion because its ur SO's. My boyfriend asked me if I would become muslim since he was and i said "no." And he then said, "perfect, thts' the exact answer i want to hear because you should choose for yourself and not choose your beliefs just to please someone else."

Anddd, for us, we are very open-minded and both more spiritual and have the belief that kindness and humanity qualities are more important and that there is one God, etc. the only time we come at disagreement is about Jesus, for me though it's not an issue because I have the belief that people don't go to hell just because they don't believe in Jesus...so it works for me and my SO

LOVE is the universal truth I believe, as does he.

[milaya]

It's times like these that I'm happy about the fact that both my SO and I are atheists.

I fully agree with what Moon said. That is not just a case of two different religions trying to meet. I think this is a lot harder. Because in cases like this, it's not just about telling your children that either God or Allah is the highest power and such. It's about deciding whether you want your children to believe something you don't see as the truth.
Christian values are one thing - I mean, my country are "cultural christians", which means that most of us get's married in churches and say that we're christians, but only because it's the state religion. So we also have some christian values, but not many actually believes that the bible is the truth.

I respect religious people, but I wouldn't like my children to grow up believing that what the bible says is the only truth, which would also result in them having to disregard certain aspects of science - such as the evolution theory and the big bang theory which I myself believe in.
To be honest, it wouldn't feel like my children.

You have to consider how much you're willing to compromise.
I know a lot of religious people are very open minded, but your SO doesn't seem keen on any compromises himself when it comes to future children. If he truly believes that the bible is the "absolute truth" and that most non-believers won't go to heaven, I don't think he'll be able to only teach the overall christian values that would be for him like telling only half of the "truth".

[Dziubka]

Your boyfriend doesn't seem very willing to compromise, so you have to consider whether you're ok with this (and it seems like you aren't).

My boyfriend's catholic and I'm agnostic/cultural protestant.
He goes to church and confession and such and obviously wants our future children to do that as well. I told them he can tell them whatever he wants and I'm going to tell what I want. They're going to learn what their dad believes in, but they're also going to learn that their mum doesn't necessarily agree with it.
So if they want to go to mass with daddy on Sunday, that's fine with me - power to them (and an hour of alone time for me - yay!), but if they want to stay at home, they're free to do that as well.
I not-so-secretly hope he'll grow out of it, by the time we have kids, but I'm not counting oin it.

I don't think it's that wrong or confusing. Parents don't need to agree on everything. My boyfriend and I disagree on other things as well. For example I think it's wrong to eat animals, he doesn't. I'm not going to prepare any meat for my children and I'd explain to them why I don't agree with it, but I'd buy lunchmeat or sausages for them if they want and they could order whatever they want when we go to restaurants or eat at friends'.

They'll make their own decisions about things when they're old enough. Forcing anything upon them isn't going to do anything, except drive them away.

[WakeUpSusie]

Religion is only a problem in a relationship when one or both members are unwilling or very reluctant to compromise on something, like how to raise children. I fully believe that it can (and in some cases should) be a dealbreaker in a relationship. Sometimes, it can just be too much to overcome. If you're serious about wanting to spend the rest of your life wiht him, make sure you get this hammered out before you get hitched.

My fiance and I are different religions (I am Catholic and he is pagan/agnostic), but we've always known that we are going to raise our children to believe that there is a God/divine being, and that there are numerous religions/belief systems in which one can know this God. I will never stop being Catholic and he will not stop being pagan/agnostic, but we're both extremely openminded so this is the best option for us.

[HollzHeartsChris]

Religion...it's a tricky subject to broach. I generally tend to avoid it as much as possible, that and politics are hardly the best subjects for me to discuss lol

What I will say is you and your SO should be able to come to a compromise on this. It will be difficult I'm sure, but if you both want to be happy and spend the rest of your lives together without any little arguments on this subject, it's something you're both going to have to take on board now and seriously start considering. You shouldn't be forced into a corner over this (I apologise, I only skimmed through the previous posts so I'm just posting my own opinion on the subject).

I was baptised as a baby as a Christian, however I have never practiced it as a religion and neither do I consider myself one despite my parents being Christian (though they themselves have never gone to Church) and what certain people might say. For quite awhile now, I've considered myself to be an atheist although I have my own set of beliefs that I don't associate with any religion. I was given the choice by my parents, so that if I wanted to follow the religion, the opportunity was there for me. It wasn't something I had to follow or do if I didn't want to. I think this would be a good idea for you too: stay open minded and allow them the freedom of choice. When they're old enough, they'll make their choice. Nothing to stop you from encouraging them, but I'd leave them with that option open.

[reeseismypiece]

Thanks for so many opinions and thoughts on the subject guys!

I talked with my SO again and confronted him telling him that telling me I was wrong was WRONG to do. I said, "I've never once said your religion/beliefs were 'wrong' so do not judge me for my own. I am not wrong for not believing nor am I wrong for not wanting my children to be exposed to it. I NEVER said I didn't want them to not know it, only that I'd prefer they learn about it when they are older." My SO, being as good as he is admitted he allowed his own personal feelings on the subject come into the conversation and used it against me, he apologized.

Now, I've read everyone's responses and even asked a few at my school on the subject. One boy I've been friends with since elementary said, "I was born and raised Christian, but I eventually found my own belief and now I'm agnostic. Just because we may be raised into Christianity doesn't mean we all are going to strictly follow and believe. Yes your kids may get really into it like Chris, but they have you as a mother too, their going to listen to BOTH your opinions and beliefs and take from it what they can. And Honestly, you and I may be really unsure what to believe, but its not like Christianity is evil, your kids will learn good morals from it like I did, and I highly doubt it will make them critical of others as long as they can know and understand all religions as well, which I know you can teach them." So...I rather liked that response and it gave me a more...flexible attitude along with most of your responses. I'm going to tell my SO that we both will get our share in telling the kids our beliefs, I want them to know how I believe in fate and reincarnation and how what actions we do can affect others and he can go on and on about Jesus and God. I want to try and work this out as a family together though, I want us to all sit down together and try to explain this sort of topic with them. But most of all, and I've read this a few times within some of your responses, I want them to be influenced by our love.

I love him, I'm willing to understand his religion, I will have difficulty with my children and it, but ultimately I know I can adjust especially if they are happy.

[uniquefem]

I am glad this religious differences talk with your SO went very well...

Its kind of hard when its involving children in future. I am a moslem and my SO is a non believer. He knows lots of things about Islam since long time ago when he work in USA with a moslem friend in the same project. With me, he is very compromise about lots of things. He knew the fact that if we're married he have to be a moslem or the marriage wont be legal in Indonesia (had to be same faith, according to laws and islam). But sometimes when we talk about children and future his comment sometimes also made me questioning about how would it be if its related to our kids?

When we talk about how our children school would be, i said strict school is pretty good, and then he said "strict you mean moslem school?" i was paused a while because its not what i talk about hahah... but from his tone the idea about the kids going to moslem school sound like crazy idea, even its not what i want to say! i ask him after that "whats wrong with moslem school?" he said "it would be difficult here" thats his only answer, i just dont know the "difficult" in terms it would be difficult to find or its "difficult' to deal with. For me, if ill be a parents one day i would be like any other parents who want the best for their kids. My dad and mom once goes to Catholic school, and they're both moslem. Its just because simply the best school in town and everyone want to get there! (and theres not really such as moslem school back then :P just public school). In indonesia its not like every religious was separated, we're grow a long togather, i had catholic, protestant, buddhis and hindu friends. So for me its not that really matter about the school.

But it does made me wonder what it will be in real future... because we could say all nice things now, and agree about stuff.... but who knows about future later?