"Actual Time Together"

[DollOnAMusicBox]

I haven't seen anything posted about this before, but it seems more and more lately, people seem to try to make a distinction between the time my SO and I have "Actually spent together" versus the time we've considered ourselves a couple. (For example, my friends say I would be too fast if I slept with him because we've only been "actually together" for 4 weeks...but we've been in a relationship for 2 and a half years.) I mentioned this to him...and he agreed!

My parents make this same distinction too when it comes to our relationship. It would be "too fast" of me to move in with him when he moves out here because we've only really been in a relationship for 4 weeks. I didn't realize I was in two relationships with the man.

To me, I gauge my relationship based on how long we have been romantically involved with each other. The "actual time together" has just been all part of the same relationship. My readiness and enthusiasm to live with him or whatever, is all just a part of feeling emotionally ready to take those steps with him. And people shouldn't judge me for being "too fast" about anything when I'm here WAITING for him. I didn't think it was weird...but I guess I am for not acknowledging that I've only truly been with him for a month. I'm so frustrated, and honestly a little hurt...because its just another reminder that people don't think this is as "real" as it seems, I guess. And I feel that they have no right to judge. Does anybody else get this? How do you respond? How do you feel?

[snow_girl]

I agree with your side. I have been with my SO for two years, not all of that time was together physically but it didn't stop us from being in a close relationship. What are you supposed to do, stop being bf/gf till you can touch the person? That defintely must be frustrating, have you tried explaining that even if you are not close you are still continuing the relationship as if you were?

[digitalfever]

That's silly on their part. Even technically CD couples may or may not see each other all the time..

That means a lot of couples have never really been together or haven't been together as long as they thought they have. My aunt married my uncle who is a surgeon and he spends days at the hospital and then sometimes has on call. Throughout their relationship she's seen him maybe 2 or 3 out of the days that are in a week.

Another aunt of mine married a guy who does shift work. Sometimes they are never even home at the same time and don't see each other until Sunday night for a few hours... So technically they've been together in total 1 year...

...

[marbear31]

Ugh, I know EXACTLY what you mean. It's like people tdon't take it seriously if you can't touch the person. What was it Helen Keller said, "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart." Tell them that, that you have someone who cares for you more than anything in the world, even when you were at a distance, and that you've been each other's emotional supports for that 2 1/2 years, not just physical four weeks. That being said, something that's helped me is keeping in perspective that they haven't seen every facet of your relationship yet, because so much of the distance is just maintaining the connection you two have alone. Have confidence that this close distance can prove to them what you've known for so long, and always, always follow your heart, even if others don't understand. You're stronger than you think.

[squeeker]

I haven't got this much yet. But I presume it's because I don't tend to talk about my relationship much with people closeby because I'm kind of scared of their judgement. I think there are probably people in my family and friends, probably more than I realize, that don't get it. I think it's because they can't see the relationship so it doesn't seem to be happening as much.. whereas if you were close distance they might see you two together more so it would seem more real to them. It doesn't matter what others think though because you know your relationship has been going on for 2 1/2 years and you know better than anyone what kind of commitment and romantic involvement has been like throughout the time.. people should come to understand that in time hopefully. In the meantime, stay strong!

[meganrey]

I agree with you. This is my first LDR but having been in CD relationships, I've realized how my emotions are exactly the same. I'm going about things the same way. The way I feel is that it doesn't so much matter what "they" think, they're not the ones going through what you are. It's up to you and your SO to make the right decisions.

[lucybelle]

I do think taking into account how long you have physically been together when considering moving in and such is important. But I don't think that time apart counts as not being in a relationship! That's silly.

With that being said, my SO's and I anniversary is when we moved in together. That's how long we count as being together, even though it was technically longer.

[Moon]

Honestly, I do think it matters. Not for the being in a relationship part, because just the nature of an LDR forces lots of communication and I think you can actually find out about each other faster and better than CD. I think it does matter when it comes down to the moving in together part though, anyone can be on their best behavior for a few weeks at a time but, in my opinion at least, it takes a lot more time spent physically to determine if you can live together harmoniously.

Just for being in a relationship though, it doesn't matter all that much. Let's face it, there will always be people who don't get it, you can try explaining, but if they remain closed-minded, it's probably better to just shut up and stop trying to convince them. You know what you have and that's all that matters, I know it can be difficult that people don't understand, but that's what we have to deal with by choosing an LDR.

Stay positive, even when it's hard, and others try making you feel bad about your relationship.

[elizabethjp2010]

i dont understand how that makes any since haha

you know him super well, you have spent time with him. you have dated longer than some couples do when they move in together, i think theyre being silly

if someone said this to me i would say piss off! haha

[Sora1101]

I base it off of time in a relationship rather than time spent in person, if I did it the other way around I'd never be "ready" to be with my SO because we can only visit for weekend long periods of time, if I waited a suitable amount of IRL time I'd never get to close the distance, I say just go with what you think, people are always going to judge those of us who didn't meet our SO in a conventional way, it's just how life is.

[Ivy]

Yes I know exactly what you mean. My 6 years LDR was proclaimed "fictional" and "non-existent" by friends. I was so offended, hurt and confused. I spent every day talking to that person, knowing him better than anyone else. I was listening too much of what people say. And that made me so uncertain and at times I doubted too much. Thank god it's over,though. He was so not the man for me.

Now, I do not let anybody even touch the subject. I am too happy with him to let no matter who tell me if my relationship is REAL or not. It's more real than some relationships I see around me, with people who live in same city. They don't appreciate themselves that much. They don't really know what LONGING for somebody means, going to bed with a though of him and getting up with the though that is one day less until you can touch and see him. Come on. I mean, people in LDR are true love survivors. It is a pure way to show that love can be emotional not only physical.

Having said that, I've been with him ...... since September. LDR. And I count every single day.

[Dziubka]

I do think taking into account how long you have physically been together when considering moving in and such is important. But I don't think that time apart counts as not being in a relationship! That's silly.

Honestly, I do think it matters. Not for the being in a relationship part, because just the nature of an LDR forces lots of communication and I think you can actually find out about each other faster and better than CD. I think it does matter when it comes down to the moving in together part though, anyone can be on their best behavior for a few weeks at a time but, in my opinion at least, it takes a lot more time spent physically to determine if you can live together harmoniously.

I agree with lucybelle and Moon.

"Actual time together" matters when you're planning to move in together. If you've only spent very little time together in person, you can probably prepare for some surprises. There are a lot of things you don't find out about someone until you live with them or spend a lot of time physically with them. Living together, spending all the time together, the stressful moments, the sad moments and the gross ones is something completely different than having a four week visit. But a lot of close distance couples experience the same when they move in together, it's not an exclusive LDR problem.

I personally do think that considering marriage after one 4-week (or whatever) visit is a bit too fast, even if you've known each other online for longer, but that's just me. If other people are fine with it, the more power to them, I'm not here to force my relationship-pace on anyone.
Other people thinking my relationship isn't real or valid actually doesn't phase me at all. Calling you out on it may be a bit uncalled for, but in the end - you're the only one who can judge your relationship, it really doesn't matter what other people think about it.

[kteire]

I don't agree that actual time in person together is all that counts!! My SO and I have been in a relationship for a year and 8 months, and have probably been physically together about 2-3 months of that. I don't think by any means that because we had to spend so much time apart our relationship isn't as serious as people who've spent 1 year and 8 months in person. I'm mad about him and we're moving in together just after our 2 year anniversary I get very offended when someone tries to tell me something like "[this] much time in LDR = [this] much time CD." It's just not true. My SO and I are closer than many CDRs I know who've been together longer.

[lademoiselle]

I completely agree, OP. As innumerable couples have shown, it's perfectly possible to be completely in love with someone you hitherto have never met in person, or don't see in the flesh very often. We do live in a tangible world, so naturally a lot of emphasis is placed on the physical level. But personally I believe that's the least of what we are; you don't have to see someone every day to form a deep emotional bond or mental rapport with them

[Kiara]

I completely agree with Dziubka. I would not move in or get married with a person I spend only few moinths (or weeks) with. Of course, after years of LDR you know each other very well (and of course it counts as being together!), but still, you need some time face-to-face to learn other aspects of the couple and test if it can work.