Getting Married for the Money?

[Dziubka]

Malaga, I do actually feel guilty about all the money his mum spends on him travelling. I know their family dynamics are very different, he's an only child and his mum earns relatively well for Polish standards, but I've been brought up with a different mindset and I can't just get rid of that (nor do I want).
I would never ever take money to visit my LDR boyfriend from my mum. I was 17 when I had my first boyfriend and he happened to live 100km away, so I got a job and earned the money for the bi-weekly trainrides myself.
I had to take money from my mum for a few months last year, because if I had worked I would have earned too much and it would have ended up costing her more (complicated story) and I felt guilty for every cent I didn't spend on absolute necesseties like food and copies. And she only gave me €50 a month, most of my expenses I still covered with governmental financial support.

I don't know about anyone else, but €250 a month is a lot of money for me.
There's no way my mum could provide me with that much in her current situation. She'd have to get a 1-bedroom place with her husband and give up on holidays alltogether. 250€ a month (scholarship + the same amount in loans) makes all the difference between getting higher education or not for me. And keep in mind he'd be getting closer to €500 each month. That IS a lot of money.
If hes going to be fully on his parents support, they'll have to give him €500-600 a month, which is more than the median income in Poland.

I'm not responsible for him or his family... not as long as we're not married anyway. But the way I see it, we're in this together. We're not married yet, but I'm very committed and I'm willing to take on the good and the bad things that come with this relatioship. If I had enough money, so that getting married meant I would have to provide for him, then I'd do that. I'm counting on him doing the same once we finish our degrees and he's going to get a cool high paid job with his engineering degree while I'll be stuck in ridiculously low paid temporal positions, because I chose to study liberal arts....

Like I said before, we're not going to rush into anything and even if we decided to do it, we wouldn't go to the registry office like tomorrow. As of now, it's an option we're considering if it makes our lives a lot easier. If the situations was reversed and getting married meant I would a) my parents won't have to support me anymore and b) instead of working fast food or some other crap job I could fully concentrate on my studies, I wouldn't have to think about it very long.

*edit:
I don't know if it's important in the grande scheme of things, but it might be interesting:
When I first started researching this I thought things were different and he wouldn't be eligible for the financial aid at all.
But you're only allowed to make a certain amount of money each month, if you make more it gets taken off your aid (which is fair and logical). I'm getting a raise as of next semester because I'll have a Bachelor's degree and I'm employed at the university. So I'll be making too much money and have my financial aid cut. In consequence I'll be working for free, because I can't cut my hours either.
However if your spouse has none or very little income, you're allowed to make more because you're supposed to support them.
So initially I thought I had the choice between working for free (=giving money to the state) or sharing my income with my boyfriend. I'm a socialist at heart, but I'm also selfish and I would have preferred to give money to my boyfriend than to the state.
Especially seeing as I fully count on him to support me at a later stage in life.
I have no idea whether that makes more sense and it doesn't really matter since it's irrelevant in or situation. If he's eligible for financial aid himself, he can't affect mine.
Maybe it offers an explanation of why I've considered getting married for financial reasons in the first place.

[Sierra]

Sounds like you've made up your mind despite any feedback you'll get here, so best of luck in your decision, whatever that may be.

[floridaellen]

I know someone who got married to a friend because it was the only way to not live in the dorms at her college. Now that's crazy.

[Malaga]

Malaga, I do actually feel guilty about all the money his mum spends on him travelling. I know their family dynamics are very different, he's an only child and his mum earns relatively well for Polish standards, but I've been brought up with a different mindset and I can't just get rid of that (nor do I want).

Nobody expects you to get rid of it, but this is the dynamics of your family. His family obviously have a different way of going about things. His parents already support him financially, so obviously that's how it works in their family. Why do you assume it's a burden for them, just because it would be a burden to you? Maybe it would be more of a burden for him to depend on you than on his parents.

It all works out well on paper, when you put down facts and figures. But don't write off how comfortable or uncomfortable they feel about it. Because this is the sort of thing that tends to backlash over time if you don't take it seriously enough. He's already taking a big step out of his comfort zone by moving to another country. What makes you think that taking a loan + essentially depending on you would be less stressful for him (and his family) than if things just continued to work the way they already do?

I understand you want to help them carry that load, but pointing out that you'd never take money from your parents and insisting that you help him avoid that kind of makes it sound like you think it would be wrong if he did. You expect problems to occur with their way of going about it, which sounds like you don't trust their way is the good way. Why? Because that's not the way you'd be comfortable with if you were in his shoes.

Like Sierra said, you obviously have arguments you strongly believe in. Whatever the decision you guys make, I hope everything works out for the best

[leonsfangirl]

Firstly, Divorce is a pain in the ass! it's not a free service and theres alot of paperwork (i should know, im still wating for mine 14 months after making the application)
Now, I'm marrying my SO to close the distance BUT it's something we would do anyway. I'm all for people doing whats best for there situation but when it comes to marriage it should be something you wanted to do anyway but the situation makes you bring it forward. People who don't believe in marriage shouldn't get married for any reason, it's hypocritical.

[Engel]

I guess I'm posting this to make up my mind, but also to hear some outside opinions on this.

My boyfriend's moving to Germany in April, to do a semestral German course and then start his Master's We might even be able to live together for half a year, if everything goes well.
Right now he's still living at home and his parents support him. He's going to try to get a job when he moves here, but his parents are probably still going to have to pay for most things, especially in the beginning. They're not poor, but I don't think they realise how expensive life is in Germany compared to Poland.
The thing is, if we got married, he'd be eligible for financial assistance from the German government. It's a system that based on your parents' income gives you a certain amount each month, half of which is a scholarship and half of which is an interest free loan. I know that the idea of a loan, even an interest-free one, is sort of scary (at least to my boyfriend), but it would make things a lot easier. To give you an idea, we're talking about € 400-500 a month, that makes €200 - 250 pure scholarship.

Now I don't have a very romantic view on marriage, I see it from a rather pragmatic point of view. And that view is that even if we ended up having to pay for a divorce in the end, we'd have a zero-sum game. We'd just go to the courthouse and get it over and done with and have the ceremony and party on the date we originally planned. We wouldn't get rings and I probably wouldn't refer to him as "my husband" and we could keep our last names for the time being. In Germany, if you keep your last names when getting married, you can change them to one of your family names up to 5 years after getting married.

I talked it through with my mum, who was very supportive. She recently got married for financial reasons, too It runs in the family.


Does this seem like a reasonable idea to other people, too or am I just being silly?

You two have a beautiful strong relationship, and will get married sooner or later. so why not now, if the situation asks for it? I dont think you would regreat it, and i only can see good things from you and him getting married