Help! How do I save my LDR?

[fitfilipina]

This is my first post, so please bear with me =)

A little background info: I met my SO at the local college I was attending at the time. We became involved about a year ago, but have officially been dating for about ten months. We're relatively young -- 20 and 21 -- but I think we're both relatively independent and mature for our age (i.e. I'm graduating with my B.A. this year, he lives on his own, etc.) Oh, and this is also both our first "serious" relationship.

The reason why we're in an LDR right now is because I transferred to a university to finish up my degree the past Fall. We're only about 160 miles apart, but still...distance is distance. We try to alternate visits on the weekends as much as we can (a 2.5 drive for him, 4.5 hour train ride for me), but it's still been really tough on me. I'm involved and busy with school here, but I constantly feel this void that only he can fill. It's been especially bad lately; I feel positive for a couple days but then I break down and usually end up crying. Yeah, I admit that I'm not very happy when I'm feeling this way, but I love him and this is the situation we've been put in... so I've just gotta get through it. I'm confident in our ability to succeed, it's just been a hell of a challenge.

My SO, on the other hand, seems to have no problem dealing with the distance. He tells me it's easy because he loves me and he knows it's going to work out. I admire and appreciate his faith in us, but sometimes it makes me feel terrible that I'm not on the same level as him. And since he really has no issue with our situation, during the week I feel as if I'm not receiving the same kind of affection or attention that I get when we're with each other on the weekends (understandable, I guess).

As of late, I feel like that's really taking a toll on our relationship. I'll call him feeling upset and lonely and he just ends up getting frustrated because "I keep beating the issue to the ground." He says he's exhausted of constantly having to reassure me that everything is going to be okay and that I should be positive when it only lasts fora couple days and then I'm missing him terribly again. He says that he feels like he's dating two different people, someone miserable during the week and someone happy on the weekends.

I'm honestly afraid that I'm ruining my relationship because now he says he's starting to lose the positivism he used to have. I know he's mentally drained from having to console me every couple of days, but I'm not doing it to bring him down -- I'm trying to confide in him because I miss him and he always misconstrues it as me complaining or bickering or trying to start a fight. Our relationship has definitely been testy for about a month or two, and since he has this notion that perfect couples hardly, if ever, fight, he's starting to believe that our relationship is unstable and unhealthy.

I know he just wishes I could be positive about it, which I'm honestly trying to and work on everyday, but I'm really not like him. I want us to have a countdown of when we can close the distance, but he just keeps telling me that we need to take it as it comes, and there's no need to set an end date because we will make it no matter how long it takes. I want to feel affection from miles away, even if it's from a text message but he says cute messages will only go so far. He tells me he'll work on it, and then the issue comes up again and he finds it hard to give me affection after we've beat the issue into the ground again. We really have zero intentions of breaking up with each other (it's really not an option for us, although we've both considered taking a break), because we do love each other and we both know we can work it out, but it's honestly been so, so rocky and we're both getting a little drained. And I feel like I'm the main cause of it, which sucks, obviously.

So I don't really know what to do... help?

[Sierra]

I can say I can really relate. People here tend to say that the distance being a problem is indicative of another problem in the relationship, but I disagree to a certain extent.

I'm like you. I'm totally myself, happy and who I want to be when I'm with my boyfriend, but when i'm not, insecure and sadness eats away at me. The last time I was visiting my boyfriend I broke down crying, telling him how sorry I was, how I knew I made it hard to deal with me and I didn't mean to but it wasn't who I really am, he told me that he knew and that he understood that who I was on the weekends with him was who I actually was, and he's right.

Not being with my boyfriend (not that I would need to be around him 24/7, I guess I mean just not even having the option to see him) is really hard for me. There are days when I need nothing more than to be wrapped in his arms and when I can't have that, I get upset and I take it out on the one person I shouldn't - my boyfriend.

People always say stay busy, and I do, but I'm not going to lie, there are times where I become someone I'm not proud of and I have to remove myself even from him to protect our relationship. I'm not proud of who I become at times, but being long distance is hard. I would really encourage you to remove yourself and take time to yourself when you feel that you're particularly morose, upset or whatever. It's ok to have me time.

You need to find an effective way to manage your feelings without destroying your relationship. I'm sure other people will have better suggestions but you're certainly not alone and you CAN do it.

[Kairi19]

I completely understand where you're coming from. For the first three and a half months that my SO was away, I felt depressed and lonely all the time. It was like there was a great big hole inside of me. What made me feel worse was that he was really happy and enjoying himself. It was as though the distance wasn't affecting him at all. I always worried that when I cried to him over Skype I was bringing him down and that soon enough he would grow sick of it.

What I think the best thing for you to do is keep positive. That's what I learned to do. Look forward to the weekends when you see him and plan lots of fun things to do together. When you're apart, keep yourself as busy as you can so that you're not thinking about him so much. I personally grew weary of being so mopey all the time so I started focusing on uni work and hanging out with my friends. Doing different things will also give you topics to talk about during the week rather than saying anything negative. Take it day by day and try not to worry about the future too much. Does your SO understand that you're not complaining or wishing to start a fight with him? If not, maybe it would also be worth calmly talking to him about what is really bothering you.

You shouldn't feel bad though, everyone handles LDRs differently. It just seems that your SO is one of the lucky ones who find it easy to cope with! Good luck.

[Rugger]

First of all, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, everyone has disagreements and issues. Everyone. Secondly, I know how you feel. I'm always feeling like he doesn't miss me as much as I miss him, because he doesn't deal with it the same way you do. My SO is like yours. There is no doubt in his mind that we are going to work out. I envy his conviction because I'm scared. Sometimes I feel like screaming at him because he's so calm and collected about the whole darn thing.

There is nothing wrong about the way you are feeling, but I think the way you are dealing with it is pushing him away. You need to keep yourself busy so you don't have the time or energy left to miss him. Find a new hobby. Write. Draw. Work out. Learn how to knit. Do something to keep from moping and try and remain positive. Try and cheer yourself up and calm yourself without having to go to him. He loves you. If he didn't he wouldn't be in an LDR with you.

[fitfilipina]

Thanks for all the support, I really appreciate it! =)
I really do feel so much better that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

@Kairi19: Yes, he understands that I'm not trying to pick a fight when I'm feeling mopey and trying to get support on his end, but he often tells me that "actions are louder than words," and because he knows I'm not feeling all that great he'd rather listen to my feelings than what I'm saying. If you get what I mean, lol.

And I know that everyone says to keep busy...but I am! I'm a full-time student that also works 25+ hours a week, on top of extra-curricular activities. I hardly even have the time to socialize. I sometimes feel that because I am trying to stay focused and busy, that it just makes me feel even more lonely; I don't want my life to keep going without him truly being a part of it. :/

I guess what I really have to do is just be positive about it. But it makes it difficult when I overthink everything and start thinking about the future when he has to moe on and get his degree, possibly enlist in the military...I just don't want this long distance to the norm for any longer than it has to.

And it doesn't help that he really has no problem with us being apart. Like, I don't ever see him trying to close the gap between us and I really don''t want to have to be doing this for forever (hyperbole, but it feels that way!)

[Sierra]

Talk to him about your insecurities. This has really helped me find more peace in my relationship. I don't feel like my boyfriend misses me the way I miss him, but again, it's because he's always with his friends and what not that keeps him happy. Hell hun, I'm busy too and even in my busiest moments, my boyfriend is on my mind. It's not something I can escape from, and I don't think it's something everyone can escape from either.

When you have lingering or lasting questions or doubts you should talk to him about it, really, it could be cathartic to you and allow you guys to move forward in your relationship instead of the self sabotage it sounds like you're engaging in.

[fitfilipina]

@Sierra: I do tell him about my insecurities, and how I'm feeling about our situation. But every time I bring it up he tells me I'm beating the issue dead into the ground and that I should just get over it and be positive. It feels kinda counterproductive to me, because I'm looking for support, and he's just telling me I can deal with it. Hmmph.

[Kiyama]

I can relate to your problem. When I left my SO after spending 3 months together two months ago I was a complete mess. I broke down almost every day and I couldn't possibly imagine how to go on like this for over a year. I felt happy when we are on the phone but about three weeks ago we didn't get to talk for a few days and I really freaked out about it. Looking back now I know I overreacted but the pain was so real at that moment.

However, something happened during the course of the last weeks. Somehow I managed to adjust. I accepted the situation. It's not like I'm fine with it all the time and I have lonely and sad moments and he's on my mind all the time but... I live without constant breakdowns and don't feel miserable all the time anymore. I also feel like I'm learning a lot through this. I don't think most couples learn how to communicate with each other the way ldr couples do. I believe this will make us stronger in the end.

It sometimes takes a long time to adjust but I think eventually you need to get to this point because you cannot go through life like this. Not only because it might destroy your relationship but because it's destroying you too! You need to accept that these are the circumstances you're in and you can't change that. So try and make the best out of it (I have to tell that to myself from time to time too). This Is a really great quote that just came to my mind:"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference." (Serenity Prayer)

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I had a similar problem with my SO.
I know you want to share your pain with him, but the problem with that is that all your communication is going to revovle around the same topic. I understand where he's coming from with the "beating the issue dead to the ground" comment, because if that's what he's hearing from you 5 days out of 7... it's tiring.
My SO ended up getting frustrated with me and pretty much told me to man up. And although it seems a little harsh, to be honest, it was the best thing for me. I did what he said, and I'm finding it much much easier. Our conversations aren't always about missing each other and being miserable. And on the whole, it makes the day-to-day distance a bit easier. If we're not focusing all our attention when we talk on how hard it is to be apart, it makes things easier and less pressured.
Another thing my SO said is that I shouldn't be so heavily reliant on him for my happiness. And I agree. I'm not saying you can't be sad without him, or that it's wrong for him to make you happy, but you need to find other sources of happiness too. You have to be strong without him, firstly and foremostly for yourself. What if this relationship does go wrong? How are you going to react then? I'm not trying to be hard on you, but I think that it's important that you get a handle on this situation, for your relationship, and your own peace of mind.
I do think that the whole visiting-every-weekend thing can be very difficult. You're just getting into the swing of being without him, and all of a sudden you have to do the whole leaving again. It might actually benefit you to try and do a couple of longer stretches apart. If you hate it, you can always go back to every weekend, but if it helps, you might find coping with the distance on an everyday level easier.

[digitalfever]

@Sierra: I do tell him about my insecurities, and how I'm feeling about our situation. But every time I bring it up he tells me I'm beating the issue dead into the ground and that I should just get over it and be positive. It feels kinda counterproductive to me, because I'm looking for support, and he's just telling me I can deal with it. Hmmph.

I don't want to sound harsh but he does have a point! I don't mean to say you should just "get over it" I do mean to ay however that you should finds ways in which you can deal with and work through your insecurities and worries without projecting the negativity. My SO is Mr. Positive while I can make a 1000's negative assumptions in a second and imagine a scenario in which they'd all come true at the same time. So I do get it but there is a point where letting go of all the insecurities etc... does help the relationship and allow it to grow as it is rather than hinder it's growth. I don't think "getting over it" is the problem here but accepting it and moving on is the issue here.

At a certain point you do need to come to terms with where your relationship is a develop strategies for yourself to get through this. I understand that your looking for support from him however, there is also a limit to how many times someone can reassure you and help you through a situation. There needs to be a plan in place for yourself where you learned to tend to your insecurities on your own.

[Anolinde]

I'm in the same boat, I come here for similar advice....at least I hope you feel better knowing you are not the only one that feels this way or that is going through this.

[fitfilipina]

Thanks so much for the input everyone! I seriously just printed this entire thread out so I can refer to it when I have an off day in the future...

I really think I am coming to terms with it. It's been a long 6 months, but I'm started to get more and more acquainted with this feeling, which is making me feel a lot better. Of course, there are still holes that need to be filled, but for now I'm working towards staying positive and keeping my eye on the goal.

[ushiwakafox]

That's exactly how my SO is. He's just so ok with any situation, sometimes it makes me feel like he doesn't care. But there has to be a yin to every yang. There has to be a positive person; two negatives don't seem to do too well. I think you can only cry to your SO about this issue so much. Because it is exhausting to deal with. I was exactly like this when we were LD. And, like your SO, mine never pushed plans on closing the distance too soon. He was interested in me getting the most out of school, being with my family, etc. But you get to a point where you are confident and determined enough to realize that this is your life too. If he's like my SO, being ok with the distance, then he should be fine with you going back and closing the distance. You're the one that chose to move and finish your degree elsewhere. Therefor this is your decision to move back, if you so choose. You're trying to include him in these decisions, but don't let him be the one to make you stay.
Anyway, I remember that working on my confidence while I was away really helped me cope. Learn how to be self sufficient. I don't suggest taking a break, not everyone can handle that. I know I wouldn't be able to. My ex and I decided to take a break. We've been on that "break" for 5 years now XD.
It's perfectly normal for a girl to seek consolation. But guys seem to deal with sorrow by separating himself. When you're on opposite ends of the spectrum, like you and your SO seem to be, it makes for your SO to give comfort, because his idea of comfort is solitude. My SO is the same way. So when you are feeling cruddy and miserable, seek other means of comfort. Friends or family, or even this forum. I always come here for emotional support, and always leave feeling better.
I hope I made sense X)

[goalie_girl34]

We all miss our SO's but you cant let that define the relationship. Look at it from his point of view. He stays positive and everytime he's on the phone with you you're negative, upset or crying. He has a bit of a point.You guys see each other most weekends and a lot of people on this site would give anything for that to be the case. You cant let 5/7 days of the week be awful because you arent near him. He's staying positive and strong and hopeful and you are not, it must be draining for him to be the one you're happiness is so reliant upon. You need to keep yourself busy to keep from missing him so much and be happy with what you have for now because you do have it pretty good. You're going to end up pushing him away if you;re not careful.

All that being said I do feel for you as we all feel for each other on this site. LDR's are heard and the sometimes negative feelings come with the territory but you have plenty of positive ones to balance them out.