So this may be a little bit long, but I will do my best to only post the necessary. I would really appreciate some feedback as I feel at a total loss at the moment.
So basically, I went to Costa Rica last summer with my school and while I was there I met a guy. Now, right from the beginning, he and I had this strange connection. We weren't immediately attracted to each other, it wasn't love at first sight, he didn't give me butterflies and I didn't think that he was all that attractive. He's shorter than me (Ticos...) and I think that was the main thing that I was embarrassed about. I felt a little ashamed because I thought that people were judging me, I was afraid that people would think that he was too unattractive for me (This is at the risk of sounding like a total bitch, but I think it's relevant). Even so, I still felt this strange bond with him. Like I was just so comfortable, I felt like I had known him for a really long time. Now, he spoke broken English and I spoke broken Spanish, so we connected on a pretty basic, physical level. We spent about a week together, and just enjoyed the company of one another. I spent my last night with him, and when he took me home in a taxi, I said goodbye and was not expecting to see him ever again. To my surprise, he called me like three hours later. Then again, and again, until it was just a normal schedule and we would talk every couple of days (if not every or every other day).
With the language barrier, we couldn't have deep conversations with expressive language, so we talked about trivial things, as well as romantic lovey-dovey talk that we could both understand. We said I love you from a very early point. Even though neither of us really meant it at the time, I think we could both feel that there was the potential. It was kind of the same thing with conversation. We couldn't (and still some days are better than others) converse really, and I started to think and worry about that. Do we have anything in common? If we could speak each other's language, would we have good things to talk about? Is he someone that will appreciate and work with me in my passion for working with humans and my love for the earth? Is my spirituality going to be too out of bounds for him? My brain swims, I worry, I stress, until eventually all I can think of is the negative. "What am I doing? Is this ever going to work out? Am I just in this relationship because I don't want to be alone and I want someone to love me?(That has been the case in my past relationships, so I can't help but be afraid that it could be the same thing.) If we were together, would we have a good relationship? (I am planning to go back for a few months to teach English and to also see what happens with this relationship). What happens if I go there to see him, and we end up being just friends? What if it doesn't work out? Will I have wasted my time and lots of money?
When we talk, when it's a good day, things are wonderful. I feel comfortable and loved. He listens to me and encourages me to open up about things that I have a hard time talking about. He tells me the truth when I ask a question. He lives simply, comfortably, happily. He doesn't need much and he appreciates the small things in life. He makes me smile and laugh. Then when we aren't talking, when I am living the other 20 hours of my day, my brain goes crazy. I create scenarios in my head, sometimes good, other times really bad, and I get so goddamned confused. What do I feel? How can I love him, care about him, want to be with him, and then go off and start thinking that I should find someone more attractive, someone who has more of my same interests, someone who lives here? I just don't understand myself at all. Is it normal to feel this confused and wishy-washy? It should be restated that we have maintained and nurtured this relationship for almost eight months over technology. I only know so much about him, as there is only so much you can learn about a person from two hours a day on a computer screen.
I know that a lot of these things I can really only answer on my own, but I would really appreciate some feedback, some advice, some stories of relation and understanding.
Thank you for reading
So basically, I went to Costa Rica last summer with my school and while I was there I met a guy. Now, right from the beginning, he and I had this strange connection. We weren't immediately attracted to each other, it wasn't love at first sight, he didn't give me butterflies and I didn't think that he was all that attractive. He's shorter than me (Ticos...) and I think that was the main thing that I was embarrassed about. I felt a little ashamed because I thought that people were judging me, I was afraid that people would think that he was too unattractive for me (This is at the risk of sounding like a total bitch, but I think it's relevant). Even so, I still felt this strange bond with him. Like I was just so comfortable, I felt like I had known him for a really long time. Now, he spoke broken English and I spoke broken Spanish, so we connected on a pretty basic, physical level. We spent about a week together, and just enjoyed the company of one another. I spent my last night with him, and when he took me home in a taxi, I said goodbye and was not expecting to see him ever again. To my surprise, he called me like three hours later. Then again, and again, until it was just a normal schedule and we would talk every couple of days (if not every or every other day).
With the language barrier, we couldn't have deep conversations with expressive language, so we talked about trivial things, as well as romantic lovey-dovey talk that we could both understand. We said I love you from a very early point. Even though neither of us really meant it at the time, I think we could both feel that there was the potential. It was kind of the same thing with conversation. We couldn't (and still some days are better than others) converse really, and I started to think and worry about that. Do we have anything in common? If we could speak each other's language, would we have good things to talk about? Is he someone that will appreciate and work with me in my passion for working with humans and my love for the earth? Is my spirituality going to be too out of bounds for him? My brain swims, I worry, I stress, until eventually all I can think of is the negative. "What am I doing? Is this ever going to work out? Am I just in this relationship because I don't want to be alone and I want someone to love me?(That has been the case in my past relationships, so I can't help but be afraid that it could be the same thing.) If we were together, would we have a good relationship? (I am planning to go back for a few months to teach English and to also see what happens with this relationship). What happens if I go there to see him, and we end up being just friends? What if it doesn't work out? Will I have wasted my time and lots of money?
When we talk, when it's a good day, things are wonderful. I feel comfortable and loved. He listens to me and encourages me to open up about things that I have a hard time talking about. He tells me the truth when I ask a question. He lives simply, comfortably, happily. He doesn't need much and he appreciates the small things in life. He makes me smile and laugh. Then when we aren't talking, when I am living the other 20 hours of my day, my brain goes crazy. I create scenarios in my head, sometimes good, other times really bad, and I get so goddamned confused. What do I feel? How can I love him, care about him, want to be with him, and then go off and start thinking that I should find someone more attractive, someone who has more of my same interests, someone who lives here? I just don't understand myself at all. Is it normal to feel this confused and wishy-washy? It should be restated that we have maintained and nurtured this relationship for almost eight months over technology. I only know so much about him, as there is only so much you can learn about a person from two hours a day on a computer screen.
I know that a lot of these things I can really only answer on my own, but I would really appreciate some feedback, some advice, some stories of relation and understanding.
Thank you for reading
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