First, I read your entire blog. I couldn't help it, you're a damn good writer. I'm sorry this is how I found out about it. Warning: Long @_@
What I never got is why she couldn't let you be there with her at least emotionally while she's getting her life together? I had mine with me through all sorts of crap including rape, a car crash resulting in the total loss of my car, losing two years of school because of it, losing much of my ability to walk because of said crash (yep, handicap), chronic unemployment, random illness, kidney infection after kidney infection (which all required hospitalization), drug addiction, relapse, drug withdrawal, random blackouts where I found out later I was screaming about the voices (looooong story), basically a lot of crap I'm not comfortable sharing. Back to the point. He stayed with me through all of that. It was obviously humiliating for me, but I never flat out cut him out of my life. I gave him countless opportunities to leave which he always said no, but I didn't force the decision on him. I can't imagine hurting him that way. I love him too much to do that to him. I know everyone thinks differently, but I just don't get why she would do it.
The one thing that really got me were the lies. Why would she lie to you, and why to the extent that she did? To protect you? I'm sorry, but that's bullshit. From what I saw, the lies just ended up hurting you so much worse than if she were just honest from the beginning. An example would be the guy she moved in with, Kyle. She ended up hurting both of you. She led him on and made him believe that they had a shot, and she didn't even bother telling you that she was in real need for somewhere to live. Would you have honestly gotten to pissed off if she had told you the truth? The best thing she could have done would be to tell you both why she moved back, that she needed somewhere to live, and that she had no real feelings left for Kyle and she just needed a roommate. Hell, she should've told you she was moving back in the first place. I can't imagine the hell you went through to get her back to Chicago, just to move back to Oklahoma (which she hated) behind your back. Would you have been so angry if she told you she was homesick, missed her family, and had better job opportunities there? If you'd take her issues so badly, you'd be a horrible person. I seriously doubt you're that bad of a human being. I'm sorry, but the things she seems to be indirectly accusing you of are just insane.
Then there's those random disappearances. I know it happens. I can understand a few times, for a few days or even a couple weeks, or at least with an explanation. What she's doing to you is ridiculous though. Leaving with no explanation and expecting you not to worry? What does she take you for? Considering she claims to love you, maybe she should have explained to you what was going on, if not everything then at least just the important details. Hell, she could've just send a quick e-mail or video message telling you that she's ok and that you don't need to worry about her. She owed you at least that, don't you think? I think all of us would agree here. Then there's the refusal of phone calls, refusal to see you, or even an explanation of why she can't see you so you wouldn't waste your time and you could just enjoy yourself in the US. All because you hurt her feelings in an e-mail? Now, I can't judge this part too well since you didn't post either e-mail you send her that time you were drunk and the next morning. I think that part was a little eh. It would've been fail to see both sides on that one. I know it can be humiliating letting people on the internet see your drunk typing, but I have no idea what type of things you told her. I can only assume it's hopefully only what she should've heard. Assuming that, she's been disappearing on you repeatedly for four years, giving no explanations as to why, lying to you about huge issues, not bothering to even send the occasional e-mail or letter to let you know she's ok or at least alive, consistently breaking promises, making wedding plans she knew she was not going to keep, and just plain constantly hurts you and breaks your heart leading you here to ask us for advice. I personally don't think that she has the right to avoid her because you "hurt her". No, that is a double standard. You have a hell of a lot more right to be pissed.
Look, God bless you for staying this long. I would've given up a long time ago, but you don't deserve this. This is an unhealthy relationship. All she's doing is leading you on, and using you for an ego boost when you're convenient to her. If you plan to spend your life with someone, you don't ditch them when they're not convenient to you. You've been faithful all this time, you've done everything you could to stay by her side, you've gone to hunt her down in person, you've kept in contact with her family and friends just to know anything about her, waited for her, basically you're an amazing human being any person would be lucky to have them love them. From all she's done, I really don't think she deserves someone as wonderful as you.
Thinking about it, I think her age should be taken into account. It would be one thing if she were still a kid discovering herself. She's a grown woman though. I believe you said that right now she's 29. My mom had her second child at 29. It would be one thing if she did this all on her own, but she's with you. She has no right to drag you around and force you to suffer while giving you nothing in return except for barely enough to keep you around. To do this as a full grown woman who at her age who should know when to be responsible and expects a serious relationship is just appalling. I know, I know, people can still explore themselves well into their 70's, 80's, 90's 100's, ect. Again, not while putting the man she loves and who loves her through hell. There is a point where you say "Fuck it" and do what you have to do in life, where your goals need to adjust unexpected circumstances, like finding love. How is it that some 19-year-old junkie knows this better? For the love of God, I went through the excruciating pain of getting sober cold turkey for the man I love. Hell, it almost killed me. I know what it's like to make hard decisions. She's immature, and you deserve a woman who isn't going to use you and string you around like this.
I'm sorry for it all coming out like this. I wanted it to come out a bit kinder, but while writing all of this I just kept thinking to what you two have gone through. I just kept thinking how such a great person like you has had to suffer for her, and it all seems like it's pointless. I'm not here to tell you what to do. How could I? As I've stated before, I'm not necessarily the best at decision making as you can see from some of my previous ones. I do want to make this clear, I am not calling Kelli a bad person. I just see her as a person who is not making the right decisions, and really at this point not right for you anymore. Either she starts getting honest and giving you what you giver her back, or end this so you don't have to suffer so much anymore. I really don't have much else to say, except that I believe this relationship has run it's course and is basically just being forced at this point. I also want you to know that you are a very strong man for being able to go through all of this. Please don't lose this quality, we need more people around with such strength.
What I never got is why she couldn't let you be there with her at least emotionally while she's getting her life together? I had mine with me through all sorts of crap including rape, a car crash resulting in the total loss of my car, losing two years of school because of it, losing much of my ability to walk because of said crash (yep, handicap), chronic unemployment, random illness, kidney infection after kidney infection (which all required hospitalization), drug addiction, relapse, drug withdrawal, random blackouts where I found out later I was screaming about the voices (looooong story), basically a lot of crap I'm not comfortable sharing. Back to the point. He stayed with me through all of that. It was obviously humiliating for me, but I never flat out cut him out of my life. I gave him countless opportunities to leave which he always said no, but I didn't force the decision on him. I can't imagine hurting him that way. I love him too much to do that to him. I know everyone thinks differently, but I just don't get why she would do it.
The one thing that really got me were the lies. Why would she lie to you, and why to the extent that she did? To protect you? I'm sorry, but that's bullshit. From what I saw, the lies just ended up hurting you so much worse than if she were just honest from the beginning. An example would be the guy she moved in with, Kyle. She ended up hurting both of you. She led him on and made him believe that they had a shot, and she didn't even bother telling you that she was in real need for somewhere to live. Would you have honestly gotten to pissed off if she had told you the truth? The best thing she could have done would be to tell you both why she moved back, that she needed somewhere to live, and that she had no real feelings left for Kyle and she just needed a roommate. Hell, she should've told you she was moving back in the first place. I can't imagine the hell you went through to get her back to Chicago, just to move back to Oklahoma (which she hated) behind your back. Would you have been so angry if she told you she was homesick, missed her family, and had better job opportunities there? If you'd take her issues so badly, you'd be a horrible person. I seriously doubt you're that bad of a human being. I'm sorry, but the things she seems to be indirectly accusing you of are just insane.
Then there's those random disappearances. I know it happens. I can understand a few times, for a few days or even a couple weeks, or at least with an explanation. What she's doing to you is ridiculous though. Leaving with no explanation and expecting you not to worry? What does she take you for? Considering she claims to love you, maybe she should have explained to you what was going on, if not everything then at least just the important details. Hell, she could've just send a quick e-mail or video message telling you that she's ok and that you don't need to worry about her. She owed you at least that, don't you think? I think all of us would agree here. Then there's the refusal of phone calls, refusal to see you, or even an explanation of why she can't see you so you wouldn't waste your time and you could just enjoy yourself in the US. All because you hurt her feelings in an e-mail? Now, I can't judge this part too well since you didn't post either e-mail you send her that time you were drunk and the next morning. I think that part was a little eh. It would've been fail to see both sides on that one. I know it can be humiliating letting people on the internet see your drunk typing, but I have no idea what type of things you told her. I can only assume it's hopefully only what she should've heard. Assuming that, she's been disappearing on you repeatedly for four years, giving no explanations as to why, lying to you about huge issues, not bothering to even send the occasional e-mail or letter to let you know she's ok or at least alive, consistently breaking promises, making wedding plans she knew she was not going to keep, and just plain constantly hurts you and breaks your heart leading you here to ask us for advice. I personally don't think that she has the right to avoid her because you "hurt her". No, that is a double standard. You have a hell of a lot more right to be pissed.
Look, God bless you for staying this long. I would've given up a long time ago, but you don't deserve this. This is an unhealthy relationship. All she's doing is leading you on, and using you for an ego boost when you're convenient to her. If you plan to spend your life with someone, you don't ditch them when they're not convenient to you. You've been faithful all this time, you've done everything you could to stay by her side, you've gone to hunt her down in person, you've kept in contact with her family and friends just to know anything about her, waited for her, basically you're an amazing human being any person would be lucky to have them love them. From all she's done, I really don't think she deserves someone as wonderful as you.
Thinking about it, I think her age should be taken into account. It would be one thing if she were still a kid discovering herself. She's a grown woman though. I believe you said that right now she's 29. My mom had her second child at 29. It would be one thing if she did this all on her own, but she's with you. She has no right to drag you around and force you to suffer while giving you nothing in return except for barely enough to keep you around. To do this as a full grown woman who at her age who should know when to be responsible and expects a serious relationship is just appalling. I know, I know, people can still explore themselves well into their 70's, 80's, 90's 100's, ect. Again, not while putting the man she loves and who loves her through hell. There is a point where you say "Fuck it" and do what you have to do in life, where your goals need to adjust unexpected circumstances, like finding love. How is it that some 19-year-old junkie knows this better? For the love of God, I went through the excruciating pain of getting sober cold turkey for the man I love. Hell, it almost killed me. I know what it's like to make hard decisions. She's immature, and you deserve a woman who isn't going to use you and string you around like this.
I'm sorry for it all coming out like this. I wanted it to come out a bit kinder, but while writing all of this I just kept thinking to what you two have gone through. I just kept thinking how such a great person like you has had to suffer for her, and it all seems like it's pointless. I'm not here to tell you what to do. How could I? As I've stated before, I'm not necessarily the best at decision making as you can see from some of my previous ones. I do want to make this clear, I am not calling Kelli a bad person. I just see her as a person who is not making the right decisions, and really at this point not right for you anymore. Either she starts getting honest and giving you what you giver her back, or end this so you don't have to suffer so much anymore. I really don't have much else to say, except that I believe this relationship has run it's course and is basically just being forced at this point. I also want you to know that you are a very strong man for being able to go through all of this. Please don't lose this quality, we need more people around with such strength.
Terry you seem like such a great guy. I have been thinking about your story for days. I totally feel for you and I feel like I know Kelli too but obviously she deals with problems in a very detrimental way to you. I don't know what to say.
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