The Break-Up and the Aftermath

[devanneallover]

First, I need advice of any kind, please.

Second, I didn't spell check this or read over it again soooo if something is misspelled or my grammar is weird then oh well. haha.


So, title says it all. Rob and I broke up.

I haven't been on here because honestly, I haven't let myself come to terms with it. We broke up on November 21st, the day before we would have been together 1 year and 7 months. Almost hit the 2 year mark. :C

He and I have been having problems for around a month or so, on and off. And during one particularly bad fight he broke up with me. I was heartbroken. All that time and effort, all the things I mailed him, all the things we did together was suddenly gone in an instant. I shut myself down immediately and I didn't really let myself be sad--such is just my nature. I was an emotional robot. Rob and i didn't speak for 2 weeks. Then I finally called him when I was calm enough to talk without crying or yelling at him. We talked things out and just decided that right now, it was best for us. He didn't have the time to devote to me that I deserved, and I had a lot of stuff that was stressing me out and he was just adding to it. We decided to stay "friends" and it actually was working.
That is, until I started hanging out with another guy...

I started spending time with this guy almost immediately after Rob and I broke up. His name is Mark. He's really nice, really cute and I loved the companionship. He helped me heal......or so I thought.

Fast forward to New Year's eve. One of my friends had a psychotic breakdown and long story short, my best friend and me spent the whole night in the hospital with her. I was again in a really broken place and I turned to Mark for support. I was an emotional wreck. I was confused, and hurt and just so broken and the events on New Year's just intensified all of that. I wanted more than anything to talk to Rob but I couldn't get him to talk to me at all, even though he knew what I was going through.

Then things took an even worse turn.

The girl who had teh psychotic breakdown, was let out of the mental hospital (God only knows why), and started stalking me. It was terrifying. She would lurk outside my building. Show up to my workplace. Call and text me relentlessly. It was really scary. One night she was sitting in front of my building in her car. I was trapped. Again, I instinctively wanted to turn to Rob but he wasn't there for me.

So, I turned to Mark for comfort and protection. And I'll always be grateful to him for being there for me. Mark lives in my building so i went upstairs to his place and he assured me things would be okay. I was trembling with fear and so he opened a bottle of wine and we cuddled up on his bed and talked and drank our wine. We finished the bottle and by that time were feeling kind of tipsy. He kissed me and things ended up getting a little out of control. I was in a broken place and he took advantage of that. But I'm not going to state it as being all his fault.

We hooked up a few more times after that, usually drunk and/or tipsy, but I had to break it off. I wasn't into it. It didn't feel right and I couldn't stop thinking of Rob. Being naked with another man except for the sterling silver and diamond necklace ROB got me last Christmas -- I was absolutely disgusted with myself. Mark and I stopped seeing each other, even as friends. And to this day I haven't seen him in 3 weeks. He barely talks to me at all. I think I hurt him too.

It made me realize what Rob and I had together. He was undoubtedly the love of my life. We lost our virginity to each other and we were each others best friends. I can't have sex for the sake of sex. I need the emotional attachment which is something I wouldn't let myself have with Mark. I don't trust him not to break me.

A few days ago I was texting Rob and he asked me if I had slept with anybody else. I can't lie to him. It's literally impossible for me so I told him yes, and that I wasn't proud of it. He was really upset with me and told me he didn't want anything to do with me, and he definitely didn't want to sleep with me again if I had been with someone else minus the emotional attachment. It hurt, not gonna lie. I know I hurt him worse. I told him yesterday about a guy we both knew who asked me out to a bar and I didn't want to go.

I texted, "I'm too nice. I need to learn to say no."

To which he responded, "Yeah, you ought to work on that. Saying NO, I mean."

That hurt. He was obviously referring to Mark. We texted again last night and he admitted to being really hurt. I apologized...........against my better judgement. He didn't really seem to acknowledge it.

Why do I feel like I cheated on him? ..... And why is he acting like I did? We hadn't been together for over a month when it happened.
I was planning on taking a trip to Chicago with some friends the last week of March, and maybe seeing him. I need to just see him face to face so I can get some closure. Plus, I love the city and am dying to go back.

I don't really know what I want from anybody that reads this. But maybe suggestions? Should I just leave him alone? Will he just get over it? Should I call him and talk about it?
I feel like shit. I didn't want to hurt him. Ever. And the thing with Mark made my depression even worse.
:c

Help?

[floridaellen]

I'm going to PM you!

[elina]

Not sure how straight I'm thinking at the moment (it's 3:30am) but.. to me it sounds like that Rob guy has no right to be thinking you cheated on him, because well.. you didn't, did you? You were broken up and not even getting back together by the sounds of it. And I don't think you should feel guilty for sleeping with someone else. Maybe it wasn't the smartest thing (personal opinion, I couldn't go have sex for the sake of sex either) but it was your decision to make. You needed help and comfort, he wasn't willing to give it to you so you had a right to turn to someone else, and you did.

You guys breaking up doesn't mean you're meant to stay single forever, does it? Rob's the one who ended the relationship, so it's none of his business who you're going out with. I don't understand what his problem is. And him asking you if you've slept with someone else sounds like he's trying to make you feel guilty for seeing other people and wanting to keep you to himself and not have anyone else.

Just my opinion, I hope it wasn't offensive, because it wasn't meant to be.

Anyway, I hope you get to sort things out and maybe get some better advice than my rambling xD Take care

[devanneallover]

I think he just thought I wasn't going to move on. And I haven't, but my actions are sending him that message. Sleeping with Mark DEFINITELY wasn't the best idea, but i don't regret it. I learned a valuable lesson about myself. I really don't know what his deal is either, but I can't help but be sad that I hurt him. :C

[digitalfever]

I think he just thought I wasn't going to move on. And I haven't, but my actions are sending him that message. Sleeping with Mark DEFINITELY wasn't the best idea, but i don't regret it. I learned a valuable lesson about myself. I really don't know what his deal is either, but I can't help but be sad that I hurt him. :C

I don’t know how this is going to sound so bear with me, k?
Regardless of if you slept with one guy, the whole city or if you decided guy hoping was your new “thing”. Robs response does not fit the situation. I get that he may feel as though you moved on and by sleeping with another guy you completely confirmed his suspicion BUT that’s what happens when you break up with someone. You move on, you see other people and if it goes well you sleep with them. In this case it wasn’t the best case scenario but it happened and really at the end of the day it’s none of his business and he is in no place to judge. You in no way cheated (it’s not possible if you’re not together,) and his worlds were a bit harsh.
If you don’t feel bad for sleeping with Mark then why would you apologize? You don’t owe anyone an apology especially someone you are no longer dating. I’d suggest that you quit apologizing for nothing. You didn’t do anything, you are responsible for your own sexuality and the way you express it and if you don’t feel bad for having a “good time” then I’d say the conquest was successful. If Rob is mad, then I’d suggest telling him that your sex life is no longer a topic that pertains to him (obviously in a nicer way) and also to not discuss your sex life with him in the future.

[carolynred]

Take a deep breathe girly, its gonna be ok!

I had a similar experience to yours, in terms of emotions and stuff. My ex cheated on me and he got mad at me because I decided to move on with my SO months later. Sometimes when people in a relationship break up and one can move on and the other one doesn't have someone to go to right away, that person gets jealous in a sense. Has he been able to have a romantic lifestyle since the breakup? If not, he may have gotten mad at you because you were able to move on when he could not. When my ex found out about me and my SO, he pulled the guilt card on me, and for awhile it worked. After some time, it became bearable and I just lived my life.

I have a friend who also dealt with a breakup. He loved this girl to death, but she didn't after awhile. My friend became angry with her the second he found out that 4 months later she was dating a guy she met at her new college. He told her off and made her feel guilty as well. He was hurt that she had moved on and that he still loves her and he didn't want to see her move on. Maybe your ex feels similar emotions?

I would let him be for awhile, sometimes people need time to relax and get a clear head. You did NOT cheat on him! Hope you're ok girly!

[elizabethjp2010]

it kinda sounds like rob is a prick. I am sorry. it just does. You cant chose when to love someone. He has no right to be mad at you if he couldnt be there for you when you needed him. And weather you see it this way or not you had an emotional connection with mark because he was protecting you. when people feel out of control they move towards sex, it is the natural human response, to do something you can control. There is nothing wrong with what you did, you moved on from a relationship that wasnt going anywhere. I understand you loved rob and that will never go away, you will always have loved him, but that doesnt mean he was your only love.

dont beat yourself up about it because you did not cheat, seeing as you werent in a relationship.