Low Self Esteem?

[KaitlinLynne]

My boyfriend and I both have low self esteem, so we both get VERY jealous VERY easily. We never do it when we're actually together, but when we're not together its like neither of us can stop the green-eyed monster from raging out. Yes, you are correct, we argue a lot about other girls and other guys. He's in college and I am terrified that he's going to find some girl in college to be with instead of me. It terrifies me when he goes to class everyday, or even when he goes to the store! And he's the same way with me, which has kept me from looking for a job because I'm worried that I may have to work with guys and that it would upset him, so a part of my day would be off-limits to talk about. Like if I had a male coworker that did something really funny, and I tell my bf about it, he'll get upset thinking that i like the guy, and I don't. I would do the same thing with him as well. Neither of us thinks we're great looking, he thinks he's too thin and too short for a guy, and I think I'm too large and too tall for a girl, but we both see the other as the picture of PERFECT, and we try to tell each other that all the time but its just not working on the jealousy. Has anyone else gone through this? Like I said, when we're actually together, whenever we actually get to visit each other, we're fine, and we don't get jealous like this, but when we're apart, its just out of control. If it helps you to know, we're apart 10-11 months out of the year and then MAYBE we get to see each other for 4-6 weeks, because he's paying for college and I don't have a job yet. Please help us. We've had people say that we'll grow out of it, but we've been together almost 2 years now and I think we should've "grown out of it" by now. We try reassuring each other everyday that neither of us is going anywhere, that we love each other and everything, but it doesn't seem to be working. Any suggestions?

[kat4301]

I would try to remember that while you are long-distance you don't get any body language or everyday reminders how important you are to each other. You miss the eye contact, seeing each other around people and still wanting each other not someone else, your body language that shows attraction, and all the little things that tell you are important to one another. So you have to try and verbalize it to one another, and it may feel akward because you don't do it normally. My SO used to laugh at me when I would get jealous and just say the other girl was below his league. Well that statement was not about me or our relationship at all. So he had to learn how to put it in words that I was important to him and that I had nothing to be jealous of, and it was a lot of work on both of our parts. He had to say the stuff and I had to let him know how it made me feel better. It still feels weird but it helps especially as the words become less contrived.

[fitfilipina]

It's totally normal and okay to feel jealousy sometimes -- it's kind of this instinctual thing we just have hard-wired into us (some more than others ) and I feel like it's an indicator that you care about him a lot and don't want to lose him.

Trust me, I have the same kind of insecurities that you do. My boyfriend has told me on more than one occasion that blonde girls are his ideal type, and when we're out in public I'll sometimes see his eyes shift on a blonde. A couple times, I've even redirected our path or distracted him when I saw blonde girls in the distance, just because I assumed he'd be looking at them and get jealous. See, I'm a dark haired, tan, Asian-Spanish mix so I'm basically the exact opposite of "his type" and that makes me feel really inadequate sometimes. But he constantly reassures me that he's with me for a reason and that's all that matters.

I think you need to work on your own self-esteem first. You may not feel pretty, but I'm sure your boyfriend thinks you're absolutely gorgeous. Feed off of that thought, and make yourself feel better about how you look and feel. It'll make a world of difference in the confidence department. I think it's really important that you work on these jealousy issues because when they're this bad, it stops you from doing things in your separate lives and that's definitely not a good thing. Trust is a huge factor in relationships, especially LDRs, and if you and your SO can't ever shake off that fear, then you'll constantly be living with worry. I'd suggest you reassure him too that you love and find all his little quirks that he may find unattractive, the things you love most about him. Write it down even and show him. Do things that'll boost both your confidences.

I sometimes worry that my boyfriend is looking at other girls in his classes or whatever when he's back home, but it's just human nature and you should have the confidence to know he won't ever act on it.

[KaitlinLynne]

Thank you both so much. Just reading your advice makes me feel better. I will definitely try to work on this with him. I know what you mean about not being your boyfriend's "type", my boyfriend like thin girls, and I'm far from it, and I'm the first larger girl he's ever found attractive, and he assures me that I'm the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, but growing up in the USA with the standard that society puts out there, it scares me to death that he will find someone else, someone smaller. He lives in Europe, and when I visit him all I see are thin gorgeous girls that look like they could be models and I wonder if he'll see a girl in the store or at the library and think she's prettier than me, and then maybe they'll end up talking and she'll be amazing and he'll fall out of love with me, and it scares me to death. I do trust him, I just don't trust that I'm good enough to keep him. He's my entire world and I couldn't stand losing him. He tries to help with my self esteem, and I try to help with his, but we're both just, so convince that we're the WORST choice the other could make that whatever the other says it kinda goes in one ear and out the other, but when he does tell me how beautiful he thinks I am, for that moment I feel like the most beautiful person in the world, and when he looks at me, its like I'm the only one he sees, and thinking about that makes me want to cry because I miss being able to glance over and see him watching me, but the memory also makes me smile because even for a little bit, it makes me feel beautiful. Thank you both for your suggestions, they really helped. In so many ways lol

[katylynnlee]

I have this exact problem. He's very uncomfortable with me talking to my old guy friends, because he thinks that I'll like them or something. They don't really mean much to me now, but it's stressful to think that something like that will bother him and I try to avoid it. I feel bad for not talking to my old friends, but he is right. Sometimes their motives are far from innocent.

I myself worry constantly about other girls he may meet. He is from Ontario and there is an unlimited amount of beauty in that province. We'll be downtown and everywhere I look, there's beautiful girls who just look perfect no matter where they're going. I, on the other hand am short and I wouldn't say I'm big, but maybe even awkwardly proportioned. I just have never been able to see myself as looking presentable. Even when I think I look good, I see those other girls and instantly feel like I don't measure up. I'm always looking to my SO and asking him if he thinks that girl is pretty or saying negative comments about myself. He really doesn't get the self esteem thing, he thinks I should just think I'm beautiful because I am. It's really hard sometimes. Something I've struggled with for a very long time. I even get myself into thinking that if I do gain self confidence, that my SO's lack of esteem will affect our relationship. (I will be confident that he loves me, but he will still be jealous and keep me away from things).

It is a long, rewarding process to love yourself for who you truly are. I don't even know who that is yet. I really hope that you two can realize what you mean to each other, and feel better about the situation!

[lala]

unfortunately i have no advice for you. I have a low sel esteem myself. The funny thing is that I know that I look good and guys are often afraid to talk to me cause they think that they are out of my league.. My SO also asked a few times and his friends wondered why I chose him.. Still I am jealous and afraid that he will find another girl. He is very open and likes to flirt so it makes me feel strange.. Somehow I can't trust him.

well just that you see that you are not alone.. there are people who has the same problem

[floridaellen]

I try to think of it like this....

There is always going to be someone "better". There is always going to be someone who is prettier than me, smarter than me, more athletic than me, less socially awkward, funnier, more sophisticated, ect. But my SO chose me. He wants me, even though I act a little crazy sometimes and tend to overobsess about school. He wants me, even though I am not the prettiest girl in the world and my stomach could use some working out. He wants me, even though I have a kind of annoying laugh and tend to speak without thinking, which sometimes gets me in trouble. He loves me for me.

Your SO loves you for you. If he didn't, he wouldn't deal with you being so far away. No one would put themselves in a LDR situation unless they really cared about their significant other. It wouldn't be worth it otherwise! And honestly, if he wanted to find someone else, he would, whether you control who he hangs out with or not. But I don't think he does because he's been with you for almost two years. I don't think anyone would invest that kind of time into someone they were just stringing along.

Try to focus on the positives of your relationship rather than constantly worry that he's going to find someone else. Allow each other to go out and have fun. Sure, be jealous if the situation calls for it (like he goes out and parties with all chicks, that would worry me) but allow him to hang out with his friends. Get a job if you need one; don't mention male coworkers if you think he will get jealous or get a job that has a mostly female staff (maybe places like Aerie, Victoria's Secret, ect).

Everyone struggles with jealousy. But hopefully this was somewhat helpful.

[Softy]

I couldn't agree more with Floridaellen.
And I cannot add much more, all was said.

No one is perfect, there's always a choice.
And if your SO chose you, trust him/her. There are reasons why he/she fell for you.
Because you are you.

Focus on positive things and go with the flow.
When you don't feel good, talk about it, write about it.

cheers