Time to let go of the relationship? Need advice...

[fitfilipina]

For those that haven't seen any of my previous posts, here's the lowdown:
My SO and I have been together for just under a year, and have been in a LDR since September, when I transferred to a university 160 miles away. I'm 19 going on 20, and he's 22.

Prior to being in a LDR, our relationship was pretty much perfect. We were different people with different interests (i.e. he's a country boy, I love all things city), but that was always what we found intriguing and exciting about our relationship. We spent the majority of our time together, we basically lived at his place during the week, and we never once fought. However, we also had little obligations: he was taking his time at school, I was just waiting for my acceptances, money was never really an issue, and we went on adventures whenever we wanted to.

And then I left for college, and it was like we woke up to the realities of everyone else in the world (yes, I realize that was probably the honeymoon stage ;D). Spending all our time together turned into alternating weekend visits (on most weekends). Suddenly we were busy with school and obligations and saving money. It was hard for me to adjust to being away and missing him, so I had a lot of doubts. I cried -- a lot. Then no fighting turned into fighting once a week -- about me asking for too much, being mopey all the time, trust issues, control. We had both considered going on a break or breaking up with each other. And the worse part was when we finally got to a resolution, it would resurface the next week or two because I never felt resolve and dwelled on it.

Needless to say, that was a rough time in both of our lives that lasted like a good two months. During that time I felt even more hurt because he hates/avoids conflict and thinks its a bad sign in relationships, so he was acting removed and distant -- when all I really needed was his support and affection. All the things he used to tell me -- that we'd get through anything, that all he wanted to do was be with me, he was sure he wanted to marry me -- turned into "Well, we don't even know where we're going to be a couple months from now." That was discouraging. We even once told each other that we should never see breaking up as an option and we should always work it out; now he thinks its a little "fantasyish" to believe like that. He even thinks that he doesn't make me happy anymore, and sometimes we discuss the "what if" if we broke up (is that healthy? Idk)

Since then, we've gotten a lot better. We're definitely not at the point that we were in our honeymoon stage, but I can definitely feel the love on his end, and even hear the cute romantic things he used to say and the dreams he has of us. It's still tough though, because now I feel like the fighting has shown off our true colors.

We both want different things in life that we really don't want to compromise, and I'm afraid that in the long run, that's going to really hurt our relationship. I know we're both still young, but it's still something to be considered. We have different priorities in life -- mine is my family, him, my education, settling down and starting a life so I can have a family of my own. I'm completely pluralistic and like to share my life with others. He would rather spend more time with friends than family, wants to move across the country, wants to join the military, and settle down in his 30s. I don't really want any of that, but I've told him I'd support him because I love him and want to be with him. However, deep down in my heart it's really not something I want (at the moment, at least) and my opinion on that shines through and I tell him I don't want us to go through with that. And so then I/he feels like I'm not being supportive and that's eventually going to drive us apart.

I really don't want to waste my time and invest even more of my heart, if I know at the end its not going to work out. It hurts me to even think this, because all we really want is each other (he's even told me, "The difference don't matter cause at the end of the day the most important thing that matters is that we love each other and we have that") but I'm afraid that we will never be able to find compromise in our lives and we're just going to end up having to break up because life got in the way. So I don't know what to do =/

[Zephii]

Love is not enough. The movies are a lie. You need a lot more than love to make this stuff work.

There were a few things that struck me while reading your post - one you say "I know we're still young". Yes, you're young - young adults though. And as adults you need to talk through and tackle these problems. I think the realistic stuff, like discussing what happens if you break up, is healthy and brings you back down to earth. Don't let that discourage you.
Another thing was that he feels like he doesn't make you happy. Of course he's going to feel like that if you're always crying and complaining That's just logical.

So, the differences in your desired life plans are big ones. Things that will take years. I real;y do believe you need to talk through a compromise, or just cut your loses now so you don't waste time.

With that you need to figure out what you both are willing to give up or trade in, so you both get what you need from life. Maybe you would both be able to compromise with settling down in your late 20s, and traveling before then? Perhaps joing the army reserves would be a compromise for him rather than being in the military full-time? There's usually something that can be done if the relationship is held as the highest priority.

Just talk it over some more, calmly.

[fitfilipina]

Thank you so much...I feel like the discussion really needs to happen, but so far away from the future?

[marbear31]

Yeah, pretty much exactly what Zephii said (wise married woman that she is ^_^). I've seen your posts before, and I'm sorry for the doubts plaguing your relationship at the moment. I do firmly believe that love conquers all, but only if it's meant to. I think you just need to sit down and talk about what your highest priority is. If you had to strip everything away--your careers, your individual desires, etc.--would your relationship be the first thing you fought for? Not saying individual needs aren't integral to the fabric of relationships (it's what gives them their beauty)--but when the question is the very core of your togetherness, that's when you have to evaluate if it's this togetherness that will come before your individual wants.

I'd start by building each other up. Remember what you originally saw in each other, before the doubts came in, and the fears about the future seeped into your consciousness. I hope you both can work this out, because as much as the movies are fabricated, I do know happily ever afters exist.

[fitfilipina]

The thing is, I do want to talk about it. And all I get out of him is "We both have things we need or want to do in our life that we have to do." And he hates having to make definite plans for the future because well, who knows what is going to happen (which has its validity, but still). I feel like every time I try to bring it up I go around in circles because he doesn't get it.

[keypatalina]

I'm in this exact same situation, it sucks to go around in circles but if you believe in what you have it'll all work out in the end.