His parents... ugh!

[Razorbladekissed]

I just need to rant for a minute.. my SO is living with his parents and they are so nosey. I mean I understand that they are his parents, they want to know what is going on in his life and all that but, they steal his phone and read through my texts, and then mock him about it. When I sent him a package, they got to it first and read the letter before he could. It's so frustrating to the both of us because it's an invasion of his privacy and they don't care. They just tell him that he's living under their roof so they have "the right" to do these things but I don't think that's right. He pays for his phone, they don't. The packages are going to HIM not them. UGH!! It makes me afraid to send him things, and afraid to say some things to him because they might see it. They also control when he talks to me on the computer since he has to go to the library to do it. They will tell him he can't go. He's 18, almost 19, I think he's old enough to not be bossed around by his parents and he hates it but he's trying to bear through it until he can move out on his own, so he just takes it. Does what they say. I don't know, it's just frustrating, it kind of feels like they are controlling our relationship. -exhales slowly- I think I'm done. I just had to get that out.

How is your day so far?

[lademoiselle]

I'm sorry, I can imagine how frustrating the situation is for the both of you! I don't think there is indeed a more effective solution than moving out; has he made concrete plans to do so yet or is it just something he's working towards at the moment? My SO has hinted in the past that his parents were pretty intrusive when he lived at their place (he moved out years before we met though), and whereas I don't get much of that from mine, they can be rather controlling in other ways. Parents, eh? A royal pain in the bum sometimes

My day's going well enough, thanks! I need to catch up on a lot of tasks though; I don't know when I became so terrible at time management

[Razorbladekissed]

Well right now he is working on getting a car, then he will be working on moving out. It's a slow process but I know he just wants to do everything the smart way and not just rush and move out. Which is one thing I love about him, he's responsible and thinks things through. He tells them all the time that it's his stuff but they just don't seem to care. the other day when we were camming his mom came up behind him and was like just seriously being nosey and wouldn't leave. She just stood there, hanging on him reading what we'd been talking about. I want his parents to like me and I want to get along with them but it's so hard when they can't stay out of our business.

---------- Post added at 12:05 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:04 PM ----------

I'm sorry, I can imagine how frustrating the situation is for the both of you! I don't think there is indeed a more effective solution than moving out; has he made concrete plans to do so yet or is it just something he's working towards at the moment? My SO has hinted in the past that his parents were pretty intrusive when he lived at their place (he moved out years before we met though), and whereas I don't get much of that from mine, they can be rather controlling in other ways. Parents, eh? A royal pain in the bum sometimes

My day's going well enough, thanks! I need to catch up on a lot of tasks though; I don't know when I became so terrible at time management

Ohh, and ever since I had my kids I have SUCKED at time management. x.x It's horrible, the time that I need that skill the most and its like gone forever. XD

[jenniferjade]

Well, I recently posted about this! My SO's parents are extremely involved in our relationship and it bugs me to no end. They control how long our visits will be, how many nights he can stay at the hotel with me [when i visit him], what days and/or months they will take place in. They second guess everything about me, and don't trust a word I say or a thing I do. My SO assures me that they are like this with everyone, and it's easy to see that they are, but you would think after dating their son for two years they would see that I'm legit! So, I know how you feel and it's incredibly frustrating.

The only advice I can give you is to just stand your ground. Maybe talk to his parents and tell them that it bothers you how nosy they are, or ask him to talk to them for you. After a while of doing all the trips their way, I finally told my SO that I wouldn't budge on a few certain details, and they finally agreed. They might respect you more if you show them what you're made of! I mean, his parents have even requested that when I move there, I get rid of some of my cats [I have 3!] since they are allergic and won't be able to visit our apartment that much. I said no way, no how. The nerve of parents these days, I swear! My mother would never act like that, so it just boggles my mind.

Good luck, and remember, one day they won't be able to boss him around anymore!

[Razorbladekissed]

Well, I recently posted about this! My SO's parents are extremely involved in our relationship and it bugs me to no end. They control how long our visits will be, how many nights he can stay at the hotel with me [when i visit him], what days and/or months they will take place in. They second guess everything about me, and don't trust a word I say or a thing I do. My SO assures me that they are like this with everyone, and it's easy to see that they are, but you would think after dating their son for two years they would see that I'm legit! So, I know how you feel and it's incredibly frustrating.

The only advice I can give you is to just stand your ground. Maybe talk to his parents and tell them that it bothers you how nosy they are, or ask him to talk to them for you. After a while of doing all the trips their way, I finally told my SO that I wouldn't budge on a few certain details, and they finally agreed. They might respect you more if you show them what you're made of! I mean, his parents have even requested that when I move there, I get rid of some of my cats [I have 3!] since they are allergic and won't be able to visit our apartment that much. I said no way, no how. The nerve of parents these days, I swear! My mother would never act like that, so it just boggles my mind.

Good luck, and remember, one day they won't be able to boss him around anymore!

OMG they wanted you to get rid of some of your cats?! That's insane to me!I have two dogs (and getting a cat soon) and I can't imagine someone trying to make me get rid of my animals for them.. except my kids obviously.
I'm defienntly going to be standing my ground, I just, I'm not exactly sure how to do that from afar I don't really talk to them directly, only occasionally when they ask him to ask me questions. (like right now his mom is talking to me about crafting... through him. he's gotta be bored! XD) . I know it doesn't help that I am his first serious girlfriend so that kind of scares them a little I think.
We haven't met yet but I'm sure they are going to have some say in that as well. He is planning to come here this summer if he can get his car in time. ( Gahh I hope so!) But his parents have already asked him who's moving where. If he was going to end up moving here or if I was coming up there so they are kind of already getting nosey about that and i'm pretty sure once that point in our relationship rolls around they are going to try and have some control over that too. Where we live and all that.

[jenniferjade]

OMG they wanted you to get rid of some of your cats?! That's insane to me!I have two dogs (and getting a cat soon) and I can't imagine someone trying to make me get rid of my animals for them.. except my kids obviously.
I'm defienntly going to be standing my ground, I just, I'm not exactly sure how to do that from afar I don't really talk to them directly, only occasionally when they ask him to ask me questions. (like right now his mom is talking to me about crafting... through him. he's gotta be bored! XD) . I know it doesn't help that I am his first serious girlfriend so that kind of scares them a little I think.
We haven't met yet but I'm sure they are going to have some say in that as well. He is planning to come here this summer if he can get his car in time. ( Gahh I hope so!) But his parents have already asked him who's moving where. If he was going to end up moving here or if I was coming up there so they are kind of already getting nosey about that and i'm pretty sure once that point in our relationship rolls around they are going to try and have some control over that too. Where we live and all that.

I'm sure they will. Parents like that bother me a lot. Why have children if you are going to try and hold onto them forever? At some point, you have to let them live and learn and grow up on their own, without parental help. I wish my SO's parents were more laid-back, like my mother, but they aren't, so I have to deal with it. Once he gets a job and moves out, they won't be able to control him as much because he will be paying for everything instead of them doing it, so that will help a lot. However, I must say that they are a lot easier to deal with than they were at first. They have relaxed about a lot of things that they wouldn't have to begin with. So, maybe it just takes time!

[Razorbladekissed]

I'm sure they will. Parents like that bother me a lot. Why have children if you are going to try and hold onto them forever? At some point, you have to let them live and learn and grow up on their own, without parental help. I wish my SO's parents were more laid-back, like my mother, but they aren't, so I have to deal with it. Once he gets a job and moves out, they won't be able to control him as much because he will be paying for everything instead of them doing it, so that will help a lot. However, I must say that they are a lot easier to deal with than they were at first. They have relaxed about a lot of things that they wouldn't have to begin with. So, maybe it just takes time!

I hope my SO's parents relax a little bit over time. I would be fine with all the questions, and even possibly the controlling a little bit, but it's the privacy invasion that frustrates me the most. I mean, stealing his phone just to go through my texts? Opening his mail and reading HIS letters? That's just... horrible.

[jenniferjade]

I hope my SO's parents relax a little bit over time. I would be fine with all the questions, and even possibly the controlling a little bit, but it's the privacy invasion that frustrates me the most. I mean, stealing his phone just to go through my texts? Opening his mail and reading HIS letters? That's just... horrible.

I agree, that is pretty rash. An idea? Send them something in the mail at the same time. Maybe they will be more concerned with what you sent to them, than what you sent to their son. I send my SO's parents Christmas cards, and pretty much cards for every holiday. You could even send them a letter, saying how much you love their son and how grateful you are that you met him and how you can't wait to meet them and spend time with them. Make sure to mention that you know how important they are to your SO and how badly he wants you all to like one another.

OR, if they still try to open his mail as well, tell him to make them a suggestion. Such as, once he reads the letter, he will let them read it after him. And if you want to say something JUST to him, fold up an extra little piece of paper in there that he can grab when he reads it and pass the letter onto his parents without them seeing it. Obviously, I have been dealing with nosy parents for too long!

[Razorbladekissed]

I agree, that is pretty rash. An idea? Send them something in the mail at the same time. Maybe they will be more concerned with what you sent to them, than what you sent to their son. I send my SO's parents Christmas cards, and pretty much cards for every holiday. You could even send them a letter, saying how much you love their son and how grateful you are that you met him and how you can't wait to meet them and spend time with them. Make sure to mention that you know how important they are to your SO and how badly he wants you all to like one another.

OR, if they still try to open his mail as well, tell him to make them a suggestion. Such as, once he reads the letter, he will let them read it after him. And if you want to say something JUST to him, fold up an extra little piece of paper in there that he can grab when he reads it and pass the letter onto his parents without them seeing it. Obviously, I have been dealing with nosy parents for too long!

GREAT ideas! I will defienntly put those into effect. Sending them letters and such would be a good way to get to know them from way over here too since we don't talk any other way but through him. and it might help them get some of their questions out of the way and they would go straight to them instead of through him. I like that idea, just need to see how they and my SO would feel about it. And I think that he would still be upset letting them read the letters I send to him but I'll talk to him about it. I mean, it seems like they are going to read it anyways.

Thanks!

[digitalfever]

I think the more concerning this here is how their attitude will eventually affect your SO’s relationship with his parents. All the blame can’t be placed on the parents relationships are reciprocal and need to be maintained by two parties. Setting boundaries and rules is also the responsibility of the child.

Recognizing that his parents are simply humans with feelings like your own is a big step toward your understanding them. They might, for example, feel very insecure about their ability to rear him appropriately. Or, feeling weighed down by all the moral dangers and temptations he faces, they may tend to overreact to things at times. They also may be contending with physical, financial, or emotional hardships. Whatever their reasoning or excuse the simple fact is your boyfriend is as much as responsible for the way that he’s treated as are his parents for the way they treat him.

Some parents also smother or control their children well until their adult years. A measure of independence is fine, but don’t obtain it at the cost of your family ties. How can you set your relationship with your parents on a more adult footing, based on mutual understanding, tolerance, and respect? For one thing, respect earns respect.

[LilyChiba]

Here, if someone else goes through your mail no matter the relationship, it's illegal :/ Because of that very reason, invasion of privacy. But that does seem rather annoying at best of times with what they do and shouldn't. Sucks that not much can be done.