Heart-Breaking Jealousy

[MicheleN]

I never thought I was a jealous person but I have come to find that my jealousy can completely take hold of me to the point that when something comes up it will take me HOURS to come out of my “jealous shell.”

My “SO” has a coworker (who actually started working in his office the same exact month that we started talking) who he finds to be very attractive (he even admitted that he would ‘do’ her).
This woman sounds nice but I absolutely hate her.
She gets to see him every day, talk to him face-to-face and share the intimacy of CD interaction. He has even been to her house at night to watch a movie alone in her house.
He tells me all the time that they are “just friends” and he has no interest in an office relationship, but I also know that they are flirty with each other and that he is the only person in the office that she talks to or likes.

Today I found out that they text each other “all the time.”
I am sure it’s harmless - he told me that she sent him a picture of her food and he was jealous. But it really upset me that in addition to all the time they can spend in person- they interact with each other frequently through the ONLY medium that I can communicate with him. And the fact that he finds her to be so attractive drives me up the wall. I can’t help but think that all the time he spends texting me is divided into communicating with her as well. I know that when we talk while he is at work she is RIGHT THERE.
It really hurts.

How do you deal with jealousy long distance? Are there any tools that you use to combat jealousy in the relationship?

[Deleted]

That must be really hard! I happen to become jealous too when I find out my SO divides his chat time with someone else... I mean, I give myself 100% to him during those hours and I expect the same, although in my case I MUST deal with it because I know he's got a lot of friends here and he must keep contact with them too if he does not want to lose them, so I've gotten over it...and there are also time where he won't share his time with someone other than me so that makes me feel better.

But what I mean is I know what it feels like to have the "only" medium you can communicate with him shared with someone else. It's really uncomfortable.

I would totally be jealous of this girl and I really hope there is nothing very deep going on between them. I happened to be slightly jealous when we first started because the first friend my SO got at his new city was a girl and they spend a lot of time together and went out together as well. I just asked him in advance to keep some distance from her, not to stop talking, but just not to become "that" close. It worked for me... specially since I know he talks a lot of me when he's with her.

As I said I hope there is nothing really going on between them and I hope his attraction to her is only physical. When it becomes both physical and they become way too friendly...well that becomes uncomfortable. Perhaps call him or text him while at work every now and then so you "force" him to think of you even with this girl in front of him.

About how I deal with jealousy... well, I try to think of good moments with my SO, specially those where he's proven that he loves me and makes me feel special. That makes me remember that he chose me and that we have shared a lot as for him to go for someone else that easily.

[Tooki]

Talk to him about it. Telling him to get rid of her will be nigh impossible but you could try and get him to make more time for you?

Or let him know that the fact that he spends so much time with a woman makes you feel uncomfortable? If he truly cares he would understand.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Ahhh. I don't want to fuel any jealousy, or put any doubt in your mind, but I think there is a very good reason for your jealousy.
Your SO openly admits he finds this girl attractive, is open about being flirty with her, and yet... He goes to her house, alone, to watch a movie together, at night. That would drive me pretty much mental. I think you should talk to him about this. I think you should tell him to cool it a bit with this girl, because it's making you uncomfortable. In that situation, he may well get defensive and say something along the lines of 'don't you trust me!? Rarrr rarr rarr'. In which case, you can paint it from her point of view. She may be getting the wrong impression from this friendship.
If he's worried about her not having any friendly company, suggest that he/she introduce each other to friends that they might get on with? Make the contact they have part of a group thing rather than a one on one situation?
I think you have every right to be wary of this, I would be just as jealous as you are right now. He's behaving in a way that is really going to tempt your jealousy.

[Moon]

I am not a jealous person. At all. I usually roll my eyes and laugh at most of the jealousy posts on here and what people let themselves get bothered and upset by. That being said, what you wrote made me extremely uncomfortable. When there's works stuff, well, it's work, deal with it, but once that kind of "friendship" is taken outside of work, nothing good can come of it. He admitted he was attracted to her, yet they text all the time, and he goes to her house at night to watch a movie? Uh uh, no way, sorry, that is completely unacceptable.

I'm really, really sorry to say this but if that relationship is allowed to continue, he is going to end up with her, in one way or another. He has to work with her, but he does not have to text or spend a minute afterwards. He's going to give you the whole "What? I can't have friends now??", "She's just my friend", "You're crazy" type of stuff, but too bad. I honestly think if he doesn't end this "friendship" he's going to go too far.

I'm a big believer in men and women being able to be friends, but it's not like she's an old friend of his he sees occasionally, she's a new friend that he's attracted to, and I'm willing to bet she's more than attracted to him. He's crossing the line on what's appropriate here, if you want to save your relationship, you've got to put your foot down and do something about it NOW. I'm sorry sweetie, I hope this turns out OK

[kat4301]

Just wanted to say you are not alone in becoming more jealous when it comes to LDR. Its an unnatural situation where you love someone that you don't see and you don't see favor you in everyday situations. Might help to remind your SO how much more you need to be reminded that you are so important and do the same for him.

[ChibiFelicia]

I'd have to agree with moon on this one. He's bang out of order.

As to how i deal with jealousy? I've never been the jealous type but i've also not been in a ldr until now. My jealousy metre did go up with jeff but i just tell him whats the issue. He works with me and understands. He actually holds the view that he shouldnt have female friends outside of work. He doesnt push this view on me as most of my friends are male and it doesnt bother him.

[Rugger]

I completely agree with Moon on this one. She's not an old friend he's known all his life, she is a new friend whom he is admittedly attracted to.

You need to have a talk with him about her. He's clearly crossing a line here and that is NOT okay.

[Dauntedpoet]

I am not a jealous person. At all. I usually roll my eyes and laugh at most of the jealousy posts on here and what people let themselves get bothered and upset by. That being said, what you wrote made me extremely uncomfortable. When there's works stuff, well, it's work, deal with it, but once that kind of "friendship" is taken outside of work, nothing good can come of it. He admitted he was attracted to her, yet they text all the time, and he goes to her house at night to watch a movie? Uh uh, no way, sorry, that is completely unacceptable.

I'm really, really sorry to say this but if that relationship is allowed to continue, he is going to end up with her, in one way or another. He has to work with her, but he does not have to text or spend a minute afterwards. He's going to give you the whole "What? I can't have friends now??", "She's just my friend", "You're crazy" type of stuff, but too bad. I honestly think if he doesn't end this "friendship" he's going to go too far.

I'm a big believer in men and women being able to be friends, but it's not like she's an old friend of his he sees occasionally, she's a new friend that he's attracted to, and I'm willing to bet she's more than attracted to him. He's crossing the line on what's appropriate here, if you want to save your relationship, you've got to put your foot down and do something about it NOW. I'm sorry sweetie, I hope this turns out OK

This absolutely!

[Bethypoo]

Talk to him about it. Telling him to get rid of her will be nigh impossible but you could try and get him to make more time for you?

Or let him know that the fact that he spends so much time with a woman makes you feel uncomfortable? If he truly cares he would understand.

Yea, what tooki said is really the best way to go about it. I mean don't get me wrong, I wouldn't feel to go about it. Is there any reason that in reality that you should be worried?

If not, then just talk to him. Be venerable and let him know you feel threatened. But if there is no reason to not trust him, then dont jump to any conclusions. But dont turn a blind eye either!

Good luck!

[kiara_silver]

I think you should talk to him about it, this is to far and seems much more then friends. Theres attraction, and spending one on one alone time together. Nah uh.

Jealousy is hard, im trying to not care about the little things any more. Hes always open and honest and has never given me any reason to doubt him So knowing this i know its all in my head. So I have to bite my tongue and push it out of my mind... but yeah sometimes i can be petty.... I like to think im okay though. I never forbid him nor would i, and i talk to him about the serious things that bug me, but yeah poor him. He thinks he knows it all but so many times i get in these silly worry moods, but after a few hours it goes away.....lol i can be a nut.

[Malaga]

He actually admitted in front of you that he would "do" her? OMG what a douche! What does he expect then? That you'll be cool about this?
Put a foot down and ask him to stop this right now, or face losing you.

[Dziubka]

I agree 100% with Moon on this one.

I opened this thread expecting another post about "them b*tches on facebook writing on his wall" and roll my eyes (ok there I said it).
But this is different. You're not being overly jealous or insecure, what your boyfriend's doing is really inappropriate.
Why does he even tell you that he'd "do her"? Pointing out good looking people, ok, but telling your SO you'd do someone else? For me, that would be very disrespectful.
He has no interest in an office relationship? So if she didn't work with him, he'd go for it? Flash news: He *is* already in a relationship, he shouldn't have interest in any other relationship whatsoever.
He goes to her house to watch a movie? Only the two of them?
I don't know about other people, but in my world "dvd night" or "watching movies together" is pretty unambiguous - and uh movies are not really a big part of it.

Imho your jealousy is justified and you should tell him that you're not ok with this.

[Zapookie]

I agree with everyone else, you need to speak to him and draw the line. I can't believe he told you he would "do" her. The way he is acting is not like a person who is in a relationship. If he hasn't slept with her already, he is going to if it doesn't stop soon.

[Engel]

I am not a jealous person. At all. I usually roll my eyes and laugh at most of the jealousy posts on here and what people let themselves get bothered and upset by. That being said, what you wrote made me extremely uncomfortable. When there's works stuff, well, it's work, deal with it, but once that kind of "friendship" is taken outside of work, nothing good can come of it. He admitted he was attracted to her, yet they text all the time, and he goes to her house at night to watch a movie? Uh uh, no way, sorry, that is completely unacceptable.

I'm really, really sorry to say this but if that relationship is allowed to continue, he is going to end up with her, in one way or another. He has to work with her, but he does not have to text or spend a minute afterwards. He's going to give you the whole "What? I can't have friends now??", "She's just my friend", "You're crazy" type of stuff, but too bad. I honestly think if he doesn't end this "friendship" he's going to go too far.

I'm a big believer in men and women being able to be friends, but it's not like she's an old friend of his he sees occasionally, she's a new friend that he's attracted to, and I'm willing to bet she's more than attracted to him. He's crossing the line on what's appropriate here, if you want to save your relationship, you've got to put your foot down and do something about it NOW. I'm sorry sweetie, I hope this turns out OK

i agree with moon. i would never accept THAT.

also, have you seen each other in person? with each frequency do you have visits, if yes?

---------- Post added at 03:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:27 PM ----------

He actually admitted in front of you that he would "do" her? OMG what a douche! What does he expect then? That you'll be cool about this?
Put a foot down and ask him to stop this right now, or face losing you.

that.