Just looking for some advice please =)

[Joshmiller]

Hi everyone, and thanks for stopping by to read this. I will make it as short and to the point as possible.
So long story short, I met this girl online about a year ago now. We are both in our early 20’s (24). I’ve had girlfriends at home before of course but I’ve never felt this way about a person before. We have not met yet. And even not meting face to face yet, I have never felt like I love and care about someone so much. A lot of people say it’s dumb, impossible to care so much about someone you’ve never really met. I disagree. Just because were not able to touch each other every day doesn’t mean we don’t know each other. Right?.

So here are some things that are on my mind. First thing that kind of bothers me is that I send her photos of me with friends quite often, because I want her to fell like she is a part of my life. She loves getting them and says oh how cute I am. Lol. But she never sends me any; I have seen a photo of her when we first started talking before we were dating. And that’s the only one I have seen of her, while I send her some once or twice a month. I just don’t understand. I’ve ask once if she could send more, because I do miss her and It would be nice to just be able to look at a photo of her. That would help me fill the void of not being with her every day. She never says that she won’t but she just kind of says she doesn’t like the way she looks, but I think she’s beautiful and she just kind of shrugs the whole thing off. I do understand she could be nervous about this. That’s what I tell myself anyways. I feel like I’m making an excuse for her. I need a lady’s prospective on this. To help me understand what she may be feeling about that subject.

Also we spend about 8 hours talking on the phone On the weekend, and 3-4 hours on week days .So I do feel like I know a lot about her, and I love it all. We have a blast just talking about silly things and the important things too. We have the same views on family and what type of person we are/want to be with .She is the most caring person I’ve ever met. And I can truly say I love her with all of my heart and she is the one I want to be with. And she says the same about me. So some of you at this point may be thinking well why haven’t you meet her yet? We are booth in college, And are currently living at home. She is almost 10 hours away as well. She also has a lot going on at home right now (Can’t find a job no money.) Basically she’s broke. I am currently working and saving up money to be able to go see her. But she also says she doesn’t feel right for me to be the one to pay for all of this. (Gas, Room, etc.) I brought up the idea that I could come see her in a few weeks, spend a few days with her and just have fun. She said she didn’t want to Because she didn’t have any money and it wasn’t right for me to have to pay for it all. This kind of hurt my feelings. At some point, if this is going to work we have to meet. And it shouldn’t matter who pays for it as long as were together. She wants to do her part as well. She has never had it easy growing up and don’t take handouts. One of the things I admire about her.

We never miss a phone call Unless she is at school of course. But I don’t think she is hiding anything or lying. After talking this much over a year, if she was hiding something I would think it would come out. Lies have a way of doing that. Also I have talked with her brother a few times over “Chat” and he seems pretty cool too. I know I’m rambling here I just need some advice/help. I’m starting to feel like this is just too much. I love her, I want to be with her but also I’m worried about the photo thing and when I offer to come visit and was shot down. And something I forgot and left out… We both agreed that when we do meet, it will be a public place, with people around. This is not a problem, I want her to feel safe and protected. I think that’s a smart idea for both of us. Also we agreed that when we meet; if it goes as well as bout of us think it wills that I will be moving to FL, which is where she lives so that we can be together.

I guess what I’m asking has anyone else been into something like this. And how did you handle it. I’m sorry about the rant I just need some help and advice. How long should I wait to meet her before I just let go and give up? . I know LDR’s are hard, but in my mind she is worth it. We don’t fight over anything and if she loves me as much as she says she does I think everything is going to be fine. We just have to get the money worked out to make it happen, but still worried. Any incite would really help, thanks!.

[Belle]

So I've never been in a situation like this but ill put my 2 cents in anyway. I agree with you and don't think that she is lying or trying to hide anything. You speak a lot and often and have gotten to know each other for a while. Honestly I think this may just be coming from her insecurities. She seems anxious and fearful that you're opinions may change once you see her or are together. Maybe pushing her to send you more pictures may not be a good idea. Talk to her about her insecurities without being too blunt. Ex. as about her favorite thing to do as a kid. Did she have lots of friends? Did she love to wear lots of dresses and make up? I know this may sound random but you can gauge how social she was, and if she liked dressing up and receiving some attention. You can also ask her about her insecurities and what she likes best and worse about herself.
Every relationship requires some CD time, in my opinion. Meeting is a big part of the journey towards a life together and I don't think you should compromise on that. I also don't think you should give up till you know what the problems is.

[Joshmiller]

Thanks Belle.
I'm not trying to push for photos, I would just like to have one or two to sit on my desk. But i have only ask once, and don't plan on doing it again unless for some reason she brings it up.
My big problem is, I miss her. Some days are hard, I feel so sick to my stomach it just sucks. She has told me before that she don't want to lose me and it would be sad if she did before we even got to meet. She has told me she is worried about that because she is trying to find work so that we can meet. and is scared that i will get tired of waiting for her to get a job and give up on the relationship. This is not true and i have told her this,For me She is the best. She is what i want and where i want to be. And we all know with not a lot of work experience right now it's very hard to find a job. But at some point, we can't wait forever. It really did hurt my feelings when i ask if i could come spend a few days with her and was shot down. I understand the reason to a point, But i have the money to do it. So it just kind of worries me. And i like your advice, i think next time were playing Questions i'll use some of the ones you mentioned.

[Belle]

Np, I really hope that it helps you find out a little more about why she is so hesitant. It sounds like you really love her so I hope that It all works out and you are able to meet her soon. I know how hard it can be to get a job, and how strange it feels to let the other person take care of all the financial burden. I wish her the best of luck in finding a job and the best of luck to you in getting to meet her soon.

[kiara_silver]

For me, my relationship started online as well, but it took two years for us to me. Part of that was because we were young, had my 19th birthday when he was here. So it does take awhile to meet. For the pictures, if she's shy I understand that, but you really only have 1? Hmm I would want more pics, but that's just me. Have you guys ever video chatted or made a video message for each other or could you?
As for the visits, money is a touchy subject, I know I felt bad that he paid for everything, still do. And its hard to accept sometimes. I would just share your point of view how its worth it to you and the memories made will be worth more then the money spent. Having a meeting is important, but you cant force or rush someone. But talking about a date, planning, just keep bringing up your point of view.

[Joshmiller]

@Belle, Thanks! I do care about her very very much!
@Kiara, Yes, i only have 1. Which i don't even have anymore because of a computer problem. I did send her a video from my phone once when i was bored. She said she loved it and still talks about watching it. This is what i just don't understand. Why does she not want to give me that joy, of when I'm down and missing her i cant see a photo or a video of her. Like i said when i said something about it she just said she didn't like the way she looked and kind of just changed the subject. Never said she would send one or not send one. I don't like the way i look but that didn't stop me. I just don't get that. Still don't. Never any webcam or anything. We spend a lot of time finding an online game to play together while were hanging out. Like checkers online. we got a lot of hours logged on that! lol. And a question for you. How did you deal with the 2 years leading up to it? all the feelings that come over you waiting for something you really, really want to happen?

[Zephii]

You need to break your posts up into paragraphs. A wall of text like that is very hard to read and you'll find not as many people will respond to your threads because of it

I feel her on this one. I never wanted to send Obi photos when we first started. *Thinks back* in the first four years (before we met in person) I sent him photos maybe five times. He tired to make me understand why it was important, but I just didn't get it. I knew I hated being in front of a camera, and I thought I'd seem like a bad person if I offered photos out of the blue (hah, I was a strange girl.) He always had to push me to get them.
Likely, it has nothing to do with you.

Perhaps you can find a reason in her area to visit, so the pressure isn't on her as much?

[Joshmiller]

Zephii, I went back and done a edit to the post. I really suck at writing. lol.
OBI photos? Not really sure what that is. Sorry. Thanks for shedding some light on the photo thing. I don't want to push, As I'm not a pushy person. Plus i don't want to come off as a jerk or anything. But your post made me feel better about it for sure. And great idea about find some reason to visit the area, as i am a huge race fan this weekend would of been great (Daytona 500). I've read a lot about how LDR don't work out and always end bad. I never believed that. And all of you really help to show that it may take some work but the ones that do work out are worth it. And i know she is worth it!.

Anyone else feel free to shed some light! =)

[Zephii]

Sorry for the confusion Obi is my husband, who I never used to send photos to!

LDRs can and do work Welcome to the forums.

[kiara_silver]

Maybe ask for a photo as a b-day gift or something. I know I used valentines as a excuse to get a handwritten letter, and then used Christmas to get one of his shirts lol Have you guys ever sent anything to each other? If she's not keen on taking pictures a personal item can help when your missing. For me i go and re-read his letters he sent me when im feeling really down. Or I'll wear his shirt to feel closer. Things like this helps.
Maybe offer to buy her a webcam? I got mine for 20 bucks. Can get and then skype, Skype is free.

As far as waiting. That was hard. The first year flew by, and it was still new, and getting to know each other. So it helped make time go by fast, he was the one working, I had no job, plus i knew there was no way I could visit him first. My parents would have said no, and i was to.... well just I wouldn't go against them. Plus no money. My SO lives in the UK and im over here in the US. So options for us was hard. He wanted to come sooner originally but plans got cancelled. I had my fears of will we be able to meet. But I knew our love was real, these feelings are strong, either way were not letting go. So just taking it one day at a time. And then one day, he asked me to go on camera, asked me how does June sound? I asked him is this a possibility? He replied with how about a reality. He had booked his ticket. Was amazing exciting, i cried lol But very much worth the wait. And I know I could have made it through longer if I had to. But we talked about meeting constantly. Do you guys talk about this often? What you would do when together, what you want to do together, ect?

[Joshmiller]

Kiara, I think you hit it spot on when you said " I had my fears of will we be able to meet". I think that's a lot of what I'm feeling. And we do talk about what were going to do when we do meet, even have a place picked out to spend a few days before i meet her grandparents. (she lives with them). The whole idea of this is we want to be able to be our self's with each other. I could stay there with them for free but i can't be me with her grandparents on top of us the whole time and we both agree that were both going to act different around each other with family around. It's just respectful. Thanks for all the help everyone!

[kiara_silver]

I live with my grandma, but when he came down to visit I knew I had to please my family. As far as they had to meet him... My family wanted to be apart of this. My first boyfriend, and so was new to them, So for the first week of his time here was spent at my parents house. He stayed at a hotel, and would come over for the day. Just because they didn't know him and didn't feel comfortable with him spending the night with me, even if they were all there and we would be in separate rooms. Back home at my place my grandma and aunt and family took a likeing to him, things went easy. Time just flys by. So if you visit, I recommend trying for at least a week long. And have money to stay at a hotel the whole time, just in case.

I would be patient with her, online relationships are hard. And she has her insecurities and worries too. She may be shy, and nervous. I know I was, but once you meet those worries go away. Have you asked her when she wants to meet? Does she want to pay for your trip?? If you visit her and stay at a hotel, what does she feel bad for? Maybe really fully discussing everything again. Communication is key.

[brazil]

LOL, the idea of meeting in a public place is good.

I remember before meeting my girl this January that I had this irrational fear of her being a serial killer or not who she really was. I was SURE she was real and honest, but it was just an irrational fear that there was a chance she was not what she'd been for the 3 years of talking online.

Anyway, that's not just me, she was also scared in the back of her head. But anyway, she knocked on the door to my hotel room where I was waiting by myself. Everything worked out for us and it was even better thatn we both expected.

After talking for so long online and on the phone, we felt just a little awkward and that was before the first kiss. After it, everything went just like on the phone (long conversations about just anything), but better, because we were with each other.

That was my experience, now Josh, does your girl know about this forum? You should introduce her to it, reading about other people's experience may seem silly but it helps and even gives us ideas.
Also, about the money issue, tell her if you're together for the long haul, she'll have the rest of her life to pay for things for you (but, of course, don't remind her of that in the future, LOL). Whenever I want to give money to my girlfriend, I tell her that. I know how it feels, we just want to be with them so much that money is the least of the problems. Let her kinow that. Let her know you've saved your money thinking of her and you can always save more (of course, if it's true. If you don't feel like this, don't tell her that). But if I read and understood you enough, I'm pretty sure you feel this way.

[Brieasaurus]

I agree with what everyone else has suggested. Asking for pictures/personal items as holiday gifts, try going out and buying her a webcam, etc. It took my SO and I a year to meet and believe me, it was tough. The first few months we weren't even able to skype with each other so I can understand how frustrating that can be. Like her, at first I had sent my SO one or two pictures of myself but I always nervous to send some until we started skyping all the time and he started to see me at my worse (just waking up haha) and still loved me the same. So hopefully if you get the webcam issue figured out, things will flow more smoothly.

Just as a side note though, I do think it's a little sketchy. It's probably just a case of nerves on her side, but I hope you realize that it could possibly be something more than that. It's always possible that she may not be who you think she really is. I know you talk to her a lot and think that you would know whether or not she's lying, but there are some people that are good at lying. I'd suggest watching the movie Catfish, pretty crazy what one lady can lead people to believing she is. That being said, I'd probably be a little more insistent on finding out the main reasons that she doesn't want a visit or to show you herself. Being shy and nervous are excusable reasons but if you guys are going to be together, she needs to get over them in order to be a strong couple with you. I'm sorry for being the one that said this but I'd feel bad if you moved down to her and then found out that she wasn't what she claimed to be. :/

[kiara_silver]

Want to add, I would go for getting webcams before meeting. Besides the money worry, she might just be really shy and self concious of you seeing her in person. It's silly, but this is a silly issue with us girls. Or maybe in my part, I was worried when he came he wouldn't like what he saw. But having webcams, and seeing him and him seeing me, and the little compliments and reassurance from him. That helped a ton and was a confidence booster. Does she have a FB? No other picture site or personal site? Do you guys have each others addresses? Some other source of communication other then phones and emails? Something more personal?