Break to find herself

[alge5281]

Ive been dating a girl for 9 months now and we are 1,500 miles apart. we had 3 months together before we started our first year of college. I made a trip to see her the other weekend and she had been acting a bit unusual. I asked her if anything was wrong and she said she needed a break. During the first semester she had her lowest ever grades which to me seems normal for a first semester of college. She also did not go out and wasnt very social because she spent her time missing me or talking to me. Therefore she felt she was behind socially. She wants to take a break for a month to "find herself". She thinks that she didnt have a good first semester because she was upset and homesick and thinks dating someone from home was part of the reason. She had been in school for 2nd semester a few weeks before this visit. she had begun to be more social and focus on her school work more. when I left we were both upset and in tears. we talked a little bit the next few days but there was still some flirting and we realized we needed to talk as friends for this break to work. more recently she explained that she needs to be carefree so we cant have any emotional talk.we have barely talked the past few days. In 3 weeks we are talking again about being friends or getting back together. Before then she has a few big party weekends. She was not a drinker before college and has become more of a drinker recently. I was her first boyfriend and one of her first real hooks up as well.During our break we are no long exclusive but she says she is not emotionally ready to be with anyone else. we are no longer exclusive because that completely frees her from our relationship. to me the only difference between friends and dating in long distance is that people who are dating are exclusive, flirt, talk more emotionaly and more often. Im worried that her need to be carefree and playing catch up socially may cause her to drink too much and something bad could happen to her or she could hook up with another guy. she has never had a random hook up before. my question is, how do i respect her space and be a good friend during this break? How do i get past the fear that something bad may happen these next few weekends? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Is it possible to get back together after the break?

Thanks for the advice

[usmcgirl]

As a girl, I've had this. I just need... space. Sort of explore if what I'm chasing is what I want. I'm going to be straight with you - the majority of couples who take breaks don't get back together. I'm sorry to say that, but it's what I've seen. The fear that something bad may happen is simply your love for her bleeding over. You're worried because you love her. It's simple. Being a good friend is simple as well. Be there for her, don't pry, tell her if she needs to talk, you're there no matter what (or who) it's about. Despite what I said earlier, it IS possible to get back together after a break. If what y'all have is true, you will. It's like that phrase "If you love something let it go. If it comes back, it was always yours. If it doesn't, it never was." Stay strong. Everything will work out.

[alge5281]

As for the fear, that is exactly the reasoning i have come up with
as for getting back together, thanks for the advice, obviously i want to think its still possible but understand the truth that it may not happen. I will just have to move on and remember all the good times and hope the friendship works out

[usmcgirl]

Exactly. You've obviously got a good head. Just give her space but if I were you, I'd reassure her that you'll be waiting if she wants to get back together. Make sure she knows you're not leaving, that you'll be there. (if you will be, that is.) This may be a trust issue she has, testing you to see if you'll stick around.
If you need to talk or whatever, PM me. My inbox is always open

[alge5281]

Thanks a lot. You're a huge help. my biggest question that i forgot to ask is how much should i talk to her or make the effort to talk to her?

[usmcgirl]

No problem!
That depends on her... If it were me, I wouldn't want him to talk to me a lot because obviously, I don't know if I still love him but he loves me so I'd be trying to censor what I talk about so as not to offend him and that would stress me out.. yeah, it'd get messy. Ask her straight out. Just be like "How much, if at all, do you want to talk while you're taking a break. I want to give you your space but I don't want to lose full contact either, unless that's what you want." Make sure you put the emphasis on her needs, because that's what this break is about. You know? If you have any other questions, let me know. I'm glad to be of help!

[alge5281]

I have asked and since then we have barely talked because shes not ready or doesnt want to. were taking it day by day but it seems like it will just be a short convo a day

[usmcgirl]

Well, it's a start, at least. Don't worry. Things have a way of working themselves out.

[thompsongazelle1]

i'm in this same exact situation.. except i'm the girl at college. this is literally my situation.

i've been dating my SO for a year and a half, but i feel like i'm losing it.. i'm in a sorority now and he lives at home, which is in michigan and i'm in ohio. he absolutely hates my family, and my family doesn't like him. (oh yeah, and he's older than me by about 10 years). and all he hangs out with is girls. we got into a really bad fight last weekend and almost broke up over it.. but it still stings. he's been making bad remarks about my family and gets mad whenever i'm around guys. i could be hanging around with a hundred girls and one single guy, and he'll be pissed. he also calls me things like "stupid" "dummy" or even "dumbass."

then i met this mutual friend of one of my high school friends and he's just wonderful. he's sweet, caring, and makes me feel good about myself, which my SO doesn't do since we are fighting. this new guy is 20, which is around my age, and i feel like i'm being held back from my age group because i'm dating an older guy. my friends say that my SO doesn't treat me right, and now i'm starting to see it.

i'm thinking about taking a break with him, and just be single for a while. i can't handle fighting or him getting bitter every single time i step out of my residence hall. i just need some advice myself..

[alge5281]

i'm in a sorority now and he lives at home, he absolutely hates my family, and my family doesn't like him. (oh yeah, and he's older than me by about 10 years). and all he hangs out with is girls. we got into a really bad fight last weekend and almost broke up over it.. but it still stings. he's been making bad remarks about my family and gets mad whenever i'm around guys. i could be hanging around with a hundred girls and one single guy, and he'll be pissed. he also calls me things like "stupid" "dummy" or even "dumbass."

.

seems to me like he doesnt deserve you. 29y/o living at home and doesnt get along with your family and treats you badly. there is no future there.

[thompsongazelle1]

when i say lives at home, i mean that he lives back where i live, not where i am. he has his own place and everything

[Rugger]

i'm in this same exact situation.. except i'm the girl at college. this is literally my situation.

i've been dating my SO for a year and a half, but i feel like i'm losing it.. i'm in a sorority now and he lives at home, which is in michigan and i'm in ohio. he absolutely hates my family, and my family doesn't like him. (oh yeah, and he's older than me by about 10 years). and all he hangs out with is girls. we got into a really bad fight last weekend and almost broke up over it.. but it still stings. he's been making bad remarks about my family and gets mad whenever i'm around guys. i could be hanging around with a hundred girls and one single guy, and he'll be pissed. he also calls me things like "stupid" "dummy" or even "dumbass."

then i met this mutual friend of one of my high school friends and he's just wonderful. he's sweet, caring, and makes me feel good about myself, which my SO doesn't do since we are fighting. this new guy is 20, which is around my age, and i feel like i'm being held back from my age group because i'm dating an older guy. my friends say that my SO doesn't treat me right, and now i'm starting to see it.

i'm thinking about taking a break with him, and just be single for a while. i can't handle fighting or him getting bitter every single time i step out of my residence hall. i just need some advice myself..

Say hello to the start of emotional abuse. NO ONE should talk to you like that, let alone the man that is supposed to love you. He doesn't treat you right at all. You need someone who respects you ( and your family), not someone who is going to control and belittle you. A break-up seems in order, before it goes any further.

OP, I would give her her space. Let her be the one who initiate the conversations, that way she can't say you've been breaking into her space. AT the end of the month, talk to her and see whats up. Either she's going to want to get back together or she's not. Don't let her string you along, because you'll only get hurt.

[alge5281]

anyone else?

[laninani]

I'm going though a similar situation. Except he's the one who wants a break.

I've been in several relationships before him. So I know I want to stay with him. But he's never been in a relationship, he's never had a girlfriend before. I was his first.

A couple months ago he decided that he needed "some space". So we were in an open relationship in a while. Then he decided that he wanted to "leave me". I took this as a break up.

I tried to get over him, only to find that no matter what I do, my heart won't let him go. I told him how I tried to get over him, because I had still been talking to him. He was hurt because apparently him leaving me wasn't because he didn't love me anymore. I'm not sure how he feels about me and all. It hurts to be apart (physically and emotionally), yet he knows he wants to keep the distance (emotionally).

I can't seem to turn to anyone for advice because no one really believes in us. It's hard to be in a LDR when everyone around me doesn't believe LDR can work. But thankfully I have one friend who believes.

He told me to just give him all the space he needs, if he pushes away, let him push. Just sit there and wait patiently. He suggested that I write him letters everyday (though I think that's a lot) to let him know I'm still waiting for him. But I think for everyone it's different. Personally, I think 1-3 times a week is good.

The biggest thing is to establish the rule that under no circumstances is she allowed to talk to you about anyone she might POSSIBLY get with. I established that with my guy because I've come to accept the fact that he might sleep with someone else or get with someone else. But I don't want him to EVER tell me about it because I know how much it'll hurt and how much it'll make me doubt his love and lose the hope we need to survive the distance and time apart. So instead, I've established that rule, so that I can stay strong and keep faith that he'll come back to me one day.

I think this need for a break this is normal and it's good for people who've never been in a relationship. When I was in my previous non-LDR with a boy, I went through similar situation where we both wanted a break and explore. We were open, but I did some exploring and he did not. The fact that he did not made all the difference because I saw it as..."Well, how does he know I'm the one for him if he's never been with anyone else? How can he be sure?" I explored away and saw my relationship from a different light, only to find that he wasn't the guy for me and our relationship wasn't healthy and that I couldn't be happy with him.

Think of it as a time for her to explore and see if she really thinks you're the one for her. Only by seeing what options are out there can one really understand what they really want and really desire in their heart. We do this as college students, leaving our parents' homes (most of the time) to find ourselves, only (most of the time) to come back to them and realize that we really love our parents. Love between SOs is similar in that manner.

I believe it's true that if you really love someone, you'll (learn) let them go and let them be free. If they love you back, they'll come back to you and/or continue to stay by yours side. Simple friends are the same way.

For now, I think it's best to keep hope, but at the same time move on and learn to be happy without. This stemming from one of my other beliefs that a happy, healthy relationship stems from the coming together of two individuals who know they can live without each other and be whole and happy, but they choose not to live without each other because of their love.

I'm taking this time apart from my love, who I think is the one for me, for his sake and for mine:

For him to explore and know for a fact that he really wants to be with me.
For me to find myself again as to not be dependent on him,
For me to learn to be my own person and not let another person define who I am;
For me to become a better me, someone I know he could be proud to call his wife one day.
If not him, then another who will I can trust to love me till the end of time.