Influenced by...

[lala]

You know I thought lot about my behaviour (especially towards my SO) and asked myself why I sometimes act like I act. I know that we and our lives are constantly influenced by the society, the media and many other factors..
Before my SO I have never been in a relationship before.. and never experienced giving and receiving love and these other wonderful feelings (except from my family of course)..
But I saw other couples interacting and what they did "wrong" and "right" in their relationships. I also got influenced by the relationship of my parents. They have some serious problems and there is a lot of lying and trust breaking and of course argues. But I also spent time with reading articles and guides about relationships and what women should do and should not, what men wants, how to be the perfect girlfriend, what never to aks a man (eg. What are you thinking?- they say that's a no go)..and many others. I thought that with reading this stuff and remember the things I analyzed I would be the relationship expert lol

When this started with my SO I didn't think about all this, but in some situations where I would normally be mad or hurt I tried to calm down and act different. I'm not sure if I got soo much influenced by all these that I can't be myself. Maybe I'm also afraid of doing all those things the articles and guide books say not to do and therefore loose my SO. But the funny thing was that my SO asked me a few times the question "What are you thinking right now..?" (which men are reputed to hate). I found that nice from him cause it showed me that he cares.. He also told me where he would like to travel one day together with me if I come back.. but I reacted soo strange lol and asked him why I should come back again, because that's not my plan.. well it was not really nice. I think I reacted like this because I "learned" that men don't like to talk about feelings and talk about the future, especially so early in the relationship.

I just have the feeling that I really got influences by other people and the media that I don't really know what I want and that I am afraid of being myself.

Do you have a similar feeling that you were influenced so much by something or someone?

[kiara_silver]

I get what your saying. For me I was raised with certain things being told and what's expected of me by my parents/family. I've seen past relationships and what i want and didn't want, but when your actually in a relationship it's different. About not being the clingy girlfriend, giving space, not prying, hiding insecurities. My mom always says don't give in to all his wants because then when you get together you'll be a push over basically. Or about saving myself for marriage if i don't im impure now. Or how im not supposed to lean on no man and be able to support myself first, Or just a lot of things. For me im happy being able to please my man, and i don't mind doing what he wants, because he wants to make me happy and the things he loves and is into i dont mind supporting and finding interest in it too. But then i get questioned by others outside my relationship and so at times I struggle with how im supposed to feel. I think its hard to find yourself, and when your shown and taught that things are supposed to be this way, it makes it hard to find your own way. But as time passes im realizing its not about anyone outside the relationship, and the media doesn't know anything about "your" relationship, and family is important but they can't make your decisions. You have to be happy. And the one you love, if he/she loves you, will accept you flaws and all. It's okay to just be yourself.

[Babypuppy21]

What a question.. I’ll give it a shot at answering. Prior to meeting my SO love was not on my agenda I grew up in a single parent household from the age of 4, thanks to me walking in my parent’s room with my mom behind me to find a naked woman in their bed. Something that I’ll remember for a long time..anyway. That experience left me a bit jaded when it comes to love and marriage for a while I didn’t think it was possible. Then I had the example of my grandparents who were together for 50+ years before my grandfather died almost three years ago.
With all that before me.. meeting my SO really changed my life and I’m grateful to him for so many things but for a while I fought the feelings I felt for him because of not seeing the best relationships in my own home. I’ve learned though that you can use negative experiences to shape who you want to be as a person.
I’m not sure whether I answered the question or not..

---------- Post added at 09:09 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:09 PM ----------

What a question.. I’ll give it a shot at answering. Prior to meeting my SO love was not on my agenda I grew up in a single parent household from the age of 4, thanks to me walking in my parent’s room with my mom behind me to find a naked woman in their bed. Something that I’ll remember for a long time..anyway. That experience left me a bit jaded when it comes to love and marriage for a while I didn’t think it was possible. Then I had the example of my grandparents who were together for 50+ years before my grandfather died almost three years ago.
With all that before me.. meeting my SO really changed my life and I’m grateful to him for so many things but for a while I fought the feelings I felt for him because of not seeing the best relationships in my own home. I’ve learned though that you can use negative experiences to shape who you want to be as a person.
I’m not sure whether I answered the question or not..

[lala]

both of your answers are great and related to the question
I always wanted to be a strong women who is independant and don't need a man.. because of my mum cause she wasn't. but on the other side I want to be a good cook for my children and husband one day, like my mom is..
It's really fascinating how we get influenced by situations, our past and people but some just don't want to think about it or don't see it- but I think that's important to learn about our selfes...

[CanadianGirl]

My parents' marriage was arranged (we're South Asian), and while they cared about each other deeply, I never really saw them being affectionate to each other. I know my mother would be happy to arrange my marriage in a similar way, I'd meet men of her picking and if I consented...that would be it.

Obviously, I'm not okay with that and I never was. I was determined to find actual love, but it wasn't until my first relationship (to my SO) that I realized I had to learn to show him how I felt. I grew up an awkward tomboy, and always had this nagging feeling that I wouldn't know how to "be a girlfriend". It was actually a little difficult at the start, but it's much easier now.

[jenniferjade]

I think it's ridiculous that women are taught to 'cater to men' and treat them a certain way. They're adults, and they should be mature, just like we are. Yes, it's true that treating your SO differently than other men should be expected, but what not to ask a man? How to be the perfect girlfriend? No one is perfect and no one should try to be perfect. Your SO should love you for you, whether you're angry, depressed, talkative, or bold. If you ask him a question, he should answer it and answer it honestly. Men are not special. They are equal to us. We can basically do the same things as them.

My SO has a hard time dealing with me, I'm sure. I'm very outspoken, and I will tell him if I think he is being ridiculous, or if I think something he says isn't very smart. I do the same thing with other people, but he gets the brunt of it because I talk to him the most. I will say that he does handle me quite well. He has learned to go with the flow and explain himself to me instead of just getting angry over something I said. What I'm trying to say is: BE YOURSELF. Do not keep your feelings, questions, concerns, wants, needs or fears inside. Talk to him about all of it, and I'm sure he will accept you. If he isn't behaving how you expected a normal man to behave, then there you go. He obviously cares about what you think.

Social media, celebrities, etc. do influence the way we all think, and that's unfortunate. My advice though? Do not listen to what people say in articles, or guides, and DO NOT let other couples, or your parents influence you either. If you do, you are under the assumption that all men and women are the same, that every relationship is the same, and that the same solution will solve every problem. Obviously, that's not the case. Every person is unique, every relationship is different. Advice from an article may work for one couple, and not work for ten others. You just never know. So, trust your gut. Be yourself. Do what your mind and heart tell you. Don't talk to your SO a certain way just because a guide book told you to. Men are just as capable of adapting to situations and people as we are, so there's no need for you to change the way you act in order to be "the perfect girlfriend".

[lala]

but don't you think that you personally got influenced by something or someone? Maybe not a guide book but threw other relationships maybe from friends?

[jenniferjade]

I'm sure I have at one point or another, but at the end of the day, I trust my gut. I do what I think is right and wrong, not what everyone else tells me is right and wrong. Obviously, there are the normal moral right and wrongs in a relationship, but you really shouldn't be trying to be a certain person for him. Be yourself, because that who he loves. No one wants to be in love with the perfect person. How boring that would be! You know? We all get influenced by things, but we have to be able to decipher what is going to work for us and what isn't.

[digitalfever]

I'm sure I have at one point or another, but at the end of the day, I trust my gut. I do what I think is right and wrong, not what everyone else tells me is right and wrong. Obviously, there are the normal moral right and wrongs in a relationship, but you really shouldn't be trying to be a certain person for him. Be yourself, because that who he loves. No one wants to be in love with the perfect person. How boring that would be! You know? We all get influenced by things, but we have to be able to decipher what is going to work for us and what isn't.

This.

[lala]

no you misunderstood. I AM myself.. I'm authentic and have my own morals and believs.. I'm not stupid^^ but I just wanted to show that we all normmally are influenced by different things.
And I read those articles and guidelines (of cours not everything makes sense..) to learn about men. I learned a lot that helped me and made my more self conscious. I think especially in the childhood and teenager time you get influenced a lot and this also makes you the person you really are.. that's everything I wanted to say...

[jenniferjade]

No, I completely understand. But you say you read all of those articles to learn about men. Men aren't all the same. They don't all think the same, act the same, or feel the same about things. One guy might hate when you ask him how he feels, etc, while another man might love it. At times, my SO is more like the girl in our relationship and he loves talking about feelings and what we're thinking at any given time. I'm not saying you aren't yourself, obviously you are. But you said, at first, that you read all this stuff and acted a certain way because you 'learned' men didn't like it. So, reading that made me think that you were trying to change yourself in order to be what 'men want'. Sounds like you were trying to conform. Sorry if I read it wrong, but that's what it sounded like.