Am I "allowed" to complain, even though we're together? (In PERSON!)

[magician13134]

I didn't expect to be here (LFAD) this week. I'm on Spring break and visiting my SO, so I thought I would be able to stay busy and just enjoy every moment. Unfortunately, and I knew this going into the week, she is NOT on Spring break and she has a TON of work to do. I get to see her a little bit (I usually get to meet her at the dining hall for meals, I got to cook lunch for her this afternoon, we get to spend the nights together), but she's gone most of the day and I still feel really distant from her. When we are together during the day, it's with her classmates/friends and I haven't really gotten comfortable with them, so it's hard for me to not feel isolated. I have no reason to feel upset or worried about anything, I knew all of this going in, we've gotten to do some really personal talking (talking about where we see "us" in a few years) and everything has gone great in that regard. I guess I'm still getting used to this new situation; before this year, I was always the closest person to her, without any doubt or question. Now that she's working on projects for (literally) 12+ hours every day, she has gotten really close to a new group of friends and it's hard for me to feel like things haven't changed. I guess I might be a little biased right now because I'm sitting alone in her apartment thinking about her, while she and her friends are going to be working until maybe 2-3AM. And it's not like I can wait up to see her when she does get back because all she has the energy to do is fall asleep in time to be at her 8AM class tomorrow morning.

I just hope I learn to deal with this over the next two years, she really means everything and then some to me.

[lucybelle]

Man I think that during this week she should not be hanging with her friends. I understand having to do work, but any free time she has should be with you. It sucks to sit at home all day and wait for your SO to get home. Trust me, I did that for 6 months!!!

Hang in there, it's not always easy and fun, but it is worth it.

[Kristin91]

Just try talking to her and telling her that you'd like to spend a little more alone time with her. I understand that she has big school projects and that they have to get done (I'm a chemical engineering major, so the same thing happens to me), but she should be willing to move her schedule around a little bit to spend some time with you

[Deleted]

This kind of happened to me when my SO visitted in october....we were in partials, and school was 9-10 hours a day, excluding homeworks and study time, which added up around 3 hours or even more. I had also book presentations during those days, each lasting 3 hours, and as the illustrator I was forced to go.

I'd say you have right to rant here...but don't put too much pressure on your SO. During my SO's visit, I had enough pressure with the one I put on myself... I'm glad my SO never complained because that would've been hell. I don't feel like you are doing so since you sound like you care a lot about her I'm just saying in case you grow too frustrated and get a little impulsive and put pressure.

...although do make an effort to ask her out and check which time of the day is better for her, because if she cares as much as you do, she must be frustrated on this fact too and she will want to. Show interest, but no pressure.

I hope you do get to have your time with her! One must get the best out of visits! Good luck.

[jenniferjade]

Happy that you're getting to see your SO! I know it's a big deal. I just had mine here with me for two weeks and I still miss having him here. I think, since she has so much to do, it's probably the little things that mean a lot to her. Knowing that you are there to sleep with her at night, knowing that when she gets home you will be there for her. I'm sure she is just as excited and thrilled as you are to spend time with you, but when she doesn't have much time, it's hard to spread it around. I had to work while my SO was here, because there was no way I could take off two weeks of work! I'm sure she is doing the best she can, given all the work you say she has.

I agree with Aurora, don't pressure her, because then she will just be even more stressed with everything, and having you there won't be as great as it would be normally. Just be there for her, help her with her work if you can! I'm sure she will appreciate it, and things will be okay! Enjoy the time you have with her, and remind yourself of all the time you usually DON'T have. Normally, you wouldn't be able to see her at all, being in an LDR! So, just push through and do your best!

[Bethypoo]

I think that there is nothing you can do about her workload but that you understand.

HOWEVER, she sould spend time with you and not her friends. She sees them all of the time. I mean, she should have planned around it. I know to some it might sound easier said than done, but my SO was here during midterms AND finals (that was the only time he could take off) and I had to plan accordingly to do well on exams and spend my time with him. And he understood.

Maybe try talking to her again. And next time, maybe help her plan a little better. I wouldn't be to happy either. Good luck to you.

[magician13134]

Sorry everyone, I will keep this brief because to be perfectly honest, I'm definitely not sober right now. I did want to clarify that when I say she's "with her friends" it means that she's doing school work. Apparently as an architect you don't have any free time so she's working really hard, but doing it with her friends who are also her classmates. I will definitely read through all of these tomorrow and respond again, but I wanted to make sure I cleared that up.

[Malaga]

Sorry everyone, I will keep this brief because to be perfectly honest, I'm definitely not sober right now. I did want to clarify that when I say she's "with her friends" it means that she's doing school work. Apparently as an architect you don't have any free time so she's working really hard, but doing it with her friends who are also her classmates. I will definitely read through all of these tomorrow and respond again, but I wanted to make sure I cleared that up.

Yeah that's how I got it too. The way I see it she's stuck between a rock and a hard place, she wants to spend time with you but she's also caught up in work. I know architects are always busy, my best friend is one. When are these projects due? If it's not urgent, she could slack for an evening or two while you're here. It won't be the end of the world if she does, and she needs to rest and relax for a bit. I'm sure her colleagues will understand too, seeing that she's in a LDR and doesn't get to see you every day.

Otherwise I don't see much what you could do. If you knew she'd be busy before you planned the trip, it doesn't seem fair to complain about it now and make her feel guilty about it. Try to make the best of what you have.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I had similar problems with my SO when I last visited him. We were both working, but he also had school to deal with. I'd get upset because during our (rare) free days together, I wanted to hang out, but he needed to do some schoolwork. It's frustrating.
However, you have to remember, this isn't personal. This isn't her purposefully leaving you, or even wanting to leave you. Where she wants to be is with you, but due to deadlines, marks, etc, she doesn't actually have a choice. It's not a personal attack. And she probably feels really bad for not being able to spend your visit just chilling out and doing whatever it is you two want to do together. When it comes down to it though, this is her life, this is her education. She's paying a lot to secure her future.
I'm not saying you don't have a right to be frustrated and worked up and a bit miserable about it, but you need to focus on the fact that this is not a personal issue she has with you.
You need to occupy yourself, and actually, one way you can do that is by doing lots of nice little things for her while she's out working her butt off. Start hiding stuff for her to find when you leave, cook for her, make her things, fill her cupboards with some of her favourite snacks. Be the best temporarily-staying-at-her-home boyfriend you can be, because she will appreciate the effort and love you show her.
Remember, there are going to be visits where this is the other way around, and you have a lot on your plate, and she will be waiting around for you.
Enjoy what time you can have. It's hard, and it can be painful sometimes, but this situation is no one's fault.

[magician13134]

Thanks everyone for all of the words of support and encouragement. Knowing that there are other people out there who have been through this helps so much, I really don't know what I'd do without the support I've found here. Biddlybiddlybombop, I really like your idea of hiding little things around. I think I'll also write a note with each one and number it so she knows exactly how many there are (and make sure they aren't perishable, ha ha!). I've also been doing my best to buy things she likes (since I don't get to be here as much as I like, I enjoy visiting the local food places and bringing her stuff when I do). Thanks again everyone, I hope you all know how much your advice means to me! (And finally, I'd like to apologize for posting while intoxicated last night, I don't usually do that, but I'm also usually not drunk and I don't feel like I made a fool out of myself, so I don't think it's that bad!)

[Yaaamiii]

I'm a teacher education major and I have to be in school all day every day next week (the same week he'll be here) and then I have to work. It sucks, but it's the only break he's got. I understand how you feel.

[MeganK]

Man I think that during this week she should not be hanging with her friends. I understand having to do work, but any free time she has should be with you. It sucks to sit at home all day and wait for your SO to get home. Trust me, I did that for 6 months!!!

Hang in there, it's not always easy and fun, but it is worth it.

I did the exact same thing.
In england for 6 mnths, i waited everyday for him to get home from
work. I was lonley and bored.

It was all worth the wait.
Shes busy now, she wont be forever tho.

[Emms]

Ah, yes. I am familiar with these woes. When my boyfriend was working all day, I went to coffee shops, went for lots of walks, read a lot, etc...I'm sure this is a no brainer, but do you explore the town on your own during the day? Maybe there's a cool/pretty area nearby you can drive or walk or bike to? If I were you I would tag along on the work/study groups because I have work of my own that I could do there, but if you don't could you just read or go on the Internet or something without being distracting to them? That way at least you could be around her and other people, instead of by yourself the whole time. (I also hung out with his friends a lot when they weren't working, but I'm a naturally friendly person and we got along really well so I can understand how not everyone is like that.)

One thing to think about to make yourself feel better is that it's nice to be there for her when she's having a stressful week...for example, though he was worried about me being bored, my boyfriend loved being able to come home and have me there. It was really nice for him...maybe you can think of it that way?

[ioanna]

i'm sorry you're feeling left out. it can be hard.. but trust me, she very probably isn't very happy about it either.... i'm an architect, graduated less than a a year ago, and i've dealt with your situation many times from her perspective. (except i also worked :s)... as much as it hurt that my SO was there but my work and study obligations kept me from enjoying my time with him, the little moments we got to spend together were very precious to me. the support he gave me during those times where the pressure was so high is priceless, and one of the things i will always be grateful to him for. he only has the chance to come visit back home once a year. the last time he came, half of his vacation was during the final stretch of my graduation project. it was the end of the hardest year of my life, that last stretch of a terrible mountain to climb. he was there to make sure i ate, he took care of little things for me, he helped me with making my model, he drove me everywhere and even learned to use some of my softwares to help..

i'm not saying that you should do the same, and i understand how you feel, i'm just suggesting that she's probably as frustrated as you are, but also very thankful for your presence there. courage!

EDIT: i also wanted to add, the studying of architecture always requires you to work together with other people, even if you're not working on the same project as a team. it has always been about the studios. now that a lot of the work is done on computers and not by hand it's harder to convince students of the benefits of working together when you can work at home, but a lot of them find that out by themselves. I for one could not work at home by myself. (especially while every one else was sleeping! ) it was a lot more productive and enriching to be with a group of my classmates.