Controlling father may ruin us

[SquishyLove]

Ugh, that completely sucks that he's giving in to his dad and not standing up for himself, or using a way to get out of the living situation. I agree with you that he's way too old to lay down so easily. My SO's dad didn't approve until SO and I met in person, either, but luckily he didn't try to "make" him have less contact with me. And my SO stood up for himself and told him it's his life and choice. And this was while living under the same roof (living with parents in your early adulthood is also the norm in Russia because housing is very hard to afford on a young person's salary). I wouldn't make any rash decisions just yet, but I think it's really sad that he's backing down so easily and not fighting harder.

[books]

I fear somehow his dad convinced him I was bad for him, or we are 'unhealthy' as his dad stated.

If this is even slightly true (his dad has influenced his feelings or commitment to you somehow), I would take a step back and re-evaluate how strong your relationship really is.

Secondly, in regards to everything about his living situation/it's difficult to move out/etc...I agree with what Dziubka has posted. For me, as a grown woman living on my own and taking care f my own bills, it would be very hard for me to rationalize why my boyfriend (who's grown as well) is okay living in such a controlling situation. I mean, the whole thing sounds very "teenagerish" to me...and you yourself said you were done with that.

[Sierra]

I really don't want to sound too harsh here but your SO is a grown ass man. Time for him to act like one.
He needs to move out. At 23 being treated like this is unacceptable.

[WakeUpSusie]

Yeah, he's a big boy now who is capable of making his own life decisions. I'm a big believer in "when you're living in your parents house, you need to abide by their rules", but this isn't like having a curfew or not drinking in the house. This is his personal adult relationship, and it is absolutely NO business of his dad's how much time he spends talking to you or when he does it. Unless it's costing his dad a lot of money for the phone bill, your boyfriend needs to lay down the law. He needs to man up and move out of his house. 23 is too old for most people (except those in special or extreme circumstances) to be living at home.

I'm sure he'll figure it out. And if he doesn't and concedes to his dad's ridiculous rules, you don't want to be with someone who is unable to stand up for themselves (and for you) anyway.

[Jezah]

We just had a 2 hour talk. It started bad, as after 24 hours to stew I had a lot pent up and I honestly hated him a little bit. I let him talk, but he didn't say anything I wanted to hear, so I went off on him. I cried, we almost broke up...and somehow we came back from it. Essentially this is a really awful situation, but is one that MAY have a good outcome. His dad is doing this because he thinks HBB is 'addicted' to me, and that HBB is putting off his life for me. The addicted part was BS, but, after talking I think the second part was correct. HBB has passed the first round of becoming an army officer with flying colors (he got the highest possible category, meaning he is good officer material) and he is supposed to be preparing for the second harder exam. He has not been preparing, I noticed this and tried to push him to do it, tried to encourage and support him to go for runs, study the manual, contact the regiment he wants to join ECT but he hasn't. He was busy with his job this last month so I let it slide and didn't push. That was my mistake. I should have seen something was up, should have pushed him to tell me why he suddenly lost motivation.

He had lost motivation because of me, which is funny since that is two fold. He needs to become an officer if we are to have any chance of me moving there, and I am not getting any younger so he NEEDS to do this...but he has been putting it off because he knows once he passes the last exam things will change. Once he enrolls in Sandhurst we are looking at a year of barely talking, and I guess that was something he subconsciously dreaded and so he put it off. Frustrating, but understandable. I would have never known this, or not found out for a while, if this hadn't happened. So thats the good outcome.

The other issue is though, that HBB kinda goes blank when arguing with his dad. Like HBB, stupidly (love him but sometimes...gah) told his dad I have depression and suicidal thoughts. However he DIDN'T mention I hadn't been depressed or attempted suicide in almost 2 years before last month, and last month the depression kicked off out of no fault of my own. I was having a hard time sleeping so my doc put me on a antidepressant to 'help' but all it did was screw with my brain chemicals and trigger my depression to come back. Now, new meds and its fine again. Yet now his dad thinks I am 'disturbed' and unhealthy for Rob. He also accused me of being needy, and running to Rob with all my issues, and again Rob went blank and somehow forgot that I have actually NEVER run to him with an issue. EVER EVER, I mentally refrained from doing so on many occasions as it would have put strain on Rob. So now his dad is functioning off wrong facts and half truths and its driving me bonkers. I have been way better, more mature and good in this relationship than any other and yet I am being accused and held accountable for things I never did, or did in the past. Oy vey

[Sierra]

I'm sorry but his dad shouldn't even be in this picture. And also, why is he still living at home? You just skirt past this issue.

If you don't want to deal with this your SO needs to realize that he's got to remove himself from the situation, at 23 he's far from powerless.

To me all you did in your post is list acceptable excuses, but to me, this whole situation is not ok. I was in a situation like this with my ex and my mother, and it drove me to the edge. She had my cell phone shut off - so I got one on my own plan. She did all kinds of crazy things and eventually I just said 'Ok, I don't want to live with your rules' and moved out.

Why is he still living at home at 23 and allowing his father to control his life?

I hate to say this but at the end of the day, for the most part, the drama in our lives is the drama we allow in our lives. Every situation has a resolution, it's just how determined you are to get to that resolution that matters. Excuses are excuses.

[SquishyLove]

I can't speak for the UK as I don't know much about the housing situation there, but in Russia it's not uncommon for people to be living at home into their late 20's. Multigenerational households are not only more culturally acceptable, it's also not considered the mark of failure that it is in the US to live at home at that age. Here it's like, "oh, what a loser to still live at home at 23!" In Russia, it's normal. Furthermore, housing is outrageously priced and very hard to afford on the salary of a young person, even a professional. Most young adults who live on their own in Russia are married couples bringing in two incomes. It could be similar in the UK.

That being said, I agree on the count that he should still be allowed to contact the OP when he pleases, because he's a grown man. My father-in-law didn't approve of our relationship before my SO and I met in person, simply because we met online, but he never tried to "ground" my SO from talking to me...furthermore, my SO told him that he was sorry he didn't like it, but that it was his life and choice and he was going to be with who he wanted to be with. I think HBB should be able to dictate when and how long he talks to you. Good luck!

[floridaellen]

HBB is 23, his dad and mom are divorced and he is living with his dad. His dad supports him you could say, in that he owns the house HBB lives in. However HBB isn't mooching, he is trying hard to get employment, he even just finished 4 weeks of 30+ hours at a retail store unpaid so he could get a reference to get a paying job. HBB pays for his own gas, would pay for his own food if his dad let him. He does constant chores for his dad (his dad does NOTHING, he is a retired army officer and apparently since he has 3 sons it means he can make them do all the chores).

He has been gone for an hour now, so I think the talk went bad since I have had no txts or skype with him...I think his dad took his phone and comp without even letting him tell me. There is the possibility he could go live with his mom, but I know he doesn't want that since his dogs and the car he would need to get to work is at his dads (shared with his brothers). I just don't know since I have a feeling I will not hear from HBB for a while now...

She says why he lives at home here and it makes sense.

[Sierra]

She says why he lives at home here and it makes sense.

If that's what you choose. But they you also choose the control.
It made sense for me to live with my mother, but when she interfered with my relationship, since I was an adult in my twenties, I left. It's not that he's a failure for living at home, it's that he doesn't have to. By continuing to live at home he has to deal with this control, which isn't healthy, psychologically for the father AND the son.

As I said, I was literally in the same situation as he is, but at a certain point, you think for yourself and stand up. If the convenience of living at home is more important than the drama it causes in the relationship, that's his choice. But look at the choice he's making, is it bad to point that out because I certainly don't think so. It may not be the popular opinion but it's just another one.

I would not tolerate this in my relationship. That's me, if they want to deal with the drama, that's their choice, but he's certainly of the age where he can move out on his own and avoid this massive drama.

(And nothing about working 30+ hours unpaid in retail makes sense to me. Get a job at Starbucks, that's what I did and I was able to afford life, it wasn't great and I ate Ramen a lot, but at least I didn't have unnecessary drama anymore.)

[floridaellen]

If that's what you choose. But they you also choose the control.
It made sense for me to live with my mother, but when she interfered with my relationship, since I was an adult in my twenties, I left. It's not that he's a failure for living at home, it's that he doesn't have to. By continuing to live at home he has to deal with this control, which isn't healthy, psychologically for the father AND the son.

As I said, I was literally in the same situation as he is, but at a certain point, you think for yourself and stand up. If the convenience of living at home is more important than the drama it causes in the relationship, that's his choice. But look at the choice he's making, is it bad to point that out because I certainly don't think so. It may not be the popular opinion but it's just another one.

I would not tolerate this in my relationship. That's me, if they want to deal with the drama, that's their choice, but he's certainly of the age where he can move out on his own and avoid this massive drama.

(And nothing about working 30+ hours unpaid in retail makes sense to me. Get a job at Starbucks, that's what I did and I was able to afford life, it wasn't great and I ate Ramen a lot, but at least I didn't have unnecessary drama anymore.)

Oh absolutely. If he lives at his dad's house, he has to follow his dad's rules. I completely understand that. I was just pointing out that she said why. I agree with you completely!

[Michia]

A little off topic, but what do people find to talk about for four hours a night?! I can barely keep a conversation going for thirty minutes some nights.

---------- Post added at 08:13 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:10 PM ----------

I really don't want to sound too harsh here but your SO is a grown ass man. Time for him to act like one.
He needs to move out. At 23 being treated like this is unacceptable.

^^This.

[Jezah]

Well his inability to get a job is part of why he is living at home, but the other larger part is that he is currently waiting to get a date for Main Board (big exam to become army officer) and once he does, he could pass it and be entering Sandhurst in May. He can't take out a lease, and apparently in the small town he lives in apartments are pricey and NEVER come without 1 year leases. In the US we take it for granted we can get a crappy job easily, and a month to month studio apt, but in the UK the job climate is hell on young adults. No entry level jobs, all require previous experience, and crap chains are usually full up on employees with a waiting list. Its awful, he had to do the 30+ hours a week unpaid retail in HOPES that at the end of the job he would be offered a paying position. Its called "Work Experience" over in the UK and many call it slave labor, and I agree. However he had no choice. He thinks they will be offering him a job in April, since the manager essentially told him so.

He did go to college but had to drop out because he needed to switch subjects (he was studying physics and it got wayyyy too hard, he failed first year) and it somehow screwed up his student loans so that he essentially lost them. So he moved back home and launched himself into the long path of becoming an army officer. His dad was fine with it, until he apparently decided he wanted to break me and HBB up. He just can't move out, and while his dad has always been a grumpy jerk, he has never tried to control HBB to this extent before. He is even taking away HBB's phone that HE PAYS FOR and is his property. Not even a family plan either, its HBB's phone on his own contract. We are going to find ways around this, like HBB's dad is taking his computers power cord when he leaves for work each day, but HBB is going to buy another spare to hide in his room. Also, HBB can have his phone back if he needs to go drive somewhere so he will just have to keep running 'errands'. Its just so sudden and unexpected, thats the hard part

P.S. I wasn't purposely skirting the issue of HBB still living at home, my mind is just so stunned over this I forget not everyone knows our story about his becoming an officer.

P.S.S. @Michia, I don't know. Me and HBB also have 'date night' which is our funny term for the one day a week (more like one day a month lately though) where he gets up at 6am (1am here) and we talk until we both get tired at like 7-8pm my time (11-12 his time). No breaks except for lunch and dinner, and we always are sad when it ends because we wanted MORE time. Its how I know me and HBB are meant to be, we constantly amuse each other, and just listening to the other prattle on about nothing is enjoyable even after almost 10 months. Sometimes we watch a movie together, or a few episodes of a show, or play games...but yea. I could spend every second of my life with this man and never grow tired of it

[Moon]

OK, I've been trying to decide if I should post this, but now that you've alluded to it as well, I will. While it's not your fault necessarily, I have to wonder if his dad isn't correct in saying the four hours of chat a night is stopping him from doing the things he needs to do. I think as you get through the storm so to speak, you two should seriously cut your time down, as much as you may not like it. Maybe an hour a night would be better? I'm not going to address the issue of his age and his dad's control issues, it's been well answered already.

Let things cool down, don't freak out over anything, just relax and wait this out. When the restrictions are eased, tell him that you need to cut your time down and he needs to get his ass in gear. You're going to have to compromise something and four hours a day really does seem excessive, and leaves little time for anything else. If he can't understand this though, you may need to do some serious thinking about where this relationship can go from there, you know? He's got to take some serious responsibility for his future at some point.

[Jezah]

I guess each relationship is different, but to me and HBB 4 hours isn't a lot really, and besides its all after dinner. 1 day is 24 hours, taking away our four hours and 8 to sleep that still leaves 12 hours to do everything he needs to do. That was our argument with his dad, like today when he wasn't allowed to talk to me except for a hour in the evening to discuss WHY he couldn't talk to me, he tallied up the hours he instead was left with nothing to do but watch TV or play xbox. Its just so stupid, what he needs to do to prepare all needs to be done during the day, so after dinner talking is besides the point.

[digitalfever]

I guess each relationship is different, but to me and HBB 4 hours isn't a lot really, and besides its all after dinner. 1 day is 24 hours, taking away our four hours and 8 to sleep that still leaves 12 hours to do everything he needs to do. That was our argument with his dad, like today when he wasn't allowed to talk to me except for a hour in the evening to discuss WHY he couldn't talk to me, he tallied up the hours he instead was left with nothing to do but watch TV or play xbox. Its just so stupid, what he needs to do to prepare all needs to be done during the day, so after dinner talking is besides the point.

Why wasn't he studying?