My boyfriend's had enough...what do I do?

[fitfilipina]

Needless to say, my LDR has been very rough patch for the past couple of months (thank you, LFAD for being my support!). Basically, since going into an LDR I have become a whole new girlfriend: I have little patience, am dealing with trust issues (we got into this huge fight in Dec. when he completely violated my trust), and have become a bit controlling (likely because of the aforementioned dealio that happened that makes me really uneasy when he's in a drinking social situation and women). I've been trying and trying to get rid of these things, because I know it's the reason we've been fighting...but at the same time, I feel like I'm not getting the support and attentiveness I need, especially when the distance has been terrible on me.

So for the last three nights in a row, we've been bickering about this situation. We keep telling each other I'll trust him, he'll support more, but for some reason the issue just keeps going around and around in a circle. Everything was all good yesterday, until he texted me saying he was going to "do the usual with or group [of friends] tonight." I was totally fine with it, since the usual always means hanging out at his place, smoking some hookah, and maybe having a couple beers to relax. So off I went to work, and a couple hours I went on Facebook. The first thing that popped up was a check-in of him and our friends out getting drunk at a sports bar with half-naked women servers. So obviously I got really upset and called him and asked him why he told me something completely different than what he was doing and he just responded, "I guess I just forgot to tell you." So that set me off and we ended getting into an argument all over again.

The next morning, he texted me that he had been crying all day...and that we was feeling pushed away and suffocated at the same time. He told me that he loves me, but has been so unhappy that past few months we've been LDR (minus the pockets of time we spent together) and that the distance isn't to blame, we are. He's basically lost all optimism in us, and says that although we see don't see breaking up as an option, I'm pushing him in that direction with my behavior.

I feel terrible. Obviously, I do, because I feel terrible too. But he's telling me that I have to start showing it NOW that I trust him and that I can overcome our differences...how do I do that? I shower him with love and affection, and I know that's not enough...but honestly I don't know what I can do that he can see me wanting to make a huge turn-around in our relationship.

He's coming to visit tomorrow and I really want to prove to him that I'm going to change and fight for us...what should/could I do?? Please help!

[digitalfever]

Showering someone with love and affection does not equal trust. A good quote to live by is “where there is fear there cannot be love.” I think it speaks true to this situation. You really need to first accept that there is a possibility that he may hurt you and that you may hurt him but that’s the risk you’re taking for being loved and loving someone. Then you must learn to let go of the fear and accept that you might get hurt regardless of if you nag, get upset with him or fight. No matter how controlling, no matter how much you talk about it the possibility is always there – in other words let go on the vice grip a little and let the relationship grow and flourish.
How do you show that you trust him? You don’t freak out when he does something your insecure about and accept that it really is an emotion that you feel and not directly linked to what he’s really doing. You can’t fix this instantly it will take time.

[dglynn77]

A good quote to live by is “where there is fear there cannot be love.”

Awesome.
Also, "Perfect love casts out fear."

Good luck!

[Zapookie]

I honestly think that he's making you feel like the guilty one. This whole thing is not entirely your fault and he's putting it all back on to you. It started with him - he set off a sequence off events which has brought you two to where you are today, and you have contributed to it also. He needs to take some blame for it, and start owning up to his mistakes and being sure to not do them again, AND he should go out of his way to let you know things. He needs to be open, and honest. That's where the trust building starts. I can see why you're still feeling like that when he just brushes things off saying "oh I forgot".

You need to tell him that you would really just appreciate it if he would would let you know things. Just a quick text if plans change. Or even a phone call. Letting you know what happened once he gets home - basically keeping you in the loop. He needs to understand that in order for you to start trusting him, he needs to do all he can to make sure it happens. I don't think he gets that right now. And you won't trust him unless he does. He needs to become a bit more sensitive to your needs.

[fitfilipina]

You couldn't have said it better to how I feel, Zapookie. The thing is, he keeps telling me, "You have to trust I'm not going to do it again, it's been 4 months since it's happened." And then when I told him I wanted him to be more attentive to my needs and to let me know these things, he says he doesn't like to be controlled and doesn't feel the need to have to report back to me. So I don't know what to do...cause obviously it's creating a cycle that won't get fixed if something happens:/

[rubydissolution]

I can definitively say once that trust is gone, the relationship fizzles and dies. In my case, when my ex broke his promise and in turn broke my heart my trust in him shattered. Once that was gone, it was so hard to be myself because I always felt like I had to stay guarded, prepared for the next hurt. It made me needy, clingy, nosy, irrational, and very emotional. It pushed him away over time and the distance didn't help things.

I think you have to ask yourself can that trust be repaired? Are you going to fly off the handle every time something changes and he forgets to tell you? Because if that's the case its going to wear down on him over and over until he can't take anymore. Then you feel like crap for treating him that way but there is nothing you can do its done already. When he says you have to show you trust him, don't question him when he's going out with friends, or having a guys night in. If something changes, hey it happens its life, don't fly off the handle or make him feel bad about it. Its just little things like that, that will help him see that you are trusting him again.

[Zapookie]

You couldn't have said it better to how I feel, Zapookie. The thing is, he keeps telling me, "You have to trust I'm not going to do it again, it's been 4 months since it's happened." And then when I told him I wanted him to be more attentive to my needs and to let me know these things, he says he doesn't like to be controlled and doesn't feel the need to have to report back to me. So I don't know what to do...cause obviously it's creating a cycle that won't get fixed if something happens:/

Well its clear then that he doesn't really care. If he was truly sorry and if he truly did care, he would be doing everything in his power to help you gain that trust back, and to help salvage what little trust was left. If he just doesn't want to help the relationship, well then there's really no point continuing. I'm sorry if that's blunt, but you're probably better off without him and that kind of treatment. He's already broken your trust once, and doesn't really seem to be too remorseful about it, so I wouldn't be surprised if he did it - whatever it was - again.

Oh and I just want to add, trust isn't just given out freely. It's earned.

[Zephii]

As hard as it is, there comes a time when if you want to save your relationship, you need to be the bigger person and build a bridge to get over the issue... and sometimes you have to build that bridge all alone in the middle of a snowstorm.

Where I'm going with this is, as hurt as you might be, if you want to put his needs before your own to get past this, you simply have to use your discipline. You can choose not to freak out - especially over text where you're not required to respond right away. You can choose to talk yourself down, away from the fear, than to feed your suspicions in your mind. You can choose to be more open minded: for example - better he look at some topless servers than to take someone home and take her top off. She's just a worker with her wares out, nothing for you to be threatened by - that's another thing, you can choose not to be threatened.

For him to earn back your trust, you have to give him the opportunity to do so.

Not that I'm 100% sure he really deserves it, seeming he wont meet you half way... but, giving him the benifit of the doubt, perhaps in the begining he was willing and now he's simply sick of being badgered. Once people feel like they can never do anything right, or that they wont be trusted, they think "what's the point?"... you see?

[fitfilipina]

Thanks so much for the support, I definitely need it! I guess for now...I'll work on fixing things on my own. He should come around eventually... =)

[Bethypoo]

Showering someone with love and affection does not equal trust.

You may have your reasons for having some new trust issues with him. But either you have to let it got and stop blaming him and fighting, or you are going to ruin your relationship. Which it sounds like you have done/are doing. But if you cant/wont let whatever he did go, then do both yourselves a favor and bow out gracefully.

You are going to have to call yourself out on this. Let him know that you are having a hard time letting things go. But if you tell him you want to start anew, then you have to mean it. Let the past be the past. LD is hard and can be the true test of a relationship.

It is possible to survive this. You both just have to mean what you say and cope together.