Drugs?

(Long post approaching)

So last night when talking to my SO I kind of grew restless with some topic that came about. We were talking about drugs. My SO studies arts and it is a true stereotype that many art students smoke or do drugs. He does not up to what I know. All he does is have some alcohol at social occasions, which is very normal, and a few times he's smoked shishas (waterpipe, hookah...those things used for tobacco like the one the caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland uses). He's been thinking on getting one himself again for social stuff and I would not be concerned if I did not know he has classmates who do other drugs, he's even got one who smells like marihuana every day. At least here, they generally start out with hookah or just normal cigarrettes and then start out with stronger stuff...had a friend who started out like that and ended being an XTC/LSD addict.

I used to trust him a lot when it came to this but yesterday he began implying I'm too conservative and that this could be confused for not being tolerant. He was also telling me about some friend of his saying that people against those who do drugs are "close minded and un-artistic and should not get into anything involved with creativity". My SO said he had been thinking about what this friend said. I told him I did not encourage drugs, but I would not treat differently someone who used them...meaning I wouldn't appear "racist" to them. But my SO then said he was glad that I was being more tolerant than before, because once about a year ago I had told him I'd stop speaking to him if he got some unhealthy addiction and he thought I was being too harsh. I was kind of exaggerating, I would try to help him if he did, but it was just some "thread" for him to prevent him from doing it. I asked him why would he be glad about this "tolerance" and he said that it was not because of him but because it was going to be the world he would be exposed to.

I don't know, I just got concerned. I must admit being very conventional and good-girl like, perhaps even a nun to most people my age. I do not like saying I'm closed-minded but perhaps it is the only way to say I do not like people near me taking in stuff that will make them harm. I've had friends and family having pretty bad sequels and even death for drugs, so I've been left with this kind of hate against all of that. So when anyone tells me about being open-minded on this I just grow a little nervous.

I think it was evident that I kind of felt like he was pressuring me to become more "accepting" on this matter. He told me he would never do any drugs, that he was going to avoid them "for me". I grew nuts when he said that and I even told him to leave the romance out of this; that he would avoid vices for HIMSELF and not for me. It's cute and everything but I do not like thinking he's conditioned by me.

I think he got that I was feeling uncomfortable about this and by the end of the day he tried repairing it by getting all romantic and saying how much he liked me as I was, how much he loved every aspect of me and would never like me to change. I asked him if he liked my conservativism and he even said yes. I was halfway relieved for the night although I did not share his romantic mood because I had kind of felt attacked during the conversation. But then just today I went to his facebook wall and some girl was saying that they needed more tobacco for their next party because the one they had gotten last week was over. It isn't precisely what you'd like to read after having a conversation about it.

Since I can't really see the world he lives in right now, concern increases. I don't know if I'm just making troubles bigger in my head, "drowning in a glass of water", or whatever. I am just well, concerned for him... I would not like him to get into stuff that could hurt him. Being long distance does not help because I can't really tell what he's into from day to day.

As I said I know I am very conservative. I am not one to treat people badly for having addictions, I just get concerned when they are close to me. I must admit I've lived overprotected most of my life, kind like living inside a safety bubble, and I can't tell what's wrong and what's right out there. I wonder if any of you has any advice, experience on this, or just tell me how to find out if he's doing something of sorts... since scent and common signs of those can't be detected by distance....or why not, if I'm just being a nun and worrying too much! Tell me what you think.

EDIT: I'm hoping I won't offend anyone with this. I can lack empathy sometimes but I would not like hurting someone's feelings, specially because these topics change a lot from culture to culture.

[lucybelle]

Is he your same age? People change as they grow. I remember my boyfriend when I was 18 told me he would DUMP me if I ever even tried pot or smoked a cigarette. He also used to get pissed when I would drink. Now he's one of the biggest pot heads I know. He's one of "those people" who posts pictures of empty alcohol bottles and 4:20 stuff on facebook.

Is being into drugs a deal breaker for you? It's okay if it is. You need to be honest with him. If him doing pot or smoking hookahs every once in a while is okay with you, tell him. If it's not okay, tell him. Draw a line in the sand and say if he crosses it, it's a problem with you. I don't smoke anything, but it's okay with me if my SO shares a blunt every once in a while as long as he's not going to be driving. I've been very clear about what I'm okay with. What's a deal breaker for me is smoking tobacco. He actually quit for me just over a year ago.

[Deleted]

I'm used to stand on my own in many things so I'm not always sure if I'm being too harsh :P thanks.

He is my same age in fact, we are both 19 almost 20. As you say people change when they grow and it's kind of harder when it's long distance because you don't see the gradual change, you just suddenly notice he's already changed. I did tell him the issues I have with tobacco and those things. I told him about my friend who began with hookans and ended in LSD and plenty of other things that made drugs just something I can't stand, at least not in people I love. I hope he understands the limit. I am OK with drinking at events as long as he won't drive... but I'm not really fine with tobacco and I kind of fear about the hookans. I even wonder if he really likes it or he's doing it to fit in.

If I had a way of knowing he's under control and he would only do it at special occasions perhaps I would be more tolerant over this. I don't know...it's partly because I do not want him to make harm to himself and partly for me. I'm too young to talk about marriage and those things but if our relationship worked and we ended up together, I would not like to live with someone who smokes.

[WakeUpSusie]

I would be totally fine if my SO smoked pot on occasion, as long as he wouldn't be driving and it didn't become a lifestyle. I smoke maybe once or twice a year. I'm not really that into it personally but I'm not morally against it at all. I think that if it's used responsibly and in moderation, it's not a problem. He doesn't smoke (yet), but I doubt he'll never try it.

I have pretty much the same mindset on all counts for alcohol consumption. I drink with friends more frequently, maybe once a month, so I wouldn't have a problem if he did the same.

I could NOT date a tobacco smoker though. No way, no how. That shit is expensive, harmful, addictive, and it smells like crap. I've turned down dating guys because they're smokers. It is definitely a deal breaker for me. You just have to determine what is and is not a deal breaker for you, and go from there.

[Sierra]

It's funny, I changed from how you are now, to who I am now which is someone smoking a bowl of marijuana right now. I'm not going to correct any misconceptions that you have about drugs, but I'm going to say this.

At the end of the day, it involves this - what is your comfort level? Just like some people aren't ok with drinking, you don't have to be ok with drugs. I'm ok with drugs and wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want me to smoke marijuana. Does it have anything to do with addiction? Not at all. I have a serious injury and marijuana is a great alternative to the pain killers the doctors can offer me which ARE highly addictive and dangerous. I've also experimented with LSD, shrooms, hell I smoked opium. None of this has lead to anything else to me other than the SAME curiosity I've had since I was a kid (it was Alice in Wonderland that did it to me) and to be honest, I also have PTSD and strongly believe that LSD saved my life. Do I "have to do it again", no of course not.

It sounds like this bothers you and it's ok if it does, you need to talk to him about how much it bothers you. It's ok to be conservative about drugs, if it bothers you, it bothers you, if it doesn't bother you, it doesn't have to. I, ironically, hate when people drink, and smoking cigarettes is a deal breaker to me. The best advice I can give you is to talk to him, if he's making you out to be silly it's probably just because it's not a big deal to him, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't have to be a big deal to you. People have different values, and yes, they do grow and change, and he may get over an experimental phase, or his experimental phase can turn into my life and while I would never ever call myself nor have I been called a drug addict, it's not a life style every embraces or I expect to embrace and I'm ok with that. (Almost my whole family knows about my drug usage and none of them have a problem with it because they can see how much what I have done has helped me)

I do want to say this, if you want to talk to someone on the other side of the fence, you can always PM me, I'm not going to try to change your mind about how you feel but I may be able to offer you a different perspective. Good luck.

[Deleted]

I'm glad I'm not being flamed about being too much of a nun here, I thought that would be the first reaction. It's good to hear the other side of it in fact, I may PM you indeed if any problem arises. I hope there is none in the end

I will have to talk about this with my SO, I'll do it tonight just so it does not seem like I brought the topic out of the blue.

Thank you very very much!

[Sierra]

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I mean you saying you have problems with drugs is like me saying I have problems with chewing tobacco. You're allowed to feel the way you do and as a matter of fact, you're not being a nun at all. At the end of the day we are all able to do what we want, you get to choose if being with someone who does something you disapprove of is something you want in life or not.

I mean just to use you and I for an example, I wouldn't stop smoking pot for you and I think it would be mean of you to ask me (again because my alternatives are severely addicting and debilitating drugs), but you wouldn't have to tolerate my pot smoking in the first place because I'm pretty transparent with my drug usage... It's all about communication.

[Kerry]

there's nothing wrong with being against drugs. it doesn't make you a goody-too-shoes or whatnot. I'm against drugs too and a deal breaker for me is if my SO uses them. he doesn't, nor does he smoke or drink, which are 2 other deal breakers for me. we share these values and if he didn't then we wouldn't be together. my ex-bf used to do pot and ecstacy. I put up with it for over a year. but after that time the fact that he was doing something that I'm so set against just ate away at me. my advice: if your bf is doing drugs and you are 100% against them and he doesn't stop then he's not for you. trust me, eventually it will eat away at you and you will become very miserable. been there- lived that.

[weetzie]

I used to hate tattoos, drugs, alcohol, and anybody that would do that. Until I was in my late 20s, I would get mad if my SO even smoked a cigarette, drank alcohol, or smoked pot. Now I do those things all the time (except cigarettes) and I have a lot of tattoos. I definitely grew up and got over it, and those things aren't so bad anymore, as long as you're responsible.

Now *real* drugs are a worry, and you should be concerned if he were to do those things, but not stop talking to him. You'd want to work with him on it to get him away from those things and to stay clean. But I really wouldn't worry about a bit of pot.

[CynicalQuixotic]

I understand how you feel. My brother is a recovering drug addict (prescription pills mostly, but he dabbled in pretty much every drug under the sun except heroin) and growing up with that was incredibly difficult. However, pot is really a different animal. The whole DARE marijuana as a "gateway drug" rhetoric is really alarmist and, in my experience, largely untrue: the majority of my friends have smoked pot before, and none of my friends (to my knowledge, admittedly) have ever gotten into anything harder than that. Personally, I've smoked marijuana and enjoyed the experience, but it's not something I seek out often. In my opinion, there's really nothing wrong with smoking pot as long as it doesn't impede your daily life/responsibilities.

However, I will admit I did roll my eyes at what your SO said. Of course it's possible to be creative without drugs. Habitual drug use isn't glamorous or "artistic". I think everyone before me gave great advice--talk to him and tell him very clearly what you are and are not comfortable with, and don't feel bad about your own personal boundaries.

[Manoek]

Drugs.. Being from Holland and all of course I have my opinion in general, so I don't mean this at a response to anyone..

Here in Holland I actually have NO problem with drugs AT ALL!! I like to paaaaarty ^_^ But... thats also because it's tolerated.. If I had half a gram of coke on me, or XTC for my own use and the police would find that on me, he would take it, tell me its bad for me.. and I could go on.

If I would have it on me in America.. well.. that's a whole different story

So, my SO is an American, and he likes to rebel , and he got in some trouble in the beginning in January, and I don't mind drugs... but I mind the fact that he brings our relationship in danger.. for getting arrested.. not being able to leave the country... getting possibly a record.. no job.. no money.. etc..

And I really hate the hypocricy! "drugs are bad hmmmkey..." I drink, but that's not a drug... o_0 suuuuuurreeeeee

I actually have a lot of frustrations about drugs and the different policies and different ways people handle them. I just wish people knew how to handle drugs and don't get addicted, the world would be a happier place.. If I could only clone myself

[CynicalQuixotic]

I just wish people knew how to handle drugs and don't get addicted, the world would be a happier place.. If I could only clone myself

All right, I'm going to try really hard not to flip out because admittedly, I have history with drug addiction, but I think this is a really insensitive thing to say. People don't get hooked on drugs because they 'don't know how to handle' them. Anyone can develop an addiction depending on the situation, the drug, and the circumstances.

[Deleted]

To all who have replied: thanks a lot really! I did talk to my SO last night about this issue I have and it turns out his beliefs are more like mine than I thought. He assured me he won't take anything of sorts aside from what he already does, which I do accept. He reminded me something that long ago he had told me about a bad experience with drugs because of his older brother, and how he disliked living with it when his brother's life began being affected by them (and since they lived on their own, their economy also clashed :P ). I hope it all stays as it is. I made my limits clear and he was fortunately on my side. We made clear that he's a bit more "liberal" than me when it comes to that but I guess that against most people he is conservative...not as much as me but he is in the end... he's one to not care if people take them, just not for himself; and I'm one to not really care if other people do it- just not close people or myself. So it's not that much of a difference, I was too worried :P

CynicalQuixotic:
I just can't be happier of people being against having personal boundaries. I am realistic and I am aware that I may change (I am concious of being "too young"), but for now I think one must make clear some things out, specially in a relationship. Just wanted to make something clear... it wasn't my SO who said about needing drugs to be artistic/creative (glad it wasn't him...I would've been angry at him since I'm into arts myself, and for God's sake, I'm a design student). But you can still roll your eyes to the friend of his who said it- I did when I heard it. My SO did say yesterday that after thinking of it, he thought it was REALLY stupid.

Manoek:

I was expecting some reply from you eventually since I've seen you¿re from Holland! haha my edit about different cultures was actually in case you read this thread :P Thanks for your advice too! for some reason I like hearing the other side of it too rather than all going on one side.

[Tooki]

All right, I'm going to try really hard not to flip out because admittedly, I have history with drug addiction, but I think this is a really insensitive thing to say. People don't get hooked on drugs because they 'don't know how to handle' them. Anyone can develop an addiction depending on the situation, the drug, and the circumstances.

I get where she is coming from though. On a basic level, it requires someone to use drugs more than once to garner an addiction.

Anyhow I'm fairly open to people taking a drug once (to realise how stupid it is). I don't condone it but people ultimately have the choice to do it or not. If they leave it at home and it doesn't impede on their daily life, then go ahead!

[Manoek]

All right, I'm going to try really hard not to flip out because admittedly, I have history with drug addiction, but I think this is a really insensitive thing to say. People don't get hooked on drugs because they 'don't know how to handle' them. Anyone can develop an addiction depending on the situation, the drug, and the circumstances.

I understand you took it in a bad way, but i really didn't mean it like that.. i guess i used the wrong words, sorry! That's the whole language barrier i guess.