Drugs?

[CynicalQuixotic]

I understand you took it in a bad way, but i really didn't mean it like that.. i guess i used the wrong words, sorry! That's the whole language barrier i guess.

Don't worry about it, it's not easy to express yourself in a language that isn't your native one. (And I definitely don't mean that in a condescending way, I can definitely relate!) What Tooki said is also true and I usually don't judge people harshly who try drugs once, even harder ones. I just don't really like people being cavalier about hard drugs, so I apologize if I misinterpreted what you were saying.

CynicalQuixotic:
I just can't be happier of people being against having personal boundaries. I am realistic and I am aware that I may change (I am concious of being "too young"), but for now I think one must make clear some things out, specially in a relationship. Just wanted to make something clear... it wasn't my SO who said about needing drugs to be artistic/creative (glad it wasn't him...I would've been angry at him since I'm into arts myself, and for God's sake, I'm a design student). But you can still roll your eyes to the friend of his who said it- I did when I heard it. My SO did say yesterday that after thinking of it, he thought it was REALLY stupid.

Sorry I attributed that quote to your SO. I must've misread.

[Sora1101]

I'm in a bit of the same situation, I used to be fine with my SO drinking alcohol because he only really did it a couple times a year and in small amounts but these new friends of this go out drinking a lot and he goes with them, sure it's only 1 or 2 beers for him but my SO has a very low tolerance and a very addictive personality and I worry that because he's hanging out with these new friends that he's going to get addicted to drinking, sure not right away but I've seen him progress from one or two beers a year to 3-4+ beers a week and it's starting to worry me, of course I've told him to be careful with the stuff but he's going to make his own choices.

The only thing you can do is tell your SO how you feel about it, you have a right to say something if it makes you uncomfortable and hopefully he will listen to you and try to reassure you that he isn't going to be doing these things or at least explain to you what he plans on doing.

[Deleted]

I'm in a bit of the same situation, I used to be fine with my SO drinking alcohol because he only really did it a couple times a year and in small amounts but these new friends of this go out drinking a lot and he goes with them, sure it's only 1 or 2 beers for him but my SO has a very low tolerance and a very addictive personality and I worry that because he's hanging out with these new friends that he's going to get addicted to drinking, sure not right away but I've seen him progress from one or two beers a year to 3-4+ beers a week and it's starting to worry me, of course I've told him to be careful with the stuff but he's going to make his own choices.

The only thing you can do is tell your SO how you feel about it, you have a right to say something if it makes you uncomfortable and hopefully he will listen to you and try to reassure you that he isn't going to be doing these things or at least explain to you what he plans on doing.

I'm fine with alcohol as long as he won't drive! I get what you mean. Sometimes it's not that you are "against" the drug or the substance itself but it worries you when it comes to someone you love. Specially when you can't see how he is going every day, and well in my case I do not know his frinds but I know they are more liberal about this, so I can't control them and I won't try but being worried for time to time is normal. I bet we have all been worried for our SO's, perhaps because of they people they are with, or because the place he lives in is dangerous, or in my case, I make my SO worried because i am too pale and I get really bad burns and my health goes down with the 40°C summers here. We always worry a little for those we care for.

I explained my concern to him last night and we did get to an agreement. He revealed he did try drugs months ago but he did not feel they were anything special and that he would not try them again, that curiosity was gone. Most of it, I'm glad he was honest to me. He practically told me every experience he's had with substances to assure me that he was not into them and not planning to, and to be as honest as he could.

I'm not longer worried on his part, but of course I would prefer he was in an environment where he would not be that exposed. I trust he will stick to our agreement, I just hope his new friends won't make it too hard

[Manoek]

Drugs, religion and politics.. great subjects

[Sierra]

Glad you guys reached a happy resolution.

As for addiction, anyone can become addicted to anything. Drugs, alcohol, going for runs, their finger nails. Just watch My Strange Addiction. lol

[floridaellen]

Drugs.. Being from Holland and all of course I have my opinion in general, so I don't mean this at a response to anyone..

That's funny Manoek because my mother is actually from Holland (born and raised there) and has a serious intolerance towards drugs of any sort. Perhaps it's more of a generational thing even over there? Just an interesting sidenote!

I don't really do drugs. I've tried pot and hated it. I do smoke cigarettes a little more often than I should and drink very rarely.

My SO on the other hand enjoys pot. The pot is not what I have a problem with. It's the people he smokes with. However, I do not think that's the fault of the drugs, but rather just dislike of some of his friends. He also drinks occasionally as well and smokes cigarettes occasionally.

My issue with drugs is addiction. When the drugs begin to be put before other committments, then there is an issue. Addiction is real; it's a serious problem. But occasional recreational use of pot doesn't really bother me.

[Secrecy]

I understand, and it's perfectly fine to have things you're just not comfortable with. I'm in the same boat as you, though it's not because I think a little pot is the devil, and is ultimately really bad for you (because, let's face it... It's not. There are so many things that're worse), but it's because I simply find it unattractive to do. I'm sorry if that sounds a bit harsh as I don't intend for it to be that way, but I guess I just don't find the grandeur in it. Ditto with cigarettes and alcohol, but I tolerate both of those. I guess maybe the reason I easily get fed up with the idea is because I come from a substance abusing family, and being around it all of my life from my infancy upwards, I just became intolerant of it. I was uncomfortable as a child being around people drunk and high, and I suppose that's transferred from when I was young till now, as an adult. I've become more tolerant for sure, but I don't foresee myself ever really being for any of it. Again, it's just unattractive to me, and everyone has their preferences. I am simply thankful my SO doesn't really do drugs anymore, and if he does, it is on such a rare occasion that I can overlook it, and he makes sure not to take it around me. I guess that's all I can really ask for, and I'm thankful for it.

As for your SO, I just recommend talking about it and being upfront about it. You have every right to what bothers you, and - as much as this sounds kind of like a pushy thing to say, I guess - it takes two to make it work. People do change, but if he got into the relationship with you knowing that you feel uncomfortable about him doing drugs, it's only fair that he take your feelings into consideration as much as you do his. Relationships are about sacrifice, on both ends; it's just sometimes, one has to make a sacrifice because of the other does, it could potentially be a relationship breaker. It's all about priority, compromise and making things work.

Good luck!

[Manoek]

That's funny Manoek because my mother is actually from Holland (born and raised there) and has a serious intolerance towards drugs of any sort. Perhaps it's more of a generational thing even over there? Just an interesting sidenote!

Hahaha well my SO's mom is also dutch and she is the same as your mom... but my mom is also dutch (duhhh ) and a really open person and worked in a rehab center and isn't against it, for each its own I guess

[floridaellen]

Hahaha well my SO's mom is also dutch and she is the same as your mom... but my mom is also dutch (duhhh ) and a really open person and worked in a rehab center and isn't against it, for each its own I guess

Definitely! My mother actually works at an outpatient rehab center.... small world :P She works as an accountant for them though.

[kittyo9]

He was also telling me about some friend of his saying that people against those who do drugs are "close minded and un-artistic and should not get into anything involved with creativity"

That's a load of elitist hooey right there.

A couple years ago I got involved long-distance with this guy who was really into doing drugs. I'm not sure why I decided it was okay to be in a relationship with this guy, but I did, even though for the entire duration of our interaction up until then, he had been high. I came to find that his lifestyle completely revolved around marijuana and doing other drugs, and though I thought it wouldn't bother me at first, it did in the end. During that time I also experimented, probably to fit in with and impress him (I was crazy about him even though he treated me awfully), and I educated myself fairly well in the drug scene, but I made some purchases I regret.

There's nothing really bad about that story. I just came out the other side with great hindsight and I wanted to share. I'm not against drugs and there are still a few I would like to try in my lifetime, but I don't believe in a drug-based lifestyle and I would definitely not be supportive of a partner like that again. It wasn't good for me. People are free to make their own life choices and I will not treat them any differently, but if I am going to be living with someone for the rest of my life, I need someone who is not into those things. My current partner is actually more conservative than I am-- when I met him, he was pretty against a few things (including drugs), but I think he has grown into a more accepting and open-minded individual.

So I think it's important to be open with your partner about the kinds of things you find acceptable. If they are going to be doing something you are not comfortable with, you should have an honest conversation with them about it and let them know that you are uncomfortable with it. Maybe try to work out why your feelings on the subject differ from theirs. Honesty is really important here.

[Deleted]

Long post... replying to people here :P By the way, thanks to everyone. I appreciate a lot your advice and the fact that you are telling me to speak and be honest instead of changing, it's really good advice for me and I feel more comfortable with it.

floridaellen:

I see what you mean, I think I’m also a bit nervous because I am not sure who he would me smoking with. When le lived here, he used to smoke hookans occasionally BUT it was with a cousin of mine and I know he’s a good friend and person, and won’t really get him in the vice for the sake of doing it and would support him if anything arises. But I do not really know his new friends, and I am probably being harsh on them. And as you say , addictions are a thing to be worried about. I doubt he could become an addict…last time I brought the topic he reminded me that his brother had an addiction and that he disliked seeing him like that. He said it was that experience that killed his curiosity for many things.

Secrecy:

Haha, I don’t mean I think these things are from the devil, but I see your point too. My subconscious does think it is wrong but that must be me being closed- minded. I know as well that there are much dangerous things (many medicines are way more dangerous than pot). Not being attracted as you are is similar to myself… it’s not something I want in my life nor I think I need them at the moment.

I do not really come from a substance-abusive family but I do come from a smoker family. I really had horrible moments in my childhood, with my uncle getting 12 tumors in each lung, my great-grandmother getting cancer as well (from being a passive smoker, living with my godmother). My godmother’s voice changed dramatically, another uncle would sweat and go aggressive when he was anxious for a cigarette, and my autistic uncle would yell and cry because he disliked the smell of it. We all react differently to living with things…in my case, this made me become kind of against cigarettes and somehow also against drugs, although it was until high school that I did meet someone who had a problem with them, it was sad actually. He liked LSD. He was a happy-go-lucky guy first and he became bad tempered and he was always on a low mood… so I may not know many people on substances, but the few cases I know have turned out bad.
Now I’m one to hate generalizations… I hate it when people say “they are all the same” about anything because it is untrue. Perhaps I’ve just had bad luck with the people I find who get into these things. If there are people who enjoy them and can control themselves, that’s fine for me…but not my family, not my close friends and definitely not my SO. It’s not the kind of life I’d like to be close to.

About relationships…you said something really important. It’s about two. He knows I do not feel comfortable about these things and we did talk recently about it. I feel much better now that we made it all clear. I am aware that we might change, but as you said, he knew where it was going… so he should be willing to make a little sacrifice. I’ve been upfront this week about it and it turned out well! I’m glad people here encouraged me to speak instead of trying to change myself.

Kittyo9:

True elitism there. I dislike it a lot when these sentences are said, because there is always another way around. I I had been there, I could’ve answered that if he is not one to respect other people’s opinions, he is just as closed minded!
We had a kind of honesty session when I brought the topic and it seems it will all be alright.Thank you for your advice!

[Jassy_love]

I personalty have a strong hate & anger against drugs because they destroyed my brother, he's very ill in the brain.
But idk if you can handle them & you know what your action's are during doing them... it's ight I guess

[Secrecy]

Haha, I don’t mean I think these things are from the devil, but I see your point too. My subconscious does think it is wrong but that must be me being closed- minded. I know as well that there are much dangerous things (many medicines are way more dangerous than pot). Not being attracted as you are is similar to myself… it’s not something I want in my life nor I think I need them at the moment.

I do not really come from a substance-abusive family but I do come from a smoker family. I really had horrible moments in my childhood, with my uncle getting 12 tumors in each lung, my great-grandmother getting cancer as well (from being a passive smoker, living with my godmother). My godmother’s voice changed dramatically, another uncle would sweat and go aggressive when he was anxious for a cigarette, and my autistic uncle would yell and cry because he disliked the smell of it. We all react differently to living with things…in my case, this made me become kind of against cigarettes and somehow also against drugs, although it was until high school that I did meet someone who had a problem with them, it was sad actually. He liked LSD. He was a happy-go-lucky guy first and he became bad tempered and he was always on a low mood… so I may not know many people on substances, but the few cases I know have turned out bad.
Now I’m one to hate generalizations… I hate it when people say “they are all the same” about anything because it is untrue. Perhaps I’ve just had bad luck with the people I find who get into these things. If there are people who enjoy them and can control themselves, that’s fine for me…but not my family, not my close friends and definitely not my SO. It’s not the kind of life I’d like to be close to.

About relationships…you said something really important. It’s about two. He knows I do not feel comfortable about these things and we did talk recently about it. I feel much better now that we made it all clear. I am aware that we might change, but as you said, he knew where it was going… so he should be willing to make a little sacrifice. I’ve been upfront this week about it and it turned out well! I’m glad people here encouraged me to speak instead of trying to change myself.

The way I feel is it's "wrong" up to a point, like you said. I suppose it's one thing if you do it here and there and little, but a lifestyle of it just seems unattractive. I think there are so many more productive things you could be doing with your brain and time than doing drugs, and in the long haul, I feel it is so much more of a fulfilling thing to do something like... Make a book collection, draw, do some sculpture, go for a jog, sew, do scrapbooking, WHATEVER that makes you happy, over doing something like drugs. I just feel it is more stimulating and ultimately fulfilling to do if you make things like that the center of your attention, and not doing drugs. If ever he considers doing them again, you can always ask him that... Would doing them truly make him -happy-? Not high. Happy. See maybe how he feels about it then.
And I dislike cigarettes to; actually, I have a lung problem called pulmonary fibrosis that makes it so I can't be near the stuff. Any irritant, including marijuana smoke if I smell it, makes me wheeze at best, and if it's strong enough, makes me have to go to the hospital. So it's another reason for me to dislike drugs, at least the fume-producing ones.

And yes, you honestly are not the one needing to change really, because as I said, it was he who came into the relationship knowing you weren't comfortable with that and felt strongly against it. Now if he had come into the relationship and you said 'oh well, I am absolutely perfectly fine with you doing drugs.' And months or years into the relationship, that suddenly changed, it would be the other way around. It's why it's always good to be up front. Sacrifice is key; and what needs to be sacrificed depends on priority. Which would he rather sacrifice? Some high-time or your happiness and comfort. I think the answer should be obvious there.

Long reply post is long. xD