I don't know what to do...

[Larvitar]

Background summary: we both are from the same country and have the same age (32). We’ve been together for 4.5 years, the last 11 months on LDR. He moved to Germany to gain his first job experience (he’d been studying until then, long story…). I’d never liked the idea of LDR and I’m mad at him because he left.

Last day I cried on him over the phone because I don’t believe we have any future. He’s been trying hard to find a job here, but with this economy it’s practically impossible. So we really don’t know when, if ever, are we going to be able to close the distance, and when you reach certain age you can’t indefinitely postpone things like starting the family we’ve been talking about for years.

He was supporting and caring on the phone and asked me to think if our relationship was still worth it for me (it still is for him). I think it is, but my patience level is below zero right now.

He really loves me, more than I do (and I love him a lot) but I need an objective /plan /whatever to remind me that ahead we have something waiting for us, but I don’t know which objectives we should settled when we don’t know when they could be achieved because they will depend on external factors like finding a job…

So, what should I do? How do you make plans for the future if you don’t know when are going to be accomplished??

[Rugger]

My SO and I are apart for the same reason. The economy sucks and we both can't find good permanent jobs. As soon as one of us finds one, the distance will be closed shortly after. We are always making plans when we really have no idea of the time frame. We aim to be together within the next year or so, but that depends on the job market. It could not happen for two years or could happen in shorter time than what we planned.

Be patient. I know it's hard but if you really want this relationship to work, you have to learn to wait. It's not like he's sitting on his butt not looking for a job. He's trying to get experience to get a job. He's trying to make it work by getting what is needed to obtain a job. He went out of his way to find it ( by moving to Germany). He's trying and you're not making it any easier for him. Try and be supportive.

No one is thrilled at the idea of an LDR. Some people are just not cut out for them. You need to ask yourself if you are.

[Larvitar]

Thank you for your reply. The difference is that I already have a good job. I really don't care about the distance, it is the uncertainty and not being able to make plans what's killing me.

and before you ask… yes, I’m willing to move but under two conditions:

1. It has to be to a country where I could be able to find a job, English speaking and where I could see myself living into. This reduces the possibilities to: Canada, USA, UK and Ireland.

2. If I’m willing to leave a good job, a 10 years career, a great professional prospective, financial security, family and friends… the least I expect is to have a ring on my finger before doing it.

[Rugger]

If you already have a good job, could he not move to you? after he gets his experience?

[Larvitar]

I did ask, but he said that he can't come back without having a job offer here and stay all day doing nothing... :S

[Rugger]

So it may take time, but he's not unwilling? That's a good thing. SO as I said before be patient. He just needs to keep applying where you are.