Will this ruin us?

[lala]

Let's just look at this from the standpoint of being busy, as if it involves any other relationship.

If he worked a separate night shift and coached a sports team in the day time and generally was busy all the time, it would still be hard to have a good opportunity to communicate, right? .... Except that if you guys decided to be in a relationship then you have to make a commitment to each other and MAKE time to communicate. I don't care how busy I get when I have other stuff goming on, LoveJ is my priority so I make as much time for her as humanly possible. And she does the same for me. It's just the way it is when two people are committed to each other. If you want to have a relationship, then fight for it and make it work. But if that determination and commitment and love doesn't flow both ways, then there is really no relationship to worry about in the first place.

You have to make sure that this is isn't a one sided thing that is simply being blinded by the emotion and initial attraction that you're still holding on to from the time you guys spent together last year.

Little example, my dad lives in a foreign country with an 8 hour time difference. We still talk at least every other day and sometimes everyday. We have phone calls and chat sessions when necessary and there is always the instant text message or e-mail. Those are great ways to stay connected and they are an open medium so you should be able to have all of the conversations that you need to have with someone to make sure that this is the road you want to go down.

Take a breather. Hell, take two. Then talk to him directly. Asking others for advice doesn't seem to be working right now.

PS: Don't be scared to argue. If you don't learn to work through differences, you'll never make it. Arguing also lets each of you really see what the other is feeling. It's a great relational resource, if handled properly.

thank you

we communicate better than before or the beginning of when we became LD.. but still I have the feeling as we are not so much connected. Well sometimes there is more time we have to chat or "s*xting".. and some days we have no contact at all and it's hard to deal with it. In the beginning I told him this and it improved.. I just think that there is not much more possible from his side as he has a busy life.

I really have deep feelings for him.. but it's been really a long time we haven't seen eachother and it feels like we get more and more distant (mentally).. and now to face that our time together will be less is just making me afraid that with such a short time we won't et to know eachother. And in the end of the summer I'll have to decide what I'm gonna do after my exam- start working or taking a year off to live with him. and how to make such an important decision if you don't know that person sooo good and you just have such less time to be together?!

[Zapookie]

I personally wouldn't allow myself to get in too deep with someone who wasn't ready to give me their all. He's basically telling you "I'll stick around, but if I bump into someone better than you, see ya!" That's not really a commitment.

If this is going to work, you two need to be committed to EACH OTHER and not even think of dating anyone else. You need to step up the communication and talk about where you stand. You need to figure out whether you feel this relationship is worth the heartache and the lonely nights. If you know that he is the one for you, and could make you happy for the rest of your life, then only seeing him 4 weeks out of the year will be worth it in the end.

[LoveJ]

There comes a point in every relationship where you just don't feel as connected as you usually do. Those times can last as little as 20 minutes to as long as a few days, or even weeks. But if you never feel all that connected, there's a deeper issue at the root, which is likely, as people said above, that he's just not it for you. And him not being it isn't a bad thing; it just means there's someone better for you out there.

From everything I've read of yours, it doesn't sound like you really sync with each other. 4 weeks together is an incredible gift together in an LDR and if having more than that is something you think you need to get to know each other and to succeed, then it's probably not the right thing to do. Like LoveL said above, he and I have only ever had 4.5 days at a time together in person during our visits, and the rest of the time we're either texting, calling, Skyping or emailing. We have busy lives too, but making time for each other has been what's made us so strong. By the time our distance is closed for good, we'll have spent 9 months just doing what we do now. It's never been a doubt for either of us that we'll get through the distance, and that's what makes me concerned about your situation.

If it's right, nothing will stop you from being together when you need to be, and staying together until you can be for good. If only having 4 weeks together instead of 3 months means your relationship will fail, then he's not the one for you. Believe me, I know how hard that is to hear, but like I said, it's not a bad thing. You can care about someone you're not meant to be with, but it doesn't change the fact that you just aren't supposed to be together. It just means there's someone better out there.

If you've decided that you're going to stay with him regardless, use the time until your month together to get to know him; don't wait until then to do it. Write him long emails, call him when you can, text him, Skype with him, do whatever you have to do to really start getting to know him. Otherwise, you run the risk of building this relationship up in your mind of being something far more amazing and whimsical than it actually is, when he might not even be the man you've made him out to be in your mind if you say you still have to get to know him. If that's true, and you don't really know him that well, what are you holding on to so tightly?

[lala]

I know him but I don't think that's enough to do such a decision which will change my life. He is an amazing person..he cared about me when we were CD,he was like the best guy I could imagine.. I guess that's the reason why I can't let go.. He means a lot to me and so do I to him. I can't end it now that's for sure, I'm not ready for it. I'll see and let the summer come. It's either gonna be the best summer or the worst ever. time will show..

[Moon]

lala, you are way, way over thinking this You're talking about a decision that'll change your life, but you aren't even official at this point. You and he not only aren't on the same page with this relationship, you're not even in the same book, I'm afraid. It feels like you might be setting yourself up for a HUGE disappointment, and setting expectations that can't possibly be met.

Relax, take your 3 or 4 weeks, and see how it goes. You're putting in too much too early, y'know? I realize you have strong feelings, but if you can tame them and try to not make a relationship where there isn't one yet, you'll feel so much better.

[lala]

lala, you are way, way over thinking this You're talking about a decision that'll change your life, but you aren't even official at this point. You and he not only aren't on the same page with this relationship, you're not even in the same book, I'm afraid. It feels like you might be setting yourself up for a HUGE disappointment, and setting expectations that can't possibly be met.

Relax, take your 3 or 4 weeks, and see how it goes. You're putting in too much too early, y'know? I realize you have strong feelings, but if you can tame them and try to not make a relationship where there isn't one yet, you'll feel so much better.

with the decision I mean to either take a holiday working visa after I graduate or start working in my profession (which will be like 2 years with some other exams, so that I can't leave the country). So for me it's either closing the distance for one year and see how things work out or end this between us. And therefore I said that actually 4 weeks are too little to get to know eachother better and making such a decision.. Of course I also get to know him through mailing..but that's NOT the same as seeing the person,talking to him and see if his words reflect his actions. In the beginnng I had doubts too that we're not on the same page. He told me that we are, and that I mean the world to him..and that he will come to Europe because of me..

whatever, I slept a night,but still it seams to bother me.. but like you said i will RELAX now and see what time brings

[efish1042]

I didn't read through all the comments, but to "will this ruin us?"
The answer is- YES. If you let it.
Anything can ruin a relationship if you let it. So just don't let this come between you. Talk it out with your SO and figure out if this is worth it to you. LDR's and other unfavorable situations will always break up a couple if it isn't WORTH IT to both parties involved.

[Manoek]

A short summary of our story:
we met last year when I went abroad for 3,5 months and fell in love. when I left he first said that he doesn't want a relationship because I'm going and we were also not official although I stayed a few times at his place and met his parents and family.. before I left he promised me that he will visit me next year (which is this summer). In the beginning we were both depressed because of this LD thing.. I told him that if we want to date other people we should be honest to eachother blabla he agreed. With the time our communication got worse and I got jealous because of things he did on fb and he also had a single status (which he deleted finally when I told him how I felt about it).. some time later I found out that he was on an online dating site..and I told him that it doesn't make sense with us anymore, not just because of this what happened but because of our lack of communication.
He appologized many times and explained to me that I misunderstood but also said that he will respect the decision I make. He told me how much he feels for me and that he's gonna come for three months to Europe.. I still loved him so we continued..in addition our communication got better and it seemed that he found out what he wants.

Yesterday when we chatted he told me about a job opportunity..which would be really great for him and his future, BUT the thing is that he will "only" get 3 WEEKS vacation a year.. I asked him if he then will just be three weeks in Europe and he just wrote me now that it's gonna be at least 4 weeks but he has to talk to his boss.

So that 3 months (like he said) became maybe 4 weeks!!!
I wonder if he just told me this with the 3 months to calm me down and make me believe that he would sacrifice a lot for me? On the other hand he didn't know that he will get this great chance...

I'm happy for him, don't get me wrong but that was not what I expected. I'm replacing an important exam just to have time for him this summer.. I mean it's of course great that I'm gonna to see him, but 4 weeks (I'm sure it will be less..) is so less time to get to know eachother better and maybe make important decissions for life which I wanted to talk with him about..

I have the feeling that this summer will destroy our relationship and will just bring more harm and not joy..
I don't know what to do? Has anybody some advice?

Like i said in the private message. You guys will figure it out! I'm positive!

Nobody said it was easy.. *hug*

[Zephii]

Lala, it's really ok. This is what we call over-reacting.

It's something that frusterates me no end about this site actually - people on the edge of becoming adults not wanting to work because it will take time away from their SO, or thinking three/four weeks holidays aren't good enough etc.

I'm not trying to be insensitive, I do know how you feel. I've done the international-huge-time-difference LDR thing. I know it sucks monkey balls. I know that spending thousands for short visits seems like a waste - but it isn't. It's only a waste if you throw it away.

Most people I know take two week holidays when they are touring other places/countries. It's hugely expensive, but it's still worth it for them, because they do that things they want to do, and see what they want to see. Learn something from this, and do what they do. Make the most of what you have, rather than complaining about what you don't have.

What I'm trying to say here is basically, adults make this shit work. This is the harsh reality of working life - and it will be this much of a pain in your arse even when the two of you have closed the distance. What you need to do is take a deep breath, put on your big-girl pants, and come to grips with your situation. Yes it's disapointing, but it's only the end of your relationship if you want it to be.

[lala]

First of all I'm not a girl who is naive and think that life is a farytale.. The only thing what frustrates me about this site is that people play and act SOOO adult and giving their opinions to someone they don't know and compare their lives with that person. I could just gave a short overview about my situation and my concerns.. Maybe yes I over-reacted a bit but just because I was afraid and frustrated that our plan changed and that it will ruin us.. that's just normal and that's me. And some people here who are LD for 3 years and having different life-styles can't compare themselves with me and my lifestyle. I don't want to spend years and years of my youth to hope for a few weeks seeing a person and maybe in the end being 30 without my SO and crying over my lost years.. I know what I want. And I know that 4 weeks are not enough to make the decision to close the distance, cause that's what we will have to discuss in the summer.. That's nice that some of you are so brave to know that it's this person they want forever to be with, without seeing him/her before or just spent a few weeks in a 4-6 years of LDR.. but that's absolutely not ME. I'm not a dreamer.. of course I'm romantic and also love my SO but I'm not loveblind and unrealistic...

Im sorry if I made some of you angry or upset with my thread as I'm not sharing the same view on some points.. but the only thing what I wanted was to release the pain I felt in the moment and my concerns. I thank you though for some advices which were more appropriate.

[Tooki]

You two need to talk. If the relationship is worth it, then you will accept the 4 weeks and deal with it later on. If you are dead-set determined on living with him, take the working holiday visa. You might end up being able to find long-term work in his country.

And with people offering their opinions? Isn't the advice supposed to draw upon their personal experiences and to offer tips in areas that they have experienced first-hand?

I get your problem with having 3 months reduced to 4 weeks. I'm VERY lucky in that long-term holidays are possible whilst we are students. But by going to Europe for 3 months a year, I sacrifice time to make money. I'm hoping to find some work during semester/mid year to finance that end of year trip. I also understand your desire to have a lot of time together before you consider a move. But some people feel comfortable with it sooner than you do. And regardless of being together in person for 4 weeks or 4 months, it is still a big gamble regardless.

Try laying off the people who are trying to help YOU out.

[lala]

You two need to talk. If the relationship is worth it, then you will accept the 4 weeks and deal with it later on. If you are dead-set determined on living with him, take the working holiday visa. You might end up being able to find long-term work in his country.

And with people offering their opinions? Isn't the advice supposed to draw upon their personal experiences and to offer tips in areas that they have experienced first-hand?

I get your problem with having 3 months reduced to 4 weeks. I'm VERY lucky in that long-term holidays are possible whilst we are students. But by going to Europe for 3 months a year, I sacrifice time to make money. I'm hoping to find some work during semester/mid year to finance that end of year trip. I also understand your desire to have a lot of time together before you consider a move. But some people feel comfortable with it sooner than you do. And regardless of being together in person for 4 weeks or 4 months, it is still a big gamble regardless.

Try laying off the people who are trying to help YOU out.

giving opinion and advice is of course ok as long it's not saying "you are this and that" cause saying how someone is that you don't know is not ok and it's hurtful.

[Bethypoo]

Only 3 weeks? If he's American (or from many other places) that's very, very good for a new job, especially if he's entry level.

That is a lot of time! But I agree with some of the other people, it doesn't seem like you guys are on the same page in terms of what you relationship is and as to its exclusivity. It is possible that he told you something just to get you to calm down. If that is the case however, then there is a problem of communication.

I think your biggest issue is where you stand in your relationship. The time off is something to deal with after you figure out the status of your relationship. One problem at a time.

[lala]

That is a lot of time! But I agree with some of the other people, it doesn't seem like you guys are on the same page in terms of what you relationship is and as to its exclusivity. It is possible that he told you something just to get you to calm down. If that is the case however, then there is a problem of communication.

I think your biggest issue is where you stand in your relationship. The time off is something to deal with after you figure out the status of your relationship. One problem at a time.

We both mean the world to eachother and we don't want to date other people..we will be honest if our feelings change,what haven't happened yet.. so I don't care how we SHOULD call our status, as we both know what we feel and want.people are in excusive relationship and it happens that they break up..
we want to see eachother this summer ans the hell we will! I will talk to him and then we have to see what the best would be.