I don't know what to do =( I need Guys and Girls opinions pleaseeee!

[VRose]

Hey everyone, it's been a while since I've been online on the LFAD forums. How is everyone doing?

I have a teensie problem and I have no idea where to turn to... I hope someone can advise me or say what he or she thinks about it, that'd be very helpful =[

I'm in love with my boyfriend and we're in a relationship (almost 2years and 1 month officially and we're in a LDR for almost 7months)... I sacrificed a lot of my life just to save our relationship, 'cause love isn't everything to keep a relationship stable. you also need time and attention, you know what I mean. I don't hang out with my guyfriends anymore afraid that I'm going to be closer with another guy than my bf, and I don't have any girlfriends 'cause I've been there and I've been hurt. Basically I don't have any real friends, I am friendly to everyone, but not close to anyone else than my bf. I don't hang out at the mall or food courts as I used to, 'cause I might lose valuable chattime with my bf. I don't mind this at all. I don't mind becoming a "cavewoman" because of him .A year ago I had the choice to move to Cuba for 7 years to finish medical college, but I didn't accept it because I know Cuba is different, unstable internet connections, I knew that I wouldn't be able to survive without hearing and seeing my boyfriend. I rejected that offer and stayed in my home country to finish technical college (graduating next year). My bf went to Europe last year to do a higher degree and his study takes 2 years, he's planning on finishing it next year. But he grabs every chance he gets to travel around Europe and wherever (his curiosity for other countries, he also told me that these are once in a lifetime chances), sometimes with friends, sometimes with family and he hangs a lot with his friends, because he feels that he should also spend time with people who are close to him, since they are all there. I have nothing against any of this, I'm also not jealous or anything. But when he's in his "study country" we already don't have a lot of "us" time, 'cause he's always busy with his college stuff and his friends every weekend and when he leaves for other countries, we don't even have time at all, we chat like 5 minutes a day and that's it. I've confronted him with all this, and we even had our first real fight and he told me [out of anger] that he doesn't want to become a "caveman" and with that he meant he doesn't want to hang out in his room to chat with me all day we're still together but those words really hurt me, I haven't forgiving him for saying that yet, he also never said sorry. I don't do things which I know that he won't like and I also don't use our chattime to do anything else [he does, but I don't mind]. I don't want him to stay around all day, but I also don't want us to grow apart. The last time we had a real conversation, was months ago and I miss that. Now we fight all the time, because I'm fighting to keep us together and he always takes steps to make us grow further apart. He feels that we are made for each other and that love will always keep us together, but it all doesn't seem fair to my heart. I don't know what to do, do I let him go everywhere and grow further and further and further apart from him or do I give up on us? I love him with all my heart and I never want to lose him, but I don't want to do all this so he can just live the high life in spite of our relationship diluting more and more each day...

what does sacrifice have to do with love?
I'm so confused right now and normally I talk with my bf about everything, every problem, but as you've guessed it he's pretty busy right now

That's a pretty large post, thank you for taking your time and reading it and I would appreciate it if you'd leave your thoughts on this. please do...

[Jassy_love]

Honestly even if you don't mind it's not cool for him to do all those things, while you're like a cave woman .... I say you go out & do you just like he's doing him. In the end if you break up ( wich I hope doesn't happen) you won't feel bad for wasting your life....

[Kristin91]

I don't think you should sacrifice your life for him, which is what it sounds like you're doing. You need to find something that you enjoy (take a yoga class, or a painting class, or go running...). Get a hobby that you can put time and effort into that will also help you feel accomplished about yourself. Not only does it help the time between visits go by faster, but then you don't have to spend all day in your room waiting to talk to your SO. Just something to think about... Good luck, and I'm always around if you want to talk

[efish1042]

Find something to keep yourself occupied. Whether that's making friends, finding a hobby, or something else, you need to find something to be your outlet other than your bf. You need something else to take up your time because he is not devoting all of his time to you, so why should you devote all of your time to him? I know that sounds petty, but it's true.
Maybe if he sees that you won't always be available for those 5 min a day that he wants to chat, he might begin to see how you feel. I had a similar problem with my SO at one time and I just seriously backed off until he came to me. I'm going to tell you that it isn't easy at all. For me, I was always thinking about him and had to force myself NOT to contact him.
However, it gives you a life outside of your SO which is something everybody needs, whether they recognize it or not. Also it will give you a chance to see if he is just taking the fact that you are always ready to talk for those brief moments for granted or if he is losing interest. I think it is the first one. Typically when the person has something else to keep them busy, they don't appreciate that their SO is mostly sitting around waiting for them to make time for them. So just stay busy yourself and see how things pan out.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I'm really sorry, but I'm about to sound really mean. You feel like your relationship is falling apart? It's probably because you're being clingy. You want to spend all your time with him, and he wants to live a little. I think the real issue is what you're doing, more than what he's doing.
You are making your whole life about him right now - what you're doing is making your choices concerning your education, work, and even down to who you're friends with, about him. That is unhealthy. He doesn't want to be a 'caveman'. He doesn't want you to be a 'cavewoman'. He wants you to be as happy and stable as you can be with him gone, because he cares about you. And he doesn't want to be wasting his opportunity to make the most of studying overseas by spending all his free time attached to his computer. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or doesn't care about you.
You're putting yourself in a dangerous position by cutting yourself off from the people around you. You shouldn't be actively choosing to not have some good mates around you to help support you. I know you don't want to think about it, but what if the worst happens, and you and your SO split up? Who is going to be around to support you when you're upset? Who are you going to turn to to help cheer you up? What are you going to do to make yourself feel better? Even if you and your SO end up staying together forever, what are you going to do, spend all your time with your SO just so you won't accidentally have friends outside of your relationship?
Your SO should not be your entire world. They should be important. You should love them and want to be with them, and it's fine to feel miserable because you miss them. It's normal.
But your SO can't solve everything. Your SO is not the answer to all your problems.

I can't comment on communication issues between you and your SO, because I'm pretty alarmed by the rest of what you've said. I can't actually tell what degree is you feeling rejected by him, because he's not spending the amount of time you think she should be with you, or him actually neglecting you.

I'm sorry, I have sounded really harsh. I'm scared for you. I've been in this position, and it went badly badly wrong for me.

[digitalfever]

I think you are dependent on your boyfriend and that shouldn’t be the case. I think first and foremost you need friends. Everyone needs friends. I don’t think having your boyfriend as your only friend during a LD is healthy nor is it conducive to living a happy and well rounded life. Your boyfriend cannot be your life and right now his behavior is stating that he doesn’t want to be. You need to form bonds with other people. Hang out at the mall, go shopping and do things you would do before him. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean giving up who you are as an individual OR giving up your goals and dreams.
Your boyfriend is trying to tell you to find a life of your own. You need to have a life that he’s involved in but he’s not the focal point.

[Zephii]

I'm sorry, but he has the right of it. It's not healthy and not good for your relationship to give everything up for him, and probably part of the reason he's so lax about finding time for you is he knows you'll always be there - that you will drop everything for that conversation, you will be waiting.

With that said, you can still have conversations with people when yo're traveling. You can still make time. You can get up half an hour earlier, or talk on the bus, or you can send your thoughts in a long detailed email. "I'm busy" is never really a good excuse. - See where I'm going with this? It's not ok to expect him to stay at home and talk to you - but it is ok to expect him to make time to talk to you. Additionally, it's fine to remind him that YOU are his friend too, and he makes time for his other friends.

You do need to stop living for him though, there'll be time enough for that later

[Zapookie]

I second what everyone else has said.

It's not healthy to cut yourself off from everyone else and just depend on your boyfriend. I have a friend who is in a relationship, and she and her boyfriend are CD, they see each other a few times a week. Since getting into this relationship a few months ago, she has not made time for her friends. She always flakes on us when we plan things so that she can hang out with her boyfriend instead (because she thinks she doesn't get to see him often enough). In fact, I always offer her my advice whenever she comes to me because she's having relationship troubles - any other time, she doesn't talk to me or anyone else.

What I'm saying is, that when you're in a relationship, you need to find a balance. A balance between yourself and your partner. You need to still have a life of your own in which you enjoy doing the things that you love and making time for the other people in your life.

[temporaryuser]

there is nothing wrong wioth having guy friends when you are in a relationship. If you develop feelings for another, then the feelings you thought you had for your bf werent that strong to begin with. Is that what you are afraid of? Afraid that someone else may give you more attention, show you the affection that you are missing? If you have existing friends, and you make it clear that you are in a committed relationship, you should have nothing to worry about. You need to get out and talk to other people. hang out with others. It is unhealthy mentally and physically to hide in your home and simply wait for thoise few minutes that you may or may not get to talk to your boyfriend. Is that what you want from him? If you had the chance to travel, and study abroad, and it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, would you want him to sit at home and mope and be miserable? I would hope not.

[RyanD]

I just joined so I could post this very same thing. My girlfriend seems to be behaving exactly like your boyfriend, and I seem to behave exactly like you. I know exactly how you feel, and for a lack of better words, it simply sucks. It hurts me, and whenever I desperately try to explain it to her, it's a one way road. It's like what I'm saying is a foreign language and she simply doesn't understand. Our 'us' time is turning into 'her' time to do whatever else she likes except for having fun like we used to have. We are simply running in circles. You must feel like you're the only one who cares about the relationship?

Basically we have the same issue. I'm planning on stepping back like all of the suggestions and I'm going to see if she'll take the wheel and steer us back on track. I've done my part, and I'm sure you have too. If she actually loves me like she insists she does, then she'll realize my issue when I pull back. I'd suggest you do the same. Find a hobby, do something, do anything!! Anything except let yourself get controlled by how he acts. Of course you love him, and that won't change. Have him prove to you how much he loves you, he sounds like he really does, just provide him with an 'ultimatum' for say.

Send me a message, and we can strategize together. It makes me feel better already that someone is in the same boat as me. Keep us/me posted! Best of luck!

[VRose]

@Jessy_Love hello ... my point exactly! after I posted this thread, I decided to do exactly what he's doing to me... and it turned out to be one wonderful day esp when he texted me at the end of the day wondering where the hell I was all day

---------- Post added at 01:51 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:48 AM ----------

thanks Kristin91, I'm trying to do something with my time, still figuring out my hobby, but I'll get there

---------- Post added at 01:54 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:51 AM ----------

efish1042 thank you! yes I forced myself today not to contact him and I saw the results instantly...and yes I am trying to live a little, it's hard. but I'm going for it... just hoping we'll stay together :>

[VRose]

Biddlybiddlybombop thank you... your post def made me think... I had mates, but they're not supportive, they don't get the idea of LDR, they're so negative about it ... that's one of the reasons why I'm just... friendly. and other mates, the guys all they do is flirt in spite of me being in an awesome relationship, that sucks, so there is no way I'm hanging out with them. I actually do get support from my parents, and yes you're right... I shouldn't make him my entire world [as much as I want to]

---------- Post added at 03:03 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:59 AM ----------

thank you digitalfever, I've had friends but I've been backstabbed, I've been used and one of them even cheated with the other ones bf, I can't trust people easily. I've been through so much, that I just kinda quit being great close friends with anyone... I know not every one is like this, I think I need time before I can call someone my 'real friend' ... and yes you're right, I shouldn't make him my focal point...

---------- Post added at 03:07 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:03 AM ----------

zephii thank you, I've been trying to tell myself that last sentence too, I'm just afraid that if we're both too busy for eachother that we'll fall apart ;( and lol yeah I told him last week that he doesn't make time for his other friend [me] and he told me that he's gonna fix it all... i dont know how, i dont know when, I just want us to be a little like old times...

---------- Post added at 03:10 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:07 AM ----------

thank you zapookie! I kinda was friendless and alone and hurt by best friends when "we made our move" so I didn't actually take any friend time... altho Now I try to hang out with my classmates after classes and stuff, seeing how it all works out...

[Zephii]

Good on you! I don't think you's will fall about because you're openly talking about these problems, and most of the time that's all it really takes

[VRose]

thanks subeasley! No I wouldn't ever want him to be miserable or mope

---------- Post added at 03:19 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:15 AM ----------

hello Ryan D, thanks for your comment. and yes I've carefully read all the suggestions, some very hard to do, but I gotta do what I gotta do... it makes me feel better too, I didn't think there was anyone else going through the same thing, 'cause yes I admit, I'd give my all for love

---------- Post added at 03:20 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:19 AM ----------

thanks again Zephii! it feels so much better talking about it here than hurting myself inside x)

[Kiyama]

I agree with what the others said.
I want to add that once you start living your own life again, suggest a date night to your SO and I'm pretty sure he'll then be ready to accept it and you get to speak to him for longer periods of time than just a few minutes.
I know what I'm talking about because of a 9 hour time difference my SO and I sometimes only get to speak a few minutes a day when we're both busy during the week. It's frustrating. So the weekend and our date night is the time we can actually talk and it's very precious to me.
Having said that the first thing for you to do is to become more independent. You are strng and there are a lot of lovely people out there. It's hard when you get hurt but don't judge everybody in that experience. Keep yourself busy with your job and maybe start a new hobby. You'll see how much better you'll soon feel. Good luck with everything.