Communication dilemma

[Bethypoo]

I know I am a big preacher of communication, but my SO and I are having a communication dilemma and are going in circles.

My SO has a hard time speaking out. It is really easy for him to shut down and just stay silent and then I get mad at him. As a child he was abused by both of his parents SOs (they were divorced) and his parents knew about it and did nothing. He was always told that neither he nor his opinion mattered. Because of this, I understand why he has a hard time communicating and how it is so easy to shut down.

BUT! No matter what I have done and how many times we have talked about it, it wont change. He is aware of it and that it is causing a problem and we are still in the same spot. It is really starting to cause a problem.

Does anyone else have a SO with this problem/ If so, is it still an issue? If it is how does it affect your relationship? If it isn't a problem, how did it come to change?

Any advice from anyone is welcome!

[Shepard-Fowkes]

Has he talked to a professional (therapist, etc) to try to resolve those feelings of not being able to speak out for himself? If he has and it still hasn't changed anything, then I'd figure that it might just now be an ingrained part of his personality. Be as supportive as you can be when he speaks to you so he knows that he's safe. Especially listen to him if he's talking about something that he's very passionate about. Is he interested in politics or advocacy? That might be a good place for him to start finding his voice. If he has the time and money, he might be able to enroll in a public speaking class. That helps so much with confidence too.

[Zephii]

I've never been in a situation that extreme, but my sugestion is having a "something we are not talking about box". It's something Obi and I have done from time to time, it takes the pressure off. No, it doesn't have to be a real box - though that might work for some people.

How we do it is one of us will write a letter, and in the corners we'll draw the symbol we have, so we know it's a "box" issue. Sometimes the writer will set rules for that specific box issue, for example, the reader wouldn't be allowed to address the issue verbally and must write back. Or the reader was only allowed to read, not ask questions.etc
One of the key rules we had for the box was that the issue in the box was not allowed to bleed into other areas of life/conversation until resolved.

We did this because it gave us a way to still communicate where we both knew we must take it seriously, and where the reason we were afraid to talk about the issue would be removed. For example sometimes I'm afraid to tell him something because he'll laugh at me, or I might have been afraid it was "too soon" in the relationship.

Of course, this works for us because we find it easier to communicate in the written word rather than verbally, and we find it easier not to deal with problems in 'real time' where we need to come up with a fast answer. I don't know if your SO would go for it, but maybe it's worth a shot.

[Bethypoo]

Zephii: I have a box but that usually pertains more to my dad and myself and it works REALLY well. But that isnt the problem. He wants to be able to talk things threw but cant figure out how.

Shepard...: He did as a child/teenager but as a forced thing his parents did and it didn't work out well. because if you don't want to be there and work on things then it wont help. My therapist recommended therapy for us when we close the distance but i think a lot of the issue will be resolved when he figures out what works best for him. The thing is, my way works and when he does it, we don't fight, we communicate well and he loves it. But then there are times the old way of doing things (shutting down) takes over. And he says he does it to avoid fighting but thats what we end up doing. Its a circle. Its killin' me.

We have about 2 weeks left until we close the distance for at least 3months but most likely for good. We just have to make it through those two weeks. This distance is at the point where I am going INSANE! I got spoiled seeing him once a month. But then you take that way and OMG!

[Kristin91]

I had a hard time talking openly about my ex (he was abusive as well), among other things, and the biggest thing that helped was my boyfriend was super supportive and really encouraging about being open and telling him everything I'm feeling. Sometimes I still have a hard time talking with him immediately, and I hide my face in the pillow and he'll turn to me and say "Please don't hide... no hiding..." *shrug* it works for me

[digitalfever]

This might be a bad idea but I had a friend that used to write the points he wanted to make down and would read them.

[temporaryuser]

My so is HUGE on communication. I was always quiet and shy, and hated to speak up. For me it took months of writing emails after we would talk to get my thoughts out. We would talk for an hour or so, and he knew it would take time for everything to sink in and I had trouble verbalizing what I wanted to say. So as things came to me I would write them down in an email. I had the time to think thru what I wanted to say. He took the time not to pressure me, and would come back after reading the email and we would talk about what I had said. Depending on the discussion this could go on for a while. Over time, I got more comfortable verbalizing. There are still times that I am better at writing things down.