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    #1

    He's thinking of leaving.... :'(

    So my guy and I have been dating for 3 years (2 years LD). So he recently moved to Massachusetts (4 hrs from me) and we see each other about once a month (one weekend). He just told me that he's unhappy and doesn't know what to do. He loves me and doesn't want to leave but he wants to be able to spend time and hang out with the person he is dating. We will be in a LDR for at least another 5 years while he finishes his Ph.D and I have to teach in NYS for the next 5 years. We talk all the time but I understand how it's not the same. He is currently trying to fix his internet to allow us to talk on webcam more often but I hate him being unhappy and feeling like I can't do anything. We can try and see each other more but he's super busy. I don't know what else to do or say and we pretty much left it as it's his call since I am handling the LDR better apparently (I have my own coping mechanisms). Any and all advice is need/appreciated.
    Tags: advice, leaving
    #2
    Did he give any indication of how long he's been feeling this way? If it's a pretty recent thing it could be a transient waver of his resolve, which I daresay we've all suffered from at one point or another. When faced with the prospect of several more years at a distance, it's easy to end up overcome by hopelessness. My SO and I can't be sure of when we'll be able to close the miles; after we pass the two year mark this summer, we'll most probably be facing anything between a further 3 and 5 years. If we were to concentrate on that reality we'd end up pretty depressed too!

    I think you need to have an honest talk with your boyfriend about how you're both feeling. Communication is of course the cornerstone of any strong relationship, all the more when it's a long distance one. I'd ask him if he can think of anything which you could improve as a couple which might help him cope better with the distance (perhaps saving up for less frequent but longer visits, more webcam conversations as you mentioned, etc.) and see what he says. You may have your own methods of dealing with being in an LDR, but that can't be held against you. If your boyfriend is at least willing to try and find a way which works for him to cope with the situation, don't lose hope. You won't know if that's the case unless you speak to him though, and I'd say it's worth a shot. You don't have anything to lose, after all. I wish you the very best!

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      #3
      Do you have any vacation time? Maybe spend a week at his place on occasion?
      " There is always hope.
      "

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        #4
        I don't understand.... how long has he been dating and did you know about this?
        Three words. Fill my racing mind. Leave me breathless. Lost in time.
        Three words. Fill my endless dreams. Repair my heart. Mend the seams.
        Three words. Fill your heart too. Three words pronounced. I love you.

        ~~~~~~

        You look in the mirror, you don't like what you see, don't believe it.
        Look in my eyes, I am the only mirror you're ever gonna need.



        Met online: 12/24/10 Met In Person: 2/24/11 Distance Closed: 4/24/11
        Not one regret, not one backwards look, only towards the future and beyond!

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          #5
          we've been dating for 3 (going on 4) years and LDR for about 2. He literally told me this last night. But I think he's under a lot of stress from school and it's shaking his resolve but I don't know what to do to help.

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            #6
            we have our school breaks but they don't match up. and we have issues of time. he has so much school work to do and I tell him we can do homework while I'm there but he i guess doesn't get much relief from that thought....

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              #7
              I'm confused - you're in a LDR but he's dating someone else?

              Became a couple: March 17th, 2010
              Started our college long distance relationship: August 2011
              Surprise engagement in Disneyworld! : March 22nd, 2013
              Closed the distance: May 2nd, 2014
              Became his wife and started our happily ever after!: May 17th, 2014

              Comment

                #8
                So, you're in a LDR but he's dating someone else? Did I get that right?

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                  #9
                  No I see how that's mixed up now. No we are dating exclusively but what he means is he wants to be able to hang out with the person he is dating (i.e. me) regularly. I only get to go up one weekend every month

                  Comment

                    #10
                    I agree with lademoiselle.
                    I also think, however, that the distance is one thing you can only temporarily patch over - ultimately, you have five more years of this. And if he's saying he's unhappy after two years of long distance, it's not like he hasn't at least given the distance a go. I agree, you can try and ask him what he thinks you could do to make things easier, but I'm pretty sure his answer is going to be something along the lines of "more visits/longer visits/stay with me here, forever" - y'know, stuff that's pretty difficult. If it's possible to do some more visiting, go for it. It might give him a boost and make him feel more secure.
                    Word of warning - you can't force someone to want to do this. Just because he loves you doesn't mean that he can cope with the distance. Give him an opportunity to say what he wants and try out some new ideas. But if he's unhappy... there's only so much you can do, without pushing him into this and making him resent you.
                    Good luck. I really hope that this works out for you.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Originally posted by daydreamer0825 View Post
                      No I see how that's mixed up now. No we are dating exclusively but what he means is he wants to be able to hang out with the person he is dating (i.e. me) regularly. I only get to go up one weekend every month
                      Oh okay. Then I agree with the rest of the advice. Sorry I got confused!

                      Became a couple: March 17th, 2010
                      Started our college long distance relationship: August 2011
                      Surprise engagement in Disneyworld! : March 22nd, 2013
                      Closed the distance: May 2nd, 2014
                      Became his wife and started our happily ever after!: May 17th, 2014

                      Comment

                        #12
                        4 hours? If there a reason you can't be there every weekend? Vehicle issues or schedule or what? 4 hours is an easily manageable gap given should you want to make it a priority.

                        Offering that option might also really help boost his LDR hit points.

                        Seriously, if LoveJ was within an 8 hour range, there is nothing that would keep me from being there every weekend. Even 12 hours would get me there at least once per month.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Originally posted by LoveL View Post
                          4 hours? If there a reason you can't be there every weekend? Vehicle issues or schedule or what? 4 hours is an easily manageable gap given should you want to make it a priority.

                          Offering that option might also really help boost his LDR hit points.

                          Seriously, if LoveJ was within an 8 hour range, there is nothing that would keep me from being there every weekend. Even 12 hours would get me there at least once per month.
                          With the current price of gas, 4 hours sounds pretty far to me! I drive an hour to college every day and it kills my wallet.

                          Became a couple: March 17th, 2010
                          Started our college long distance relationship: August 2011
                          Surprise engagement in Disneyworld! : March 22nd, 2013
                          Closed the distance: May 2nd, 2014
                          Became his wife and started our happily ever after!: May 17th, 2014

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Originally posted by floridaellen View Post
                            With the current price of gas, 4 hours sounds pretty far to me! I drive an hour to college every day and it kills my wallet.

                            Depending on what you're driving 280 miles or so in one direction is a lot cheaper than flying and if you split that cost with your SO you're talking about maybe $200 per month each. As a math problem, I think that's totally worth a little relationship maintenance. Even if it's only for a couple of months. It's a hell of a lot cheaper than a plane ticket or even bus fare.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Gas really kills both of us. it's about $35 both ways and I currently don't have a full time job (I substitute teach but that's $99 a day if they call me in). It's really expensive and we both don't have time to do every weekend. Maybe every other at BEST but he's in a Ph.D program and a lot of his laboratory work is on the weekends. We are currently working on doing homework together while I'm there but it kind of kills the time we have (like we don't want to be doing homework when we could be kicking each others' butts at Mario Party or something lol)

                              ---------- Post added at 09:49 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:47 PM ----------

                              Plus, I think he was uber stressed and that's what was making him unhappy. I tried sending these little videos saying have a good day and blahblahblah but he never says anything about them... and I feel bad asking after each one "did you get my video?....did you get my video?.... did you get my video?" lol

                              Comment

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