It's Been Over 4 Months, Still Dying Inside

[alliecat22]

I ended it with him over 4 months ago, and maybe I'm just experience delayed reaction but I'm still completely dying inside. To sum it up I ended a really difficult 1yr+ long LDR because he didn't love me in the same way that I loved him. He loved me in his own way, just not the way that I did, and the discrepancy was one I couldn't live with after moths of being tortured in an unhappy relationship.

It was the hardest thing to do to end things with someone you are completely and utterly in love with, because you know rationally that it is the healthiest thing to do for you. The head fighting the heart. I was always a dreamer that thought the heart would always win...but I've never endured so much pain and heartbreak over unrequited love.

Just like that damn Gotye song, I did exactly that---I cut him completely off--I couldn't handle being friends right away just like he wanted, and of course he is pissed about it. But I don't know if I can ever be friends with him or really get over him.

I miss him so terribly much and I just want to be over it so I can have him in my life again--even if it's just as friends. I don't want to lose him forever. However, I know I'm not ready---all I think about is the possibility of us being together in the future...in some dream where years down the line we both grow and mature from all the shit that's happened and can actually have a real shot--where we are in the same place.

I've NEVER been one to think about kids or marriage, but with him suddenly I did (that is a MAJOR deal for me). I wanted things I've never wanted in my life before, and I feel like I had to give everything up for my own sanity. But my heart breaks every day, even if it's subconsciously. I feel like we belong together, I feel rather hopeless to be frank. I've tried to deal and move on--everyone just says it takes time, but frankly it's utterly unbearable.

I never even got to see him for the last time---I never got the closure. It pains me inside because I know when I ended it he tried so hard to keep things going. Then later he lashed out at me and said he didn't love me or want to be with me (I'm sure he was just hurt because i completely isolated him from each others' lives). Still it hurts. Salt in the wound.

I can't help but feel self-deprecating, and just want to rot in my own sadness. Sometimes you just have to cry and feel bad even though your mind is just like "suck it up"...i know. I just need to rant, I just need to cry and feel completely horrible and hopeless..at least then I'm feeling something rather than trying to pretend I'm strong and fine and everything is ok and I can do better and find someone who loves me like I love them.

But I always find myself here in the end. Utterly in love. Utterly heartbroken. Forever hopeful.

[MeganK]

im sorry to hear that.
wounds will heal.
did u try talking to him before u ended it?
to see what his side was?

just have faith and be patient, a man will come one day
who will want to kiss the ground u walk on.
ull be happy again one day. (=
stay strong!

[lademoiselle]

Oh honey, I'm really sorry... I could literally feel the pain in your post as I read it!

I agree with the previous poster that time is indeed a great healer, and without a doubt you'll meet someone sooner or later with whom you'll feel that connection you're looking for. However, I know that's cold comfort when you're suffering here and now. When a serious relationship comes to an end, one goes through a grieving process of sorts; the time it takes for that phase to be over varies between people, so don't worry about counting the months wich have elapsed since you and your ex went your separate ways. Take as long as you need to work through your thoughts and feelings, and I think you're right that trying to be friends with your ex at this point in time would be counterproductive (for both of you). You mentioned being unable to obtain a sense of closure; do you feel the need to see him again to achieve that? Personally, I believe that sort of peace comes from within and you can find it yourself, although it's bound to take time. You've cut contact with your ex and I think it would be better to keep it that way - for now, at least.

Concentrate on looking after yourself for a while. Do all the things you enjoy; turn to your family and friends for support (if possible), as they can be of invaluable help when you're feeling low like this. Don't try to rush feeling better, as that can't happen until you're ready deep down... rest assured though that such a time will come! Right now, your heart needs a big hug, and nobody can give that to it better than you. I'm sending lots of love and good wishes your way. Hope you turn this corner very soon