When daily life gets in the way

[Kiyama]

I'm hoping for a bit of advice here and maybe I also need to vent a little
My SO and I both have busy jobs, however, this month it has been particularly bad, especially for him. There is somethhing special going on at his work and he doesn't know yet when it's going to be over. We usually get to speak at least half an hour a day but now we are down to a couple of minutes or so and then he either needs to go to a meeting or to bed (8hour time difference atm). I am understanding and supportive but it's so frustrating. I don't even get any emails anymore from him. Just a whatsapp message now and then.
I've had a rough time recently because my dad had a heart attack and my brother isn't well either and has to go to hospital + I have my work load on top of that. I try not to think about it as much because if I let all these emotions through I feel like I'm going to drown in them.
So I have moments I think I'd be less alone without a relationship because being together and yet be alone is almost worse. I'm scared we grow apart if this goes on and I already realize there is so much unmentioned because in the few minutes we get there is no time for a proper conversation. On hour date night last weekend he was basically ill and called it off after an hour. Our only time we actually get to speak for a whole night
I don't blame him for any of this but I think the whole situation puts a strain on our relationship. I would like to let it go and lower my expectations but then again I would even less feel like in a relationship anymore. With someone I don't get to talk to, I even don't need to talk to anymore because I've learned to do without him. I'm worried we'll loose our connection and I don't know how I can go on like this for another year or so.
Then I get days when I'm strong and I can say that it's all going to be ok but right now I can't. Right now I feel lost.
How do you guys cope when you feel like that?

[Tommybat]

What I do when me and my SO are too busy to talk is send them a really long message on FB or an email or make a long post on our virtual journal that we have talking about my day and asking about theirs. Maybe try that? That makes me feel better when we can't talk everyday.
Sometimes our personal lives can get in the way, but just try to work with it to the best of your abilities. Communication is key. Let him know how you feel and suggest the message/email thing? Hope this helps!! Im sorry about your family troubles sending you positive thoughts! If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to message me.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I don't know what to tell you, because I'm in a similar situation right now. I'm also on an 8 hour time difference.
It gets to me, and sometimes I don't even want to talk, because I find it depressing how minimal our conversations have to be. I know what you mean about it almost being worse being together and still being alone. More depressingly, tomorrow is our one-year-anniversary, and fridays happen to be our least-likely-to-talk-at-all days. *sigh*.

One ray of hope I see in your situation is "Date Night". I'm interpreting this as a once-a-week thing? You're probably low, because if you're both busy, you've been missing each other on non-date nights. And if it was last weekend he was sick, it'll have been... two weeks since you've had a chance for a proper conversation? And that's a pretty long time. You're due for a relationship-refuelling. Hold on until your next arranged date night. If you don't have one arranged, try and arrange one. Then, you'll 1. have something to look forward to to keep your mind off things, 2. have time with your SO to look forward to and 3. be a little bit more secure about the next time you'll be able to have some time together. I think that might take the pressure off a little. If things are really heading towards a split, I figure that you'll know after you get a chance to relax with him. If things are really changing beyond the relationship you want and know, spending time together should highlight that. If it's just your mental state and lack of contact that's making you feel this way, rather than your feelings or personalities actually growing apart, spending time together would highlight that instead.
I'm wishing you the best.

[LoveL]

Yeah, you need a chance to talk again and refuel before you go off thinking that the relationship is coming to an end.

Even talking about the possibility of ending the relationship because it is hard sometimes indicates that you're either feeling very very blue and need to change something right now or that you really aren't all that into the guy. If you are truly committed to each other, then a short period of time apart shouldn't sway you from each other. (And I use the word "short" in a relative way. Big picture, if he is busy for....let's say 3 months... what is that, really, when compared to the rest of your life together?)

I think the fact that he squeezes in Whatsapp messages when he can and tries to still squeeze in short phone calls is a good indicator that he's still on board. He's not pulling away. If he was, those little messages throughout the day would stop. Right now, they indicate that he's still thinking about you all the time.

LoveJ and I are lucky in that we manage to get several hours together every single day. But there are weekends where my schedule simply doesn't let me communicate with her the way that I want to or the way that we are accustomed to. And even those days are hard. But we always know that whenever there is a window of time, we will be messaging each other until we can finally have good face-time again.

Like I said, the fact that he messages you when he can is a good thing. Don't let the daily separation break your commitment. Just get yourself busy in the meantime. Focusing on something else for a brief period of time doesn't mean that you love each other any less.

[Bethypoo]

I agree with the post that suggests writing an email or message of some sort. Take it as a way to mix up the communication method. I mean, like you said, it isnt his fault and it is just a really hectic time right now. So just try writing to him and have communication that way for a while. It may take more time for responces, or it may take less. But either way, it is a form of communication.

There are always phases where stuff like this really tests your relationship. And dont get me wrong. I am the first to admit that I got so frustrated after so long that I about failed that test and gave up. But dont do that. It isnt worth it.

Good luck and try to not dwell on it

[littleblue]

OK, this was literally me in pretty much every way a few weeks back.

My SO works long hours, and only gets sundays off and like you, my Dad has been very ill. I don't have such a big time difference to deal with though and I can only imagine that doesn't help things.

I got to a point where I was so down about my situation that I ended up blurting it all out in a phone call to my SO. I was completely honest and said I couldn't do our relationship if it carried on the way it was, because I couldn't. When you're in a LDR, the only thing you have is communication and its really important. In my case, telling my bf exactly how I felt really did work, so if you haven't already, I really would recommend talking to him.

I don't get to talk on the phone to my bf everyday, but I told him I at least need to hear from him in some way and I need to know he's there. A relationship is a 2-way thing and you need to share the good AND bad things in your lives. Talking to my SO also meant that I heard his side of things, and actually that made things a little easier for me, because I understood what was going on on his part a little better.

The biggest problem is how to cope though, because EVERYONE is different. I can't distract myself easily, and he's always on my mind, but I try and break everything down: I try to focus on our next visit and in between take it day by day, and break my day up as well. I force myself to distract myself with anything. I travel home every weekend to spend time with my best friends and family too while he isn't here.

Its really god that you have a date night. Don't get too disheartened that the last one didn't work out so good. Try and look forward to the next one, if you can

[Kiyama]

Thanks for all your answers.
It's so good to know I'm not alone and people can relate to what I experience.
I have already suggested to keep in touch via email and he thinks it's a good idea. Theoretically. But so far we haven't agreed on anything specific and he keeps hinting how little time he has when I mention he hasn't replied to an email I sent him two weeks ago (he replied to two other ones so I can't really complain). But maybe I have to stress more how important it would be or me to get a daily update.

@biddlybiddlybombop: I totally know this feeling that you'd rather not talk at all. But for me the thought of that makes me usually feel a lot worse so I don't dare to ever mention is thought. Also out of fear to drift apart even further. However, now I'm wondering whether trying it to would be so bad after all. Maybe it takes the pressure off a little bit and the expectation of disappointment I inevitably experience when we have to stop talking after five minutes. Sunday night (and well Sunday morning for him) is our regular date night but at the moment I'm so depressed I can't get excited about it and we haven't had the chance to talk long enough to make any plans

@LoveL: I think it is me feeling very blue. I get periods when I'm quite depressed and then it's hard for me to feel much but I know he means the world to me. Thanks for your perspective. It was refreshing to read.

@littleblue: we've already discussed this whole time issue and he knows I'm unhappy about it but there isn't really anything he can do. Well maybe I can stress more how down I feel. I am quite distracted with my job fortunately and at weekends I meet friends so I can't dwell on things too much. I hope your dad will be better soon. I can feel with you.

[temporaryuser]

I know how you feel. SO is a firefighter/paramedic full time, a cop part time, and he is working on his master to be a nurse practitioner. There are times he gets held over at work for 2 days (working 48+ hours straight). Certain classes require 10-15 hours of study a week. he also has an 8 yo daughter that he needs to talk to and spend time with.
There are times when he is either too busy, or jusy p[lain exhausted and cant talk.
I too get periods of being very clingy and needy. Other times I completely understand his inability to talk.
I too rely more on email durring the times he cant talk. Communication is definitely the key. You have to let him know how you feel. SO understood much better when I finally came out and said I was feeling needy as opposed to just saying I need to hear from you more.