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Is it weird that I just don't want to talk to him?

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    #1

    Is it weird that I just don't want to talk to him?

    Usually I'd be dying to talk to my boyfriend, even if we were fighting or something. He kind of pissed me off last night--it was stupid. We were on AIM. He had spent an hour or so with just being difficult with me--banter that we typically do. It got the point where I was just annoyed to no end with him because all he kept saying for the span of 15 minutes was "uh huh." He knows I hate it. i've told him countless times how much I do. So I straight up told him to talk to me again when his vocabulary had increased. He said NOTHING for ten minutes and then said he was tired and going to bed. I asked why and we actually got a conversation going. I said something about it and he said that it was really time for him to go because he could tell he was tired because conversation had started. He then said that in the words of some girl in my brother's class back home (My boyfriend now lives with my grandparents) that "Conversation was icky." I asked why the girl had suddenly come up and he said "uh huh." I lost it and told him to just go to bed. Then he just signed off with a "k, night."

    We've talked countless times about how our communication sucks when we're apart. We've both thrown out ideas for how to make it better. When I try to use the things we've agreed on that may work out for us, he shoots me down. He NEVER initiates any conversation and I'm honestly getting sick of it. I realize that his "conversation is icky" comment was meant to be funny, but in context and with how I'm feeling I don't see it as funny at all. It's really hurtful in a way. I feel like I'm the only one trying to fix a problem we're both very aware of.

    I have no intention of throwing in the towel. I just don't feel like talking to him if I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me. I don't know maybe I'm being overly sensitive and expecting too much from him, but it would be nice to feel like he wants to TALK and have an actual CONVERSATION with me. He's the one who brought up the fact that we don't talk like we used to when we first got together and were CD. I know the distance would have put a strain on it, but I would expect the person who said he had a specific problem with it to put in more effort in that area.

    Am I just being stupid?
    ". . . We obviously have to come to accept it, but that doesn't stop it from gnawing at us day by day.
    The best we can do is enjoy our time together, anticipate our reunions, and remain passionate and loyal through distance." ~Mike <3



    ~*~11.21.2010~*~
    Tags: None
    #2
    My SO does the same thing. Drives me nuts... it's easier when we're Skyping, because then I can at least see his face. (He's a hardcore multi-tasker. He can't ever just be doing one thing at a time, he always has to be doing about 3 things. TV/video games, being online, eating & talking to me. All at the same time.)

    We do have actual conversations once in a while, and it's fantastic when we do. I completely understand that you're frustrated-once in a while I don't want to talk to him either. You'll get through it. I've been through it and I know I'll have to go through it again, but I know my SO & I are meant to be together and we will be okay.

    You gotta have faith that you'll make it through this. (You will.)


    2016 Goal: Buy a house.
    Progress: Complete!

    2017 Goal: Pay off credit card debt
    Progress: Working on it.

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      #3
      Just relax ! ,
      maybe give him a call and ask him how his day has been ect , Reassure him you love him and that everything is going to be okay !
      its the best medicine

      Comment

        #4
        Originally posted by jordangaiger View Post
        Just relax ! ,
        maybe give him a call and ask him how his day has been ect , Reassure him you love him and that everything is going to be okay !
        its the best medicine
        I would, but his phone crapped out on Friday.
        ". . . We obviously have to come to accept it, but that doesn't stop it from gnawing at us day by day.
        The best we can do is enjoy our time together, anticipate our reunions, and remain passionate and loyal through distance." ~Mike <3



        ~*~11.21.2010~*~

        Comment

          #5
          It's always different for everyone, but in my case, when that happens (and believe me it pisses me off to death to the point I could cry), not talking to him hurts me even more. The more I avoid him the larger it gets and he kind of does not get the reason why I avoid him. He is not one to get angry or pissed but instead gets sad and eventually starts sending me messages saying he does no know what's wrong and that he feels guilty. My immature self looks for this apologies but to be realistic they hurt me even more and there is nothing I enjoy in not talking to him...I'm one to wait eagerly for the night because it is when i talk to him and knowing I won't makes a part of my day lose any sense. I give up eventually and talk to him (I'm weak). As jordangaiger said, reassure him that you love him. It works a lot for me and gets it off my chest. It that does not work I tell him that I feel hurt but i try to be empathetic too, because I am concious that I have my flaws too and perhaps I accidentally made the problem bigger. We end up apologizing to each other and in less than an hour we are talking normally. Then again it's only happened to me twice :P but I hope any of this is useful.

          So...not sure if not talking will solve anything but I know just how it feels and it definitely sucks. You guys can get through it, good luck.

          Comment

            #6
            Stupid conversations like that make you feel shitty, but I think it's all part of a relationship cycle. Sometimes you're dying to talk to each other, and sometimes it's like pulling teeth. It's so frustrating when I want to spend quality time with him and he's clearly distracted or grouchy. But I think patience is key, unfortunately something that I really lack. Today may be a crap day for talking, but tomorrow might be better. Why force something today if it's not working? We can just accept today is not a good day to talk and keep it short, leave the chatting for tomorrow.

            If the conversation annoys you, walk away from it. Don't turn it into a fight or anything, just make it an early night and spare yourself the frustration. Also, by doing it you're making a statement. You're trying to talk him into changing the way you talk to each other - but as long as you're actually talking despite his nonchalant approach, he sees no real reason to change it. You'll nag but you'll still be there to chat, however he goes about it. But if you show him that you're ready to abort chat if he's being an ass, and that you'd rather watch a film or read a book than talk to him at all costs, it might prop him to put in more effort. And in any case, it will cut down the number of fights.

            This has nothing to do with being manipulative or passive-aggressive. I believe it's the contrary - I know there are days we find it hard to talk and I accept it without making a fuss. I may struggle with that but I understand there's not much else I can do that won't make the situation worse. Sulking certainly won't help.

            So if I were you, I'd wipe the slate clean by letting go of this incident. As others suggested, tell him you love him, reassure each other of your feelings, and move on.

            Like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. - Steve Jobs

            Comment

              #7
              Originally posted by Malaga View Post
              It's so frustrating when I want to spend quality time with him and he's clearly distracted or grouchy. But I think patience is key, unfortunately something that I really lack. Today may be a crap day for talking, but tomorrow might be better. Why force something today if it's not working? We can just accept today is not a good day to talk and keep it short, leave the chatting for tomorrow.

              If the conversation annoys you, walk away from it. Don't turn it into a fight or anything, just make it an early night and spare yourself the frustration. Also, by doing it you're making a statement. You're trying to talk him into changing the way you talk to each other - but as long as you're actually talking despite his nonchalant approach, he sees no real reason to change it. You'll nag but you'll still be there to chat, however he goes about it. But if you show him that you're ready to abort chat if he's being an ass, and that you'd rather watch a film or read a book than talk to him at all costs, it might prop him to put in more effort. And in any case, it will cut down the number of fights.

              This has nothing to do with being manipulative or passive-aggressive. I believe it's the contrary - I know there are days we find it hard to talk and I accept it without making a fuss. I may struggle with that but I understand there's not much else I can do that won't make the situation worse. Sulking certainly won't help.
              Very, very well said here. I agree with this 100%. Jare and I have started using this technique to cut down on arguments, and it is really working. Just like the OP, I too used to be close distance and am now long distance, and have gone through a very similar situation regarding conversation/communication, and we came through it, and things are MUCH better now. So it is possible to get through this, OK? And it is def OK if you don't feel like talking to him - I find myself feeling that way often. Some times it is just easier to be alone, because talking to him can get me even more down/frustrated as it makes me think of him, miss him, think about how long it will be til I see him, etc.

              Hang in there. You're not alone!

              Comment

                #8
                So we ended up talking for a while yesterday about it. Turns out he always has had problems talking to me. When we're together he can simply hug me and fill the space when he doesn't know what to say. When we first got together and he was so open with me made him feel uncomfortable. That's fine and all, weird but fine because I know how he is. But add that on to the fact that he doesn't like and has not gotten used to the distance, it's just a lot of trouble.

                He said talking me just reminds him that I'm not around. When I leave him to go back to school, it feels like a breakup to him. I've gotten used to and fine with the distance while he hasn't and just doesn't want to get used to it.

                We talked about that for a while and it came down to he'd work on it and he knew that he would have to get used to it even though he doesn't want to.

                The conversation then turned into a discussion of why I don't ever really talk to my family. He lives with my grandparents, so it's apparently a constant topic of discussion with him and my grandmother. He got mad and frustrated with me, said someting to the effect of "I'm glad your bad attitude about this is there and not here." He signed off after that.

                So it was kinda a step forward and two steps back kind of conversation.
                ". . . We obviously have to come to accept it, but that doesn't stop it from gnawing at us day by day.
                The best we can do is enjoy our time together, anticipate our reunions, and remain passionate and loyal through distance." ~Mike <3



                ~*~11.21.2010~*~

                Comment

                  #9
                  I haven't feel like I don't want to talk to my SO, but I definitely understand what you're going through...

                  I always want to talk to him and spend some quality time together and sometimes he just doesn't want to chat... as simple as that. I might start by saying hello, asking how was work (if he had to work the night/day before) if he slept well, and well, just regular questions... he usually answers back and asks me pretty much the same, but I've noticed when it takes him more time to reply, it means he's having a rough day... it never fails...

                  If after the usual questions I start telling him about something I want to share or a question I wanted to ask him to get his point of view, his next message will be "Sorry baby, I'm not feeling chatty today/right now"... that really frustrates me, but instead of pushing him into chatting, I just say "well, I'll be here the rest of the day, just message me whenever you want to talk" (if I'm at work, which is most of the times), and he usually starts talking after a while.

                  If I'm at home I offer to give him a quick call because sometimes it's not that he doesn't want to chat, but he'd rather not type... IF he tells me not to call, then I just say "I'll be around for a while" stay online while i'm doing other stuff around the house, and if he still has not messaged me, I just say i'm going to sign off, wish him sweet dreams and say I hope to talk to him soon.

                  I try not to make a big deal out of it and move on... I know next time I see him online or call him we can give it a shot again

                  I think however, he shouldn't bring up another problem without actually having solved the first one, specially when it's not a problem between the two of you, but you and your family. It's ok he let's you know what your grandma thinks about you not talking to them, but he should not take part of the issue, even if he lives with them, because it will (it already has) only bring unnecessary drama between you guys.

                  I hope everything turns out ok for you both!!

                  XoXo

                  Ale

                  “Laughing like children, living like lovers, rolling like thunder under the covers”

                  Comment

                    #10
                    He said it's not that he doesn't want to talk. It's that he just can't. He said a lot of the time he sits there either on his phone or when we talk online telling himself to SAY something, but he just can't.

                    So the entire thing is kinda stuck. The talking to my family thing has been an issue for a while now. It's someting we actually have a conversation about and I'm so desperate for some kind of conversation that I'll take anything, even someting that turns into an argument.

                    Conversation when we're together has gone downhill. Physical stuff has too. He has said he doesn't want to get himself attached if I'm just going to leave again. I thought everything was going so well. It feels like it's just falling apart.
                    ". . . We obviously have to come to accept it, but that doesn't stop it from gnawing at us day by day.
                    The best we can do is enjoy our time together, anticipate our reunions, and remain passionate and loyal through distance." ~Mike <3



                    ~*~11.21.2010~*~

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                      #11
                      Have you used the eBook this site recomends? 1000 questions for couples?? PM me

                      “Laughing like children, living like lovers, rolling like thunder under the covers”

                      Comment

                        #12
                        PMed
                        ". . . We obviously have to come to accept it, but that doesn't stop it from gnawing at us day by day.
                        The best we can do is enjoy our time together, anticipate our reunions, and remain passionate and loyal through distance." ~Mike <3



                        ~*~11.21.2010~*~

                        Comment

                          #13
                          This is my new FAVORITE thread on this site. I even bookmarked it.

                          I always panic when we don't talk as much, because my SO seems preoccupied (with video games, hockey, etc) and I take it personally. I'm so happy to hear that it might just be a boy thing! :P My SO is a listener, he even says so himself. But somedays, I have done nothing and have absolutely nothing to talk about... so we make simple conversation until he says he has to go eat or something. It's a horrible feeling, but at least now I know that this behaviour is normal.

                          I started arguing with my SO a bit too, just to talk to him and honestly, for the makeup part mostly. Oh dear.

                          But that's just all me talking, I think you two obviously still have something. You're just in a rut. You've got to remember that he's at least TRYING to talk to you, but doesn't have the right words to say. If he wasn't trying or didn't care, well I'd definitely recommend you discuss that with him, but he seems to. I don't know what your schedule is like, but my SO and I watch tv together. It really helps because you're not relying solely on each other's conversation. I imagine you may have already fixed this, but I figured I'd help. Just remember that others are in the same boat as you, and we're making it through!

                          Comment

                            #14
                            We're kind of in the process of fixing it. He's tired a lot now, so it's only about an hour of chatting either over the phone or AIM a night, less than usual, but the conversation doesn't lag unnaturally anymore. It's just chatting, but we really don't have any pressing issues to talk about. It's obvious he's trying. Actually got email replies this morning instead of having to reask questions tonight when he got online. I may talk to him in person about what he said he feels like when we're together when I go home for Easter. We're driving back to my college together so that's 8-10 hours in the car together. Typically we talk best during roadtrips. It also doesn't feel right bringing it up over the phone or online.
                            ". . . We obviously have to come to accept it, but that doesn't stop it from gnawing at us day by day.
                            The best we can do is enjoy our time together, anticipate our reunions, and remain passionate and loyal through distance." ~Mike <3



                            ~*~11.21.2010~*~

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Originally posted by 11MikesGirl21 View Post
                              We're kind of in the process of fixing it. He's tired a lot now, so it's only about an hour of chatting either over the phone or AIM a night, less than usual, but the conversation doesn't lag unnaturally anymore. It's just chatting, but we really don't have any pressing issues to talk about. It's obvious he's trying. Actually got email replies this morning instead of having to reask questions tonight when he got online. I may talk to him in person about what he said he feels like when we're together when I go home for Easter. We're driving back to my college together so that's 8-10 hours in the car together. Typically we talk best during roadtrips. It also doesn't feel right bringing it up over the phone or online.
                              Yeah, my SO and I have tried to talk things through over the phone before, and it's hard because things can be taken the wrong way. It's best to just wait to solve everything when you're together and can comfort each other. That's exciting that that's so soon! At least you're talking and that's all you can do right now. Things always get better.

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