Hello all! This is my first post! I've just found this forum, and I'm sure I'm going to be checking it out a lot from now on. But first off, seasoned long distance relationship-ers, I need some advice.
Some background info: I'm American, and I spent all of last year living in England (before I met my current boyfriend.) While there, I met a guy who I started out being close and very platonic friends with. At one point, he started to like me, though at the time I didn't like him back so nothing happened. There was a period in the middle of the year that we thought neither of us liked each other, so we hooked up...all the way...as friends, for fun...whatever. It was just what happened. Later in the year, I realized I DID like him and my feelings had grown very strong, but he didn't feel it. (Of course.) In the midst of all this, and due to both of us being very immature and making mistakes and not knowing how to deal with various things we were feeling, our friendship was on the rocks for several months and we both emotionally hurt each other very, very much. (What happened is very complicated and that's the best way I can simplify it.) It was very unhealthy for both of us, but mostly me. And very, very hurtful. When I left the country this past summer, it was on good terms, and I vowed to show him we could remain friends because he still meant a lot to me as a person, especially since he had plans to come visit NYC (this March, as in now) to visit his sister who lives here. We are still very much alike, have a lot in common, and enjoy each other's company (as friends.) We've kept in sporadic touch since I left.
Not long after I got back to the US, I met my current boyfriend. We've now been together for six months--it's great and we're very happy together. Currently he lives about 9 hours away, though that distance will close to about 4 hours because of a job I'm starting soon. (Yay!) We had tentative plans to see if we could get together during the first week of April for a couple of days if our schedules allowed, both so I could see him (duh) and get some skiing in before all the snow melts away (he works at a ski resort.) However, I just found out a couple of days ago though some Facebook probing that England Guy will be in NYC that week, for ONLY that week. And the same few days I was thinking of going to visit the ski resort are also the only ones I could theoretically go back to NYC and see my friend for. So. Oh boy.
Let me put it out there that I have NO intentions whatsoever of cheating on my boyfriend. I love him, and am very much over England Guy. But I do want to catch up with England Guy...he was a very important friend to me for a while, and I feel not only that I wanna catch up and hang out, but gain some closure, and kind of show him how well I'm doing and how much better I am than I used to be, and that I have a boyfriend who loves me and all that. Also, he's my friend who I just plain miss! He has a sort of complex about friends not staying friends and being untrustworthy, and I wanna show him that I CAN be a true friend as I always said I could, and meet up with him while he's in NYC like I promised. I feel by missing this opportunity to see him (likely the only time for a year if not more) no such closure or anything could ever happen.
I talked to my boyfriend about all of this tonight. (He knows most of what happened with me in England.) We are generally very supportive of each other having friends of the opposite sex, but I suspected he might feel differently about this situation because England Guy and I have a history. After I proposed the idea of postponing our visit for a week so I could go to NYC, I told him over and over that it was extremely important to me not to hurt him and I wanted to make sure I had his full go ahead to go to NYC before I did so. At first he said that I should go and do what I want and that he was mostly alright with it, but I could tell he was feeling more than that, so I kept on questioning him until he admitted to thinking it was weird for me to want to go get closure and be friendly with someone who had hurt me so badly. He says he trusts me, but I think it makes him feel weird and slightly uneasy regardless. I told him over and over how much I loved him and how his feelings are so important to me and for him to tell me if he was really bothered by me doing this. He kept on saying that it was my decision, that he didn't want to be part of the decision making process, and that if I wanted to go I should but he didn't want to hear anything about it. Generally, the whole time he really didn't seem like he wanted to talk about this and that I should just do what I wanted and that he didn't want to hear about it.
Well! Now I'm all conflicted. I really want to see England Guy cause he's an important person in my life I want to stay friends with, but my boyfriend means so much to me and I so don't want to unwillingly hurt him. He says he's generally alright with it, but I'm worried if I go to NYC he'll be hurt and won't tell me about it. Our conversation left me quite upset, and now I'm less sure of what to do than I was before we talked. I think if I don't go to NYC, I will really regret it, because that will literally be the only time for me to see my friend for a long time. So I'm leaning towards doing it...but I'm worried about my wonderful but emotionally repressed boyfriend...please, LDR-ers. Any words of wisdom?
Some background info: I'm American, and I spent all of last year living in England (before I met my current boyfriend.) While there, I met a guy who I started out being close and very platonic friends with. At one point, he started to like me, though at the time I didn't like him back so nothing happened. There was a period in the middle of the year that we thought neither of us liked each other, so we hooked up...all the way...as friends, for fun...whatever. It was just what happened. Later in the year, I realized I DID like him and my feelings had grown very strong, but he didn't feel it. (Of course.) In the midst of all this, and due to both of us being very immature and making mistakes and not knowing how to deal with various things we were feeling, our friendship was on the rocks for several months and we both emotionally hurt each other very, very much. (What happened is very complicated and that's the best way I can simplify it.) It was very unhealthy for both of us, but mostly me. And very, very hurtful. When I left the country this past summer, it was on good terms, and I vowed to show him we could remain friends because he still meant a lot to me as a person, especially since he had plans to come visit NYC (this March, as in now) to visit his sister who lives here. We are still very much alike, have a lot in common, and enjoy each other's company (as friends.) We've kept in sporadic touch since I left.
Not long after I got back to the US, I met my current boyfriend. We've now been together for six months--it's great and we're very happy together. Currently he lives about 9 hours away, though that distance will close to about 4 hours because of a job I'm starting soon. (Yay!) We had tentative plans to see if we could get together during the first week of April for a couple of days if our schedules allowed, both so I could see him (duh) and get some skiing in before all the snow melts away (he works at a ski resort.) However, I just found out a couple of days ago though some Facebook probing that England Guy will be in NYC that week, for ONLY that week. And the same few days I was thinking of going to visit the ski resort are also the only ones I could theoretically go back to NYC and see my friend for. So. Oh boy.
Let me put it out there that I have NO intentions whatsoever of cheating on my boyfriend. I love him, and am very much over England Guy. But I do want to catch up with England Guy...he was a very important friend to me for a while, and I feel not only that I wanna catch up and hang out, but gain some closure, and kind of show him how well I'm doing and how much better I am than I used to be, and that I have a boyfriend who loves me and all that. Also, he's my friend who I just plain miss! He has a sort of complex about friends not staying friends and being untrustworthy, and I wanna show him that I CAN be a true friend as I always said I could, and meet up with him while he's in NYC like I promised. I feel by missing this opportunity to see him (likely the only time for a year if not more) no such closure or anything could ever happen.
I talked to my boyfriend about all of this tonight. (He knows most of what happened with me in England.) We are generally very supportive of each other having friends of the opposite sex, but I suspected he might feel differently about this situation because England Guy and I have a history. After I proposed the idea of postponing our visit for a week so I could go to NYC, I told him over and over that it was extremely important to me not to hurt him and I wanted to make sure I had his full go ahead to go to NYC before I did so. At first he said that I should go and do what I want and that he was mostly alright with it, but I could tell he was feeling more than that, so I kept on questioning him until he admitted to thinking it was weird for me to want to go get closure and be friendly with someone who had hurt me so badly. He says he trusts me, but I think it makes him feel weird and slightly uneasy regardless. I told him over and over how much I loved him and how his feelings are so important to me and for him to tell me if he was really bothered by me doing this. He kept on saying that it was my decision, that he didn't want to be part of the decision making process, and that if I wanted to go I should but he didn't want to hear anything about it. Generally, the whole time he really didn't seem like he wanted to talk about this and that I should just do what I wanted and that he didn't want to hear about it.
Well! Now I'm all conflicted. I really want to see England Guy cause he's an important person in my life I want to stay friends with, but my boyfriend means so much to me and I so don't want to unwillingly hurt him. He says he's generally alright with it, but I'm worried if I go to NYC he'll be hurt and won't tell me about it. Our conversation left me quite upset, and now I'm less sure of what to do than I was before we talked. I think if I don't go to NYC, I will really regret it, because that will literally be the only time for me to see my friend for a long time. So I'm leaning towards doing it...but I'm worried about my wonderful but emotionally repressed boyfriend...please, LDR-ers. Any words of wisdom?
imo anyway.
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