need help

[ANGIEJ]

I cheated on him. neither of us want to end it but how do we handle the mistrust miles away?

[megfashion]

you promise never to do so again, and tell him everything you feel, even if he doesnt want to hear it. that way he knows you are telling the truth.

for example when the SO lied to me alot, there was almost a whole week where he told me everything, including when he would get back from the pub etc.. and had written down on a piece of paper a promise never to lie like it again...

itll take time for the trust to come back, it took me about 3 or 4 months to gain trust again (he lied in january, only really just starting to have the same amount of trust again)

[ANGIEJ]

thanks so much...

[Zapookie]

Well I guess first you have to figure out the reason why you cheated. Ask yourself a lot of hard questions. Once you've got that down, you should talk about why you were feeling this way and express your feelings to him. Let him vent to you as well.

And don't expect the trust to come back fast.

You need to do everything in your power to help him gain that trust back. Be honest and open. I'm guessing if you said neither of you want to end it, you told him? That is a good first step. Now you just have to keep being truthful with him and keeping him in the loop with your life is a good way of doing that - trust will come back with time.

[Moon]

I'm not sure you can, to be honest. Not having trust in an LDR just can't make for a healthy relationship, it's bad enough in a CDR, but at least you can see what the other person is doing most of the time. In LD, that mistrust will eat away at you until it's hard to think about anything else. If I didn't trust my boyfriend, there's no way this would be worth it to me. Sorry about that.

[Engel]

I'm not sure you can, to be honest. Not having trust in an LDR just can't make for a healthy relationship, it's bad enough in a CDR, but at least you can see what the other person is doing most of the time. In LD, that mistrust will eat away at you until it's hard to think about anything else. If I didn't trust my boyfriend, there's no way this would be worth it to me. Sorry about that.

wise as always, Moon.

[Shepard-Fowkes]

You'd have to figure out why the trust in your relationship didn't matter when you cheated. I mean, why is it suddenly important now? Why does trust matter to you now and not then? Why did you cheat?

I'm inclined to agree with Moon. This just might not be fixable because it's an LDR and, well, those require an extra level of trust that you probably won't be able to build back up to. It would take a lot of effort and soul searching on your part to make this a decent relationship, a lot of work for probably little reward. Best case scenario would be that you two have an uncomfortable relationship where your SO doesn't trust you fully. It would probably be better to just let it go. Easier for your SO, too.

[CKJS]

I'm not sure you can, to be honest. Not having trust in an LDR just can't make for a healthy relationship, it's bad enough in a CDR, but at least you can see what the other person is doing most of the time. In LD, that mistrust will eat away at you until it's hard to think about anything else. If I didn't trust my boyfriend, there's no way this would be worth it to me. Sorry about that.

I agree with that. LDR's are nothing without trust. If I didn't trust him I'd probably pull my hair out freaking every time he talked to a girl.Are you sure he's the one if you cheated? I'm not sure when or why you cheated but if you both do want to try to be together again it will take time to build trust and I wish you the best.

[lala]

What do you mean with cheated? everyone has a different opnion to that.. It depends on what you did.. but first of all like someone said here, you have ask yourself why you did this?!
It will also need a lot and lot time for him, maybe he can live with it but maybe you destroyed just too much. I hope you can figure it out!

[ANGIEJ]

Thanks Everyone it got worst or maybe better not sure. I guess we will figure it out but my reasoning for cheating was totally different for the reason he did last night... Im not sure if we will get through this.. Mine was I felt like we were falling apart our time together was less and I felt I was just an internet girl to him..... His reason was.. you did it so it was only fair for me to do it.. I felt he was the one .. but now Im just feeling hurt.. not that he went and did it I told him if we needed an open relationship that was fine till May when he moves here but he lied about it.. said he was going out with a friend... so we will see...

[Shepard-Fowkes]

Sorry but..this relationship sounds pretty over to me :/. Revenge cheating = it's over. Cheating is never the answer to a problem in a relationship (well, if cheating is specifically not okay in that relationship). And I don't think either of you have the moral high ground here because you both had really immature reasons to cheat. Again, why is it upsetting you that he violated your trust, but it's okay for you to violate his trust? It sounds like these issues just can't be fixed. There's really no point in trying to "figure it out" at this point because there's nothing left to salvage.