Advice on dealing with exes...thanks in advice!! :)

[marbear31]

Well top of the morning LFADers! I could really use some advice on a situation that has arisen in the past several days, and I feel like I'm at the end of my rope when it comes to creatively dealing with this, most of all for my SO's sake. I'll try to keep this as short as possible for sanity's sake.

So, I have been dating my SO for almost 7 months. I'm visiting him for this entire upcoming summer, and I couldn't be more excited, not only to see my SO, but to really get to know his family, most of all his son. He normally has him on the weekends, and I talk with both of them every time he's over. Recently, I met his "stepdaughter" (his ex's daughter from a previous relationship), who is 3 years younger than me and as sweet as can be. I'm really looking forward to forming relationships with both of them this summer, and I thought everything was smooth sailing until about this time last week.

My SO and his ex were on and off for 9 years. Last spring, she tried to make a move on him (before he met me), and he decided once and for all that he didn't want to be with her. Until recently, they'd been on basic talking terms, logistics of picking his son up, and that's it. She'd been completely fine with me communicating with their son, until I met her stepdaughter; apparently they both went back home to her, and talked about me a lot (apparently they both really like me, so I'm glad of that! ). She started my SO much more, hinting at "hope things are okay with your missus" and telling him that she still had a soft spot for him. She ended up telling him that she felt left out with all the kids' talk about me, and that even though she'd never (apparently) had plans to get back together with him, she still always, deep down, had thought of them as eventually getting back together, if anything for their son's sake. She has, in turns, forbidden me from talking to the kids, from seeing videos my SO made of the weekend for me, and played the "your girlfriend or your son" card. At first, I let this all get to me (honestly, i still does a bit), and I felt like I was wearing my heart on my sleeve endlessly for several days, with just being insecure about how I could ever compare to the mother of his kid and someone he'd had a 9 year history with. Then, I had a brainwave: I wasn't putting much faith in our connection by letting this get to me, and letting my insecurities dictate our interactions. Disclaimer: my SO has done nothing but show me affection, trust, and prove to me that nothing is going on. He's been open about every single one of their interactions, and my insecurities stemmed from lack of confidence in myself, not him.

Now, I have absolutely nothing but the best wishes for his ex. I think she's being a very good mother in being so protective of her kids, but the part I'm not cool with is her attempts to get my SO back. I know he's not going to anything about them, and I have 110% trust in him. My question is, how do I handle this without just being a bump on the log? I'm happy to answer any questions she has, and I really hope she finds love, because I understand feeling left out--it's not fun. But, this is our relationship, not hers, and she' going to have to get used to the idea that he's not hers for the taking anymore.

I'm not going anywhere, regardless of these difficulties. My SO and I have had marriage on the table for awhile now, so there's a future, and that includes me and his son. I want to handle this with grace and with as least of drama as possible, but I don't want to sacrifice my needs for her whims. Again, I wish her every happiness, and I hope she comes round eventually. I just hate feeling helpless across the ocean.

What do you think, guys? Is there anything in particular I can do to make this situation better for my SO, and keep communication up with his kids, without treading on toes? I understand she's jealous and lonely, but at the same time I wish her the best and hope she finds happiness as well. Any advice would be appreciated, and thanks for reading this post.

Have a wonderful day, LFAD, and thanks in advance!

[snow_girl]

It sounds like you have it pretty under control. It isn't really a situation you have control over and your SO seems to have a good handle on it.

[temporaryuser]

dealing with exes when there are kids involved can get sticky. It hurts as a parent to hear that your child has someone new in their life that you have no control over. That being said, she cannot control what he does with his son when in his custody. if he wants you to communicate with the child while he has him, then so be it. She cant forbid it.
be happy that he is willing to let you know what is going on and shares these things with you. Dont let it get to you. He is going to have to make it clear to her that he is not interested, which will be much easier once you are there in person. hard to say how she will react to you actually being there and being around the child. personally, i would stay in the car when he picks up/drops off the child, or stay home. You dont need to rub it in her face. When he is in his dads custody, you guys go aboout things as if you are your own family. it doesnt matter what she wants or how she sees it.

[Malaga]

If she doesn't want you to hang out with her kids, then the fair thing would be to respect her wishes. She's their mother and she does have that right, especially as both kids are still underaged. It's up to your SO to negotiate with her how this should be handled. Focus on the relationship with your SO and respect any deal he has with her regarding their kids.
Who knows, maybe she changes her mind again and this won't even be an issue.

[marbear31]

Hey guys, thanks for all the advice!!!! I just wanted to let you know I woke up to an email this morning saying he texted her his intentions with me, and that he couldn't lie with the kids about the extent of our relationship. He made me feel like a million dollars, and I can't tell you how wonderful it feels. Thanks everyone for all your words of kindness, and I know this isn't ending any time soon, but I know we're both on the same page now, both verbally and intentionally. Taht being said, I completely respect his ex's wishes, and she is a wonderful mother, so I do completely understand where she's coming from. I hope she finds happiness, and I hope she can come to terms with us. Slainte to future happiness, yes?

[LoveJ]

subeasley is right in saying that when there are kids involved, situations with exes get a lot trickier.

Some exes take breakups and introduction of new partners in stride, knowing that it's going to happen eventually and someday they'll be doing the same. Others go batshit crazy (example, your SO's ex telling you you aren't allowed to interact with the kids) and try to hold on to any little sliver of their past lives that they possibly can by trying to control your involvement and make it so that they can convince themselves that you aren't as part of the situation as you actually are.

It's extremely disrespectful and troubling that she has so little respect for your relationship with your SO that she's still trying to get him back. Why doesn't he put a stop to this? When people split, and there are kids involved, there is absolutely no reason for them to talk about anything except the kids, especially if things didn't end well. If they chose to be friends that's another issue, but a friendship doesn't involve sneaky, backhanded attempts to break up a relationship. I would hope that he would tell her to stop saying what she's saying. It does sound like he's not perpetuating that kind of talk by letting her think there's a chance, but it also doesn't sound like he's stopping it, either. Of the two of you, he's the one in the position to be able to stop it, and him doing that could alleviate a lot of stress for you.

As far as the ex goes, when she has her crazy outbursts and inappropriate advances, it sounds like you're handling it really well. There's nothing we can do to control the people around us and how they react, but you know how that old saying goes: We can't control others, but we can control how we react to them. Sometimes, when they get really bad, it's hard to stay totally unemotional and not get upset, but the key is to just be the better person. There's the hope that someday they'll come around and realize that the way they've behaved really wasn't something to be proud of. Sadly, most feel justified in what they do.

My SO and I have a doozy of a crazy ex situation; believe me, you have my sympathies and my heart is with you.

[FierceFoxie]

Ignore the Ex or her antics at trying to get your SO back. He's made his choice and moved on with you.

The Ex on the other hand is in a desperate phase where she doesn't have anyone else in the picture so she is trying to dig her claws into the last connection she had; which was probably with your SO. When a woman starts looking desperate like this, they really become unattractive to the guy, so don't feel insecure. He most likely is repulsed by her behavior. He will always have a little part of him that cares for her overall well being since she is the mother of his son and naturally if she is happy and healthy than he can rest at ease knowing his son is being cared for properly. But don't think that he will try and compare you two or that you are in some sort of competition. He sees something different in you and you probably make him very happy. He has already seen what a relationship was like with her and he won't be returning for a second taste.

My son adores his step-mom and the fact that he likes her so much is a good sign. I would rather him love the woman his dad chose to remarry than to come home and tell me he is being mis-treated. How I feel about her is a different story, but I never say anything negative about either his father or his step-mom to him. He loves them and I am not going to influence or distort his views of them. Hopefully some day she will come around to being cordial to you and appreciating the fact that her son and her daughter adore you. Give it some time, especially since you have not been together that long and are not married yet.

I don't think there is anything to worry about. Your SO seems to be handling things right. Let her bark demands all she wants, as long as your SO stands up to her and stands up FOR you then all is well. She's jealous that he has moved on and that he's happy so that is why she is making the sudden threats. It will mull over with time. When she sees you are not going anywhere, she will accept it.

[FierceFoxie]

If she doesn't want you to hang out with her kids, then the fair thing would be to respect her wishes. She's their mother and she does have that right, especially as both kids are still underaged. It's up to your SO to negotiate with her how this should be handled. Focus on the relationship with your SO and respect any deal he has with her regarding their kids.
Who knows, maybe she changes her mind again and this won't even be an issue.

No she doesn't!! She does not have the right to make any calls on whom their father has spending time with him and his kids. She cannot make the shots for how the child is raised when he is at his dad's for his visitations and what he chooses to do with his son. She is responsible for things under her roof as far as the types of people she brings into her children's lives and so is he; end of story.

[temporaryuser]

yep, there is nothing that can be written in a custody agreement as to who the child spends time with when with the opposite parent. You have to trust that the ex has enough sense not to put the child in danger. But it goes both ways.

[LoveJ]

If she doesn't want you to hang out with her kids, then the fair thing would be to respect her wishes. She's their mother and she does have that right, especially as both kids are still underaged. It's up to your SO to negotiate with her how this should be handled. Focus on the relationship with your SO and respect any deal he has with her regarding their kids.
Who knows, maybe she changes her mind again and this won't even be an issue.

I just noticed this when FierceFoxie posted about it.

She is their mother, yes, but marbear is dating their father, and he wants her around. Unless the stepparent is abusive to the kids, the other parent has absolutely no right to demand that the new parent not have interactions with the children. Absolutely none. Why? Because the only reason she's doing it is because she's mad. Do you think it's a good idea to let kids grow up thinking they can dictate what others are allowed to do just because they're mad by the example their mother sets? His kids are a huge part of his life; she can't just step back and not be a part of that while he figures it out, especially if he gets them regularly. That would mean she'd have to disappear every time they were around. That's no kind of relationship.

Parents don't have a right to say who can and can't be in their children's lives unless that relationship puts them in danger. The ex really needs to get over herself.

[CandiCandi]

I just noticed this when FierceFoxie posted about it.

She is their mother, yes, but marbear is dating their father, and he wants her around. Unless the stepparent is abusive to the kids, the other parent has absolutely no right to demand that the new parent not have interactions with the children. Absolutely none. Why? Because the only reason she's doing it is because she's mad. Do you think it's a good idea to let kids grow up thinking they can dictate what others are allowed to do just because they're mad by the example their mother sets? His kids are a huge part of his life; she can't just step back and not be a part of that while he figures it out, especially if he gets them regularly. That would mean she'd have to disappear every time they were around. That's no kind of relationship.

Parents don't have a right to say who can and can't be in their children's lives unless that relationship puts them in danger. The ex really needs to get over herself.

Amen. I think that marbear31 is dealing with this the right way and in a completely rational way.

[marbear31]

Hey everyone! I just saw all these replies, and I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words and empathy. I wrote this post in a particular moment of frustration, but I, and my SO, in particular, have been handling it quite well, nd things have definitely simmered down in comparison to a few weeks ago.

My SO has stood up for me in every way possible. LoveJ, I think it was you who said he will always have a part of himself that cares for her because she is the mother of his child--and you're absolutely, 110% right. It's one of those things that took me awhile to come to terms with, but I inevitably accepted because that's just how life is. Not once have I doubted his love for me; he's always made it crystal clear that I am his first priority, including to his ex, and I respect how he handled the situation so much.

Long story short, he did have several conversations with her on the phone, because he does care for his ex as a person, but he told me that all of those conversations only solidified, even more, how much he didn't want to be with her. I think what helped me get through it the most is knowing he rejected her before he even met me. I can honestly say now I don't even have any lingering insecurities about this situation. I think it was (and is) important that we got the ball rolling on this, because (as any other issue has), int only brought us closer together and showed that we handle tribulations well together. I'm learning so much from all this, and I still wish her the best. (There's actually been no problems with communicating with her daughter and my SO's son--we're all getting along fantastically still ^_^) She's actually wished us the best a couple of times, and I do appreciate that, but I respect her need to grieve and have closure. Again, I wish her happiness, but now, when she attempts anything that is very obviously pulling "moves" on my SO, I just laugh at it, because I know it means nothing. I'm very comfortable with them having contact with each other, and as much as I wish I was there with him during moments when she texts or emails, my SO is a star about sharing everything with me. He always always always stands up for me, and there (especially at the time of this posting) was just a rough couple of days with her knee-jerk reaction, where he had enough to deal with with her emotional volality, and the last thing I wanted to do was give him more stress.

Whew, that ended up being longer than I thought! We've been working it out together, though, and this whole situation has only reaffirmed my trust and love for my SO. He's the most wonderful man on earth.

Also: LoveJ, my heart goes out to you as well! I'm so sorry if you've had any rough dealings with an ex. Hugs to you! <3

[leonsfangirl]

Having read all the replies i think your doing all the right things here, granted she doesn't have the right to stop you interacting with the children but it will be more trouble than it's worth to make her see shes wrong. She's jealous that the children really like you and this is her way of protecting herself from feeling hurt.

My Ex has gotten really pissy with my children getting to know my SO (he's only spoke to them on the phone/webcam, he meets the properly next month) yet I'm completely fine with the children spending time with his girlfriend (The kids like her and i've been told she's lovely by a mutual friend) I put it down to the fact he isn't over the break up of our relationship (same as your SO's ex) It'll get better in time and as i've said your doing all the right things.