Closing the Distance/Parents Issues

[Sierra]

As some of you know, I'm closing the distance in a matter of months now, and have yet to meet my boyfriend's parents. I understand that this isn't a big deal to some people, but to me it is. It's actually a critical issue in our relationship.

Last night I asked him what his parents thought about me moving there and he said they didn't really care one way or another. This devastated me. I know they don't know me but I've tried time and time again to reach other to them by sending them gifts when Sean is here that I know they'll enjoy, and well that's pretty much it since I don't know them.

It really hurts me that my sacrifice I'm making for their son is completely unrecognized. I'm not trying to sound mean, but I'm not a nobody with nothing going for her, I'd think that they'd be happy for him. But they aren't.

And I don't know why.

I've tried asking my boyfriend if his parents have an issue with me, if they don't like me, what's going on here and he says it's none of this. At this point I cannot accept that. My family has hated all the men I've dated my entire life, and they accepted him and support me moving there, and now I feel like I have to climb Everest when it comes to establishing a relationship with his parents.

Before anyone jumps in and says "You're not in a relationship with his parents" I'm an adult and I understand that, it doesn't mean I don't crave, want and need their acceptance, especially considering I'm moving to what might as well be another country for a man I, lets admit it, barely know.

[snow_girl]

What would you do if you never get their approval? Can you live with it?

[lala]

Maybe you have first to meet them so you guys can get to know eachother and the situation and your relation to them will change..

[CynicalQuixotic]

What do you know about Sean's relationship with his parents? Is it strained in any way? That could be a big factor. I have a very complicated relationship with my parents and JP really doesn't get along with his father, so there was a lot of angst on JP's part when I met his father, and I'm practically nauseous with anxiety at the thought of him spending more than half an hour with my parents. Maybe he plans on introducing you to his parents once you've closed the distance?

[Dziubka]

Different families have different dynamics (I'm sorry, I'm having the ultimate deja-vu experience ;-) )

My mum doesn't really care so much about my boyfriends as well. Or rather, she wouldn't care if I wouldn't keep informing her. She doesn't accept or not accept my boyfriends. My boyfriend has recently moved in with me and I while I think she's happy that I'm happy, I don't think she 'recognizes his sacrifice' (he moved out of the city which he loves and lived in his whole life to move to a country where he bareley speaks the language). It's just not terms she thinks in. We've been dating for more than two years and they have only met once for a very (!) brief time. My boyfriend sometimes sends her mails with photos of our trips, but most of the time, she doesn't answer, if she does it's very short mails, basically just a thank you. If it wasn't for my boyfriend's mum (which is a completely different story) they wouldn't have met yet probably, and he would have moved out here without ever meeting my parents, after 2+ years in a relationship. I don't see a problem with it, tbh.
You don't need to have a relationship with his parents. For some people their parents are just not in their life enough for them to need to have a relationship with their partners.
They don't seem to hate you, which is a good thing and basically all *I* would expect and need from my boyfriend's parents. What is his relationship with his parents? Does he visit them often? Discuss his life with them?
It's not because of you that they behave the way they do, it's most likely because of the type of relationship they have with your boyfriend and the way their family works.

[Sierra]

What would you do if you never get their approval? Can you live with it?

Under difference circumstances, yes, I could live with it. But the fact that I'm giving up my family here with seemingly NOBODY other than my boyfriend there who's willing to support me, I don't think I'd be able to do it. If things continue this way with him and his parents I see myself as feeling extremely isolated and alone and it's ... well not ok.

It's made worse by the fact that I have health problems. I have a really awful back and horrible migraines - sometimes I need a ride to get home, and if I only have my boyfriend, who works constantly, for lack of a better term, I'm fucked.

I don't want to leave my family, for no family.

What do you know about Sean's relationship with his parents? Is it strained in any way? That could be a big factor. I have a very complicated relationship with my parents and JP really doesn't get along with his father, so there was a lot of angst on JP's part when I met his father, and I'm practically nauseous with anxiety at the thought of him spending more than half an hour with my parents. Maybe he plans on introducing you to his parents once you've closed the distance?

His relationship with his parents is GREAT. He spends every Monday night playing board games with his mother, father, aunt and uncle. This is part of the reason why I was so attracted to him from the beginning. This is not a cause of him having a strained family relationship, he doesn't. At all.


Lala, while I realize that meeting the parents after closing the distance is ok for some people, it doesn't work for me.

Dzi, while you might be ok with your situation, it's not a situation that would sit well with me. This is a man I want to have a future with and children with. I do not want a strained relationship with my children's grandparents when BOTH my boyfriend and I could have had a ton of support from my family. Coming from a broken home, this is extremely important to me. EXTREMELY.

[snow_girl]

Do you think moving is a good idea right now? i get the feeling there could end up being a lot of resentment from moving to him. You've mentioned many times it is like moving to a new country and you so badly want a relationship with his parents and I'm afraid that if things don't work out the way you want them to you'll regret moving there. Are you really ready?

[Dziubka]

Dzi, while you might be ok with your situation, it's not a situation that would sit well with me. This is a man I want to have a future with and children with. I do not want a strained relationship with my children's grandparents when BOTH my boyfriend and I could have had a ton of support from my family. Coming from a broken home, this is extremely important to me. EXTREMELY.

The way I see it, you don't have a strained relationship with them, you don't have any at this point. Which before the first anniversary, isn't something to worry about (imho). There's no reason why by the time you're going to have children you shouldn't have a good relationship with them. Especially since you'll be living close to them.
Is he going to take you with him to the board game nights? He does tell them about you, right?
I think you're worrying too far in advance here (funny, coming from me).

[Shepard-Fowkes]

My parents didn't "like" my SO until they met him. I don't mean that they disapproved; I don't mean that they didn't think he was a great guy. They just didn't know him yet. They never really got the chance to get to know him until he was physically here. And for them, they can't really make a judgment call on a person until they've really met them. You know what? My parents love my SO now. It was just hard for them to try to connect to a complete stranger. But once they got to know my SO, my parents really started to like him because they got a better picture of who he is. Now they even miss him when he's away (but not nearly as much as I do!)

So, his parents probably just aren't as connected to you because they haven't met you yet. You're still a stranger to them, albeit a stranger they know and hear a lot about and who sends them gifts on occasion.

You said in your original post that all you can really do is send them gifts "since [you] don't know them". Can you see the issue they might be having? Yes, between you and your SO, you know how special your relationship is. But his parents don't and it's hard for them to be excited about somebody moving over when they don't know much about the person. I'd suggest maybe skyping or even just calling them. Open up the line of communication, if you haven't already. And if you have talked to them before and they still are like this, then maybe they're just a bit more old fashioned. It's easy to forget when you're in a long distance relationship how extraordinary it is to get to know and even love a person without having met them. Not everybody can do that. Just because his parents don't have a relationship with you yet, it doesn't mean they never will.

[Sierra]

Do you think moving is a good idea right now? i get the feeling there could end up being a lot of resentment from moving to him. You've mentioned many times it is like moving to a new country and you so badly want a relationship with his parents and I'm afraid that if things don't work out the way you want them to you'll regret moving there. Are you really ready?

Not moving isn't an option. I have been accepted at a school there and start in August. We won't be living together for a few months, and while I'm ready, I think the real question is, is HE?

Dzi, LFAD is messed up and I can't quote your post

The way I see it, you don't have a strained relationship with them, you don't have any at this point. Which before the first anniversary, isn't something to worry about (imho). There's no reason why by the time you're going to have children you shouldn't have a good relationship with them. Especially since you'll be living close to them.
Is he going to take you with him to the board game nights? He does tell them about you, right?
I think you're worrying too far in advance here (funny, coming from me).

Again, for you this may not be a big deal, but for ME it is. Everyone's dynamics in their relationship is different and at least MEETING his family is extremely important to me. It tells you a lot about the person you're involved with an your future with them. The way they are treated by their parents and they way they treat (general they as in referring to all SOs) is a heavy indicator of how you'll be treated and how future children will be treated. This is important to me and something that should NOT be brushed off.

While yes, we've only been officially in a relationship for less than a year, we've known each other much longer than that, and for you while this may be putting the car before the horse, this is the horse with no cart attached, it's extremely important to me.

I need to know them before I move. This is non-negotiable. Do they need to like me? No, but do they need a chance to know who I am? YES. I'm not his first girlfriend, he's had other serious girlfriends who have met his family yet I'm kept in the dark.

He has told me that when I come out there he'll take me to their board game night, at this point, knowing how they feel about me (their they could care less attitude), I don't want to go. I'd much rather it be a simple lunch we can leave from than 10+ hours where I'm stuck in a possibly very uncomfortable position.

[Sierra]

I can't Skype them, talk to them on the phone, or any of those things, my boyfriend won't open that line of communication for me.

I do want to say, my relationship, in person, is a lot less strained than it seems here. I come here to vent about things that are really bothering me, but the truth is, almost always, by the end of the day I've talked it out with my boyfriend and it's not an issue anymore. That's not indicative of a strained relationship but of a healthy one.

Of course we have our issues, and I do broadcast them to get general advice, but just because someone doesn't talk about their issues doesn't mean they don't have any or that they are in a healthy relationship.

[Lilly9886]

I share your opinion Sierra. I think it's important to know his parents/family. I think it's an important part of the relationship.
Is there a special reason why your SO doesn't want you to talk with them on the phone or skype?

[Moon]

You really might not have a choice in the matter, if his parents aren't interested in meeting you before you move there, well, that's that then. Right now, you might just be another girlfriend to them, they may have no interest in investing themselves into a relationship until THEY are sure you're serious and will stick around awhile, as you've said, he's had other girlfriends and perhaps they grew to like them and then they were gone.

Honestly, they probably don't care what's extremely important to you, or any sacrifice you're making, they don't know you yet, and if they want to wait until you're there, it really is their choice. Pushing it is probably not the best idea. All families are different, and his works differently than yours, you have to get used to that. I'm sure they have a nice familial relationship, after all they get together once a week to play games, that's a good sign! You're the new person coming into the family, so you're unfortunately the one who needs to adjust their expectations, it sucks, but that's the way it usually goes.

Also, you may need to forget about them helping you out with things until you've more firmly established yourself, they might not be the type of people who will do that. I got along OK with my ex-in laws, but I'd walk 1000 miles before I ever asked their help for anything! You better believe they kept track of anything they felt was a favor and expected a tenfold return on it forever. Get to know them before asking for any kind of assistance, trust me on that one.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I agree with moon
I also want to point out that you keep mentioning, and seem really worried about, moving away from your own family. I want to stress to you that as you and your SO are not married, and like eveyone else has said, although your relationship with their son is significant to YOU, on the grand scale of things to them, this relationship is still new.
They are not your family. They can't fill the gap that you'll feel when you miss your family. Seeing as they havent even met you, you probably don't seem real to them yet. When thing between you and your SO move along, for instance, when you've moved in, when you've been together for a number of years, if there's engagements, marriages, children... THEN your relationship with them may change.
I understand this is important to YOU, but you're not the only person to consider in this situation. You have to consider them and their attitudes too. You can't force them to have a relationship with you if they don't want.
I suggest you talk to your SO about how important this is to you, and try and arrange a casual meeting so you can get to know them better. Things might move along after that.

[Dziubka]

Moon and Biddlybiddlybombop are definitely right.
This:

I don't want to leave my family, for no family.

caught my attention as well. I realise that family is important and that your boyfriend's relationship to his parents says a lot about him. I don't brush it off and I understand that meeting his parents is important to you and that it should eventually happen. But like Moon pointed out: Their relationship seems fine and healthy.
However, the truth is: you are leaving your family, for no family, other than your boyfriend. It's risky. It's not going to be easy. There's no guarantee things with your boyfriend work out (don't you work in family law?), and if you break up, you'll be out there on your own. If you absolutely can't live with that, then don't move. It might not go for everyone, but I would never move somewhere I didn't want to stay even without my boyfriend - I don't want to end up resenting him, because I left my safe haven for his wild world.
Like the others have said: you are a stranger to them. Not everyone is comfortable meeting new people through skype or mail. The first time my boyfriend sent an e-mail to my mum I felt very weird about it. I felt like he was crossing some kind of line or that she would find it invasive, weird or funny.
Some people are more reserved than others. They might not consider you family for a long time. For some people family is only after you get married, or after you have kids. It's obviously a very personal and individual matter and in the end, you have to decide how you feel and go on about things. All we can do is try to show you their side.