LDR might be extended...I don't know what to do!

[Biscous]

So I've been LDR with my girlfriend since August/Sept. There was a period where we didn't know how our relationship was. I moved for a job and we were unclear, until we reunited. We decided to have a plan: for her to move with me in Texas by May shortly after she graduates.

This is being threatened. Her father hasn't had the the opportunity to meet me. Funny enough, I've met my gf's stepfather, mother, the rest of the family, but I haven't met him yet. I've been back to Georgia a few times to see my girlfriend, roughly three times during this, for extended periods of time but things haven't seemed to work out.

The constraint right now is that my gf has to take a few courses before she graduates, whether online or through summer classes. Her father is saying that he doesn't want her to take the online courses because of 1) the additional fee and 2) ultimately he is not sure about us. He told her that it is highly likely that her and I won't work out and he doesn't want her to be a burden on me where she is out there alone and has to depend on me. Understandable.

This is frustrating me to no end because it hasn't been like I haven't attempted to meet him. I know he's busy, but if someone was seeing my daughter for several months, coming up to a year, then I would want to invest more time to know who he is. She's met my family, she's been over my parents places on several occasions with me, so I don't know why this is coming up all of a sudden!


Really I know the love a father has for his daughter and that's what it is coming down to. Plus for her to come out her it is a huge investment. The thing is that if she takes summer classes it will delay the LDR by over two more months, which will hurt both of us. I remember not seeing her for five weeks in the middle of Feb and she talked about how she felt like her life is going on without me. After FIVE WEEKS. I could imagine a harder distance if the end of the LDR is longer. I know I still love her, but I fear that the distance will grow us apart which I don't want! I've started a new career and spent my time, whether it is taking a lot of time off to see her, or my money, including bonuses, to come and see her to not only maintain our relationship, but to grow it into something great. I can not risk losing that, but I feel that I am losing more control of the situation because of this happening. She just wants to hear from me that everything is okay, but I cannot fully assure that.

The only thing I can assure is to NOT delay it is by having a solid plan. I've told her she needs to look at graduate school more seriously. If money is an issue I told her she doesn't have to pay me anything for 3-4 months, just start a job and prepare for graduate school. She's coming out to see me in April and I was supposed to get her in May, but I'm not sure how things will be now.

Does anyone have any sort of advice they can give me? I'd really appreciate your help LFAD!

[Michivf04]

Well your in a tough spot i think father approval or meeting him before is very important. I can see you've made an effort and care about her a lot. Let me ask you something do you really thing delaying it for only two months is that bad?? Im in the situation where i might just have to extend 2 or 3 more years. I think if you guys talk this out and figure out ur options. Maybe two months more is not that bad. In LDR we all have to make sacrifices. If she's worth it why can't you wait just 2 more month?? I know you want solid plan but sometimes life throws you problems and you have to roll with the punshes. I think that you should try your best to not extend time but if you have too then try to make the best of the situation, try meeting the father. Thats the best advice i can give you. I don't know how much that might help. Good luck! =)

[Zapookie]

Being away for each other for an extra two months really isn't that long - not when you have a lifetime to spend with her. If her father is convinced that she needs to stay back for those two months, there's not much else you can do. The decision is really for her to make.

Communication is a huge part being in an LDR, which you should know by now. If you both really want this to work, you'll make it work, whether or not you see her two months sooner, or two months later.

Of course its favourable to be together ASAP, but will not seeing her for those two months really break your relationship? I haven't seen my boyfriend in almost 6 months now. We're still OK. Of course I miss him but I know I'm seeing him soon, and that's what keeps me going.

[kat4301]

Yeah I agree with others, forming any sort of wedge between father and daughter will only make things worse especially if its about education. Do you have a good sense of their relationship? Trust me when I say fathers do not act rational, proper, correct, or anything sane when it comes to boyfriends. Be prepared for anything and be willing to give her some space (in my opinion) when it comes to leaving home. The last thing you want in a relationship is the resent disease. I know it can be tough to have things up in the air or unclear, but things are only better if you have to wait longer for them.

[Biscous]

I just know how my girlfriend get in February when I didn't see her and how she reactive. She said she felt that the distance was indefinite at one point. I reminded her it wasn't. I saw her mid-March for 10 days, we had a great trip. I remember taking her to a Bed & Breakfast and she said "This is the sweetest thing someone has ever done for me". I remember having amazing sex. I remember both of us crying when I had to leave. This is all real. I love this girl!

I have some hesitancy in the entire thing because what IF it doesn't work out? I do feel responsible for her well being and if we don't work out there's no way I wouldn't be there for her. I love her as my partner, as a person I respect, and as friend. Our relationship is great actually. While other people who are closer are worried about their significant other cheating on one another we don't have that. We still tease each other, challenge one another intellectually (I swear this woman has gotten me doing things that no other woman has), find each other physically attractive to an intense point, love each other and remind each other of this every day. One thing that keeps me going is the LDR success stories I know in my personal experience, even my parents.

Her and her dad have a really good relationship. That's his girl. I wouldn't want her to make an irrational decision. I've told her that I want her to make the best decision for her education and future even if it doesn't include me in it. I'm not being morose in this, but I love her so much that I don't want to hold her back. Also I forgot to mention the age difference. I'm 28, she's 22, if that makes any difference, but I know some people might say that's too young, etc etc. I'm still working on my career and I know she won't bring much money in, but I think we will work things out.

I can wait too more months but the relationship at times becomes exhausting. I put so much effort into this thus far and it seems like I'm being derailed. I told her that sometimes instead of spending money on things for myself, like clothes, other stuff, I spend it on seeing her and spend it on having a great time with her. I just feel like I'm doing my best and being the best man I can be. I appreciate everyone's input and I will make a strong effort to meet the father soon. I'm just a bit mad because I've tried several times and all of a sudden he has reservations. I've been with his daughter for about a year and you don't know me now? Grr...

[Jezah]

He told her that it is highly likely that her and I won't work out and he doesn't want her to be a burden on me where she is out there alone and has to depend on me. Understandable.

I just have to say how sexist this is. Not on the OP but on the Dad and it's an attitude I know well. If the situation was reversed, a man struggling to get a degree while his girlfriend is financially secure, nobody would try and cast doubt by saying "Watch out, he could become a burden on you". However, whenever its a woman it is automatically "No job, she is a burden on her man". Why is it automatically assumed a woman cannot support herself or get back on her feet if stuff doesn't work out as planned?

Maybe I am just seeing this wrong, but coming from a woman who is waiting to get into nursing school and who's SO's father thinks is just going to be a 'burden' on his son....I think the whole view of a woman being somehow unable to support herself without a man or a degree is sexist.

[MeganK]

Distance isnt easy ... but once its over.
it will all be totally worth it.
no matter how long the wait.

[LoveL]

If you guys think you are ready to move in together and start a life together like that, yet still thinking that the relationship might be strained to the point of breaking up and ending it just because the distance is hard and it might go on for 2 more months, then you might need to reevaluate things a little bit.

Believe me brother, I know how hard it is to have to suffer through the feelings of missing each other and all of the heartache that can cause. But if you guys are sure about each other, if you know that you're made for each other, and if you're committed to each other through the good shit and the bad, then no amount of time or distance should stop you from being together. At least you have a tenative date. Even worse case scenario and it does take an extra 2 months, you still have a date set up.

I think what you're feeling is the let-down of thinking that you already had definite plans and suddenly it seems like they just got shot in the ass. But you still have a back up plan, even if she doesn't come back with you in May, or whenever it was. All you have to time is be patient and wait it out.

Why not just have her conference call you with her dad, so at least he can hear you and maybe hear what you guys sound like together? Or, if he's techno-savvy, you three could Skype. There are only so many ways to communicate in a LDR and all of them will allow even the most stand-offish parent to get an idea of what you guys are like together.

Last question, are you sure this is really about her dad and not her wanting to wait it out a little longer and not be ready for a long term commitment? It might sound silly, and I don't know her, but you need to be certain that you guys aren't rushing into a life together JUST so you can ease the pain of the distance.

If you know, then you know. If either of you have doubts, then you aren't ready.

[temporaryuser]

will she have to move to another country to be with you?
Personally, her finishing grad school isnt an option. if she doesnt do it now, it will be much harder to go back and finish it later.
i think you need to talk things thru more. Have you ever talked to the dad thru email or on the phone? maybe start with that. maybe it isnt him that is being difficult about getting together (maybe she isnt giving him the opportunity). Talk to him and find out how he feels about things and really listen to his concerns. For her to not be able to go 5 weeks without wanting to call it quits seems a bit immature IMO. When you think about the grand scheme of things, what she has been going to school for, is the industry such that having an advanced degree will make it easier to get a job? She cant move to you and just get a job to have money coming in. If she has her degree and can get a better job in that field.

[Biscous]

No the move is from Georgia to Texas.

[Biscous]

will she have to move to another country to be with you?
Personally, her finishing grad school isnt an option. if she doesnt do it now, it will be much harder to go back and finish it later.
i think you need to talk things thru more. Have you ever talked to the dad thru email or on the phone? maybe start with that. maybe it isnt him that is being difficult about getting together (maybe she isnt giving him the opportunity). Talk to him and find out how he feels about things and really listen to his concerns. For her to not be able to go 5 weeks without wanting to call it quits seems a bit immature IMO. When you think about the grand scheme of things, what she has been going to school for, is the industry such that having an advanced degree will make it easier to get a job? She cant move to you and just get a job to have money coming in. If she has her degree and can get a better job in that field.

I've might have mentioned the five week thing to state that she's emotionally connected to me. She isn't mature IMHO. There is an age difference there of course and I realize that it is much harder for her being apart from me in these cases, which breaks my heart further. She didn't want to call it quits with me I was just stating that she was just feeling the strain of me not being there.

I told her to give her father my number, but I doubt it will happen. The thing that frustrates me the most is that I put in effort and this setback is getting to me so sorry if I feel like it isn't going to work or anything. I realize I have to be strong for my girlfriend and be the man she knows. I support her when she's down and vice versa.

When she moves here she can get a job whenever she feels like it, but I told her she should prioritize getting things straight with what she wants to do in terms of school. She looked at a few programs while seeing me in December so I know she has a plan, but it needs to be construct.

[Biscous]

If you guys think you are ready to move in together and start a life together like that, yet still thinking that the relationship might be strained to the point of breaking up and ending it just because the distance is hard and it might go on for 2 more months, then you might need to reevaluate things a little bit.

Believe me brother, I know how hard it is to have to suffer through the feelings of missing each other and all of the heartache that can cause. But if you guys are sure about each other, if you know that you're made for each other, and if you're committed to each other through the good shit and the bad, then no amount of time or distance should stop you from being together. At least you have a tenative date. Even worse case scenario and it does take an extra 2 months, you still have a date set up.

I think what you're feeling is the let-down of thinking that you already had definite plans and suddenly it seems like they just got shot in the ass. But you still have a back up plan, even if she doesn't come back with you in May, or whenever it was. All you have to time is be patient and wait it out.

Why not just have her conference call you with her dad, so at least he can hear you and maybe hear what you guys sound like together? Or, if he's techno-savvy, you three could Skype. There are only so many ways to communicate in a LDR and all of them will allow even the most stand-offish parent to get an idea of what you guys are like together.

Last question, are you sure this is really about her dad and not her wanting to wait it out a little longer and not be ready for a long term commitment? It might sound silly, and I don't know her, but you need to be certain that you guys aren't rushing into a life together JUST so you can ease the pain of the distance.

If you know, then you know. If either of you have doubts, then you aren't ready.

I appreciate your response man.

No I don't believe we are doing this to ease the distance. I believe that we want to include each other in our life goals. It is unfortunate that I left out of necessity for a new career that would ultimately help me, but whoever else was in my life. We realized we connect on a very deep level. Even if I wasn't with her I would love her and always want the best for her, but I want her to myself really and want her and I to grow into something great.

I definitely feel the sting and let-down of having definite plan and it being delayed. It angers me even more is because I've definitely put in effort to make this work. I would offer the Skype thing but it probably won't work. I keep in contact with her month and she likes me a lot. Father's are different and for good reason but I feel like it is a bit unreasonable at times.

Really I just think he just need a plan. I told her I don't want to rush things either. She is definitely considering graduate school here. She actually decided she would go into one thing, then decided against it so she's pursuing something else, she believes. I wish she would focus on better direction on what she wants to do and she is frustrating me a little but but I can't be too hard on her because there is a lot to think about. At the same time I told her to prepare since Nov on this. She has been saving some money thankfully but even so it is difficult to put all the pieces together.

I'm glad you all understand where I'm coming from and offering advice. It's not so much the distance or the extended time period. It is just the disappointment that is getting to me right now.

[Biscous]

So it will be extended, by just a few more months. We thought that we would be together at the end of May. She told me today that her parents want to give her their blessing, see her before she goes, etc. They want to have a big graduation celebration for her. Of course this frustrated me. Their rationale, their reasons of keeping her away from me. She said that it would put less strain on me if she was better prepared. I've spent so much money, time, etc on her and I than I have myself which pisses me off. It does make me reconsider things somewhat, but I do love her.

I do need to let this setback not bother me. She is mine and we are together. I just want her in my arms. I have to see the positive in things and move forward.

EDIT: But she is seeing me in June. Possibly July as well.

[LoveL]

I've spent so much money, time, etc on her and I than I have myself which pisses me off. It does make me reconsider things somewhat, but I do love her.

Nothing wrong with having this initial feeling come over you. Just be careful with what you do with it. If you don't keep that feeling in the right place in your mind, it can grow into resentment for the other person.

All people come into relationships at different levels of commitment and it takes time for them to all get on the same page. From what I've read from you, it seems like you both have a pretty good handle on your relationship and where you are ultimately going with it. So don't let something a simple as 2 months throw you off. It will be over in no time and once you are finally in the same place again, it will seems like that little window of time never even existed.

It does take time for parents to let go sometimes. They have to cope with their little girl growing up and you'll have to deal with some of their needs and hang ups as you progress in your relationship with her. Remember, and keep it in the front of your mind because it's a truth that many people over look, when you marry someone, you are also marrying their family. They were her parents for many years before you ever showed up. You have to give them a little time and space to get to a healthy point where they can let go of her. Long term, its better this way. Wouldn't you prefer in-laws who are pretty much hands-off as opposed to the opposite? No one wants a meddling mother-in-law who keeps her nose shoved into your business because she hasn't sucessfully disconnected from your girlfriend yet, right?

Keep it up man. You'll get there.
It's just 2 months.

[Biscous]

Nothing wrong with having this initial feeling come over you. Just be careful with what you do with it. If you don't keep that feeling in the right place in your mind, it can grow into resentment for the other person.

All people come into relationships at different levels of commitment and it takes time for them to all get on the same page. From what I've read from you, it seems like you both have a pretty good handle on your relationship and where you are ultimately going with it. So don't let something a simple as 2 months throw you off. It will be over in no time and once you are finally in the same place again, it will seems like that little window of time never even existed.

It does take time for parents to let go sometimes. They have to cope with their little girl growing up and you'll have to deal with some of their needs and hang ups as you progress in your relationship with her. Remember, and keep it in the front of your mind because it's a truth that many people over look, when you marry someone, you are also marrying their family. They were her parents for many years before you ever showed up. You have to give them a little time and space to get to a healthy point where they can let go of her. Long term, its better this way. Wouldn't you prefer in-laws who are pretty much hands-off as opposed to the opposite? No one wants a meddling mother-in-law who keeps her nose shoved into your business because she hasn't sucessfully disconnected from your girlfriend yet, right?

Keep it up man. You'll get there.
It's just 2 months.

Thanks, and I talked to my girlfriend about it because I don't want to harbor any resentment towards the situation. I went off about it in another thread about the family issue and I felt like I was not appreciated for the time I spent with their daughter. How I extended myself out. I point these out because in any relationship, whether family, friends, or my significant other in this case, I always try my best to maintain relationships or be a loving person for them. Even when I left I try to keep in contact with friends. I'm just that type of person and when I feel under appreciated it certainly hurts. I'm just glad that she understands. She said she would have actually been shocked if I wasn't upset and would have wondered about us funny enough! But she explained it well for me and her and I will be together soon.