Is it the distance?

[BlackRoseOpal]

I'm going to make this short and sweet and get to the point.

I haven't been able to see, speak, barely even text my SO lately because he's in a super hard college and I've got work, a school musical, AND preparing for college.

But I have been able to spend SOME time with my friend, who is my ex-boyfriend. We've more or less settled our differences. But we had a very serious relationship for almost four years, and I was just selfish and screwed it over. Just recently, yesterday actually (march 27th) would have marked four years and that really messed with me.

Is it just the lack of communication with my current SO that I'm trying to find someone to cling to because I feel like I'm starting to regret the way I treated him and wishing I could go back to the way things were.

So...yea is it just withdrawal or something?

[snow_girl]

Maybe you should stop hanging out with him. Can't heal old scars if you keep picking at them back open.

[loveknowsnodistance27]

I agree with snow.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Yes. You're feeling nostalgic for a past relationship that was significant to you.
I suggest you don't dwell on it too much.

You said march 27th wouldve been your four years, and that you were together nearly that long, so I'm guessing that relationship ended fairly recently. It's possible you've not quite healed over after that break up. Even if it was a couple of months ago, four years is a long time, and so it's going to take you a while to shake that connection with yourself and that relationship off.

Focus on enjoying your SO and your present, rather than thinking about the past. It won't make you happy, it'll just make you doubt what makes you happy now.

[CynicalQuixotic]

I don't know. She didn't give any indication that she still has feelings for her ex. If that is the case, BlackRoseOpal, I would say run away fast. If not, I don't think spending a little bit of time with an ex is a terrible thing. I would proceed carefully, however. I was in a relationship that would've been 5 years a month ago, and I had similar feelings, even though I am very, very glad not to be with my ex anymore.

[lala]

Well me and my SO have not that much contact too because of work and school and time difference, but we both have the same strong feelings for eachother, so that it doesn't matter if we talk everyday or every 4 days..as long we know that we just want eachother.. there was a reason why you broke up with your Ex.. now it can be that it was a mistake and you realised it now or it was the right decision and you are now just confused and in addition miss your SO and need someone who is there for you.. well I guess you have to figure it out

[temporaryuser]

are you willing to loose what you have with your so to find out if theer is still a connection with your ex? being friends with an ex is one thing. But if you are wanting to go back to the way things were with your ex, you need to be honest with yourself and your so that your feeling may not be as strong as you thought.
And what happens if you did get back with your ex and things really havent changed? You loose the good things you had in your current so.
Your relationship with your ex started when you were 14. You have grown a lot since then and so has he. Would that relationship survive college and the distance that could bring? You are already in a ldr with someone that understands the distance.

[BlackRoseOpal]

are you willing to loose what you have with your so to find out if theer is still a connection with your ex? being friends with an ex is one thing. But if you are wanting to go back to the way things were with your ex, you need to be honest with yourself and your so that your feeling may not be as strong as you thought.
And what happens if you did get back with your ex and things really havent changed? You loose the good things you had in your current so.
Your relationship with your ex started when you were 14. You have grown a lot since then and so has he. Would that relationship survive college and the distance that could bring? You are already in a ldr with someone that understands the distance.

Very true. we did start our relationship really early, but we really were in love. I admit, I changed A LOT when I went to a different school than him, but it was like a slow tear away. I think all this might be because we've finally stopped fighting and my subconscious is like "ooh, herp derp, there's still hope!" when really the wounds are JUST healing, not miraculously disappearing... does that make sense?

[LoveL]

We've more or less settled our differences. But we had a very serious relationship for almost four years, and I was just selfish and screwed it over.

This quote right here indicates that you probably still have some residual feelings as far as this relationship goes, as you wrote it to sound like you blame yourself for ruining an otherwise good thing.

This is not healthy and I would surmise that you need some distance from this still. You aren't ready to be friends with this guy yet, let alone close friends who spend time together on your own.

Throw all of that into the mix when you are having doubts and/or feelings of distance and separation from your LDR and you're just asking for trouble.

If you are committed to the new person, then just stay away from Mr. X. It's not time to try and open that back up yet, if ever.

[dglynn77]

If you are committed to the new person, then just stay away from Mr. X. It's not time to try and open that back up yet, if ever.

Agreed! It is so hard to be casual friends with someone you had such strong feelings for!

[Lady Death]

You know what they say about avoiding exes.

Either that the ex is here to gloat that they are better off without you or that you might fall in love with them all over again.


In this case, it's the latter one.
Next time you and your SO have a little time to spare, make the most of it.
Remind yourself why you love your SO and why you're gonna stay.
Have a routine that involves leaving him short e-mails before you go to bed. I usually do that when I can't contact my SO in real-time.

[Sierra]

Ex are an ex for a reason. If you had a serious relationship with this person and you're in a serious relationship now, you really shouldn't be associating with the ex. Especially in a long distance relationship, talk about creating issues and insecurities.

An important ex needs to remain in the past to move forward with someone new.

[Biscous]

That's not the best source of consolation when trying to build a current relationship with your LDR. I don't think your boyfriend appreciates that either and it gives him the wrong impression. I know I would certainly not feel comfortable with my woman hanging around with her ex. If it were your boyfriend hanging out with his ex, would you feel the least bit uneasy knowing this?

[BlackRoseOpal]

That's not the best source of consolation when trying to build a current relationship with your LDR. I don't think your boyfriend appreciates that either and it gives him the wrong impression. I know I would certainly not feel comfortable with my woman hanging around with her ex. If it were your boyfriend hanging out with his ex, would you feel the least bit uneasy knowing this?

The difficult part about answering this is that he's best friends with one of his ex's (who happens to be a very jealous ex). But from how he acts, I don't believe he has anymore feelings for her...but I guess I always wonder if SHE will ever make a move, so I see your point.