How do I handle this?

[Eric1221]

Okay so I have wanted a boyfriend for a long time & I have been to many different sites looking for people who live near me and stuff. So recently me & this guy michael have become friends and went on a date and I hung out at his house & it was a great time. However.. everytime i get involved with a guy my mom becomes a burden. Like- she hates the idea that I meet people online & I'll hang out with people that I really don't know. I've been with a couple of people that I met online & time and time again my mom still reacts like, "Eric, what are yah crazy? Meeting people online? Meet somebody here ! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PPL ! DO YOU KNOW THE FAMILY? DO YOU KNOW THEIR FRIENDS? HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY AREN'T DEALING DRUGS? ETC" Basically she begins asking me a million and one questions and than she'll say things like, "Eric, this person does not care about you! Oh please! You don't even know them!"

Another part of this situation is that I happen to be attracted to black men. It's just my preference. My family is all white pretty much & when I told my mom this both her and my dad didn't really react in the way I hoped for. My dad wasn't as bad but he wasn't too keen on it. My mom was like, "Eric.. why black? I don't understand why it has to be a black guy? They're different ppl! Ya not supposed to mix.." & she tells me she's disgusted with the idea of it. This makes me feel bad because I don't feel the way that she feels. I don't feel like ALL black people are bad people or they are DIFFERENT. I think people are people... But anyways this makes it hard to tell her but I usually tell her anyways and deal with her constant comments and things she has to say that she's repeated like 100 times in a row.

This messes with the situation because I met that guy Michael recently, who is black and he's a nice guy & I want to tell my mother because hes about a half hour from me which isn't long at all. Not really a long distance relationship but this is the closest somebody has ever been to me. The thing is I'm pretty sure my mom would be like, "ERIC! WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY? Driving out to somebody that you don't even know! In an area that is bad? WHat's wrong with you? Are you really that desperate?" I wish I could be honest with my mom and tell her things but everytime i tell her situations that I'm involving myself with her constant nagging, comments and attitude about the situation drain me & I can't even enjoy myself sometimes. I was hoping somebody could enlighten the situation for me further & give me a good way to tell my mother about this new guy. I already lied to her twice and said I was hanging out with my friend keisha meanwhile I really went out to dinner with him. Than yesterday I told her I was going to keishas house & I drove out to him. I understand my mom is feeling this way because she loves me and she doesn't want anything bad to happen to me... but I'm 19 years old... I mean I feel as if just because I may not be doing adult things all the time that I deserve privacy and I don't need to be like watched over every second. Last night when I was with him she was texting me and calling me a million times and asking me where I was and being like, "Where are you? I'm gonna start following you. I'm gonna put a gps in the car so I know where you are !"

I honestly just don't really know what to do. I mean it's going to come out eventually but I would rather not argue with her that this guy is a nice guy, he's further away but the area he lives in is not bad. The area is known to be more spanish and black but that doesn't mean it was a bad area. I drove their yesterday and my car was outside the house the whole time nobody did anything. How do I handle this? Can somebody enlighten this for me a little bit? I'd appreciate it so much thank you so much if you read this.. <3

[snow_girl]

Some people are unfortunately stuck in their small minded ways (no offense to your mom) and can't see any other views other then their own. Why not invite him over or if she doesn't agree with that invite her out for lunch with you and him so she can get to know him? There is still a stigma over meeting people online, I can understand why she worries but instead of hiding it which will only upset her more when she finds out ask her to get to know him and see who he is for herself.

[Eric1221]

It's okay i understand my moms view of the situation is close minded no offense taken. & I want to just get to know him more before i invite her out to dinner with him. I just have a feeling if i said it to her she'd b like, "Eric nooo that's just strange i feel funny." I'll try it eventually.. I just wanna get to know him more before I say anything really. It's just the whole situation about driving to him and when she asks me where I am. because if i tell her I'm in a town 30 minutes away she's gonna b like WITH WHO WAT R U DOING? than if i tell her who it is she's gonna bug that I don't know him and that he could kill me and stuff. She gets very over dramatic. I understand those things happen but I usually can read peoples motives.

[LoveL]

How many people have you been with over the course of the last couple of years? She may need to see that one of these relationships, which starts online, can actually produce something long term. She needs to get to the point where she, and I guess your dad too, can trust that you are getting yourself into something a little deeper than just a few dates.

Another little question, if you're certain about someone and your knowledge of who they are as a person want to be with them, then why not just introduce them to your parents? They can see that this new person is involved enough in your life to want to be part of it and to want to meet the family. So why not just have a sit down with them and let them see you together?

It's strange to me that they would be OK with your lifestyle but still have weird ideas about racial mixing or whatever they call it. Usually the same people who have weird racial biases also have some type of negative response to being gay as well. How long have you been out with them? Whole life? Short time frame? If it hasn't been that long, then they're probably dealing with having to adjust to that, as well as the internet thing, as well as the racial thing and they just don't know how to cope with it yet.

[Hololz]

Can you invite him over to yours just to hang out together while your mum is there. Play video games or watch a movie together, something like that. Just dont go upstairs, shut the door and not come out for hours. If you do stuff she can join in with too, it might be less awkward than say a lunch date. If she see's you hanging out together as friends first, she might be more open to the idea of it becoming a relationship. If she's in the house with you, she may feel more safe about letting you see him?

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

How many people have you been with over the course of the last couple of years? She may need to see that one of these relationships, which starts online, can actually produce something long term. She needs to get to the point where she, and I guess your dad too, can trust that you are getting yourself into something a little deeper than just a few dates.

I have to agree with this right now. From your previous posts, you've been dating around a bit, had a few short-term things... you even say yourself at the start of this post "I've been looking for a boyfriend".

I'm not surprised that your mum worries about this. Although I'm sure you're meeting nice people online, there are people out there who aren't so nice, and the more you search specifically online for dating, the more likely you are at some point to run into someone not-so-nice. Your mum is worrying about you. I'm not advocating her racial ideas, but I am advocating her being wary about your dating. You have been meeting quite a few people from online, and I don't think it's necessarily the best, safest way to date. I don't mean any disrespect to people who have met their SO through internet dating, but you're 19, you're young, internet dating should not necessarily be your priority.

You are still living in your parents' home, and I think, unfortunately, that means you should be open and honest about where you're going and who you're meeting. Especially if you're meeting people from online. If it was the one person that you'd met online, I would be giving you different advice. But as you've met a few... I can understand how your Mum worries rather than takes this seriously. I don't think you're going to get the reaction you want out of your parents until you're in a long term, stable relationship, rather than in and out of short-term flings.

[Eric1221]

Well I talked to my parents about everything. They basically said I'm crazy that I'm meeting people online - I don't use my brain & people can hurt me. They said they feel that it's way too soon for me to be hanging out with him at his house & stuff. I understand what they mean. I told him we just have to go on more casual dates & get to know each other more & than eventually I'll introduce him 2 my parents. I mean I understand going to his house is more of a quick thing to do but it just doesn't bother me. We aren't having sex. He cooked us food we hung out watched a movie until later at night. Only reason I stayed for so long was because it was a fun time and he lives half hour away so even though it's not long distance it is a long amount of time to be driving sometimes back and forth especially with gas prices and stuff. I'm just hoping this doesn't make him feel like he's in a tug a war with my family because they don't like the idea of me hanging out with somebody who lives further away who i met online & stuff. They feel the area he lives in is bad also which they don't want me driving to but I did drive there and it wasn't bad. The car sat outside the house the whole night and nothing bad happened.. but i understand their point of view. The guy i'm speaking to said to me "I just don't want to be playing tug o war with you n ur family."

---------- Post added at 08:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:26 PM ----------

Can you invite him over to yours just to hang out together while your mum is there. Play video games or watch a movie together, something like that. Just dont go upstairs, shut the door and not come out for hours. If you do stuff she can join in with too, it might be less awkward than say a lunch date. If she see's you hanging out together as friends first, she might be more open to the idea of it becoming a relationship. If she's in the house with you, she may feel more safe about letting you see him?

My mom said she doesn't want to give him our address. She doesn't feel comfortable. I guess I just have to ask him to meet up at different restaurants so we can go out to eat & talk & stuff. idk