How do I stop obsessing?

[ldrhourglass]

This is my first post and I have to warn everyone that I am in a whiny phase. Can't seem to find anything positive as of now. We have been together for a year and half now, and almost 7-8 months of long distance. He is in a different country studying and is 2 and a half hours ahead of me.

Ever since going long distance we have had problems with talking. He has a very busy schedule and is part of a lot of activities in college (we are not young, I am older 29 and he is 3 years younger). When we were here he was sweet and we always had things to do on the weekend. I stay away from my family as I work in a different city. I am not very outgoing and several false starts in this city have made me very wary of making friends here. He on the other hand is very social.

We have had several arguments over video chatting and communication in general. He likes to take a when he can approach and I end up wanting a fixed time so that I don't get anxious. I feel so resentful sometimes because he has a lot of things to do and it seems that he forgets me when he is doing all that. Worse is the times when he cancels, he doesn't bother to reschedule. And when we fight about the cancellation he tells me off and makes it sound like I am being unreasonable. He is under pressure and talks of how frustrated he is and he can't seem to handle anything. But I have a lot of pressures of my own too, my job, being the only earning member in my family, parents getting old. So how come I still manage time for him and he feels so pressured? There were problems at his family with his father having a major illness a few months ago, but it has been cured and thing is his mother is handling it all on her own in our home country. He does not have that responsibility.

I end up feeling that asking him to spend time with me on days that he has promised it himself is like feeling as if I am dependent. He tells me that its just till his course and after that we will be together forever and this course is what he is doing to build a base for us. I am resenting him a lot because I have tried telling him how this feels like rejection to me but he tells me I need to trust him and that I am free to think what I feel. I find these statements very hurtful and have conveyed that to him.

My question isn't about whether I should be with him or not. Right now I am not considering breaking up, so please do not advice me on those lines. I just want to feel more in control here and that I can have some dignity. My mom says I should just stop worrying, keep busy, pray or meditate to keep these feelings at bay. She knows how paranoid and anxious I get. I just can't seem to stop and I keep pouring out all these feelings to him. Sometimes I want to ask him if we can just delete each other from blackberry messenger because I feel it leads to this constant talking with no resolution and also it makes him feel that just that is ok for communication and puts no effort further. We have been having so many fights and both of us are really tired.

[browneyedgirl08]

To stop obsessing, I would agree with your mom, meditate. If you have a smart phone with youtube, search meditation or relaxation techniques. After a few days your obsessions will subside.

Perhaps you can step back and let him deal with school and focus on you.

My new guy (we're not in a relationship yet, but we are talking), didn't call me for almost three weeks, I thought I did something wrong and began obsessing, until he texted and called. For those days, in the beginning, I began obsessing why why why. I continued to mediate, get a good night sleep, focus on work etc etc etc.

Then one day he texted me. Its hard for him to call me since he works at night and I work during the day. When he called me I told him he could call me whenever he wanted to clear things up. So now he is calling me during the evening after work or on Sunday.

Ease your mind and he will come back stronger.

[Softy]

Keeping busy is the best thing of all really.
I'm kinda new to this site here and saw plenty of ideas and activities to do (alone and with your long distance lover).

There is no miracle cure for 'the wait'.
See your family, have dinner with friends, girls night out, movies.
Practice your fav hobbies or even find new ones!
Maybe take some night classes or something artsy~!

One of my friend poked me a few months ago about taking some 'cartoon making' night classes (once a week).
Then I asked 'why?' and he said 'why not?'.
I went, it took my mind out of things a bit, also met some super friendly and talented ppl there.

So many a new hobby , meeting new ppl, goin out of your comfort zone or interest?

[ldrhourglass]

Thank you everyone for the advice. To all of you who have started on these hobbies and stuff, I have a question, often times I start and then it takes my mind off for a bit, but then he starts coming forward a little and I go back to all the usual stuff. Any ideas for keeping focus? At present all I want is for him to chase me a little or atleast want to (it may sound childish, just that I am feeling frustrated with his lack of initiative). Also for those who have been in relationships longer, how do you sustain this? Does it always remain a push and pull? He is my most serious relationship and I am finding it tough to balance this. I guess I did think it would be easier than this, especially because everything is always much better in the honeymoon phase. I have an unpredictable schedule at work, it changes from day to day, so classes are something I feel wary of joining, but I should give it one more try. I guess part of my frustration is because I feel if he takes me for granted right now how will it be 5-6 years down the line. Sigh, my over thinking part talking again.

[Forca]

As cliche as this sounds, Time heals all. You will slowly get into the swing of things with him gone and it will get a little easier.

I have to say, it's a hard balance keeping the person you love in your life but also not thinking about them too much that it drives you crazy.

[meganpillow]

I took advantage of the time apart and kept myself busy too! I am now doing yoga, pilates, zumba, read novels, take long walks, start random projects, volunteer and all sorts of things!

[Malaga]

There's no need for him to chase you if you're always available. You said it too, as soon as you find something to fill out your time, he comes forward a bit. If you're there day or night, he feels confident enough to focus on other things knowing you'll be there anyway whenever he calls. If you want him to reach for you, you have to leave some space between you. Don't close that space completely or he'll move away again. Just keep that in mind when you want to drop a hobby for him.

I'm not saying you should play games with him. But focus on your own life for a bit. Give it another try when it comes to making friends - you can't rely solely on your long-distance boyfriend to fulfill your social needs. Maybe you could go for an after-work drink with colleagues. I've gone to concerts and movies alone, it's not quite as fun as going with someone else but it's still OK and it helps pass the time. Definitely better than staying in staring at the phone. You could go jogging every evening or morning, it'll definitely be good for you. Just get out of the house whenever you have the chance.

Edit: Also, relationships don't progress in a linear way but they go through cycles -- if you guys persist and don't drift apart, you'll have a second honeymoon, and third, and fourth.

[Softy]

Yes, you are thinking way too much sweets.
Take time for urself, hang out with friends.
I wouldn't say ignore him, but I think he will actually appreciate you more seeing you are independent and know how to take care of yourself and keep yourself busy. If he loves you, he will reach for you. I know sometimes it's hard, but try to give him breathing space and keep positive thoughts.
cheers

[ldrhourglass]

Thank you. All the advice really helps. I have also been reading the site and finding out about similar experiences of people. It does appear that I may be a little rigid about these things because I always thought that a weekly web chat was good and that it should be followed and had such other shoulds. Reading here I have seen that while there are people who skype everyday, there are also those who skype intermittently. So let's see how this goes. Need to regulate my own thoughts. As for the hobbies and stuff, getting started. The practise for today was to not think about contacting him and also controlling the impulse a few times. Its hard for me and sometimes feels like I am giving in to him or that he may start thinking I am getting distant etc but it may be better for my sanity.

[Softy]

you can do it : )

[CharmedByTheBlue]

you can do it : )

Even though youre not feeling positive.. Softy is right, you can!!
I reeeeally get why you're feeling anxious, worried & frustrated. Why? Because.. I get the impression that you think waaaay to much, LIKE ME! So we're in this together lol!

So as a fellow over-thinker, here's a few things I picked up and some advice:

He is under pressure ... But I have a lot of pressures of my own too

I got the impression here that you feel kind of like your responsibilities are being out weighed by his. Like I see it, you both have equally very stressful situations. The thing is, when we're under pressure and stressed... us humans tend to be a liiiittle cranky :] Then we take it out on the ones that care about us. Both of you deserve the support and understanding that is needed for people carrying more responsibilities. So give him the benefit of the doubt, that he's actually annoyed with that dumb lecturer at College/Varsity who always gives a ton of studying instead of you. And vice versa!

It sounds pretty cheesey to mention the quote, "Treat others like you want to be treated".. but it really helps. Giving your guy a positive reaction (being understanding, supportive, upbuilding) instead of a negative reaction will result in a positive back.


When it comes to communicating -
Keeping in mind the attitude mentioned before, maybe decide together when is the best time to chat in the day/week and/or weekend, so that you dont catch each other in a bad mood (tired, in study mode, etc) and decide to stick to it. My suggestion is, (since I know how my brother is with his girlfriend when he studies in the week.. also a "when I can approach" sometimes) make it an after work and studies time. I've been told by quite a few LDRers that sometimes talking every 2nd day or once a week when both are very busy is better since it gets you all excited and you actually have things to talk about since you dont know each others day to day happenings.

It would really help to get to a middle ground together and decide on the whens and hows with communicating. Once thats out of the way it'll be a lot simpler.

Also, try keep things positive. I'm not saying ignore all the negatives, just dont let that become the main topic. The idea is that you finish the conversation smiling to yourself

then he starts coming forward a little and I go back to all the usual stuff

If you start socialising more or taking up a simple hobby (it can be as simple as reading, no need to get fancy ) stick with it. You're doing it for yourself. It's all about balance - you cant stop your whole life for him, but you shouldnt ignore him either.

At present all I want is for him to chase me a little or atleast want to (it may sound childish, just that I am feeling frustrated with his lack of initiative)

I understand the point you mentioned here. It's not actually "chasing".. you just want to see him putting in effort in for you too. Which is normal, after all.. relationships are two-way streets! :] So, try resist that anxiousness and not message him too much if he's frustrated or "can't handle things" on a day for example. Wait for him to message you. I'm sure you'd take a step back with the right attitude, not because you're being spiteful or anything. The goal is equal give and take :]

You mentioned that you were worried he may think things once or twice, try to avoid that impulse of assuming too. I also worry like that, "what if this person thinks that? and this?" its dangerous. Assumption is not good, in general! Especially when you cant see someones face, one can easily misinterpret or find hidden meanings so sometimes we've just gotta be simple about it.

I hope this doesnt seem like rambling, and that my perspective helps in some way!!

Sincerely,
A Fellow Over-Thinker
x

[ldrhourglass]

Charmedbytheblue, that was a very comprehensive answer and yes I am an overthinker lol. The thing is I have tried to negotiate these terms of regular once a week or something. Only when somehow it gets cancelled he won't reschedule or even think that much of it. Not in a bad way, but it just doesn't seem to strike him as that big a deal. Whereas I am the kind who, if I cancel on someone, will do that the moment I am done with the reason for the cancellation. Like the cancellation is then my first priority. When I recently brought it up, he said that he has the right to his fun too. Now I have told him time and again, I dont mind him having fun, but I am not comfortable being sacrificed for that fun. That somehow makes me feel less than, dont you think? So I am trying to communicate respectfully that my needs are important too and it is slightly unfair to be expected to be the one making changes always. Somehow he always wants me to let things slide and I am so not comfortable with that lol.

[CharmedByTheBlue]

Thanks ldrhourglass I like to analyse and well.. think. a lot. LOL

The thing is I have tried to negotiate these terms of regular once a week or something. Only when somehow it gets cancelled he won't reschedule or even think that much of it. Not in a bad way, but it just doesn't seem to strike him as that big a deal.

Sigh. Unfortunately, men are like this. (I've pulled out my own hair with my BROTHER on this!) But that doesnt mean it's okay for them to treat things like this. If talking about it and coming to a middle ground on this doesnt work, then my suggestion is 'put the breaks on'. What I mean by that is, if you feel youre putting in an excess amount of effort into this.. slow your efforts down, with a good attitude. Like i said before, not a smidgen of spitefulness should be in your motive.

So, for example - if he doesnt contact you on the day or time he said he would.. leave it. (Did I just tell an over thinker to not act on impulse? Yip.. we're going to beat this thing!! ) Dont send him a "Why havent you called?" or anything, let him contact you. When he does, maybe ask if he had a tough week.. instead of asking why he hasnt contacted you. I cannot stress how much relationships work on equal give and take - thats why you're feeling like he doesnt care, and like you care too much.

Whereas I am the kind who, if I cancel on someone, will do that the moment I am done with the reason for the cancellation. Like the cancellation is then my first priority.

Ohhhhh my goodness.. it scares me how much those two sentences sound like me! Being the extremely selfless, kind and loyal person that you are; the average person does not go into as half as much an effort as you or I do. That means sometimes we feel like we're doing all the 'work' in the relationship.

I've struggled for SUCH a long time to literally 'protect' myself when it comes to doing this type of thing, and I think you need to be extra strict with yourself on this too. We cant make people care as much as we do, so let him 'meet you halfway' (Oh yes, just threw in a Black Eyed Peas lyric ) when it comes to making an effort in your LDR.

When I recently brought it up, he said that he has the right to his fun too.

Waaaaait a second - this is not right. Honestly, this really hurtful. Since when have you become the 'chore' in his life? You are also the fun and great part in his life, not the thing that he sacrifices happiness and his fun for. Reality check dude! Dont hesistate to deal with issues like this, because when people lose respect for each other in a relationship - things get rocky.

So I am trying to communicate respectfully that my needs are important too and it is slightly unfair to be expected to be the one making changes always. Somehow he always wants me to let things slide and I am so not comfortable with that lol.

Thats good, keep up the discussing things. I'm not saying just ignore everything, but as overthinkers we do kind of need to let things 'slide' a little.. and give it time. Let the other person come forward on their own.

I know it makes you anxious and you have to fight your impulses, but the end result will be worth it. The important bit is to keep it positive.

P.S. If it makes you feel like we're in this together, because I've been fighting my impulse contact 'him' this week.. Sometimes you just got to let the dude 'marinade' a bit on his own. (Did she just refer to this guy as a steak? Yip, I'm letting the steak marinade! Cooking can be applied to life ladies and gents )

x

[Andi]

Thank you everyone for the advice. To all of you who have started on these hobbies and stuff, I have a question, often times I start and then it takes my mind off for a bit, but then he starts coming forward a little and I go back to all the usual stuff. Any ideas for keeping focus? At present all I want is for him to chase me a little or atleast want to (it may sound childish, just that I am feeling frustrated with his lack of initiative). Also for those who have been in relationships longer, how do you sustain this? Does it always remain a push and pull? He is my most serious relationship and I am finding it tough to balance this. I guess I did think it would be easier than this, especially because everything is always much better in the honeymoon phase. I have an unpredictable schedule at work, it changes from day to day, so classes are something I feel wary of joining, but I should give it one more try. I guess part of my frustration is because I feel if he takes me for granted right now how will it be 5-6 years down the line. Sigh, my over thinking part talking again.

I have the same problem. I am a single mom and have little money. I was saving all my money to take trips to see him (3000 miles away) but on this last trip (I just got back) I told him I will not be coming back until I move there. I told him it was unfair that I was spending every penny on coming to see him which meant I was going to work and then sitting at home alone every single night (my son is 17 and has a life of his own). We were supposed to close the distance in June but now that is pushed off until August (if i can get everything together by then) if that falls through then January for sure. We have been long distance since July so we are getting close to our 1 year. He says he understands and now I am enrolled in 2 dance classes (I used to be a professional dancer) and a trapeze class (I started aerial arts in july but had to quit because I couldn't afford it). Some of my classes start next week. My advise is get yourself so busy you don't have time to think. You will not always be available for calls on his time and I promise he will "chase" you more. I understand where you are coming from with the chase thing. It's not a game it's a matter of feeling like you matter. I get it. i wish i could say it gets easier but for it has not. Plus our date to close the distance keeps getting pushed off. I love him and he loves me. We talked when i was there and he said I was worth waiting for and he will happily wait as long as it takes. I love him so much and I know he is the one i will be with forever but in the meantime I'm going crazy. Message me if you need to talk or vent. i obsess as well, use this site. It helps!! Good luck!!

[ldrhourglass]

Thank you again everyone. Andi, I am sorry for what you are going through and I really do know what finances mean. I am ok but not in a position where I can fully support my parents with my salary (they are retired and in our country we don't have things like social security). So I truly get when you say that money is such a huge factor in feeling secure about a lot of things and pursuing hobbies. I know I have cut down on socialising sometimes because of lack of money. Its also why I haven't managed many friends in this city as its an expensive city and going out means shelling out atleast 1k. I don't have any answers but can just say you are not alone.

Charmedbytheblue, again a very detailed reply that helped. Yes, the struggle is just communicating and impressing upon him how these things matter to me. I was very hurt by that comment about him wanting his own fun and especially said in the context of a day he had initially planned for us, only to be ruined by an unexpected visit by a friend from another country. I have tried telling him I am not against him having fun or going out, but when the rest of his time is spent studying, I feel I am being pushed to the background.

He said once too when I asked why he wouldn't be more forthcoming that I don't give him an opportunity to be romantic because there is always some issue going on (I have stuff going on at work and its been happening for long, the other issues though have slowly sorted themselves out, but work keeps me depressed sometimes). He feels he cannot do anything from there.

He was slightly forthcoming this morning but I am now a little too wary of these things. It becomes like a pattern, we fight, I apologise (mostly its me because I hate dragging things for long), then when we are relatively calmer I try to explain my side and tell him what I felt, sometimes he listens to all the stuff I pour out with intermittent requests to let it just be (he is the kind who ignores a problem and lets it sort on its own). At other times things are not calm enough and I end up feeling further frustrated. I think I am writing out too much. Yesterday he admitted he had been slightly wrong, but eventually I end up feeling I don't see the remorse he expresses in words translated into action. That is my biggest grouse I think. So write now I don't know how to stand my ground, I don't do the silent treatment, I have been a recipient of that and I think its highly immature to do it. I don't know how to stand my ground. And I end up wanting a resolution to all these things before I can be more loving/fun towards him.