it's hard and I need advice

[jul2012]

I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 years. I live in Australia and he lives in USA.
I am in my late 30's and he is in his 40's. Our relationship has been wonderful so far, and we've had visits, emails, and phone calls during this duration.
Recently, I just felt that I wanted something more than just maintaining a long distance relationship and I mentioned that I want to be with him in the same country. The only option is through a visa for fiancee or marriage but this subject has not even been brought up by him. When I asked him about how both of us would be together in the future, he replied that he has a job there, and that I have a job here in Australia and he can't relocate to Australia to work. But I am not asking him to give up his job to move here, and I am willing to move. He keeps on telling me to be committed to our relationship, but I don't know if it's even going to lead to marriage due to the uncertainty that he always talks about, for example, the current economic recession.

I am disheartened and I want both of us to have a plan to bridge the distance and it's hard for me to keep on waiting till the day he wants to make a deeper commitment to our relationship through marriage.

If anyone is able to give me any advice, I would appreciate it a lot.

[Slats]

It's hard to balance what are necessary sacrifices and what are foolish decisions, but I think both of you need to talk through what you are willing to do for your relationship to work and for both of you to finally unite. If there is an option you think is plausible, you should bring it up instead of waiting for him to pick up on it! (But please do not mistake marriage as the solution to the issues you are experiencing in your relationship.) Also don't close the door on other options just because you find one option the most optimal, you'll have to meet each other at least somewhat half-way, and sometimes that means you'll literally be meeting each other half-way. Perhaps both of you could relocate. There are easier places to live than the US.

[Softy]

If I read it right: Relationship began 01/06/2007?
Is that correct?

I don't know how you could wait that long really.
I know it can be difficult to relocate but if it's love, the two of you should be able to talk and find a way to be together.
And the subject of marriage can be touchy a tad with some ppl.

Talk with him, make sure you both know what you want out of that relationship.

[Safiyah]

I think that after five years, it's normal to have expectations and want to close the distance. Like Softy said, make sure you have the same expectations. I'm not saying he's one of them, but there are also people who are emotionally unavailable and therefore only want a long distance relationship. And then when there is a chance to bridge the distance, they get uncomfortable and try to find excuses because they are terrified of having a real, intimate relationship and having to make a real commitment.

[haribo0603]

I suppose you are so hard to think both of your future. I am sorry to write my concerns here but it is possible your friend partly wants to keep his freedom avoiding his marriage or commitment as your friend is in his 40's and your relationship has been for 5 years. If he really would like to have a family, he would already decide something. Also I suppose you will gradually think to have a baby when you are in your late 30's.

Of course you should talk with your friend about both of your future, and also you should think the priority of your life, e.g. whether you can resign your present job, whether you can find a job in US and want to move to US even without marriage, whether you want a baby even you do not go to US, whether you need a partner who gets marriage with you even if it is not him, or whether you simply want to keep the relationship with your friend. If you can not obtain all (it is sad to say it, but sometimes it is a fact), what do you really want? How does your friend think your priorities?

The present days can be said the time to wait a deeper commitment but it is also regarded as a part of your relationship. Anything is not too late in your life, even to get marriage or to move to other country, except having a baby for a woman.

I hope you and your friend would make a thoughtful decision for both of you.

[Moon]

I'm 41 and in the US, my guy is 40 and is in Finland, so I understand how it feels, we've been together three years. We have no plans at this point to close the distance, but in our case, we're OK with that, because when you get to this age, it's not so easy to just leave a career, a mortgage, kids, etc. If you feel like you're ready though, you're the one who is going to have to bring up marriage and moving. There aren't a lot of options to just move to the states, but marriage is one of them. I think that, after 5 years, it's time for him to make a choice, or at least give you some kind of timeline to work with. Once you've reached the point in your relationship where you're just done with the distance mentally, there isn't any going back, and you need to first decide if you're prepared to end the relationship if you two cannot reach a compromise here. It's probably time to have a serious and possibly uncomfortable discussion about this, because once you've had enough of the distance, you can't be truly happy and content in your relationship again, while still apart. Good luck.

[jul2012]

Hi everyone, thanks for giving me some points to think about, and I will talk to him when I meet him again during his coming visit to Australia in December this year.