Young and Committed

[niikkimb]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. We've been through so much together... He is 14 and I am 15 so we know that the world doubts us. We aren't attracted to anyone else, we tell each other everything, when we get to be together.... It's the most amazing experience. I've learned so much about life. I've learned that I can't expect things to be a fairy tail. I can't smother him... I need to trust that he is God's and will be in safe hands. I've learned that I need to give him space and that he cannot be my whole life. We truly want this to work. He is so kind and loving. Sometimes I want more affection than he gives me or for him to call me more, but I understand that he can't be my one source of joy and it is selfish of me to expect him to spend every minute on the phone with me. Lately, we've gone through a break up but we couldn't do it... We want to work through problems together and not give up because our love is strong and a gift from God that we can't throw away. Two weeks after the break up, I was an emotional wreck. We had gotten back together and every little thing he said or didn't say would set me off. I was fearful. I realized that forgiveness means moving on and trusting that he won't hurt me like that again. I need to have more faith. This was good and fine... We were on the road to recovery when suddenly he announced that he didn't know if he could do this anymore. He said he loves me to death with all of his heart but it's just too much. So we said we would take a break for a week. One day into the break with no contact and he called me to say he missed me like crazy already. So we talked. I told him the things I realized... The things about used that needed to change in order for us to work. So far, things have been going well. He had to study so our only communication was texting and then tonight before bed he called me to say that he loved me and vise versa. However, I am still feeling worried. I fear that tomorow he will break my heart again... I know that I need to forgive him an trust in God that no matter what I'm going to be ok. I don't think that he'll leave me... Honestly. He knows that he loves me and I love him and that we need to just remember how good we've truly got it. We've decided to enjoy each other and not be obsessive about it. We know that we need to not pressure eachother by talking about the future so much. It hurts that I can't give him the physical affection he desires. I want to hold him and love on him. He told me that it hurts him so badly that we can't have that and that was part of the reason he wanted to break up. He realized that it was worse that way, though. How do I shake my anxiety? How do I stay unobsessed? He needs space but at the same time he wants to be with me all of the time. Im so confused and want to always do the right thing. I try so hard to do what makes him happy and to follow what God wants... I'm scared and hurt and stressed out. I don't want to lose him. It's always been hard for him because his friends give him pressure. It hurts him that they get to be with their girlfriends. But we have is more important and worth waiting for. He's been depressed lately and hormonal and in a funk... I need advice.

[Shepard-Fowkes]

Alright, this is coming from somebody who does NOT have the same sort of beliefs that you do (I'm not religious or even theist. It's complicated.)

I'd say the number one way to "stay unobsessed" with him is to take off that stress of believing that your relationship is "what God wants". I get that your faith is important to you and I get that you believe this God you believe in gave this relationship to you. But if your God is the gift-giving sort, then you've also been given a brain and guts. Your brain will help you override the stupid decisions your heart makes. Your guts will tell you when you've made those bad decisions. You also have to let go of the idea that any problems in your relationship don't have to be worked though and that any doubts don't have to be paid attention to. Even the best relationships need hard work to make sure they stay strong. I also have to warn you to never stay in an unfixable relationship that you're unhappy with. You're too young to just settle for the first guy to make googly-eyes at you if you can't be fully happy with him. Compromise is vital in a relationship, but it sounds like you two might be unhappy about the compromises you're having to make.

It's normal to be anxious about your relationship, especially after you two have already broken up or taken a break twice. I think only time can really help you there. It's good that you two talked about what caused the break ups and breaks and are working through some of those issues. Maybe once all those issues are worked out, you'll start feeling better. It's really important right now that you talk to him about how you're feeling. It's okay to have doubts, especially after what you two have been through. You two should also spend time away from each other. You two need to have a social life outside of each other.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I'm glad that you can see that you need to 'stay unobsessed'. I agree. I understand that your boyfriend is important to you, but the kind of intensity you're talking about can put too much pressure on a relationship. You say that you understand that it can't be a fairy tale, so don't treat it that way. Don't make your life about THIS relationship (or any, for that matter).
The best ways to not focus so much on your relationship are to spend time doing things. Don't necessarily plan your time around talking to your boyfriend. Make plans with your friends, just hang out, be a teenager, because it doesn't last for long. Join clubs, start projects, read books that sound interesting, study something just because you love it... just work on enjoying yourself. At the moment you're so involved with your boyfriend that you can't see yourself without him, and that's not healthy for him or you or your relationship with each other.
We at LFAD understand the pains of LDRs. It's tough, it's challenging, and it's a lot of pressure on a relationship. But there are ways of coping with it, and to me, it sounds like you and your SO haven't managed to find lasting ways to cope with the feelings you get from being long distance. Have a look around here for ideas and sympathy. I sincerely hope that you find a way to work through this.

[niikkimb]

We both have social lives. His is bigger than mine, admittedly. Perhaps that's a main reason that I seem to be more needy.

I fear that he will grow tired of me and I won't be good enough. It's so hard to think of our memories and sweet things he used to do because he doesn't seem to want to do those things. He doesn't like when I act affectionate. He doesn't want me telling him he's cute anymore. I'm hurting so badly and I fear that I will never be able to go a day without crying over him again.

---------- Post added at 11:06 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:03 AM ----------

Could you give me some ways of coping? It seems he doesn't want affection or to give it. I think it hurts him when I say things like "come here" or "hold me" that I would find comforting. He doesn't want me I compliment him. He's changed a great deal and I find myself crying every day. I fear that I'm not good enough. That a long distance relationship isn't good enough for him... But he loves me so much that he can't leave me. I don't want him to leave. I want him to love on me like he used to... I want him to fawn over me again. Now it seems he's being distant and whatever I do upsets him.

[efish1042]

Being that he is 14, this sounds like hormone rushes and changes. His body is changing and that affects his mind, too. He won't be the same person at the end of these changes (which for males can continue into their 20's). You said you're 15? As a woman, you're almost at the end of your body/mind changes, but he is right in the thick of it. Testosterone, a hormone that causes men to be lusty, violent, unattached, is rushing and raging through him trying to find balance.
I started my relationship when I was 15, but my SO was 18 so we were both near the ends of our changes. I'm now 18 and he's 21. So I'm not going to tell you you're too young for such a serious relationship. But I am going to tell you that I think he is. LD is hard enough without hormones rushes. Right now, his judgment is seriously impaired and his coping mechanisms are sex and violence. That's just a young teenage boy thing. He may not be having sex or punching people, but he's likely playing violent video games with half naked women in them or something of the sort. This isn't his fault. It just is.
I'm not going to tell you it can't/won't work out. It most certainly can with healthy communication, coping mechanisms (which are really just a lot of staying active and busy), and giving him space.
I am going to tell you that he is unstable right now and that is never a good thing for a relationship, but it can be worked through. I just don't see him working through it. He might, but I don't want to set you up for disappointment.
So you have my virtual hugs and support! Stay busy with school, friends, find a hobby! Communicate, but know when to give him space. I wish you the best of luck, but don't let your hopes get too high because he is unpredictable right now.

[niikkimb]

Its weird. Sorry to get personal but he used to love thi about me but now he says that I'm "too horny" and I just don't know. He's goin through a lot and I'm gonna stick through it with him. I'm gonna step back an give him space and just focus on being happy, strong, and independent like I use to be. I need certain things and I love Alex and if he is who I'm meant to be with, I need to enjoy being with him and be patient and trust that God will give me what I need.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Being that he is 14, this sounds like hormone rushes and changes. His body is changing and that affects his mind, too. He won't be the same person at the end of these changes (which for males can continue into their 20's). You said you're 15? As a woman, you're almost at the end of your body/mind changes, but he is right in the thick of it. Testosterone, a hormone that causes men to be lusty, violent, unattached, is rushing and raging through him trying to find balance.

That's just not true. At 15, maybe she's done growing, but, some physical (such as breast size) and a whole lot of psycho-emotional maturity isn't complete until you're in your mid-20s.

Honestly, love, both of you are young. There's a big difference between 14 and 15, especially if it's the boy whose younger. (I usually am not a fan of blanket statements like these based on gender, but, in this case I really think it's true). He doesn't sound like he's on the same emotional/maturational wavelength as you, and I think it would probably be best to cool it on things and be friends until both of you are a little older and more independent. I have no doubt that you love each other, but, it really does sound like it's heading to an emotionally unhealthy place, and that's not something you need to put up with at the cost of your own happiness.

[Tanja]

I was madly in love when I was 14. I was convinced that no matter what other people said (and oh boy did they say things!) we would be together forever. Well, 2 years later I realized I had changed a lot and so had he. We wanted different things and were on a completely different levels emotionally. I also realized that it was a very unhealthy relationship and he had this emotional hold on me which he used to make me do things he wanted (I lend him money, wouldn't go out with my friends cause he would've "missed" me yet he never asked me if he wanted to go out etc).

At that age you feel like every crush you have is true love and it'll last. But sometimes it just doesn't. I only know one couple who've been together since they were 16 and trust me, I know a lot of couples. Your relationship has every chance to make it but you gotta stop taking it so seriously and focus on your own life, on your studies and exploring yourself, your body and your feelings. You're not to meant to commit to someone when you're 15, you're suppose to enjoy your life and get new experiences. If you and Alex are meant to be together then it will happen but do not make him the center of your life. Not yet.

[Rugger]

This isn't his fault. It just is.
I'm not going to tell you it can't/won't work out. It most certainly can with healthy communication, coping mechanisms (which are really just a lot of staying active and busy), and giving him space.
I am going to tell you that he is unstable right now and that is never a good thing for a relationship, but it can be worked through. I just don't see him working through it. He might, but I don't want to set you up for disappointment.
So you have my virtual hugs and support! Stay busy with school, friends, find a hobby! Communicate, but know when to give him space. I wish you the best of luck, but don't let your hopes get too high because he is unpredictable right now.

Um, YES it is. Going through puberty does not take away his free will. He's being a dick because he wants to, not because of his "raging hormones".

Also, some women don't hit puberty until 15 years old. I didn't. I didn't finish developing until I was 18!

OP, You need to take a step back and try to look at this objectively. What advice would you give a friend whose boyfriend was treating her the same way? WOuld you tell her to stick it out and see if it gets better? Probably not. You'd tell her to talk to him and if he keeps treating her badly to leave. That's what I think you should do. Talk to him about his behavior. Don't accuse him of anything . Start with " I feel..." like " I don't feel good when you say this to me, " I feel badly when you tell me not to call you cute". Not being accusatory can open the channels of communication rather than closing them like being rash would. If he doesn't stop, you need to leave. I don't care how much you love him, someone you love does not treat you like he's been treating you. You are young and life is long, he's not the only one out there.

[niikkimb]

He broke up with me today. My friends are scared that I'll take him back again. I want to be happy and move on and remember the bad mean things he has said and done. But I can't help but feel like I'm giving up. But he said he hasn't loved me for a long time and that he didn't mean it when he said it this past month. He said he's given up. We thought we were going to be together forever. He's done amazing wonderful things for me, too. It's hard. I've got all these sentimental things. I just need to keep my head up and move on. I just feel stupid. I gave him everything... My friends tell me he just fell out of love... It's hard to believe. We were so in love....

[Minerva]

*hugs*

One of the hardest things anyone can go through is a break-up. Don't feel foolish for giving your all. He just wasn't the right one. Cry and let yourself feel awful, and when you don't feel so awful anymore, look back to see what you've learned. I'm much older than you, and have been through a few relationships, and I learned from each one. I'm now with an amazing man who I love with all my heart, and I feel like all the heartbreak I went through taught me how to be with him.

There's no shame in giving something all your effort even if it doesn't work out, and nothing is ever a failure if you can learn something from it.

*hugs again*

[niikkimb]

Thank you(: that's a way I hadn't looked at it... I just want to stop thinking of the good memories and forget how much I love him. I new to cut emotional ties. I've got so many people that love me and support me and I think it's gonna be ok.

[Softy]

It will take time to heal sweetheart but you will be ok
Come in here and say hello from time to time!

/hugs