Twofer

[Lunar Snow]

Yes, two topics for advice!

I think that I may have seen similar threads, when browsing through the forum's history. I can't really find them now and I seem to remember them being different contextually (my apologies for any redundancy), so here are my two topics (questions are in bold, in case you don't want to read through everything):

1. I told my SO that I had been going to this site (I described it as a site with information and advice about long-distance relationships, with a great forum). I thought he might be a bit put out about it or think it was nerdy, but he surprised me and thought it was useful. He seemed really interested in having a look at it, too. My dilemma is that I think it would be cool for him to have a support network like this and I like this site the best, from what I have seen. However, if he starts using the forum, it sort of defeat my attempt to find a resource where I can pose candid questions and comments about the relationship before I over-react with him, etc. (he will know it is me, based on a few elements, but especially my writing style).
-Do you think I should give him the information to check this specific site out?
-How do you feel about your SO using the forum?

2. This relates to the first question. I have been wanting to tell him that I am in love with him for awhile now (I say that I care for him a great deal, like him so much, miss him, or am crazy about him...but not those three, special words). I wanted it to be an in-person thing, but with our summer visit time being up in the air (we met in-person in March), I may need to tell him from a distance. My other hesitation is that I want him to tell me first. I know that sounds a little nuts, but before we were official, he was always the one who was hot and cold and he also has a bit of a stubborn streak, in the sense of not wanting to feel forced into something. While he has said, on numerous occasions, that he is committed to our relationship and serious about it, I can't help but feel like saying it first might make things more than weird and I might be very disappointed. On the other hand, I might be holding my breath forever, waiting for him to initiate it.

(A related aside is that we call each other "partner" and usually introduce each other as such. However, I have rarely called him my "lover," which is often tied to situations of...er...physical attraction. Yesterday, I called him that and he had the greatest smile on his face and said that he liked that. When we said goodnight later, he said "Goodnight, lover" to me. So, maybe that might bode well to the "tell him you love him camp.")

-Should I tell him I love him?

[Tinyteef]

With the first question, although my SO wouldn't be interested in the site, If he for some reason was I probably would just explain to him that's it is something you want to have just to yourself. I don't blame you though, I wouldn't personally feel comfortable with my SO on this site. I suppose I may rant about him a bit from time to time though, so I am biased.


About the 'I love you' dilemma, I told my SO through a text while we were not long distance for the first time. Kind of wish I could change that to a more romantic or meaningful situation but it wasn't and he was happy I said it first. He was the same way your SO seems to be. Committed but sometimes it seems nervous about putting it into words and actually speaking them. If he is as into the relationship as you say he is than I don't think it should change things too much. Don't pressure him to say it back though...just let him know how you feel.

[Riyko]

Do you think I should give him the information to check this specific site out?
If you want him to have the information then give it to him, but if you don't want him to check the website out you can always copy and paste certain information you want to share with him and put it in wordpad/notepad/microsoft word. That way he won't find the website.

Lucky for me my boyfriend isn't into these kinds of websites, he thinks i'm weird for looking at them.

How do you feel about your SO using the forum?
If he wanted to use the forums here it's fine, I would love if he would but he says he leaves that stuff to me as it's more of an interest to me.

Should I tell him I love him?
If you don't want to wait until you meet him in person then tell him otherwise if you feel like it would have more meaning in person wait until then.

I told my guy in person (but we we're close distance then) and I only tell him either in person or on the phone. To me it was a lot more meaningful to tell him face to face.

[totalspiffage]

I dunno. It's a good support group, but I know I wouldn't want my SO reading the stuff I've said, just cause I need to get advice from people outside the relationship.

But, I think you should say that you love him. I mean, it seems like he's embraced the "lover" thing anyway. If you're nervous, just explain that you don't want to force him into anything, but you want to say it or whatever else. It seems like you should just tell him. Sometimes I wish I was the person to say it first with my SO. But he beat me to it. haha. I was staring at the screen for a good five minutes in shock and happiness. I don't think he'll react badly.

[Lunar Snow]

Yay, cool replies, thanks!

1./2. Yes, upon reflection and looking at your responses, I don't think I will share this with him. If he presses me, I will say that I would like to keep it as a place where I can work out my thoughts and such. Maybe I will also try sending him bits and piece of useful information. ...and, I guess I can't prevent him from stumbling onto the site himself. After thinking about it more, though, I think that he just thought it was a good idea that I had a place to vent and such, since he hasn't asked me about it again.

3. I think I will wait for now, given that we have been having quite a few tiffs lately and I don't want it to seem like a band-aid. (Particularly, in one, I finally just erupted like a volcano about a jealousy issue I have been seething about, tip-toeing around, insinuating about (but not actually vocalizing fully) ever since we were official--I was not nice, but I was hurt. Anyway, when trying to prove his fondness for me, he said that he expressed how much he "likes" me...so, I felt pretty deflated. I guess, if he had said anything bigger, I probably wouldn't have believed him, being angry and all). That said, I will keep considering saying it and how to say it, because I don't want it to come to the point that I never get to tell him...and you are right that it is about how I am feeling and my timing, not so much about whether or not he will say it back right away. Ultimately, I would like it to be in-person, but I think that it still may come to telling him from afar. I think that Skype or something AV would be best.

[Zephii]

1) Obi doesn't visit these forums, but if he did I might be hesitant in the way you are for a while... but then I'd probably go for it anyway. I truly believe complete honesty is the path to a successful relationship and although I'd be embarrased about some of the questions I've asked (and he'd very likely be a bit ticked off with me for a while) I wouldn't shy away from that, because I have no secrets from him.
I think that it would be very easy for your SO to google this site anyway, it's not hard to find and the best LDR resource there is, so it's probably better to just give him the url. If you make him find it, that just screams "i have something to hide". Share your hesitation with him though, he'll likely understand and leave the forums as a place for you to work through things on your own.

2) Life is too freaking short. What if he's in a horrible accident tomorrow and you never get to tell him because you were waiting for the perfect moment? If he isn't ready to say it back, that's fine, but there's nothing wrong with saying how you feel. Go for it!
I remember Obi had wanted to wait to tell me in person, and it didn't work out like that, but it really didn't end up mattering because suddenly we both knew we were on the same page, and all the heartache wasn't for nothing.