Advice needed for the SO of a video gamer

[Yaaamiii]

My SO has a semi addictive personality. It really depends on what it is, but if its a video game, for example, he'll get addicted to it. Now, I don't have a problem with him playing video games as a way to spend time with himself, but not too long ago he got back into an MMORPG that became a serious problem for our relationship in the past. When he recently got back into the game, I told myself to not become upset. (Two summers ago, he literally played this game day and night. It was...a problem...to say the least.) His playing hasn't really been a problem until recently, however. When we talk on gmail video, I want his undivided attention. I hate talking to him while he's doing something that causes his mind to be divided. He knows this, and when I've been guilty of it in the past, he hates it as well. Recently I've caught him playing while talking to me at the same time. Yes, it has upset me. He plays late into the night (the only time of the day I'm actually available) and plays a lot. Its really starting to bother me because his playing is starting to cause problems to arise again. Its been cutting into the time we can talk, and I almost feel like I'm competing against this game.

So I need some advice. I've already mentioned how much it bothers me, but every so often he continues (its just his addiction to it, I don't think he's intentionally trying to hurt me.) Should I just let him play? I feel like I'm being a bad girlfriend by asking him to at least be considerate enough to not play when we're talking. I dunno. I dunno how I should be handling this...

I've tried playing games with him, but I'm not as into it as he is. And I'm especially not into RPG's. They really bore me for some reason jaja .

[katylynnlee]

My boyfriend is absolutely obsessed with COD and he is going to a major league gaming competition in May (it's not actually MLG, but something similar, I don't speak gamer). I feel your pain. To be honest, I don't really know what to tell you because from experience, it's something they'll just do. I would definitely mention wanting time for "you" as a couple though. I talked to my SO about it, and we went through a huge rough patch earlier this year and a lot of it was over video games and how I felt like I had to compete for his attention.

Sometimes guys can get so absorbed in that type of thing, and don't realize how it's affecting their love ones. His mom was even so frustrated, and his dad wanted to throw his Xbox out or smash it to pieces (they even took it away from him for a bit). Anyway, we had a long talk about it and he still plays, but somehow he makes time for everything now. I'm actually completely amazed. He started working again, talks to me after work, then plays for a bit before bed.

I think that the BEST advice I can give from experience is to tell him to make time. My SO will tell me, "I can talk for about an hour, but I made plans to play with so-and-so later, so I have to be online, but I can call you afterwards, okay?", because he knows that I felt horrible about his gaming. I actually really, really appreciate it. Honestly, just tell him he has to give a little in this relationship and he can't just do what he wants all the time, especially when you only have a limited time frame in which you can communicate daily (late at night).

[Phantomrose]

My SO loves playing computer games. Sometimes, we will play they together if they are MMOs, but now I find my interest waning a bit with some of them. It is starting to affect me a bit when he goes off to play his games, because it does feel like he is more focused on the game than talking to me (though some games do take a lot of focus in order to win.) It sometimes hurts, when it feels like he is not paying attention to me when playing a game, but I try not to get upset about it, and instead, try to find something else to do while he goes off and plays. When we do play games together however, we do seem to communicate more, and it makes me feel better spending time with him in that way. If they are computer games, like online multiplexer games, why don't you join him a bit? I am sure he will appreciate that.

[ChibiFelicia]

i dont really have advice since im one of those video gamers. Not just guys who get addicted : ) However, we both make time for each other, do what we need to do then play games.

[Xanahtas]

I know your pain!
My SO is a gamer (but then again so am i). But when he gets a new game he goes into over drive sometimes and plays a lot. Which is fine, i let him play a couple of days straight and we dont talk much but we're skyping and we still chat. I let him get it out of his system lol. But sometime if we havent spoken much for a couple of days for whatever reason it does bug me. I just tell him that i wanna talk for a while and then we can play together later. Luckily he does get off and we do play together later. It does bug me tho when he turns the PS3 on when i leave the room for two mins to get something and i come back and he is still on there an hour later with me sitting there bored lol.

My advice would be to try and say that you want to talk to him for an hour or so about things for the future/past happy things/anything. Maybe try telling him again that you feel ignored/pushed out or upset by it.
Maybe even both of you set days aside for just you two. No distractions, just talk time. Make it a rule that for say the whole day, no gaming while you are online? Thats all i can think of at the moment. But i hope you two sort it out!

[LoveJ]

When you say addicted, how much does he play? 16 hours a day for 3 straight months?

I dated someone for a little while once whose entire life was video games. He never once went to my house because he had to be on his live game all the time. And I mean all the time. He'd wake up, start playing, and not stop until midnight or later. Needless to say, it wasn't much of a relationship.
The thing with games is that they give people a false sense of reality. It makes people "transport" out of real life and into something completely fictional. I'm not saying they wake up and think they're actually level 56 warriors or anything, but they make that virtual life their reality, while the issues and circumstances of real life take a back seat.

If this is a consistent thing with him, and you find yourself feeling like he genuinely, more often than not, cares about the game and his gamer friends more than you, there's a serious problem. And if he doesn't back seat those even after you've talked to him about it, then the problem is a lot more serious. If, however, his gaming "obsession" is playing for an hour every night, that's not a big deal (unless, of course, all he does when he's not playing is talking about it, thinking about it or planning for it).

Ask him why he needs to play so much. That might really get to the root of why he does. I'm addicted to Skyrim (and by addicted I mean I really dig playing it, but certainly not every day) and I play it because it's a nice break. When school is stressful, it's great to get on there and not think about school for a little while. When my SO and I have time apart when he's got things to do, and I haven't got much going on, I play because it's a great way to pass time until we can talk again.

If he plays just because he needs to play like a smoker needs a cigarette (ie. nothing beneficial comes out of it), then it'd be good to take a step back and think about that affects you, now and in the future.

[meganpillow]

My SO loves video games too. I do one of two things...
1. Play with him
2. Take my top off. I don't know one guy that would rather stare at a computer/TV screen when there are boobs to be looked at instead.

[FierceFoxie]

My ex-husband was and is a hardcore gamer. He also became addicted to a video game which became the root for every argument we had the last 6 months of the relationship until he ultimately cheated on me with a woman from the game and wanted to leave the marriage for her. Ouch!

I told myself never again would I date another gamer. My SO now is not really into games much (thank you Lord!) but when I stayed with him for Spring Break, he was playing COD with his sons every night when he got home form work. I was sooo darn sick of that game. The boys would already be playing it for like 1-2 hours before he got home from work and then once he got home it was on for another 2 hours where he was playing for a good hour. I gave him "the look" but he didn't care, he just went on playing. I know that guys get engulfed in games especially when there is a certain level they are stick on or whatever, they will sit there until no end trying to beat it.

You've told him that it bothers you and yet he is continuing to do so. Telling him again will only improve things for like another 1-2 conversations and then he will slip right back to the same behavior. You are going to have to get a bit more aggressive and be honest that this is becoming a real problem. Decide on a reasonable time to talk without any distractions. Maybe if you set a time limit like a 45 minutes conversation or something where he doesn't have the TV on or a video game on etc. You need to really stress how this is hurting you and that you feel like he is not making a real effort to respect your wishes of no distractions.

[LoveL]

It's really all about time management.

Guys like games so much because it simulates the macho, competition winner/warrior lifestyle that many of us long for but can;t really live out in today's society. It's a nice outlet for that. But, like my lovely LoveJ said, it can become a substitute reality for a lot of people and that's not really a healthy way to use them.

What people who love games have to realize is that unlike people, the game can be there to give you pleasure (or whatever it is you get from it) at any given hour. Humans have schedules. Games do not.

IF your SO wants to play a game really badly, then let him play. But set up times together so that those two schedules don't conflict.
There can be game time and there can be together time. But they shouldn't overlap.

I'm of the clan that thinks you should not have to make schedules because you should want to be with your SO enough that games, or whatever else distraction you have, isn't going to conflict with being with them. But I know not everyone is like that.

Bring it up. If refuses to listen and/or work with you, the problem isn't the game, the problem is the person.

[Xanahtas]

2. Take my top off. I don't know one guy that would rather stare at a computer/TV screen when there are boobs to be looked at instead.

Haha, this made me laugh, because i do the same thing sometimes! It has never failed!

[kittyo9]

I am guilty of doing this to my boyfriend (it's not just a man thing!), although he is guilty of doing the same to me, as we are both big into gaming-- not so much now, though (we've become more studious), as in the past. When one of us feels like we're being shafted for a game, we mention it, and the other stops immediately or as soon as possible (multiplayer games are difficult to end on demand). For example, sometimes I notice my boyfriend seems a little distracted when we're on skype, which is time that I devote strictly to him and thus expect his time devoted to me. It's usually because he's playing some silly browser game. In the past I have caught him doing it and gotten quite upset about it, and I have explained that I expect his full attention on me, and he has apologized and stopped playing. Now if I find him doing something while we're talking, I will just ask him to close it, and he says okay and does it. There is no argument about it.

As a more relevant example, a few months back I began playing Assassin's Creed. I would usually play it when my boyfriend wasn't home, but sometimes he would come home while I was playing it and he would be waiting for me for anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour. Other times he would be busy, and instead of talking every couple of minutes, I would open up the game and try to tab out to talk to him every now and then, but I would get so engrossed in it that I would forget to for half an hour at a time. Eventually he got fed up with it and told me he felt neglected, and so I made a big effort not to play when he was home, period, regardless of what he's doing, because I knew I would get too involved in the game to be present when he wanted to talk to me. It's worked out much better for both us and our grades.

It's not fair to you if your partner is putting their games before you, and if telling him straightforwardly, "I want your undivided attention right now," does not get you the attention you deserve, then you are perfectly justified in making a big stink about it. You are not nagging or being a bitch-- this is a repeated problem that is affecting your relationship, which should come above gaming in his priorities. Get mad. Let him know that you will not tolerate his games cutting into your time. There have to be consequences, otherwise he is liable to just try to sneak into playing the game. You will have to let him have SOME time to play (like, say, if you have homework and he doesn't, you can tell him he can go play for an hour or two while you do your assignment, but you would like him to come back at, say, 2:30, so that you can spend some time with him), but there is no reason this has to be while he should be paying attention to you.

[katylynnlee]

My SO loves video games too. I do one of two things...
1. Play with him
2. Take my top off. I don't know one guy that would rather stare at a computer/TV screen when there are boobs to be looked at instead.

Hahah, I actually tried this one night. Well, something similar. I always dance in front of the game or do things to get his attention if he's been playing for over a few hours. Sometimes he just laughs, and other times he gets a little annoyed. But hey, I guess sometimes boobs don't always work. Food does though. If I cook something, he will stop playing and come sit down to eat. :P My secret weapon.

[CandiCandi]

My SO does this as well, as he's gotten really addicted to a game called Realm of the Mad God here lately, but I eventually just joined in with him and I actually had fun doing it. He's basically just found a game that he can play and talk to me at the same time with because he actually does keep track of the conversation while he is playing. He won't get into a game that requires too much attention away from the conversation. So, that's where we have compromised and I am 100% fine with it. =)

[dukes2011]

My SO loves video games too. I do one of two things...
1. Play with him
2. Take my top off. I don't know one guy that would rather stare at a computer/TV screen when there are boobs to be looked at instead.

Hahaha I found this hilarious too! Never tried that one, but might have to consider it. Bad thing, his family never knocks so knowing my luck someone would come in his room. I get frustrated with my SO since he will also not pay attention to me if he's playing a game. He'll do it on Skype with online games and he thinks I don't notice. Too bad he's horrible at multi-tasking! I try to patient and tell him that I'm giving him my undivided attention and I only ask for the same in return. I am understanding if he already made plans to play someone online or on Xbox live even though it's tough. If you think it may be a problem, then talk to him about it. I have had to talk to my SO about it and it wasn't easy, but it had to be done. Video games were affecting his daily life and other areas of his life were suffering. He didn't even realize until I confronted him about it. Give your SO the benefit of the doubt too and rationally talk instead of turning it into an attack where he'll feel like he has to defend himself.

To this day, gaming can still be an issue but we have learned to compromise. One thing I've learned is that guys never seem to think you're too old to play video games. I get annoyed since he's 23 and a teacher and he STILL plays. It's something we have our ups and downs with to this day, but we have learned to talk it out and I am always honest with him when I think it's getting to be too much. Just be honest and tell him it's hurting you.

[Yaaamiii]

Thanks guys for all the advice I talked to my SO, he's gotten so much better . Sorry I haven't been able to reply in a while, I've been so busy with final projects/exams.