Why do we put so much on a 'healthy' relationship?

[WakeUpSusie]

Okay, let's call a spade a spade: you're looking for people to validate your relationship. You wouldn't've posted this if you weren't. What it comes down to is this: a truly healthy relationship is one where both people ARE respected and their needs are met. You've posted about how you and your SO have screaming matches, "toxic vicious lows", and you've frankly admitted that you get a high from fighting and making up. That doesn't sound like anyone is being respected, and this kind of roller coaster relationship isn't sustainable in the long run--one of you will eventually burn out. You're rationalizing, and it's tiresome.

I have to agree with this. The last thread you posted worried me, to be honest. To have those kind of issues with fighting and communication, on top of having seemingly no support from family or friends (at least on his side, I don't know about your family ect.), it just appears that the people who know you guys best see major red flags.

That being said, this is YOUR relationship and you two are fully entitled to do what you want regardless of what anyone else thinks. It is your life, and if both of you want to stay in this relationship long term that is your decision to make. Frankly, the people who don't support you aren't involved in the relationship, so it really shouldn't concern them whether it ends well or goes up in flames.

Good luck!

[books]

I have to agree with this. The last thread you posted worried me, to be honest. To have those kind of issues with fighting and communication, on top of having seemingly no support from family or friends (at least on his side, I don't know about your family ect.), it just appears that the people who know you guys best see major red flags.

Agreed. The bolded is the part that really stands out to me. My SO and I feel bonded in many ways, yet when we've had our arguments I can still turn to my friends for support and an opinion on the matter. It keeps everything in perspective for me. Being so stuck in this "only you and me understand each other, it's us against the whole world" mentality sounds so Sid and Nancy.

Also I wouldn't turn to cosmo for guidance on relationships. Frankly, I was surprised to hear they're writing about something other than bj techniques.

[kiara_silver]

The relationship I am talking about is one where there is a distinct removed him, you and we. Where the female is supposed to have her own group of friends, hobbies, activities separate from her boyfriend/fiancee/husband and be 100% self sufficient and NEVER EVER need her SO. Same for her SO. Spending too much time together in this 'healthy' relationship is seen as bad and UNhealthy. Preferring staying in with your SO instead of going out with your friends on any regular basis is 'unhealthy'.

I think saying 100% self sufficient is a bit extreme. But I get this point of view. I got a few comments from family about being to attached to my SO. And I have a realitive whose old fashion and tells me to never lean on no man. But in the end it doesn't matter about what anyone else thinks. If your Happy, and he's happy thats what matters in the end. Being happy. I don't think you can love to much f both the people involved are giving the same love. Yes you have friends, yes you can go by yourself, and in a LDR you do that a lot.When your in a LDR, and there out, you go out too and arn't sitting around waiting for them, you go to events, and birthdays and such and still keep things moving when your in a LDR. And theres no reason why you cant be together in person and spend time with the one you love and enjoy being with when your together, I think needing to stop having approval, and stop worrying about what everyone else think is key. What i think unhealthy is, is when your in a relationship and are miserable with and without them, where you find yourself changing into someone you don't like, or when you are being taken for granted or neglected waiting and waiting and getting nothing. But being in love, and enjoying it, i dont see as unhealthy.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

The difference between a healthy lifestyle and healthy diet is all those are backed up by scientific proof that no matter who you are, they are better for you than junk. Where is the scientific proof that every person needs to have a specific relationship in order to be healthy?

Sometimes you just need to use your common sense. I don't need a scientific investigation to figure out that if my SO starts hitting me, it's an unhealthy relationship. I know that's an extreme example, but it's also an example of what you wouldn't want in a healthy relationship, and I think that's a pretty universal one. It's also physical, rather than mental/emtional, but aren't mental and emotional HEALTH also worth something in a relationship?

Our lives barely changed since we met each other on the surface, we spend about the same amount of time doing things, its just now we are happier and have the other. People just love to judge it

I have to agree with previous posters - you do post about how much conflict there is in your relationship. These highs and lows, even if they work for you, won't go unnoticed by others - particularly as your SO seems to talk to his family about it. From the outside, your relationship probably seems rocky and unstable, regardless of how you see it. Of course your SOs friends and family (and yours too) are going to judge if half the time you're both at "toxic vicious lows". It would be much much weirder if they didn't 'judge' it. It would suggest they didn't give a crap, when as your friends and family... of course they will.

[Jezah]

Okay, let's call a spade a spade: you're looking for people to validate your relationship. You wouldn't've posted this if you weren't. What it comes down to is this: a truly healthy relationship is one where both people feel respected and their needs are met. You've posted about how you and your SO have screaming matches, "toxic vicious lows", and you've frankly admitted that you get a high from fighting and making up. That doesn't sound like anyone is being respected, and this kind of roller coaster relationship isn't sustainable in the long run--one of you will eventually burn out. You're rationalizing, and it's tiresome.

Ouch. Uncalled for. 'nuff said

As for everyone else's opinions, I value your advice. I don't unfortunately like that my previous post about fighting somehow has effected even everyone HERE'S views on me and HBB. We are usually a great couple, but yet when we fight we FIGHT. Perhaps that is odd or unhealthy for most people, and maybe we will someday burn out from it...but for a year now just abouts it has been our norm. I do sometimes wish he wasn't so stubborn, and that we could just get through the issue without me getting so frustrated I explode, but that is an issue we are working on. However, how do you convince a stubborn person they are being too stubborn? :P

I would agree that on his end, the fights may be part of the 'unhealthy' issue but only to his friends. His parent's don't know we fight, they just have a massive issue with his spending hours on the computer. His dad thinks he should be out socializing every night because thats what he did. His mom, well, she came into the situation knowing HBB's dad thought we were spending too much time together and so when HBB was on the computer for more than a few hours she overreacted. His mom has started to realize though that not all the time he spends on the comp was with me, about half of it was spend playing his own games while I was asleep/at work.

I should point out. My parents/friends have no issue with me and HBB, beyond that my parents think he drinks too much. Then again, I rarely tell them about fights, and even when I do they know me. They know my temper and how inflexible I can be sometimes and so they always kinda take my words with a grain of salt...knowing in a few days me and HBB will be back together.

Seriously though, if coming on her for advice/worries/random thoughts I have about my life and relationship with HBB is annoying I will just stop posting. I try and help others out too, I am not only a thread started but a poster too. I take and give, but whatever. A few comments on here have made me want to leave LFAD, they were very negative and not in a helpful way either

[Moon]

Ouch. Uncalled for. 'nuff said

As for everyone else's opinions, I value your advice. I don't unfortunately like that my previous post about fighting somehow has effected even everyone HERE'S views on me and HBB. We are usually a great couple, but yet when we fight we FIGHT. Perhaps that is odd or unhealthy for most people, and maybe we will someday burn out from it...but for a year now just abouts it has been our norm. I do sometimes wish he wasn't so stubborn, and that we could just get through the issue without me getting so frustrated I explode, but that is an issue we are working on. However, how do you convince a stubborn person they are being too stubborn? :P

I would agree that on his end, the fights may be part of the 'unhealthy' issue but only to his friends. His parent's don't know we fight, they just have a massive issue with his spending hours on the computer. His dad thinks he should be out socializing every night because thats what he did. His mom, well, she came into the situation knowing HBB's dad thought we were spending too much time together and so when HBB was on the computer for more than a few hours she overreacted. His mom has started to realize though that not all the time he spends on the comp was with me, about half of it was spend playing his own games while I was asleep/at work.

I should point out. My parents/friends have no issue with me and HBB, beyond that my parents think he drinks too much. Then again, I rarely tell them about fights, and even when I do they know me. They know my temper and how inflexible I can be sometimes and so they always kinda take my words with a grain of salt...knowing in a few days me and HBB will be back together.

Seriously though, if coming on her for advice/worries/random thoughts I have about my life and relationship with HBB is annoying I will just stop posting. I try and help others out too, I am not only a thread started but a poster too. I take and give, but whatever. A few comments on here have made me want to leave LFAD, they were very negative and not in a helpful way either

You aren't always going to get the answers you want on a public forum, and LFAD is much nicer than most. If you ask for opinions and advice, you need to be prepared for the answers you receive, whether you like them or not. It won't always be rainbows and unicorns. I wanted to comment on this though:

However, how do you convince a stubborn person they are being too stubborn? :P

A mature stubborn person knows they're stubborn. Like me I'm as stubborn as it gets, have been since birth. I realize it and understand it, and pay attention to when my guy tells me I'm being that way. It sounds like HBB hasn't reached the maturity level yet to be able to step back and analyze his behavior rationally. Hopefully he will, not everybody does. There's nothing wrong with being stubborn, it has definite advantages, but you have to temper it with logic and lose the fear of being wrong. We're all wrong on occasion. Maybe you can help him with this, if he's willing, it would be a great help to him in life if he can overcome it a little.

Sorry for not being on topic, but honestly, I'm not touching a healthy vs. unhealthy relationship discussion with a 10 foot pole. Only advice I can give you on it though is to put down Cosmo, it will not help your relationship.