The distance is killing me - Am I being crazy?!

[KirstyPurple]

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We met in school, we both grew up living near each other, even through college and uni. We used to talk about getting a place together and getting engaged, and one thing is for sure.. we never thought we'd even have to deal with being in a long distance relationship!

My boyfriend got an offer from a job in Germany this year. It was completely out of the blue and he took it and we said we'd work something out as a LDR for a year or so before I move out there.

Now here's the problem. The distance is driving me crazy!. I feel as if I've become jealous, insecure and bitter inside. Our only way to spend time together in between visits every 2/3 months is through skype or e-mail. I feel scared that his new life over there will make him forget about us. He doesn't talk about the things he used to before we went away, he always used to talk to me about wanting to marry me one day, and now he doesn't even mention that any more.

I just cried down the line over skype tonight, asking him if he still feels the same about me. He says he does but inside it's as if I'm imagining that he has changed and that this new life will end us.

These are my fears:

- He will get fed up of not having a girlfriend to hang out with each day (and intimate stuff)
- He will meet someone else
- He will enjoy this new life and job so much that he forgets about me
- He will change how he feels because of the distance / skype won't be enough anymore.

Am I being crazy? He told me that everything is ok for him, and that nothing has changed. But here I am driving myself crazy over it, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Could it be because I have too much time on my hands and he is busy? I lost my job 2 months ago, and ever since I've just been looking for work so I have A LOT of time to myself these days, where as he is working and meeting people so he doesn't have a lot of time to worry. Could it be that? I just don't know what to do.

[kirbycat]

The fact that he's so busy and you're not could have a lot to do with it. He's also got a whole new country, new social environment, new job to deal with, while you're still in the same old situation - but without him in it. As far as your relationship goes, he's dealing with the same frustrations as you, and learning to adjust in his own way. Naturally there will be some change to your communication.

You guys have been together for six years - a few months apart isn't going to make him forget you! That said, I think all the fears you listed are normal and legitimate. Have you discussed your fears with him? It could be a big help. Who knows, he might be having a lot of the same worries about you!

When you say he never talks about marriage anymore - is he actively avoiding the topic when you bring it up, or is he just never mentioning it himself? I think it's possible that being so far apart has just made the idea of marriage a painful thing to think about; even if you know the distance is temporary, it can be harder to see how you'll be able to get your lives back in the same place again. But if he's always changing the subject or getting mad when you talk about it, that could be a different problem.

[HisPunkRockGirl]

You do not know how happy I am to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this! I have the same exact fears as well.. And my man used to be so romantic. I really just hope it is the fact that he is so busy. I feel like I'm going crazy cause of this distance!!!

[stubby59]

I've been in an LDR for more than 3 years now, I see him once a year, and if I do see him more than 4 days a year, its a bonus for me!

Yes, the first year of LDR was really hard, especially for me because I tend to let my imagination wander too much at times about exactly the same things you've mentioned above....but I guess you just learn to trust each other, and you start looking forward to the next time you'll see each other, even if it was 326 days away! I don't think you're crazy at all for feeling jealous and insecure inside, but if you really want this to work, LDR is all about trust and hope. I can promise you the next time you guys meet will be worth the wait. All the best in your job-hunting, hang in there! (:

[Hana]

First of all how you're feeling right now all the insecurity and jealousy is not crazy at all and you're certainly not alone in feeling like this. As I'm sure everyone on LFAD knows long distance relationship is HARD and especially when you have extra time on your hands and nothing to do you end up thinking about your partner and the distance way too much, and thats when you start to lose sight of things and start taking a little thing and making it huge! I've done that loads of times but I'm just now starting to learn my lesson.

You just have to ask yourself do you have 100% trust in the relationship? If so then kick your insecurities to the kerb cos they sure aren't doing anything good for you or your relationship. The best tip I can give you is to fill your time up with things to do and keep busy so that you're not constantly thinking about the long distance and making space for all the fears to build up. Also keep positive, 1 year can go by so quickly and you're going to be seeing him every 2/3 months which is something to look forward to as well.

Good luck with the job hunt

[floridaellen]

When you say he never talks about marriage anymore - is he actively avoiding the topic when you bring it up, or is he just never mentioning it himself? I think it's possible that being so far apart has just made the idea of marriage a painful thing to think about; even if you know the distance is temporary, it can be harder to see how you'll be able to get your lives back in the same place again. But if he's always changing the subject or getting mad when you talk about it, that could be a different problem.

I'm also wondering this. I know it's more difficult for my SO to talk about our future when we're apart because it's too painful for him. But when we're together we talk about it all the time.

Everyone had great answers!

[Dauntedpoet]

You're not crazy, you're normal. Every one of us has been through what you're going through. The way you have always communicated with your SO has changed COMPLETELY, and on top of that you've got way to much free time on your hands. You have to find the trust you've always had, and find ways to connect to each other over the distance.

I found that the list of things for LDR couples to do together https://members.lovingfromadistance....-Couples-To-Do is an amazing way to have fun with your SO. Laughing together is a wonderful way to bond, and communicate without words.

Hang in there. You will find the way to communicate LD that works for you both, and the trust will come rushing back.

Hugs

[Phantomrose]

I sometimes get the same feelings as you from time to time. Ir is completely normal with what you are going through. I agree that you should fill your time up with something else to go to get your mind off of the distance. Find a new hobby, or go hang out with friends. I also agree with having an optimistic attitude. Try not to focus on the negative, and instead, steer your energy toward the positive things in life! I hope this helps!

[Zapookie]

No, you're not being crazy, these kinds of thoughts are what many people thrown into that kind of situation will be thinking/feeling. And its also because you have a lot of time to yourself that you can use up to over-analyse things. So I would try to keep yourself occupied. Go out with friends, pick up a new hobby or maybe join a group of some sort that can keep your mind active/occupied, even if only for a little while.

Also one thing you can do is try to shift your focus from the negatives, to the positive. Sure, when you're apart, skype is one of the ways your keep in contact with each other, as it is for many of us. But you get to see him every 2-3 months! I wish I could see my SO as often. And you have to think about how it's not going to be like this forever. The situation is only temporary, and you will get to be with him again soon.

Going long distance is really a huge test on a relationship. It will draw out insecurities, it will make you think about the trust you share, it will highlight areas of communication that are lacking. But in the end, you both come out stronger, and so does your bond/love for each other.