Hey,
I haven't been or posted on here for ages, because somehow most the things that were going on felt almost too personal to ask anyone else about, and also too subjective. But now, something's come up and I feel so, so endlessly alone.
I am here in Australia, am well into first semester at uni and my SO and I have been keeping our relationship up for almost a year now. I got to spend 5 weeks with him in Egypt after New Year, and as much as it was a disaster in many ways, it proved to us that we really want to be together.
We've already overcome some of the most challenging hurdles, such as dealing with my family's disapproval, doubts, hopelessness, etc.. and we arrived at the point where we decided to step over all these things and continue forwards. And since then I haven't doubted us. When my friends ask, what is the ONE thing that makes you love him most, I'd say it's that he never, ever gives up on me. No one except my parents have that same faith in me and stick with me through everything. There's that distinction now, that for me means true love.. the fact that even if we fight, or disagree, or somehow get hurt, in the end we never doubt our relationship because of it. There's like a baseline of care and trust and love. That is the one and only reason that we keep up this relationship.
And now it's come to the point where that base line is the only thing we're holding on to.. because I've been feeling incredibly homesick, alone, depressed because of a lot of things going on here... and he's been feeling stressed, unhappy and generally uncomfortable on his end too with his life. And it's lead to somewhat of a communication breakdown. We don't get to talk a lot, we're both busy, and we barely get to say hello on the phone twice a week. And on one of the rare occasions that we do get to skype, we realised that we most probably will not see each other for 2 years.
When I said good bye last time, I was not saying good bye for two years.. I was saying see you later..see you online, latest next Christmas I'll be back. Well, now, I have been without a job since I came back - so no regular income - no saving - behind on my 50 dollar board.. and no chance of being able to save up enough for going to Cairo at Christmas. Meantime, he's been flat out working and studying for exams and the army will decide in August whether or not they want him to serve for another year. If they do, he'll be gone by October, and I wouldn't see him even if I went. If he doesn't go, there's no way he'd be able to organise everything and get a visa in time to see me in Switzerland while I'm there anyways to see my family after he gets the news. So, it comes down to two factors: whether the army wants him, and whether I can pay for another trip there. And both of these factors are somehow out of our reach.
I never thought we'd have to wait 2 years.. or even longer perhaps. I never even thought of the possibility. And now, I feel like everything is crumbling, because I don't know how to even get my head around it all. I know some of you guys here do it, and I really wonder how! If we were able to spend the next two years together, ideally we would be looking to get married soon after I finish uni.
But everything looks ridiculously difficult now..Especially because we're only in the first year of our relationship, so really we've only spent a couple of weeks together physically. We wont be getting any more time together to learn how we are in person. And when we see each other in two years, he will be 27, and for him, the pressure will be on to get married. But how is that possible if you have barely spent any time together? And for me, I will just be getting into my studies, into my career.. and establishing my own life. When we see each other next, it would mean he would come to live with me here in Australia, because we can't afford flying back and forth. But so much will have changed! We'll have been separated for 2 years, being really busy with jobs, studies etc., he would be having a total culture shock and being away from his family and country for the first time, and probably finding it hard to get a job here, so there may be periods of unemployment and everyone knows how terrible that feels... all these things! It's so discouraging! And that's ignoring all the "I told you so" from family and friends.
And still, we don't see giving up as an option. How do we make it WORK? I mean, it's like when you're trying to climb a mountain I guess. You have to section it into small goals, one step after another. But it's no motivation when the summit just looks like a whole heap of stress, trouble, and disillusionment. Ah yeah, that's another point. How do I stop myself from building up all these false expectations? In two years I believe I could amount quite the heap of romanticised fantasies about what life will be like when we're together. How do people stay grounded in what IS, especially when we get so little time to actually talk and straighten out illusions?
Someone help.. I really don't know what to think of all this. There must be a way (even if its hard) to figure this all out.
Sorry for the lengthy complaining... but I'm sure we've all been there.
I haven't been or posted on here for ages, because somehow most the things that were going on felt almost too personal to ask anyone else about, and also too subjective. But now, something's come up and I feel so, so endlessly alone.
I am here in Australia, am well into first semester at uni and my SO and I have been keeping our relationship up for almost a year now. I got to spend 5 weeks with him in Egypt after New Year, and as much as it was a disaster in many ways, it proved to us that we really want to be together.
We've already overcome some of the most challenging hurdles, such as dealing with my family's disapproval, doubts, hopelessness, etc.. and we arrived at the point where we decided to step over all these things and continue forwards. And since then I haven't doubted us. When my friends ask, what is the ONE thing that makes you love him most, I'd say it's that he never, ever gives up on me. No one except my parents have that same faith in me and stick with me through everything. There's that distinction now, that for me means true love.. the fact that even if we fight, or disagree, or somehow get hurt, in the end we never doubt our relationship because of it. There's like a baseline of care and trust and love. That is the one and only reason that we keep up this relationship.
And now it's come to the point where that base line is the only thing we're holding on to.. because I've been feeling incredibly homesick, alone, depressed because of a lot of things going on here... and he's been feeling stressed, unhappy and generally uncomfortable on his end too with his life. And it's lead to somewhat of a communication breakdown. We don't get to talk a lot, we're both busy, and we barely get to say hello on the phone twice a week. And on one of the rare occasions that we do get to skype, we realised that we most probably will not see each other for 2 years.
When I said good bye last time, I was not saying good bye for two years.. I was saying see you later..see you online, latest next Christmas I'll be back. Well, now, I have been without a job since I came back - so no regular income - no saving - behind on my 50 dollar board.. and no chance of being able to save up enough for going to Cairo at Christmas. Meantime, he's been flat out working and studying for exams and the army will decide in August whether or not they want him to serve for another year. If they do, he'll be gone by October, and I wouldn't see him even if I went. If he doesn't go, there's no way he'd be able to organise everything and get a visa in time to see me in Switzerland while I'm there anyways to see my family after he gets the news. So, it comes down to two factors: whether the army wants him, and whether I can pay for another trip there. And both of these factors are somehow out of our reach.
I never thought we'd have to wait 2 years.. or even longer perhaps. I never even thought of the possibility. And now, I feel like everything is crumbling, because I don't know how to even get my head around it all. I know some of you guys here do it, and I really wonder how! If we were able to spend the next two years together, ideally we would be looking to get married soon after I finish uni.
But everything looks ridiculously difficult now..Especially because we're only in the first year of our relationship, so really we've only spent a couple of weeks together physically. We wont be getting any more time together to learn how we are in person. And when we see each other in two years, he will be 27, and for him, the pressure will be on to get married. But how is that possible if you have barely spent any time together? And for me, I will just be getting into my studies, into my career.. and establishing my own life. When we see each other next, it would mean he would come to live with me here in Australia, because we can't afford flying back and forth. But so much will have changed! We'll have been separated for 2 years, being really busy with jobs, studies etc., he would be having a total culture shock and being away from his family and country for the first time, and probably finding it hard to get a job here, so there may be periods of unemployment and everyone knows how terrible that feels... all these things! It's so discouraging! And that's ignoring all the "I told you so" from family and friends.
And still, we don't see giving up as an option. How do we make it WORK? I mean, it's like when you're trying to climb a mountain I guess. You have to section it into small goals, one step after another. But it's no motivation when the summit just looks like a whole heap of stress, trouble, and disillusionment. Ah yeah, that's another point. How do I stop myself from building up all these false expectations? In two years I believe I could amount quite the heap of romanticised fantasies about what life will be like when we're together. How do people stay grounded in what IS, especially when we get so little time to actually talk and straighten out illusions?
Someone help.. I really don't know what to think of all this. There must be a way (even if its hard) to figure this all out.
Sorry for the lengthy complaining... but I'm sure we've all been there.
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