LD because of a move... need advice.

[lyonsgirl]

I would post this in the group, but it doesn't seem like anyone ever checks it. My SO & I are LD because I moved in January for work. This is actually our 2nd "pass" at being LD, since I moved at the beginning of June to start work then he moved to close the distance at the end of August.

So, I have a couple of friends who are in CDR's (okay, a number of friends). Every time I mention that I miss him or when I get frustrated that they haven't seen each other in 24 hours and they miss each other soooo much, they will usually say something like, "Well it's your fault. You chose to move for work." Yes, I did make the choice to move here. Yes, we knew we would be LD. We knew it would suck. But we talked it through and we thought it be best for my career for me to take this opportunity. Plus we knew it's only through the end of August. But I really don't need you reminding me of this every time I mention I hate the distance. It almost makes me want to not talk to you any more.

I know it's so hard being CD and not getting to see each other every day. I get that. I've been there. But seriously?? You know I'm in a LDR and I honestly feel like you're just rubbing it in my face and blaming me for it. Yea, okay. It's my fault, thanks. I already feel like crap about it, I certainly don't need you ripping that open again. And again. And again.

Does anyone else get this crap if it's "your fault" that your LD? (Or your SO?) I know we all have to deal with the CD couples getting on our nerves...

[LoveJ]

While some situations are justified when people say, "It's your choice so suck it up" (like choosing to stay with someone abusive, etc), this is not. You made a really smart move doing this for work because it will put the both of you in a better position once it's over. You're allowed to be sad not seeing him all the time. And it's not like you just decided to move to another city for no good reason, you know? You have all of us to talk to, even if the people around you don't seem to want to understand it.

[efish1042]

I'll tell you what I see here. Blame. No bueno.
It isn't anyone's fault. My SO moved for school. It was a choice, but it was also a part of life. You moved for work. It's a part of life.
What I'm wondering is how dare they tell you "it's your fault", how dare you tell yourself "it's my fault". There is no fault! Fault implies someone did wrong! There is no fault in this situation. It just is. It's unpleasant, but it's for a good reason and it won't last forever.
I'm sorry your "friends" are rude about this, but from what I see, they aren't acting like friends. Perhaps I'm rash, but if someone claiming to be my friend said something like that to me, especially repeatedly, I would give them a piece of my mind.
That being said, I will step off my soapbox and say no. I've never been in a situation where someone derided me or my SO for leaving or being apart. Some people don't understand, some aren't supportive, but no one has ever questioned the choice to leave or be apart. Only the decision to stay together while apart.

[Moon]

Well, to be perfectly honest, we did choose to be in an LDR. I don't mean to sound unsupportive, but I'll never understand the animosity some people feel over CD couples. They aren't rubbing it in our faces on purpose, they're being normal couples, which is what those of us in an LDR chose to forgo when we took on being long distance, for whatever reason. I'm not bitter towards those who made a different choice, it's a waste of time. Sure, I feel sad sometimes seeing all the couples around me, but that's not their fault, I chose this relationship and even if I might feel a bit lonely, I'm happy to see the love, there's not enough of it in this world as it is.

[stubby59]

I think you made a good decision when an opportunity presented itself to advance your career, and I think your SO has been nothing but understanding to support your decision. I always think people who tell me its my fault I'm in an LDR or tell me why I should get out now while I can, are those that will never be able to handle LDR and are just jealous you're doing so well in one.

I guess this is also one of the reasons why I don't tell people my boyfriend's miles away and I only see him once a year. Can't be bothered, since they will never understand how much it hurts and how strong you both have to be

[Malaga]

While some situations are justified when people say, "It's your choice so suck it up" (like choosing to stay with someone abusive, etc), this is not.

Someone who stays with an abusive partner most often does it because they're made dependent on the abuser, who managed to isolate them and convince them they're worthless on their own. It's a legit psychological condition. There is also the Stockholm syndrome, experts say 2 out of 3 people are susceptible to it given the right circumstances. It's really cruel and ignorant to tell an abused person, "it's your choice so suck it up". They should be helped and encouraged to break through, not judged. It's most likely not their choice at all, but they're mentally locked down by the abuser.

[lyonsgirl]

Thanks everyone. I don't think it's my fault, for the record. I mean, yes. I made the choice to move away, but the other option is simply not an option (breaking up).

Thanks for the support, LoveJ. Efish1042, I have tried. Clearly I need to do it again or just not talk about my SO ever.
Moon, thank you. I needed to hear/read that. We did choose it. But we chose it because we knew we could make it work, not because we wanted to be apart. We chose it because we thought it would be good for my career and in turn, our future. I think I need to take your approach and focus on the fact that there are couples who love each other and one day, I will be one of them again.
stubby59, he has been the most supportive man I could ever want.

I know they're not trying to rub it in my face, but it certainly feels like they are sometimes. I guess I just need to put on a happy face and come here to vent instead... I'm so grateful LFAD exists.

[efish1042]

Someone who stays ... mentally locked down by the abuser.

While I agree with what you have to say on the matter, I respectfully think you are missing the point of her reply and could be over reacting about an off hand comment. I can't imagine she actually would tell someone "It's your choice to stay in an abusive relationship. Suck it up."
That being said please?

[Malaga]

Not sure what's the problem, efish. I wasn't dissing LoveJ's reply, just gave my opinion on the part which bothered me. She did say she thought it was justified to tell a person who stays in an abusive relationship to suck it up as it was their choice, so you can speculate whether she'd actually say it to someone or not, but it's right there black on white. I agree with the rest of her post.

I also agree with Moon. Everyone has a cross to bear, and if you're used to seeing your SO every day, you legitimately suffer if you can't spend, say, the weekend with them.

[Softy]

Does anyone else get this crap if it's "your fault" that your LD? (Or your SO?) I know we all have to deal with the CD couples getting on our nerves...

Oh yeas, it does happen.
I had (and still have) some ppl telling me: 'Oh well don't complain or feel sad, you chose this, you chose your LDR'.
'You are the one stupid enough to have a bf not even in the same country'
Blablablabla.

Some days it gets to me, some other it doesn't.

Also ppl telling me ' I chose this'.
Not quite, I didn't chose a bf in another country, I just fell for him madly.
I saw his pictures, heard his voice and it was then too late.
My heart was racing and I couldn't help it but to melt every time I heard him.

Anywho, screw ppl who don't believe in it yah!
Cuz we do