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    #1

    Reassurance and insecurity. PLEASE HELP :(

    Hi everyone

    My SO and i live 4 hours away, but the distance in miles is more than 4000. we ve been in a relatiosnhip for 2 years. Now i m not here to complain about how hard it is, because it is hard I know I got to deal with this. The problem here is he is so busy all week, university wears him out. 2 weeks ago he started the new semester, and his time table is chaos. before this, we used to chat everyday during the day time for around 6 hours straight. but due to the time table change we only chat 3 days a week. This is a huge change for me. Its hard to accept this change. Maybe because of the less contact time, i feel he ignores me, cause when he comes home he is so tired and our chats are never organized or flowing as before, it makes me very very sad I have also started to feel maybe he is texting another girl? I know that sounds ridiculous, i think of extremes :/ I have never ever been the jealous type before this

    It may sound very childish to think into such extremes, but i need help to cope with this. I am not employed or studying at the moment, and being alone at home makes me feel worse, while he is away and i am yearning for him. I tried to keep my self busy but it aint working out. I have never been this insecure before. I know he will never leave me for another girl. But I am feeling insecure maybe he is communicating with someone else, preferably a girl and that breaks my heart :/ He is the perfect boyfriend, but he is not very good at reassuring me that i am the only girl in his life.

    I dont want to talk to him directly about this, cause what i feel maybe so wrong. Please can someone tell me how to deal with this, and how to feel better and confident again?
    Thanks a bunch.
    Last edited by Kyara; April 26, 2012, 12:56 PM.
    Tags: insecurity, reassurance, sad
    #2
    I think you're being a little silly, but you do need to talk to him. Not "Are you texting another girl?" but rather "[term of endearment here], you seem really distracted lately. I feel like we aren't communicating as efficiently. Is there something going on?" And you need to have a conversation about it, preferably using "I" statements, such as "I feel kind of neglected lately." They keep you from accusing him of anything but express your own feelings. Your problems will not disappear if you do nothing, and he will not change his behaviour if you do not address it.
    Canadian permanent residence APPROVED!
    Closed the Distance: 09/26/2019
    Engaged: 09/26/2020

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      #3
      communication. if you hopld it inside, you will start to feel resentful, it will come across that way when you do communicate and he will think you aer just being bitchy. Women need more reassurance then men. Women are more emotional. Women assume just because you dont hear from him, he must be interested in someone else. When in reality, his schedule changed and he is so consumed with it that he doesnt even realize there is a difference in your communications.
      As stated, you need to let him know that you realize he is busy, but that you also need to hear from him and hear that he is ok, even if just for a minute.
      everything happens for a reason. We may never find out what that reason is/was, but there is a reason.

      Comment

        #4
        I was in an LDR because my SO was in graduate school. While he was at school, he was extremely busy and we rarely talked during the day. But what I think helped me not feel so alone (I wasn't near as busy as him) was that we always made sure we talked on the phone just before bed. Sometimes, it was just for a minute, other times we'd talk for hours. But I always knew I'd hear from him and I could kind of get a feel for how his days were going.

        kittyo9 is exactly right. Take her advice. But perhaps add a time when you always talk to him. Just so you can each night put your mind at ease.

        Best of luck.
        Met online: Nov 2010 - Met in person: Nov 20, 2010
        Closed the distance: April 27, 2011
        Accepted to PhD program 200 miles away: March 2012
        LD again: July 24, 2012
        Left School and Closed the Distance for good: March 8, 2013
        Married: November 1, 2014
        Started job 200 miles away: February 23, 2015

        Comment

          #5
          Don't assume the worse that he's involved with someone else. I know you mentioned that you were used to talking for like 6 hours straight a day but do you realize that in a normal day, that is just not feasible unless you are actually living together and home after work/school together? What I mean is if he was able to do that before with you, he was sacrificing a lot and I bet his grades were probably suffering because of that. That is a huge chunk of his day right there. I also agree with kitty that you are being a bit silly. The fact that he is still talking to you 3x a day (probably more than most people are doing in LDRs) shows he is putting in a real good effort to prove to you that you are a priority to him. His schedule has changed and you need to adapt to it. It sucks, I know, but fight the urge to stop your insecurities from taking over. You're totally normal to start to feel like something is amiss but if he was no longer interested, he wouldn't go out of his way to continue communicating with you. So be happy!

          The biggest part of the problem is that you are unemployed and at home all day. So while he is in class, doing homework and running around to stuff his face with a quick bite before going to his next class; you are at home moping around wondering why you can't talk to him. You seriously need to do something with your time. If you are studying, maybe go to a coffee shop to study and just to get out of the house, find some new hobbies, start going to the gym or long walks during the afternoon. Something to kill some time otherwise all of your free time is going to be in a "why can't he talk to me now" state.

          Comment

            #6
            Originally posted by FierceFoxie View Post
            Don't assume the worse that he's involved with someone else. I know you mentioned that you were used to talking for like 6 hours straight a day but do you realize that in a normal day, that is just not feasible unless you are actually living together and home after work/school together? What I mean is if he was able to do that before with you, he was sacrificing a lot and I bet his grades were probably suffering because of that. That is a huge chunk of his day right there. I also agree with kitty that you are being a bit silly. The fact that he is still talking to you 3x a day (probably more than most people are doing in LDRs) shows he is putting in a real good effort to prove to you that you are a priority to him. His schedule has changed and you need to adapt to it. It sucks, I know, but fight the urge to stop your insecurities from taking over. You're totally normal to start to feel like something is amiss but if he was no longer interested, he wouldn't go out of his way to continue communicating with you. So be happy!

            The biggest part of the problem is that you are unemployed and at home all day. So while he is in class, doing homework and running around to stuff his face with a quick bite before going to his next class; you are at home moping around wondering why you can't talk to him. You seriously need to do something with your time. If you are studying, maybe go to a coffee shop to study and just to get out of the house, find some new hobbies, start going to the gym or long walks during the afternoon. Something to kill some time otherwise all of your free time is going to be in a "why can't he talk to me now" state.
            Yes you are right :/ I am not doing anything with my life right now, surely thats the reason i feel so lonely. When he comes home he is always in a tired and i dnt care mood, he asks me about my day and everything and I feel that because we used to talk alot, and now less, he feels kind of upset knowing that i miss him so much :/ and he tries to keep up the chatting but he is so exhausted. I can feel it. I dont study or work at the moment and because of him not being around as usual i get so pissed at him too. But I never show him my anger and pissed feelings, because he tries alot. he sacrifises alot of his time for me already. He treats me very nicely, the reason that made me think he is texting some one else is he logs off on the computer most the time and logs in the phone to chat with me, chatting on his phone sucks, it disconnects every second. maybe its cause he is busy. He treats me so well and tells me that everything he does regarding studies, his work is only because of me. I know I need to chill and give him more space maybe right? I dont want to be too clingy. tahnk you so much for ur reply

            Comment

              #7
              Originally posted by kittyo9 View Post
              I think you're being a little silly, but you do need to talk to him. Not "Are you texting another girl?" but rather "[term of endearment here], you seem really distracted lately. I feel like we aren't communicating as efficiently. Is there something going on?" And you need to have a conversation about it, preferably using "I" statements, such as "I feel kind of neglected lately." They keep you from accusing him of anything but express your own feelings. Your problems will not disappear if you do nothing, and he will not change his behaviour if you do not address it.

              yes, Lately he has been so busy and I tried talking to him about it, and i told him i know you are busy, but I wish you would try to listen when I am tahnks so much for yoor replytalking about something that is emotional/troublesome to me. we talked about it, but the only thing is after i have such discussions with him, i feel so guilty and stupid, and think the whole mistake is mine. it sucks. somehow i told him i wish he paid a bit more attention to me when we are talking something important. and he accepted that and he is being trying alot lately doing just that. its the constant change of behaviour where he never logs in from the computer anymore sometimes, only used the phone to chat with me, knowing it disconnects us every 2 minuites. he is nice to me, but thia behaviour pattern is making me pissed. I cant ask him directly like, are you texting a girl? cause that would make him so pissed, and at the ned of the day i would be the one regreeting asking that question :/ so yes like you said i need to ask him in a better way as if everything is alright and how he is feeling lately.
              thank you so much for youe wise words.
              Last edited by Kyara; April 27, 2012, 02:50 AM.

              Comment

                #8
                yes you are right. I want so much reassurance, because the place I am at the moment is not a good place, I do live with parents, but i have had so many unresolved issues with them and it sucks to be me. my bf is the only one i have right now, actually in another 2 months I am leaving my everything here to go study in his country for good. I just need to be reassured I mean everything to him. Even though i have problems with my family, I made the descion to leave everything here only for him :/ and going there to live with some of my relatives, ( i have lived there for almost 20 years of my life) I was 20 when I moved here with my parents, and now i m 23. The problem is i suck at communicating via chat. that is the only method i can communicate with him and i mess up the talk almost always, and get hurt :/ and yes I feel very pissed at him most th time, but i hold it inside, only because i suck at communicating :/

                ---------- Post added at 05:17 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:16 PM ----------

                Originally posted by subeasley View Post
                communication. if you hopld it inside, you will start to feel resentful, it will come across that way when you do communicate and he will think you aer just being bitchy. Women need more reassurance then men. Women are more emotional. Women assume just because you dont hear from him, he must be interested in someone else. When in reality, his schedule changed and he is so consumed with it that he doesnt even realize there is a difference in your communications.
                As stated, you need to let him know that you realize he is busy, but that you also need to hear from him and hear that he is ok, even if just for a minute.
                yes you are right. I want so much reassurance, because the place I am at the moment is not a good place, I do live with parents, but i have had so many unresolved issues with them and it sucks to be me. my bf is the only one i have right now, actually in another 2 months I am leaving my everything here to go study in his country for good. I just need to be reassured I mean everything to him. Even though i have problems with my family, I made the descion to leave everything here only for him :/ and going there to live with some of my relatives, ( i have lived there for almost 20 years of my life) I was 20 when I moved here with my parents, and now i m 23. The problem is i suck at communicating via chat. that is the only method i can communicate with him and i mess up the talk almost always, and get hurt :/ and yes I feel very pissed at him most th time, but i hold it inside, only because i suck at communicating :/

                Comment

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