Young and Insecure

[ccolquitt]

My SO and I have been together for a little over 3 years. We shifted to LDR when we both moved to different places for college. We're both originally from the West Coast and went to high school together. I'm in college in the South and he's on the East Coast. I've just been so frustrated lately because it feels like he ignores me. Neither of us can really talk during the day because we're both in school, and then usually both doing homework and studying until well after dinner. As soon as we're both free, though, he goes out to parties and bars with his friends! I understand that he wants to go out and have fun but he doesn't seem to get that I need some time from him, too. I've tried having this conversation multiple times and he always apologizes and says he'll give me more time to talk to him, but he never follows through. Ugh.

Sorry to rant, and I probably sound like a total teenager right now. I'm just at wits end, going crazy because I miss him.

[alesitag]

You do not sound like a teenager! LDRs are based on love of course, but also on comunication, since that's pretty much all you get to do while you're apart.

I am the one who goes out with my friends while my SO is more of a homebody but even when im out i manage to get home at a decent hour for us to talk over skype or, now that i have an ipod, i get online while im out if there's wi-fi available.

I think you should talk to him and make him understand youre not being spoiled, youre concerned about your relationship.

Good luck!!

[redapple]

Agree with the above, you defiantly don't sound immature! I think anyone in a LDR would feel frustrated in this situation regardless of age! You need to reach a compromise where he puts some time aside for you but you still let him go out. I had to tell my SO to put more effort into our relationship generally as hes a very laid back kind of chap, but once he knew he's definitely changed. However if you keep having this conversation with him and he isnt changing his ways then i think you might have a serious problem, good communication is absolutely vital to any relationship. Hope he changes his ways! xx

[kat4301]

I kinda know what you are going through. School def has both advantages and disadvantages to being LDR. One of the toughest disadvantanges seems to be that most people in college love to drink and go out and time can be precious. Are you guys able to establish any sort of routine to spend time together on the phone or computer? After awhile of struggling with this myself, my SO and I started trying to stay in one night of the weekend and going out the other and trying to have them coincide. It doesn't work everytime but it makes the weekends apart a little easier.

[acrf92]

As all the members above have said- you are not being immature. You have every right to be concerned for your relationship. I'm under the same LDR circumstances as you (went to high school together, separated by 285 miles due to college- for 9 months of the year at least). And it is so easy to fall into a rut of one party feeling ignored and neglected.

My SO and I just got out of one recently. BOTH of us were feeling neglected by the other because when I would call HIM he would be busy and I would feel like he had no time for me and then the same would happen to him when contacting me. This was due to clashing schedules (we're both full-time students with jobs and he competes on his school's rock climbing team). But also, I was starting to build up some resentment for feeling "blown off" by him so then when HE would call me I would be spiteful and act like I didn't have time just because I was mad and didn't want to speak to him (so childish, I know). I just didn't want him treating our relationship like a toy-- something he can take off the shelf and play with when he wants and then just set back on the shelf when he doesn't have time for it. I think this is a dynamic LDRs are particularly susceptible at falling prey to and something we should all be on the lookout for.

This didn't continue for more than a week with us before we sat down and had a 2 hour talk about what to do to fix it. I suggest you do so with your SO as well. It can't be settled until you take the time to figure it out-- both of you. We discussed how much time we can expect to give to each other (undivided), when we can talk to one another throughout the day (which classes we can text in and which we can't, between classes, during lunch, etc), and by what means-- telephone, Skype, texting. He assured me that he DID want to talk to me and since then we've been fine. Unlike your situation, my SO doesn't go out drinking with friends or anything but that doesn't make for a less tight schedule with little time left over for me.

Just sit him down and tell him how you're feeling (neglected, pushed to the bottom of his priority list, etc) and that you don't like feeling this way. Then discuss how to fix the issue and commit to doing so That's what worked for us at least. Good luck!

[sewbama]

I agree with the above.

But I want to share something extra. When my SO and I are apart (even for business trips and the like now that we are CD), we always talk on the phone at whoever's bedtime comes first. Sometimes, it's not for long. But we always do it. Other days, we talk for hours. You might want to set up something like that with your SO. Just a set time every day (or every other day, if that's all schedule allows) that you both set aside to talk to each other. If it's just a few minutes, that's fine.

He might not be trying to ignore you. And he might really mean it when he says he'll try to spend more time with you. He just might have trouble figuring out how to make it happen. So until it's natural, or just while schedules are so busy, set a time to talk every day.

Best of luck!

[shayellec]

I think you're completely entitled to feel neglected! Make him understand that setting up a schedule to talk to one another is crucial in keeping your LDR lasting. Be direct with how you feel because you cannot afford to be coy in an LDR. Communication is all you've got. While talking on the phone or skyping is most ideal, often times that's not always possible. Leave each other emails or messages to find in the morning or before going to bed. Communication is very crucial because it shows that you guys are both willing to make time for each other and that you think about each other!

[ccolquitt]

Thank you, all of you are awesome

We had our talk today and I think we were finally able to come to an understanding. Long story short, both of us have areas that we need to work on in order to strengthen our communication. The best part was just hearing him say that no matter what, he isn't going to give us up easily. *SWOON* Haha I about melted.

Your advice and encouragement was exactly what I needed!!

[acrf92]

So glad to hear it worked out!

[Softy]

Yay
Glad you feel better now!