Recurring bad thoughts

[sarahrosestevey]

I'm not entirely sure if this is the correct place to put this, but lately I keep having really bad thoughts about my boyfriend dying. He is perfectly healthy, and why these thoughts are occurring is so strange to me. But I have been finding myself lying in bed and making myself extremely upset at these thoughts.

Last year in August my mother passed away, so I feel perhaps this is something to do with dealing with her loss. My boyfriend helped me in every way in helping me get my life back on track, but I can't be too sure.

For example, last week he headed out for a ride (he is a cyclist) and he was late getting in. I was convinced something had happened to him, and I basically cried myself to sleep. I also have dreams about it. I haven't expressed these thoughts to my SO, but I know this is not normal. I'm not entirely sure why I am posting this, but thought I'd express my feelings.. perhaps if someone had a similar experience, as it is getting me down.

Thank you for listening guys <3

[rixue]

This kind of sounds like the separation anxiety I had in elementary school from my mother after a certain incident occurred...Long story short my best friend's mother died and she kept talking to me about it (this was in 1st grade). That made me have nightmares and anxiety about my mother dying constantly, and I wouldn't leave her side. I would freak out if I couldn't find her around the house, always carried a picture of her. Luckily that all got solved through counseling at a young age so that has passed. I wouldn't be surprised if your mother passing away has to do with it. You lost someone you dearly love, and do not want to see that happen to your SO.

If you did talk to your SO about it I am sure he would be very understanding and help you through what you are feeling! He might even be the best person for you to talk to about this in my opinion. It helped me a lot talking with my mother and her reassuring me about everything I was going through. I know my experience isn't nearly the same, but I can relate to some of what you are feeling. If you aren't comfortable talking to your SO about it you can send me a message if you need! <3

[Zapookie]

Not sure how this helps, but I've had similar thoughts, except its thoughts of ME dying and what my boyfriend would do without me. They're not recurring but I have thought it a few times and it kills me. I'm not scared of death but don't want to die and have to leave him behind to pick up the pieces. :'(

[lademoiselle]

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I've been there too and I know it's not a nice place to be! I daresay all of us have had such thoughts cross our minds at one point or another; I think it's quite natural that when you have something as precious as a loved one in your life you're forever afraid of losing them (at some level, not necessarily conscious). When I start fretting about this topic I find it helps to talk to my SO, as rixue advised above. Confiding my concerns and hearing him promise he'll look after himself is often all it takes to quell my anxieties. Remember too that the more attention you give to a thought, the more of a hold it will have over you... every time this one pops up, try telling yourself - out loud, even - there's nothing to worry about and you may find it's just a matter of time before it leaves you alone. Finally, are you religious at all? If you find any comfort in prayer, do so. I'll keep you and your SO in mine

[Shepard-Fowkes]

I've had similar thoughts, too. I guess it means you really love him, so that's good! But it isn't good that you're so worried so often. Since you say your SO is healthy and always stays safe, your fears probably stem from thoughts and feelings within you. I've gone through (okay, am going through!) similar thoughts, and there were a couple that stand out as causing everything.

First, do you find that you like to have control? Does it frighten you when you think that there's nothing you can do in a situation? If yes, then that's probably influencing your fears. You're in a long distance relationship. If something happens, you might not be able to help and might not even know about it for quite some time. That thought scares me too. I wish I could be by my SO's side at all times, especially if it meant I could be the first person on the scene if something were to happen to him. What helped me get over this is...well, it's find of silly. I sat my SO down and I went through a laundry list of everything he should be doing to keep healthy, what could happen if he didn't do those things, and what he should do in various situations. For example: wear a helmet, brush your teeth, wear a seatbelt, eat healthy, look both ways even at a one-way street, don't get in a car with a drunk person at the wheel, if somebody mugs you throw your wallet away from you and run, if you have chest pains go to the doctor, if your legs are swollen and painful go to the doctor. He agreed to everything and even told me some more things he does to stay safe and healthy. It put my mind at ease.

Second, do you ever feel like you're not good enough to be in a relationship with him? Have you two talked together and you've realized that he's not going to leave you for another person or break up with you for no reason? This was the second factor in my fears. I'm always worried that SOMETHING will take my SO away from me because I don't feel like I'm good enough to have him. That's a self-esteem issue and I'm still trying to work on it and it might take my entire life to work on it.

Third, do you take on too much responsibility in your life? Are you a perfectionist who blames yourself when something goes wrong? This is me, too. I take on responsibility for things that are outside of my control and then blame myself when something goes wrong. I've barely admitted this to anyone, but...I had a cat for 12 years, from when I was 3 until I was 15. I loved that cat so much--and because I loved her, I put her safety and health as my priority. It was silly to do that; my parents were the ones responsible for her (they were the ones who could drive her to the vet, they were the ones who could pay for any health problems, they were the ones who adopted her over a decade ago), not me. As she got older, I was always worried that this time I'm seeing and petting her would be the last. And one day, I decided to just relax and not worry about her dying. [don't laugh] She died that day. And I sort of blamed myself for it! As if me worrying for her was keeping her alive! It wasn't anybody's fault she died; she was a fat cat and she had a stroke that killed her almost instantly. It's not like me staying worried would have prevented a blood clot from forming. But I still blamed myself a little. Point is, he's responsible for his safety, not you. And if something did happen, it wouldn't be your fault at all.

You might have other factors in this, but those were the three biggest ones for me. Learn what's causing these thoughts to show up and then work from there.

[alesitag]

Ok, I just had a mini axiety crisis and panic attack reading (and imagining myself in any of the described situations) through
Shepard-Fowkes post. Yeah, that's me too.

I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, so I might be wrong, but i do think what you're going through has to do with the loss of your mom. Since your SO is (i'm assuming) your next biggest subject of affection and you're still recovering and vulnerable, you are turning your sorrow into extreme worries.

I tend to experience similar feelings and worries due to the loss of an uncle when I was 13. He passed away after being married to my aunt for a year and a half, leaving her with a 9-month-old baby girl. Though it's not the exact same situation, the idea of going through something like that literally HAUNTS me ever since.

My SO knows this, and i have asked him to give my contact info to his mom in case something ever happens to him and i've given his contact info to two of my best friends in case something happens to me.

He loves to ride his bicycles alone, he lives by himself in a not-so-nice neighborhood, he has no cell phone... Just a recipe for disaster for me, so I ask him to message me when he gets to work (he always does that) and when he gets back home (this sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't, specially when coming home after his night shift)... A few days ago, he "disappeared" from the face of earth for almost 48 hrs and I was going INSANE. He said he was going out for a ride around 5:30pm on wednesday and i knew nothing of him Until friday before noon... I tried my best to keep my cool and when he finally appeared he explained the internet was down when he came back and then he spent the whole thursday at his mom's and his brother's.. I told him about my concerns and he apologized and said next time he'll call me. He removed a ton of worries off my back.

As you can see, you really need to talk to your SO about this... And just in case, you should try some counseling if you think it's too much for you to handle it on your own.

[lonelyinlove]

I think its kind of normal bc this is someone u love & something tragic already happen to someone you loved. When an old friend of mine passed away not to long ago, I had the same feelings...always worried....

[Phantomrose]

I have those thoughts from time to time... I think that it is normal to feel that way about someone you love, and you care deeply for. It can also sometimes be troubling when being in an LDR and worrying... it is always good to try to think positive thoughts, and to try to keep your mind busy with positive things.